Delighted to be pregnant. How to tell infertile sister in law?

[Sunshine baby]

My husband and I are delighted to be pregnant. We were trying for 6 months (we started trying right after our wedding). This is our first baby and we're both so excited. We have told all of our immediate family who are thrilled for us. We haven't told my husband's sister or her husband yet. Her and her husband have been trying for kids for 7 years. They have spent a lot of money on 2 rounds of IVF. On the second round they got pregnant and scans at 6 and 8 weeks showed everything was fine. It was at the 12 week scan they found the baby had stopped growing at 10 weeks. I know she finds it hard when her friends fell pregnant so we've been putting off telling them. We live in UK and they live in Australia but in a few weeks we will see them at a family wedding in South Africa.

DH and I don't know how to tell them. I said to DH he should tell them, it might be worse if I'm involved in that conversation. And then she'll have time to get used to the idea before she sees me. When DH and I were trying, after a few months it was bittersweet when I found out about other people getting pregnant. I can't imagine what my sister in law will feel when she finds out. She's lovely and not a mean person, but of course she'll be sad and I feel bad I'm causing that.

 

[RandaBear159]

Thats so sad.. I didnt wanna r&r but i really dont know what to say..

 

[Clarehc]

I think you need to be honest with her asap. Whether it's you or DH, call or write to her and tell her and say that you understand it must be hard for her to hear and that you don't wish to cause her pain but wanted to be honest and upfront. That way she'll have time to get used to it before the wedding.

You are lucky, six months of trying is nothing really but you are completely entitled to be happy about your own pregnancy. They've had such bad luck that it may taint their views so I would be sure to acknowledge this. I've been on the receiving end of such news many times in our years of TTC and always tried to retain perspective no matter how upset I was but it is hard. Don't feel guilty but do keep her in the loop and be considerate of her. Good luck!

 

[equikm]

First congrats on your pregnancy

I think we have all got a friend who we have had to tell who our happy news may cause some tears and I wanted to share my experience of telling my friend at work who had a MMC. I waited til my 12 week scan at 13+3 and told her that day. I called her for a chat then told her I had some news I wanted to speak about before I told everyone else at work. I then explained I was pregnant and she was lovely and delighted though I'm sure it's hard for her. I wanted to tell her over phone so if she wanted to have a cry then she could and I seen her a few days later which I think let her take it in. She never has given the impression so far she isn't happy for me and I'm sure it's not easy for her but in her shoes I just thought of how I'd rather be told. I could of let another person tell her but I think if I done that I'm making her an outsider. Hope it goes well for you x

 

[arj]

Hmmm its a hard one. I have two infertile SILs, I heard later that one of them cried all day when I got preg with 1st baby :/

I think there's never gonna be an easy way to tell her but probably the earlier the better cos if you hide it for ages she will feel like you have been hiding it from her because she is infertile.

 

[mhazzab]

My husband and I are delighted to be pregnant. We were trying for 6 months (we started trying right after our wedding). This is our first baby and we're both so excited. We have told all of our immediate family who are thrilled for us. We haven't told my husband's sister or her husband yet. Her and her husband have been trying for kids for 7 years. They have spent a lot of money on 2 rounds of IVF. On the second round they got pregnant and scans at 6 and 8 weeks showed everything was fine. It was at the 12 week scan they found the baby had stopped growing at 10 weeks. I know she finds it hard when her friends fell pregnant so we've been putting off telling them. We live in UK and they live in Australia but in a few weeks we will see them at a family wedding in South Africa.

DH and I don't know how to tell them. I said to DH he should tell them, it might be worse if I'm involved in that conversation. And then she'll have time to get used to the idea before she sees me. When DH and I were trying, after a few months it was bittersweet when I found out about other people getting pregnant. I can't imagine what my sister in law will feel when she finds out. She's lovely and not a mean person, but of course she'll be sad and I feel bad I'm causing that.

hope you don't mind me replying...I'm not in the same position as your SIL and I can't imagine how hard it must be to battle for so long to have a child. However, I did give birth to twins last summer at 23 weeks and they didn't survive. It was an extremely painful experience and I have to admit I had a terrible time seeing or hearing of pregnancies and babies. Of course I was happy for other people but completely jealous and hearing any one else's good news made me so upset, I was sad for myself. I know this sounds horrible but I am just being honest.

