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[SBB]

I think this kind of situation is one of those where you imagine what you would feel/do and when it actually happens it's a whole different story.

I think the fact he won't cancel the trips is dodgy. If he really wants to save your marriage then he needs to understand that going away with the woman he's told you he has feelings for is totally unacceptable. Speak to the counsellor about it on weds and I'm quite sure they would agree.

Don't worry about hijacking the thread! We want to help you so if it helps to talk we're all yours

Has he mentioned splitting at all? Or has everything he's said been about working it out?

X x x

 

[babyloulou]

Yeah I agree with Suz. It's easy to look in from the outside and say what we'd do- but it's totally different when it's happening to you.

The trips are a definite no-no though. There's no way you'll be able to cope with him going away with her and still stay together Jess Have you said that to him?

 

[Euronova]

Sorry wasn't trying to say how you should feel, but maybe a different perspective on the situation. There is no correct way to behave or feel. (Also bare in mind, I am French and quite feisty lol - i'd be the type to be front news because i bit my partner's balls off if I found he cheated. LOL... so take my views with a pinch of salt!)
I just can't help think that he is not the man you used to love, cause surely the man you married (and said this wonderful speech you mentioned) would never have done that.....

 

[SBB]

V I wasn't directing that at you

I also would have said the same a while ago, with exes more so, that I'd cut their knob off! (actually there was a case of someone doing that in my prvious job )

But I have to say if Danny did it, it wouldn't be so cut and dry. There's bigger feelings and a child involved. Not saying I could/would forgive, I just don't know. If I thought we could save it I would probably try...

It's too hard til you're there and having to deal with it

X x x

 

[babyloulou]

Yes while on one hand I'm pretty sure I could never trust or live normally with him again if Ste had cheated it does feel different now we have a baby. Before Ben I would have walked without a second chance- now even though I think I still would have to to be honest- I'd find it so difficult! 

 

[Onelildream]

I think if he said "you love him too much", he is already entertaining the idea of leaving. ? Is that how you think he is acting? It sounds to me like he is wishing you would 'not love him so much' so if you split, he would feel like it was more mutual instead of all his fault???
I just don't get it, Jess. I just feel awful for you. It's a catch 22, really, leaving or staying.
Do you think he is sleeping with her, and that's why your sex life has diminished?
Do you think things can ever be the same?

Where do you want things to go? Have you made a pro/con list? What would you stay for/why would you leave? Is that stupid of me to ask that?
I'm sorry, you don't have to answer if these questions are too forward...

I don't even know how to go about things...I have no idea what you are going through to be honest. Sorry if I sound like an @$$, the whole situation pisses me off. Why is he doing this to you?! You have done nothing to make him like this.

 

[kcw81]

Jess He is an idiot. The timing on his wandering thoughts is ridiculously stupid. You guys just had a baby! After trying really hard together and going thru a lot. What in gods Name is he thinking? How can he not see how bad it is to be doing this? I mean he's a good guy or Jess wouldn't be with him for so long so i dont understand! So sorry Jess!!

 

[lisaf]

Sadly, I knew a co-worker who left his wife for another co-worker right after he'd had a baby with his wife. Just so you know, we all called the woman a 'home-wrecking whore' behind her back. My mom and dad split a short while after my sister was born because they fought so much and didn't think it was healthy to raise her around all the yelling.

I completely agree that the trips are a no-no. Is there anyway he can get someone else to go on the trip if its so damned important. Its just not ok for him to go away with her.
I'd be tempted to contact the woman just to find out if it has gotten physical. I think she'd be more likely to be honest. The evil bitch in me would want to contact her husband and clue him into what is going on... is that bad of me?

