Cheating..?

[MyFavSurprise]

Are you anxious that he could cheat as a way of getting back at you for having done so in the past? I'm just throwing ideas out there xx

Not really.. I told him before we got back together after our break while I was already pregnant that if he wants to be with someone else maybe he should have a 3some like he's mentioned in the past before we settle in and get comfortable. He got really pissed off, he asked me if I was suggesting that he'd want to do that because I slept with 2 different men and I thought it would make it equal. He was entirely ticked off. There's lots of signs that cheating is not what he wants to do or would actually go through with.. He was honest when I confronted him about talking to this girl, he said he thought about it but that was as far as he went with it was just the thought and he explained why he felt that way.

We are talking it out and I asked him if working it out is really what he wants to do or if he feels like he should move on and be with other people. He said he really wants to work it out.

Right now I told him blatantly that if he wants to be with someone else I will back off and let him be. He said he doesn't want to be with someone else. I feel now that we just need to work through our conflicts and feelings.

I never thought I'd ever be with someone who this was a conflict with but in reality when you're in the situation it is easier said than done. We have a huge history together and its really not a problematic relationship. We are truly happy together, I know every relationship has ups and downs and this is our down right now. Aside from yesterday and today its been almost all ups. I think if I leave now that I am making a mistake.. If I'm not, then shame on me later.. I guess I just need to see this through even if I'm

 

[tanya]

Shortly after we got married I found out my husband had met another man and there wa a sexual act performed by one of them. When I confronted him he admitted he had done it and that he was scared as being married means that that's it, no more experimentation. He was curious and this guy came on to Him he says he didn't even like it. It took me a long Time to trust him and I still occasionally check his emails.
It was really hard at first because not only did he cheat but it was with another man so I was worried he was gay. He isn't he now counts himself as bi curious but he said he doesn't want to tryit again and I have to trust him.
Almost two years later I rarely think about it or worry about it. I know he watches gay porn sometimes but it's mostly straight stuff so I think he's still just confused and trying to work out who he is seperate to husband and daddy to be. (the porn doesn't bother me)
Sorry about the essay but I basically mean that if you an talk through the reasons then maybe you can get through it.
(before you ask why I'm not freaked out at the possibility that I married a bi man, I am bi too so it be a bit hypocritical)

 

[mumoffive]

Well you sound like you have both done the right thing and discussed it and he seems to be happy to stay with you so i would say go for it. Maybe though, he needs to understand that he has weakened the trust and he will need to earn it back. That will be something that will take time but can be done with his support of your insecurities and taking account of those. x

 

[pandabub]

lilwelsh1, just wanted to say that your post is not at all in bad taste and I for one respect you for being honest, and also for having gotten through difficult times with your OH. I don't personally know what it is like to have been with someone from such a long age, but I have close friends and family who have, and who have undergone similar experiences (cheated earlier on in the relationship, and come out the other side).

Honesty, I think, is so important - being honest with both your OH and yourself. xxx

 

[MyFavSurprise]

lilwelsh1, I appreciate you sharing your story. I feel like my whole thread is in bad taste! I just don't know how to explain how it feels, especially being the one who has actually gone through and physically cheated before while he was just talking to another girl that lives a little ways away.

It's just hard and we have decided to try to get past it, I just want to find the strength in myself to do so because I keep teeter tottering in my emotions. It's beliefs vs feelings and I want to follow my beliefs because I feel they are more accurate right now than my feelings.

I'm glad to hear that you and he were able to pull through it and have gone on to be happy.

Tanya, I completely understand that too, I would consider myself a lesbian or bi curious in the other sense that I'm curious toward men. Cheating is cheating and it feels the same. My boyfriend says that he wouldn't mind if I had a girlfriend too and I think that's crazy because I'd feel like I was cheating and I told him i couldn't do that to him even though him giving me the OK makes it a little more appealing than it was before. I think he said it because he knows I'm more attracted to girls and he thinks I'm missing out. I'm glad you found a way to overcome him doing that, it's got to be hard.. I guess big life changes can be really scary though and I think that's how my boyfriend feels.

I appreciate everyone's input, I needed to hear all sides..
He's told me now that "I want to be with you for my own reasons, and that's from the bottom of my heart." I think we can make it through this.. Maybe it was my wake up call.

 

[Ember]

It will be very difficult to get through it, and he is going to have to work very hard to earn your trust back. I just want to point out that being the person he cheated with still counts as cheating, so you in fact DO know that he HAS cheated before. I think it makes it even more cheating on you as well since you didn't even know he was with another woman when you got together. I didn't know that you had cheated before, but you most certainly could not have started the pattern of cheating since he was already with someone else when you got together. He left the mother of his children to be with you. What's to say he won't leave you for someone else too? That's what I'm most afraid of for you, that he will continue that pattern.

Just don't lose yourself in your love for him. Don't decide that you love him so much that you can tolerate him continuing going behind your back. And don't confuse enjoying the routine with love like others have said. And be sure it's not the lifestyle you're in love with, not really the man that you're living it with.

whatever you do, we are all here for you.

 

[Ember]

I forgot to add: Happy double digits day!

 

[DragonMummy]

personally i think a relationship is nothing without trust. if i caught DH cheating then that would be it - and hes the same. the reason what we have workse is because we can trust each other. in 10 years we have never questioned who we are with, checked each others phone or anything like that. but once the trust goes then so does all that and the questions start.

 

[gypsymom]

Hi didn't want to read and run so I'd thought I'd share my experience with cheating...

