Dear world, MY PREGNANCY IS NOT ABOUT YOU

[BadMamaJAMA]

Annnnnd now the weird flipside of my original complaint: NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT MY PREGNANCY.

I just spent hours reading a fascinating piece of investigative journalism. Yes, before I was "the pregnant lady," I was a professional writer who enjoyed reading good writing. I posted said article to my FB, only to garner this response:

"Baby! Stop reading all this negative stuff. It's pregnancy brain--you are poised for threats. I obsessed about the most horrible stories (mine were child abuse-related). But if you can, avoid, and focus on the good that you and your baby girl will do in the world! Xo"

K really? I get that she's coming from a place of concern, but are we really going to attribute my ongoing reading habit to "pregnancy brain"?

The story had nothing to do with children or child abuse... it was about harassment of female journalists on the internet. I suppose, by virtue of the fact that the writer and her subjects were women and women get pregnant, somehow it could be construed as pertaining to pregnancy...

...or not at all.

/end rant/ (for now)

 

[sojourn]

Ughhh... that is so condescending it kind of turns my stomach.

I feel you! My husband got me a waterproof Kindle this week. I was SO excited about being able to read in the bath (I used to just put my kindle in a ziplock!) and someone was like "Haha, that's a waste! You'll get halfway through all those baby books you bought it for, then the baby will come and you'll kiss hot baths and reading goodbye!"

I was pretty annoyed that a) someone thought I gave a damn about reading baby books (or at least, to the extent of buying a device dedicated to that) and b) that people just perpetuate the whole idea that parenting is horrible and you'll never do anything pleasurable again.

It seems to me that, before I was a pregnant person I was just a person. Why don't we get to be just a person anymore? What is the point of everyone forgetting the fact that there is a whole separate person in my body that ISN'T my baby.

 

[auntiesarah25]

I've had kind of a crummy day, so this wouldn't normally bother me as much...

But why must everyone make everything pregnancy-related somehow about them?!!?

As some of you know, I've dealt with this frustration before when posting bump pictures (at my friends' request) to FB. The usual response from certain folks (sometimes repeatedly) goes along the lines of: "I'm bigger than that, and I'm not even pregnant!" So now, they're putting me in the position to a) apologize for being small(ish), and b) tell them how not fat they are.

And then, today, I had to deal with a bunch of hubbub over this:

https://i.imgur.com/zIdGZvL.jpg

What in the world could be so controversial about this picture?! I posted it because it made me feel better about the pathetic state in which I find myself... my doctor wants me to work from home, I can't really exercise... I can't tie my shoes, for goodness sake!

But, reading the comments, I was instantly pissed off. A bunch of dudes were saying things like "You make humans... with equal contribution of a man." Because having an orgasm and waiting 9 months is an equal contribution to growing and carrying an entire human.

And then, some girl started complaining that the emulation of Rosie the Riveter is inappropriate because "this is the exact opposite of what she stood for." So now being pregnant stands in opposition to feminism, as if pregnant women can't work or be independent?

And then.. the kicker. My best friend (who lost a son at 23 weeks) decided to play "devil's advocate" by saying the image isn't empowering to people who can't have children.

FWIW, I get her pain, I do. Losing a child is the worst pain in the world. And certainly it's not easy to be reminded of that loss in the form of all your pregnant friends.

HOWEVER, am I not allowed to derive empowerment from an image of a strong, pregnant lady? Am I not allowed to acknowledge that the ability to carry a child is awesome? I already know I'm not allowed to complain around her... but now it's like I'm not allowed to be happy about my pregnancy either.

I need a T-shirt that reads: MY PREGNANCY IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

Anyone else have similar experiences?

First of all thank you for making me laugh - the comment about equal contribution from a man - OH MY! You put that exactly right! Our other halves know nothing of what we're going through even if they are the most sympathetic or caring.

Second, I LOVE the pic. It shows that women are strong enough to create life. There is nothing more amazing than that!

Some people just don't know how to talk about anything other than themselves. Others don't know how to be happy for others.

I have an old friend from high school that I've recently gotten back in contact with and everything I post baby related she relates to herself - everything! She leaves advice and huge rambling comments on my posts everyday. I'm sure she means well but she comes off as a know it all snob. Some people don't realize how they sound.

 

[BadMamaJAMA]

Ughhh... that is so condescending it kind of turns my stomach.

I feel you! My husband got me a waterproof Kindle this week. I was SO excited about being able to read in the bath (I used to just put my kindle in a ziplock!) and someone was like "Haha, that's a waste! You'll get halfway through all those baby books you bought it for, then the baby will come and you'll kiss hot baths and reading goodbye!"

