This is such a difficult topic, for me at least. A year later I still avoid birth stories because I just can't relate. i get upset and resentful when i read of happy normal births, how pathetic is that!
Every preemie is a different journey, of course. I always try hard not to compare to other parents. But sometimes I've caught myself doing so.
After the csection, as i was brought back to my room, there was a new patient there with me (we were two per room). She cried and wailed and bawled her eyes out for days. Over time, listening to her sob on the phone I learned why...her full-term baby had jaundice and was under uv lamps.
That was it. uv lamps. My own baby was struggling just to stay alive. The doctors were very pessimistic he'd survive 24 hours; they were having trouble stabilizing him.
I told myself over and over her pain was as valid and real as mine. Suffering is heartfelt and cannot be compared. But i found it really hard at times.
During the next few weeks i attended a few preemie support meetings at the hospital. A funny thing I noticed is there were three scenarios that kept recurring. (I'm just generalizing here, please don't think I'm categorizing everyone, this is just my personal experience) Those whose little ones were hospitalized for a few days agonized over going home without baby. They were often the most vocal ones, saying how awful it was to be home empty handed. Those whose babies were in nicu for longer talked about finding it hard not to be able to hold their little ones. They seemed less upset, more accepting of the situation. Those like me who had the more pessimistic cases were usually calm and quiet. I recall wondering if something was wrong with me. It didn't bother me at all going home empty handed, or not being able to hold my baby. The thought never crossed my mind. I realized over a few of these meetings that my point of view was just different. I was secretly annoyed (don't hate me!) of the mothers babbling away how AWFUL it was to leave baby in the hospital a few days. During an introductory round the other mom whose baby was as fragile as mine - her daughter had severe lung problems - was asked to present herself, and she finally spoke up for the first time. She echoed what i had been thinking at all these meetings. She said quietly 'my daughter is a 24 weeker, I just hope she survives'. That's how I felt too.
Twice there were parents I knew in nicu whose precious ones didn't make it. I tried to tell myself I was one of the lucky ones. But it was hard. It just made me realize even more how suffering just can't be compared.
For months after baby was born (gosh this is becoming quite the confessional sorry
) I couldn't even go into a maternity store without a major panic attack. The sight of all those big bellies with parents distraught because they couldn't get the furniture in quite the right shade - it would make me SOOO upset I'd storm out. I literally couldn't breathe or see straight. How DARE they be upset over such idiotic details. I would have given anything just to reach 30 weeks. Well you get the picture
My best friend had to be provoked at 38 weeks due to diabeties. She gave birth naturally to healthy twins. In the months that followed she ranted at me countless times because she wasn't able to give birth at home. She listed off the many small things that didn't go as she had planned. She was very upset, this was clearly very important to her. I tried and tried to be sympathetic. i nodded gravely and agreed, went through the motions. Yet this was the period I had just found out my little guy might be paralyzed on one side. I admit I could not muster one ounce of sympathy, despite all my efforts. In my mind her complaints sounded soooo pathetic and trivial. Yet to her this was clearly a tragedy. When she asked my opinion i said quietly 'im just glad my son's alive'. I think she realized we were coming from such drastically different situations we couldn't really compare.
Why tell you all this? It IS hard not to compare our experiences. Now I just nod silently when people tell me of their poor baby who had to stay under uv lamps a few days
At first I thought sharing my story would make them feel better about theirs. But it doesn't, it just made them feel cheap. So now I only reveal my own 'journey' if people insist.
)
xxx