I preferred to hear this kind of news by email...it gave me a chance to process the information, have a cry about it and then speak to the person when I was ready for it. If someone had told me face to face I would have really struggled. My friend gave birth two weeks after I did, and this was the only way I could speak to her, and hear about her daughter, for months. I could read her news when I was ready for it, not have it forced upon me.

It's lovely that you are so worried about telling her, but please don't let your worry stop you enjoying your pregnancy. xx

 

[AC1987]

I know how that is it is hard, my sis has been trying for 3 years now and is thinking of doing ivf... it was really hard for me to tell her, but she actually is quite happy for me and was like "Why would I be mad" so you never know what responce you will hear.

 

[CharlotteLove]

I would send her an email and let her know that you are pregnant. And then I would try not to talk about it too much in front of her at the wedding.

Congrats on your joy! You are a very thoughtful person to be concerned about how it will make her feel.

 

[bookreader]

I would also say to do it in an email, that way she will feel under no pressure to give an immediate response and as someone else said, plenty of time to process it.

Congrats though!

 

[susan_1981]

I would let her know ASAP and definitely before you see her at the wedding. Just because then it will give her time to come to terms with you being pregnant so that she should hopefully be able to see the happy side for you.

It took me over 3 years to fall pregnant after a previous miscarriage and it was so hard when my friend told me she was pregnant - especially as she didn't even know her OH when me and my husband started trying! It just felt so unfair! But she told me over the phone and said that she knows I'll be happy for her but it would probably upset me at the same time. She said that she didn't want to tell me to my face because I might want to have a little cry - she was right, I did! - and at least I could do it on my own at home. This is exactly what happened and then I got over it.

After all, the way I saw it was that it was someone else having a baby, it wasn't them having my baby. I didn't want their baby, I wanted my own if that makes sense. I was just really jealous of their growing bumps and of the excitement they must be feeling. But at the same time, I knew it would be selfish of me to not let them express how happy they are. It's not their fault that it took me so long. This is how I was anyway. So I definitely think tell her sooner rather than later x

 

[Dk1234]

Whatever you do, make sure it is private so she can deal with it without a bunch of other people.

 

[LisaL79]

I would send an email as well. That way she won't feel like she has to fake being happy on the phone if she feels like she needs to cry.

 

[Sunshine baby]

Thank you so much for your advice. I had initially thought emailing her was a bad idea- me and DH felt it was a bit of a cop out and impersonal for such intimate news. But reading your comments has changed my mind completely. Especially Mhazzab's reply. Thinking about it, I guess if I were in the same situation I wouldn't want to be told face to face. I will get hubby to email them tonight. I will make sure at the wedding I don't talk about the pregnancy or baby unless they bring it up. I guess that's a good plan anyway as I don't want to steal bride's thunder.

Thanks for your support- you're all such lovely ladies

 

[Sunshine baby]

Thanks for taking the time to reply mhazzab, that was a very thoughtful message. I just read your story and it's lovely how compassionate you are after your sad loss. Some people would have turned bitter. I wish you all the best

My husband and I are delighted to be pregnant. We were trying for 6 months (we started trying right after our wedding). This is our first baby and we're both so excited. We have told all of our immediate family who are thrilled for us. We haven't told my husband's sister or her husband yet. Her and her husband have been trying for kids for 7 years. They have spent a lot of money on 2 rounds of IVF. On the second round they got pregnant and scans at 6 and 8 weeks showed everything was fine. It was at the 12 week scan they found the baby had stopped growing at 10 weeks. I know she finds it hard when her friends fell pregnant so we've been putting off telling them. We live in UK and they live in Australia but in a few weeks we will see them at a family wedding in South Africa.

DH and I don't know how to tell them. I said to DH he should tell them, it might be worse if I'm involved in that conversation. And then she'll have time to get used to the idea before she sees me. When DH and I were trying, after a few months it was bittersweet when I found out about other people getting pregnant. I can't imagine what my sister in law will feel when she finds out. She's lovely and not a mean person, but of course she'll be sad and I feel bad I'm causing that.

hope you don't mind me replying...I'm not in the same position as your SIL and I can't imagine how hard it must be to battle for so long to have a child. However, I did give birth to twins last summer at 23 weeks and they didn't survive. It was an extremely painful experience and I have to admit I had a terrible time seeing or hearing of pregnancies and babies. Of course I was happy for other people but completely jealous and hearing any one else's good news made me so upset, I was sad for myself. I know this sounds horrible but I am just being honest.