I was pretty annoyed that a) someone thought I gave a damn about reading baby books (or at least, to the extent of buying a device dedicated to that) and b) that people just perpetuate the whole idea that parenting is horrible and you'll never do anything pleasurable again.

It seems to me that, before I was a pregnant person I was just a person. Why don't we get to be just a person anymore? What is the point of everyone forgetting the fact that there is a whole separate person in my body that ISN'T my baby.

*Facepalm*

I'm gagging for you. Someone assumed you got a Kindle for the sole purpose of reading baby books in the bath.

After a second comment on my FB, I finally hit back with: "I'm not trying to be rude, but I feel like I'm being unfairly concern-trolled here. Before I was "the pregnant lady," I was a journalist who enjoyed reading about journalism and women's issues. I continue to be that person, regardless of my biological state. I realize that everyone here is coming from a kind, caring place, but I can assure you that I don't need any help in deciding what to read at night."

...And then I deleted the whole thread.

 

[Starry Night]

I've had to delete FB threads that turned ugly too.

I think it's crazy that you were being criticized for having interests outside of pregnancy and babies. Oh wow.

I already have a child and parenting isn't awful. You can still be your own person and have your own hobbies and interests outside of your child. I mean, children do take up a lot of your time and there are times I feel house-bound or know too much about Sesame Street but DH and I take our evenings to do grown up things and we are purposeful in trying to make date nights once a month (we live in the middle of nowhere so it is harder to find a sitter and to get out to the city for a movie or dinner).

I would imagine that a high-needs child would be even more draining but it's still about the choices you make. I think it's good for a child to see their parents as people....not just as the bringers of food and entertainment.

 

[BadMamaJAMA]

Good for you and your DH, Starry Night!

I have a seven-year-old stepdaughter, so I currently treasure (not for long) the hours between 9 and 11 after she goes to bed and before I pass out. That's when I get to read or have grown-up conversations with my husband.


I still plan on reading once my LO gets here; but I know it'll be hard. But if you stop being you after pregnancy and having kids, I suspect you'll grow to resent them. Kids are obviously a MAJOR part of your life, but they're just that - a part of your life.

The other parts - what you like to do as hobbies, for example - don't just go away, even if you have less (or almost no) time to do them. In my case, it's not like my reading comprehension has suddenly dwindled so that I can only wrap my head around the assembly instructions for my diaper genie.

DH and I are definitely going to try and do what you guys do to make time for each other - and ourselves! We've already agreed to switch off shifts so that we can go to the gym at our apartment complex. I can imagine that 30 minutes with headphones in and no baby on my boob will be like a little oasis... and then I'll be so happy to see everyone again!

 

[pooch]

HOLY CRAP I LOVE THAT PICTURE!!! so the whole time I thought it was YOU in the picture but it's not even you and people are saying that stuff? Sounds like you have a lot of people that deserve to be deleted from your FB friend list!! Ha. I mean seriously, if they are supposed to be friends they should be supportive. Everyone's pregnancy and TTC experiences are different and because it is such a special time I think women like to regale in their experiences and share their opinions so we all remember they at one time were the 'special' one. It's not you that they are having issues with it's themselves. try to ignore it as best you can!

 

[I Love Lucy]

I pretty much have no desire to talk to anyone while I'm pregnant after the experience I had with DS. I told my MIL and my mom that I was pregnant right away and then asked them both not to say anything because of how early it was. Well my MIL decided she could tell whoever she wanted like it was HER news to share. Then due to a miscommunication with my mom, she told everybody she knew including my cousin who is LTTTC who I wanted to tell personally. They didn't allow me to tell anyone MY NEWS. This time around, they won't be told until 12 weeks when everyone else is finding out.

Then my MIL and mom both continued to only talk about my pregnancy as if I as a person no longer existed. Anytime I would try to change the subject to something else they would always go right back to talking about me being pregnant. It was like I was nothing more than a human incubator.

Then they continued to act as if I had to tell them every detail about every doctors appointment and anytime I bought something and if I didn't then they would literally cry to me about excluding them.

They also liked to tell me how I would feel because they know how pregnancy is for everyone apparently. MIL would say all the time that being pregnant for the first time is so exciting so all the bad things don't matter. Uh what exactly is exciting about being sick 24/7? I'm honestly not a person that enjoys being pregnant, if I could I would fast forward through the 9 months of pregnancy. And my mom thought just because she loved having her bump touched that I should too and got really mad when I told her no, she can't touch my stomach.

I don't understand why people have to behave so differently when you're pregnant.

 

[BadMamaJAMA]

I'm so sorry you went through that, I Love Lucy.

SPEAKING of human incubators, I just couldn't resist putting this piece of tragic sadness on my FB: https://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/08/us/pregnant-and-forced-to-stay-on-life-support.html?_r=1

Of COURSE the same folks who criticized me earlier automatically assume that "EVERY mother would want to have their body carry on for the sake of their baby."

