Children out of wedlock?

[Tiff]

This has been a massive topic of contention between my mother and I. My mother is very religious (not trying to slam religion, but it definitely clouds her viewpoints IMHO) person so she feels that having a child out of wedlock isn't good.

We weren't married (nor are we now, not engaged either) when I got pregnant. My parents offered to squeeze in a small wedding before she was born just to make things all nice and "official". I refused. I remember asking my Mom is that's what she wanted for me. Someone to marry me because we got pregnant and now has to do the "right" thing? Its mind boggling!

As a mother, shouldn't she want someone to marry me because he loves me? Wants to spend the rest of his life with me? Is devoted to me, cares for me, sees us as a team?

I dislike that the religious implications of having a child out of wedlock has put so much "fear" into her that she'd rather me marry someone out of duty than out of love.

 

[redpoppy]

I think if a couple have been together so long it doesn't matter as adults kNOW what they're getting into.

The thing about "common law" wives etc having similar rights is apparently a bit of a myth so legally if one of your were to die you would need to make sure you left a will etc. in place.

It seems like things like that shouldn't matter but they really do.

I like being married. I trust my husband more than anyone on earth. But I like the security and status marriage gives us. I like being his next of kin. I like being able to live with him wherever he goes should it be abroad etc. But if those things are not for you, then I see no reason for them. It isn't a certificate to stop him leaving or cheating or for us being happy or unhappy. Anyone who thinks it is is deluded.

having said that, I did freak out slightly at the thought of my daughter NOT getting married and living with someone. I never realised I was so old fashioned. I suppose I do have an inherent distrust of men in general (due to my dad perhaps) and so if a man was trying to tell me he didn't believe in marriage and thought living with my baby girl would do just fine I might need to slap him. I think I hate me a little sometimes.

 

[PeanutBean]

Lol redpoppy. I lived with DH for about two years before we got married. I don't think I'd have a problem provided I liked the partner and thought they were both serious about the relationship. My sister and brother both lived with people before they found their spouse.

 

[bambino156]

Personally, I always knew that I wanted to be married before I had children. To me it is a symbol of security and commitment. My child has the same name as both of her parents and although it shouldn't be the case, I am sure many people still judge those that do have children out of wedlock. Fewer people actually get married these days and I reckon its because it more acceptable to just move from one partner to the next. I know that many marriages end in divorce but I think that this is probably because nowadays it is just far more acceptable and the norm, therefore many marriages are entered into without the same level of commitment, iykwim?

 

[xbabybumpx]

havint read the replies. but i was 16 weeks pregnant when i got married. naughty naughty! the wedding was booked before i become pregnant and i wanted to try for a baby knowing full well i would be pregnant on my wedding day lol xx

 

[Laura2919]

I dont think you have to be married.. My mum and dad were married before any of their kids were born but nowadays its just a bit of paper.
My kids have a mum and dad and whether we are married, In a relationship or seperated we will do our best to care for them so I dont see what a sheet of paper does to that to make it different.
Chloe and Jaycee have a different surname to me but what does that matter!

 

[trumpetbum]

I dont think you have to be married.. My mum and dad were married before any of their kids were born but nowadays its just a bit of paper.
My kids have a mum and dad and whether we are married, In a relationship or seperated we will do our best to care for them so I dont see what a sheet of paper does to that to make it different.
Chloe and Jaycee have a different surname to me but what does that matter!

I don't agree that nowadays it's just a bit of paper. Marriage means different things to different people regardless of modern times. You're right that a sheet of paper makes no difference and if that was all marriage meant to me I wouldn't have bothered. If that is how someone views marriage (and by all means it's a perfectly valid viewpoint) then you are right it makes no difference.
Fwiw, I didn't change my name and currently wear no wedding ring so it makes not a jot of difference to me if people make assumptions about my marital status based on that. I didn't get married to gain anyones approval and I absolutely agree that surname doesn't matter, your child is your child regardless.

On a lighter note, I have been thinking about replacing my wedding ring. We went to Edinburgh to see les mis, I booked it under my surname and when dh went to the reception he filled out the form with our names, surnames different. It dawned on me as we walked away that he wears his wedding ring, I don't, we have different names and I'm obviously pregnant and booking into a hotel under my surname which is 'Smith!!!' Goodness knows what the receptionist thought if she was partial to a bit of scandal

 

[PeanutBean]

trumpetbum Scandalous! Is it wrong that I'm bored with my wedding ring and quite fancy a new and more exciting one?!

 

[lottie77]

Hi I was with my now husband for 8 years before we got married and also had a 6yr old daughter who made a very cute flower girl so I can see it from both sides we loved each other just as much before we married and were just as commited , but after so long together we decided to make that extra commitment and to us it wansn't just a piece of paper so I deffinately don't agree with the women who are saying that , to us it ment a deeper connection with each other , we have been married 7 years and have another boy and a baby on the way and we are happier than ever

 

[Dragonfly]

Personally, I always knew that I wanted to be married before I had children. To me it is a symbol of security and commitment. My child has the same name as both of her parents and although it shouldn't be the case, I am sure many people still judge those that do have children out of wedlock. Fewer people actually get married these days and I reckon its because it more acceptable to just move from one partner to the next. I know that many marriages end in divorce but I think that this is probably because nowadays it is just far more acceptable and the norm, therefore many marriages are entered into without the same level of commitment, iykwim?

I am not married and I dont do that I dont plan on moving from one partner to the next either. There are many reasons more than what you mention which I assume is your main reason people dont get married.

 

[Phinners]

We're not married or engaged, we do want to though but don't know when. I did have someone on the OHs side say if we hurried we could be married by September, which I thought in this day and age was most bizarre!

 

[NG09]

I felt it was important to me to be married before trying for a baby. Maybe it's just a piece of paper to some but not to me and DH. It really annoys me when people say there is no bigger commitment than having a baby together.....so why not commit to eachother by getting married before bringing another life into the world. JMO though, each to their own, just wouldn't be my choice.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I didnt really feel the need to be married tbh. I use his name for most things anyway lol x

 

[Laura2919]

I would like to get married and hopefully one day I will but not right now and I dont think it changes anything. My mum and dad were married when they had us and the love they have for us is no different to the love I have for my girls.. Id love to be married but when the time is right, not because we have children or because we have to

 

[melorablack]

I am married and I was before I got pregnant but I wouldn't have been bothered if it hadn't happened like that. I don't think it matters if you're married or not.

 

[lucy_x]

im not sure i really want to?

Like we are fine as we are, we live together and i like it that way.
It isnt a problem regarding names with children etc, as they have my name.

if we get married it will most likely be a registry office jobby. £45 quid and your done!.
And that will be more of a formality more than anyhting else.