I preferred to hear this kind of news by email...it gave me a chance to process the information, have a cry about it and then speak to the person when I was ready for it. If someone had told me face to face I would have really struggled. My friend gave birth two weeks after I did, and this was the only way I could speak to her, and hear about her daughter, for months. I could read her news when I was ready for it, not have it forced upon me.

It's lovely that you are so worried about telling her, but please don't let your worry stop you enjoying your pregnancy. xx

 

[mhazzab]

Thanks for taking the time to reply mhazzab, that was a very thoughtful message. I just read your story and it's lovely how compassionate you are after your sad loss. Some people would have turned bitter. I wish you all the best

aww what a sweet message, thank you.

I would normally say that email is a bit of a cop out too, but, in this situation, i honestly think it's the best way to tell her and give her time to process it. Just explain in the email why you have chosen to do it this way. As you say probably best not to talk about it much at the wedding unless she brings it up...but you sound like you are a pretty thoughtful person anyway so don't need someone else to tell you that.

congrats on your pregnancy by the way, I forgot to tell you that the first time! hope all is going well x

 

[MummyMandi]

You have a heart of gold hun. I dont know what to say but didnt want to r&r but i can tell you are such a lovely caring person i hope all goes well for you all Xxxxxxx

 

[pinkandfluffy]

Congratulations - and good luck, I hope it goes as well as it can do.

I was going to add email etc is ordinarily a cop out but in situations like this there is no pressure on her to mask her emotions and she can come to terms with it in her own time / way.

We had a similar situation and I opted for writing and I believe I did right x

 

[miracle35]

I'm having a hard time with a similar situation as well. My Sister has been trying for just 3 years and fell pregnant twice through IVF, but lost both - one at 8wks and one at 10wks.
Anyway I found out I was pregnant in November and had mixed feelings. Obviously absolute delight at the prospect of having a baby but really upset about telling her. I decided to tell her by email that I had some news for her and would she be free to meet up but she emailed straight back to say she thinks she had guessed and was happy for me if it was what she thought it was. Anyway I confirmed and asked to meet up but she didn't get back to me for a few weeks. Then we had a few family and friends get togethers coming up to Christmas and it gave us a chance to catch up. I didn't bring up the pregnancy but she asked me a couple of times about when scans were etc and she was really good about it. But there was a meal that was arranged for about 10 of us and I was throwing up so badly I couldn't go and she was really unforgiving about that. Then it got better again and she seemed ok. But she has distanced herself from me now for about a month, I haven't heard a thing back even though I've tried to get in touch, she hasn't asked how I am getting on or how baby is or anything. I keep getting really upset but then keep reminding myself that it is getting harder for her now I am getting further along.

So a longwinded way of saying it is best to tell her asap but expect a mixture of reactions and don't take it personally if she backs off from you, as hard as it is.

xxx

 

[Sunshine12]

I have one friend who has been trying for ages and told her over phone (she doesnt live in UK) and she was totally fine with it (she has had 2 IVF and 3 AI rounds). We got pregnant after having sex once so I didnt even get the chance to tell her we were going to start trying but in any case she was over the moon for us and said that her situation didnt mean she wouldnt be happy for me. My other friend (not as close) who has had one round of IVF and only started trying when we did hasnt spoken to me since (she already knew she couldnt get pregnant through normal intercourse) Everyone deals with it different. So long as you are sensitive about it and give her time to deal with it Im sure it will be fine. There is no right or wrong in this scenario although I agree that it might be best for your OH to tell her. Good luck with it. x

 

[seany3]

I have this situation with my own sister, she had just gone through a failed IVF attempt..

I actually told her before I told my parents as I wanted her to have some time to get her head around it. Her reaction was different to everyone else naturally, more subdued and I do my best to not rub her nose in it. We have become a little more distant than before but I think she needs time and I completely respect that its hard for her. From experience, the sooner shes told the better. How awful would it be if she heard from somebody else. It will be ok. I completely understand how you feel x