Crushed

Discussion in 'Trying To Conceive' started by WhosThatGirl, Apr 20, 2009.

  1. WhosThatGirl

    WhosThatGirl Mommy of 4 amazing kids!

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    So here is what has happened.

    I am mommy of 3 kids, 10yo,8yo,5yo. My husband is ok not having any more kids, but knows I want 1 more baby "someday". We are "younger" but getting "older" LOL. He just turned 30 and I am turning 28. I've had baby fever for awhile but having a baby right NOW was something I always kind of hoped would happen but I was also ok waiting for awhile.

    Well April fools day (of all days, lol).. my husband and i are being intimate and the condom broke. I was ovulating. Condoms are our only form of BC. Surprise.. I got pregnant. I was thrilled, my parents were thrilled, and DH was shocked at first but after a day he got used to the idea and was talking nursery plans and was much more accepting to the idea.

    A few days ago I started bleeding a few days after AF was due. It was a chemical pregnancy. I instantly knew I wanted to try again and begin TTC as soon as possible after this cycle. The day it happened my DH gave me the impression that he was down for this he just told me to give myself "a month or two to heal".

    Well now its been 3 days and he seems to think I should just be "over" the chemical pregnancy. I am still crying on and off all day, having a hard time and just feel that I have (and REALLY WANT) to TTC and have a baby. I feel I have this huge void to fill now. I guess its something I knew I wanted but did not know how much until i got pregnant and surprised with it. It was only a few days I knew I was pregnant but it made me know that I wanted it and I wanted it NOW.

    Well yesterday DH said something along the lines of "He is open to the idea of eventually trying again but he wants to get ahead of some bills first, get some stuff taken care of". I told him I don't want to wait and I feel like I am being punished because my body lost the pregnancy. I said Why cant we just try and you were accepting to it when it happened.. it will be the same just due a few weeks/months later. He said... "I JUST NEED SOME TIME TO GET READY... AND ITS A GOOD THING IT HAPPENED (THE PREGNANCY ENDED) BECAUSE NOW WE CAN TRY WHEN WE ARE ACTUALLY PREPARED". That *CRUSHED* me. I don't think he knew the impact of his words.

    I cried almost all night last night. Today I asked him "How long are you thinking before we try?" And he said "I Don't know, you are too emotional about all of this right now and i can't talk to you when you are like this". I told him I won't feel better until I know when we can try again. He has been gone working all day and we haven't spoken since. But i feel CRUSHED. He originally (first day) let me think we were going to ttc again soon and now yesterday and today hes telling me he doesnt know when.

    I feel it is so unfair. He was ok with having a baby when I was actually pregnant.. I cant help my body didn't carry the pregnancy. I feel its so unfair and feel that my chances of having a baby were ripped away from me.

    My youngest child is 5, she would be 6 when this baby is born if I were to conceive right now. I don't want a HUGE age gap and who knows how long he is thinking before he is "ready" to try.

    I know my hormones and emotions are all out of whack right now since it has only been 3 days since my chemical but I feel he is being so unfair. I am the one who is going through this and feels this emptyness and this void that I just know I want to fill... I don't know when I will get over it. I also want to be done having kids before i am 30, and I am turning 28 this weekend so we can't wait that long.

    We are ok financially I mean sure we have bills and things are tighter then they used to be with this awful economy but we still get by just fine and live fine off of his income while i am a SAHM.

    I guess I just feel that if he was ok with it and started to accept a baby on the way... he should let me TTC now if it means so much to me. I just don't know how to make him see my side and understand how every inch of my body,heart,and mind tells me that I want to have a baby NOW.

    I know having a baby is a joint decision and both people should be ready.. i just feel if he was ready and accepting when I was pregnant, he shouldn't make me feel "punished" and make me wait now that i lost the pregnancy.

    I cant get over the loss because now not only do i feel like I am mourning for this baby that my body did not carry i feel like I am mourning my last chance to have a baby for who knows how long.

    Maybe it is just the hormones, emotions, I don't know but I feel so hurt,angry, and mad at DH that he is being so difficult. And to say such insensitive things about "maybe it was a good thing" (though I REALLY dont think he meant it the way it sounded but still!!) and when he sees me laying in bed sobbing for 2 days you would think he would realize just how important this is and what it means to me.

    And i know most of this probably makes my dh sound awful, he really is a loving caring person and we have been happily married for 9 years, together for almost 12 years... we are deeply in love and he usually bends over backwards to make me happy. I just don't know why he is being this way and I know my hormones and emotions are making it probably worse then it really is, but it feels like the end of the world and I cant snap out of it. I just know 10000% that I want to TTC our last baby and I feel that now is the right time. And I am so angry and hurt and feel it is so unfair i was given that chance and it was ripped away :(
     
  2. kellyo

    kellyo Mummy to 2 gorgeous boys

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    So sorry for your loss. xx

    Maybe talk to your DH when your emotions have calmed down a bit - he probably can't handle the fact that you are so upset - men are like that xx

    Hope you sort it out soon x:hug:
     
  3. Waiting2bMommy

    Waiting2bMommy Levi and Jax's Mommy!

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    :hugs: so sorry for your loss
     
  4. WhosThatGirl

    WhosThatGirl Mommy of 4 amazing kids!

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    I think a lot of it is that its upsetting for him to see me so upset, thats why he has been avoiding me all day... not even calling like usual. But in the end its just making it worse! If I knew we could ttc I wouldn't be half as upset as I am. I would still be sad yes but I would know we could try again.

    I hope we sort it all out soon also.. like before I ovulate next!! :)
     

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