I have been both the cheater and the cheatee... My evil ex cheated on me the ENTIRE three years we were together, he never stopped even though he always had an excuse or a promise as to why it wouldn't happen again etc. And I stupidly believed him. He had cheated in past realtionships and is probably cheating in his current one. He is never going to change and I never rebuilt any trust I had in him.

my DH on the other hand is a different story. Basically I was evil ex and DH was married. The marriage was loveless and broken but still (no judgements please). Anyway, we had an affair for six months, left our significant others, got engaged and got married a year and a half later. Our relationship started with infidelity but neither one of us would EVER cheat on the other and have complete trust in the other.

So it really depends...not every story ends like mine, and not every person who cheats will always cheat. But I do know that it takes a LONG time and work and compromise on both ends to repair trust once it's broken. I take it as a good sign that he is at least communicating his frustrations and feelings with you as opposed to just keeping quiet and starting an affair. I hope thinsg work out for you, and every relationship is different.

 

[MizzDeeDee]

personally i think a relationship is nothing without trust. if i caught DH cheating then that would be it - and hes the same. the reason what we have workse is because we can trust each other. in 10 years we have never questioned who we are with, checked each others phone or anything like that. but once the trust goes then so does all that and the questions start.

^^^^^ This.

And to add, I've been cheated on, gave the men a 2nd chance.. and it NEVER worked out because they've thought that it meant I condoned the behavior and cheated again. I am sure not all men are like that, but I think that if a person knows you will dump them if they cheat then they might have more of an incentive not to cheat.

If FOB cheated on me I would leave him even if it ripped my heart out to do it.

 

[lynys]

My ex-husband cheated on me a number of times. I tried my hardest to work through it and forgive him, but he decided, to cheat one last time and left me for this woman. That broke me, because I would have left him earlier had I known he wouldn't quit.

I will never trust someone who cheats on me again. They lie, lie, lie, and as far as I am concerned, will not try to change.

I met my husband while recovering from my ex's affair, and I treated him like garbage as a result. I refused to trust him, and feel really bad for what I put him through. I love him more than anything.

 

[kriste]

How did you find your self carrying another mans baby? with me I split up a long relationship a year ago..... and started datting another man that I never did fall in love with but shared many nice times together for 9 months. When my x showed back up I left the man I was with, only a month later to find out I was 3 months preg. I am now in a awful situation as neither no. The one thinks I have stomache problems as I have not had the hart to kick him out as he has no money..... and the father thank god I have not ran into. I am now 23.5 weeks preg and understand what you are going through to some degree.

 

[kriste]

How have you found yourself carrying another mans baby? with me I left a man I loved a year and a half ago, and started dating a nice man for 9 months, I never realy loved him but we shared some really nice times together..... but my x showed back up, and silly me ended it, and let my x move in as he had no where to go. one month later found out I was 3 months preg. It has been very hard as I have not had the hart to kick him out or tell him as he has no money. I love him and I'm carrying another mans child. He thinks I have a bad case of gasturitise. I thank god that I have not yet ran into the father yet ..... but I know I have to deal with this right away as I am 23.5 weeks. So I can sort of understand what you are going through. good luck with your one! I think we both need it lol.

 

[Skydust]

Hi, firstly I was wondering why you are pregnant with another mans baby? Have I missed that bit.. this guy doesn't have to take on the responsibility of another mans baby, if he has chosen this then good on him!! Has he cheated on you before? Or are you concerned because he is considering it?

No one can tell you what to do luv, I am with the whole once bitten thing.. I would not forgive someone who cheated and would wonder about someone who questionned whether they were to do it or not... my father was a dreadful cheat and to be honest I would rather be alone than be with a cheat...


Some women are able to forgive.. not sure I could as I would not expected to be forgiven for cheating either. I am with special on cheating hun xx

 

[MyFavSurprise]

I kicked his butt out last night, for once he never came home and I haven't been able to get a hold of him. His stuff is sitting outside in the rain. He kept me up all night worrying and crying and I just told him it's not worth it and I want him out of my life. I'd rather be alone..

I pretty much was in the same place as you kriste.. Except over the course of 3 months and I don't even barely know the man..I thought I did but he turned out to be a sleeze..I wish I'd never told him I was pregnant..

 

[awefulfeeling]

I think that you should think about what is going to be healthy for your child. There are men out there who would be happy with you. If he's not happy now it probably won't get any better when you have this child and things are crazy around the house... if anything it may get really bad and he could say things to hurt you ie regarding the childs father.

we only have opinions its what you need to decide and it really sounds like things would be healthier for you and the child if you did part from him. It is always hard to part from someone you love but you can love someone else. if you kept your mind off of him, going out with friends talking to family you can survive it.

I hope it works out either way, and I hope if you do stay with him he treats you right and loyal. I watched my dad cheat and tear my mom apart I'll never let someone do that to me, And it really does have damaging effects on the children; I had trust issues for years before I grew out of it and even so I catch myself with them.

 

[1bunintheoven]

Sending hugs your way....
I battle with an unfaithful and unhonest OH and know your struggle...they say it will get better but it only seems to get better for a week or two....
This isnt always the cas ethough hun, some men grow up. At least he was honest enough with you and himself to admit he is not 100% happy..that is a step in the right direction that he has enough love and respect to share such a scary and painful thing. I dont know the whole situation though so just gonna send you lotsa hugs!

 

[qpaulina42]

so he didn't come home and you haven't been able to get a hold of him, and so you put his stuff outside in the rain? Or did you tell him to leave and he left and didn't come home? I'm just checking cause I didn't entirely understand. Is it at possible for example that something happened to him, like an accident?

edit: never mind! I just read your other thread and know what's going on. Hang in there.

 

[SAglas]

I think the problem here is you dont trust him because you dont trust yourself, you have cheated before and realise how easy it is and think he will do the same.

Good luck with whatever you decide x