We are totally here for you Jess whenever you need to talk about this! We care so much about you and Lili and want to help in whatever way we can.
I know its so easy to give advice from the outside, and so hard when you are in the middle of it all. I know its a process to decide what you can live with and what you are willing to go through. I know you often cannot leave a situation until you've worked through it the best you can. I have a HUGE issue with being lied to though. And even worse, not confessing when caught. It literally makes me go psycho because of what an ex put me though. My husband is damned smart to confess whenever I bust him in a lie.
How can you forgive someone who doesn't seem to regret what he's doing?

 

[lisaf]

long-post Lisa strikes again

 

[Onelildream]

Ok ladies, perhaps this is inappropriate to post trivial day stuff right now, but I have no one else to help me... I can't let my friends in real life know we r looking for a house... So here is my predicament... We found the PERFECT house (the short sale we were waiting on is taking so long to answer that we have given up and are moving on). Anyway, it is amazing, and beautiful and has a .25 acre lot. It has an unfinished basement with room to grow. It has one MAJOR problem: it is right on the busiest street through town. I'm talking big semis travel the road... What would you do?

 

[lisaf]

Put up a fence? Is it the noise that concerns you or safety?

The noise could be one of those things that drives you crazy or could be something you totally tune out and becomes background noise. I used to live on the flight-path from the airport... while I got used to it, it still bugged me and I am so relieved to be away from that now.

 

[Tanzibar83]

Hi girls well I told mum and dad - they reacted better than my sister which was totally unexpected. My sis realised that I had been holding all the clomid and hospital info from her and got upset cause I didn't tell her. I had to tell her that it wasn't a trust thing, it's a pressure thing, which she eventually came round to.

Least the worst is over with now!

 

[SBB]

Chell personally I wouldn't buy it. Big road is a huge compromise and will make it really hard to sell too.
Although I live in a tiny village on a cul-d-sac so hardly any cars come through - so maybe I'm not the best person....

I'd just hate to worry about the kids, noise, getting off your drive onto the road when no one let's you go, dirt and fumes, noise...

Since you're not in a hurry I'd just hang out for something with a smaller compromise x z x

 

[Onelildream]

I think the hardest thing is that it is a house that we otherwise would not be able to afford, but because it is on the main street in town, it is in our price range. The noise is really bad. The safety is not a problem because the back yard is fully fenced in, so the kids will just have to learn to play in back, which doesn't bother me. Once in the house the noise isn't too bad, ESP if we had soft music playing all the time. But in the back yard it's still loud! It's really difficult though bc it is seriously the perfect house... Completely renovated cape cod. Want pictures?

 

[Onelildream]

The idea of it being on the main road and having to back out in to traffic is a serious concern though.

 

[kcw81]

Ugg main road chell? Yuck! Everyone driving by stares at u if u go out in the front . Getting into yr car, getting the paper, you will always be watched!

 

[Onelildream]

True true. Granted Smithfield is a rural farmtown and my valley has the hometown feel, but main street is def not private!

 

[kcw81]

Pics! Do u have one showing the front? W the street?

 

[Peach Blossom]

Oh girls, I am angry at him. So so very angry at him. How dare he do this to me and Lili. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again. But I swore to myself that I wouldn't put Lili through what my parents out me through. I will fight to save this marriage for her. We've been through so much and been together for so long I just don't know what I'd do without him in my life.

V, he's a film maker and she's one of his producers. This job that he has to do with her is huge for him and worth a lot of money. If I gave him an ultimatum he'd go.

He's said he's not sure if he wants to be with me. He says we've grown apart and that something is missing. He says that I never do anything for myself and that I make it too easy for him... But surely that's what married life is about... Surely we shouldn't have to play games at this stage...

I'm just holding on to the hope that counselling will help. Wednesday can't come around soon enough.

And on to other things... Chell, how busy is the main road? Would you be trying to back out at peak traffic times?

 

[SBB]

What does he mean that you never do anything for yourself? Make it too easy for him to do what? Sorry I don't really get what you mean

I think if there's a chance you can save it and it can be good again you should try. There's no harm in trying. It will be a long hard road though... But you think the marriage is worth saving so you've got to do what you feel is right...



X x x