And I was like... umm... not me. I mean, right now, I'm 35 weeks... so if something happened, by all means, do what you gotta do to get baby girl out. But if I were 14 weeks pregnant and legally died, I'd want to... well, be dead. My husband knows that, and my ghost would come back PISSED if the state overrode my decision to die with dignity because of the baby.

But of course, my personal preferences TOTALLY apply to every other pregnant woman... not.

 

[bamm]

Yep! I feel like this pregnancy I can't be honest about how I feel. Before, when I had DD I thought pregnancy was a breeze. This one has been so crap that I can't help but complain. Last night I had a small FB whinge (I have 83 friends, and I keep the whinging to a minimum) but still had a friend who's going through IVF post a status soon after saying 'Jesus Christ some people just need to grow up!!!!!!!!!!!!' then delete it shortly after.

Just because we can fall pregnant and have babies, does NOT mean we have no right to complain when things don't work out. I'm another that's basically stuck in bed all day due to pains of some sort, yeah, having a baby is a blessing, but being pregnant is soo not easy!

 

[sojourn]

I don't know how people can't just recognize that, especially on Facebook, it is really unnecessary to casually dismiss people's suffering. It's public, and it's their OWN forum for voicing their thoughts. It's such a shitty thing to do to a "friend".

I have definitely been the friend who is annoyed with another friend's complaining (like my childhood best friend, bitching about not having any money when she made $30k a year, lived in a 2 br apt. with the rent paid by her parents and also had 30K of student loan money, 20k in consumer debt and 20k in credit card debt...while I lived in a studio with the power cut off because I was too poor to afford it). I definitely told her in person that I was the wrong person to complain to and that I didn't have any sympathy. I didn't feel the need to post nasty responses to her facebook whining. It was her platform, and not directed at me.

 

[BadMamaJAMA]

I feel for people dealing with loss and the disappointment of not being able to conceive, I truly do...

But it's not like I got pregnant just to make them feel bad. It's gotten to the point where I lie whenever people ask me how I'm feeling because I'm so scared about offending someone.

Truth? This baby is crushing my ribs so badly that I've been granted a reasonable accommodation to work from home so i can type and talk from the fetal position all day. I feel like my abs have been ripped down the middle, and I'm really effing tired.

But, for everyone else's sake, I have to be "glowing" and grateful... but not too excited... because you never know who you're going to offend by being pregnant.

 

[Starry Night]

If people ask, then yes, be honest. After my losses I NEVER brought up a person's pregnancy if I knew I wouldn't be able to handle talking about it. I also hid pregnant people from my FB (I didn't outright block or delete them). I knew it was my issue but I absolutely could not handle a single pregnancy update: good, bad or benign.

I do think that FB is a poor platform to air out complaints in general, both due to fights that can start over something small or it can get carried away and I wouldn't want to make a fight with another person so public. It feels small and petty. Also, there is always those people who never sympathize with others and like to attack people when they're down. So I never want them to know when I'm down.

 

[bluejen]

I would say that reading while breast feeding should be actively encouraged. It's relaxing for you and then you are more likely to produce the goods ! If you bf, you'll be doing it a lot , so plenty of time for reading ! xx

 

[BadMamaJAMA]

I would say that reading while breast feeding should be actively encouraged. It's relaxing for you and then you are more likely to produce the goods ! If you bf, you'll be doing it a lot , so plenty of time for reading ! xx

Best news I've gotten in a long time!

 

[sojourn]

I would say that reading while breast feeding should be actively encouraged. It's relaxing for you and then you are more likely to produce the goods ! If you bf, you'll be doing it a lot , so plenty of time for reading ! xx

Best news I've gotten in a long time!

Amen sister!
I am so jazzed about that! I was planning on it, but so many people have laughed it off that I assumed it must not really be possible. Good to know that it is!
Yay!
This is especially excited since I did not buy a kindle to read baby books! This is my 3rd kindly in the last 8 years...mine is permanently affixed to my presence. I am an extremely avid reader.

 

[bluejen]

Once you find a comfortable position, it's easier . I used to feed lying on my side and then rest the kindle on a pillow behind baby's head if that makes sense! You have spare hand this way so can even flip through a magazine, change channels, eat! You will be surprised at what you can do! you can bottle feed with one hand too! Everyone knows your life changes, but it frustrates me when people say; you can't do this, that or the other ! I feel like saying - Watch me!

 

[BadMamaJAMA]

For real! And it's not like the baby knows you don't have his or her undivided attention. Baby wants food and to be close to you... I've seen no evidence that you must have your eyes permanently affixed only on the baby in order to bond properly.