Devastation as I suffer a 3rd loss after a year ttc.

[Suggerhoney]

Hi ladies
I’m not in a good place at the moment at all.
I feel so hopeless and so sad and I feel like my body keeps letting these babies down.
Ok so technically not babies, but a loss is a loss and even early losses hurt.
I’ve had later loss with my first baby at 10+4 weeks so I’ve been on that side of things too.

As many of you already know. We have Been trying for another baby for a year now.
We fell in April last year but that was a chemical pregnancy.
We fell again at the end of May last year and all looked so promising.
Tests progressed beautifully daily but sadly I went on to miscarry at just over 5 weeks.
I was 42 last year and the miscarriage broke my heart so very much but I felt blessed I could still fall pregnant at my age.
And we carried on trying.
Sadly all I got after that miscarriage was BFN after BFN after BFN.
Then last Saturday 4th February at 13dpo which is late for me. I usually get BFP by 10dpo when pregnant.
But 13dpo and was just waiting for AF as I had BFN at 10dpo, 11dpo, 12dpo.
I even had a smear test done at 10dpo when testing BFN.
But 13 dpo I tested and to my surprise I had faint lines on ICs and a faint but very clear BFP on CB and also Frer.
I couldn’t believe my eyes after 8 and a half months of BFNs.
That night I had some bad cramping. Nothing else. Just like with my 2 losses last year I had zero symptoms other than that cramping at 13dpo.
My ibs really flared at 11 and 12dpo so I’m guessing that’s when implantation took place.
That night I read on line that late implantation, as in after 9dpo would lead to miscarriage.
I felt crushed and so scared.
And sadly it proved true.
Tested the following day and lines were fainter.
Still there but not darker.
I know all to well how this would end after suffering 4 chemicals in 2020.
17dpo I started bleeding and by day 2 it was heavy and very clotty.
I’m now 43 years old.
This was my 10th loss in total.
I do have children already so I’m blessed but I just wanted my wee take home rainbow so so much.
I just feel so alone and so lost and so hopeless right now.
My DH wants to continue trying and I do too because I just want my rainbow so so badly.
I just want to be pregnant again with my take home rainbow.
But I fear it may never ever happen for me.
I feel like I’m too old and my eggs just are not good enough to get a sticky healthy baby.


I don’t know, maybe I should just give up.
After a year trying and 3 losses it just feels like it’s never going to happen.

I feel so desperately sad and so hopeless

 

[sallyhansen76]

I saw you posted hun, and wanted to reach out.

A loss is a loss, no matter how soon or far. We may live it differently but the pain is real.

I want to send you lots of love and to remind yourself to be kind to yourself. Take the time to heal in whatever way that means.

It also means, be kind to yourself in how you see yourself. And this comes from a place of love, but in multiple posts you always refer to your age and fear of not being able to conceive. Try to remain positive, see yourself as healthy, beautiful and fertile as you as

Remember I was there with you on your TTC journey before you got pregnant with your youngest and even then, you refered to yourself as 'older' and it would be impossible. Remind yourself you and your body ARE capable every time you hold your son. Remind your mind your body CAN do it, and will again. Try and see the miraculous and fertile woman you are.

As for your loss, I am incredibly sorry this wasn't your take home baby, but I truly believe it WILL happen for you.

Sending hugs

 

[Suggerhoney]

Awwww Sal thanks so much.
I will keep on trying and hopefully it will happen again soon and it will be super sticky and healthy and a take home little rainbow baby at full term.
Healthy and strong.

I guess you just don’t see many women 43 or older having babies.
Can’t think of one on here but I am in a over 40s ttc group on FB and there have been a few on there.
Hopefully I’ll be one of the lucky ones like them.
Thank you Sal for your kind words.
It mean a lot

 

[happyface82]

Sending you big big hugs. And also, I agree with @sallyhansen76 Maybe a little change on how you see yourself will give you the lift you need. I know it’s easier said than done - I am exactly the same(!) but please please don’t feel this is your fault. Any pregnancy that didn’t progress wasn’t healthy so however much it hurts its best this way.
I can’t even imagine how painful this is but maybe try and focus on your well being and the rest will come. Do I remember correctly that in your family there were babies born from that age group and older? So why not you?? I’ll be rooting for you!

 

[Suggerhoney]

Sending you big big hugs. And also, I agree with @sallyhansen76 Maybe a little change on how you see yourself will give you the lift you need. I know it’s easier said than done - I am exactly the same(!) but please please don’t feel this is your fault. Any pregnancy that didn’t progress wasn’t healthy so however much it hurts its best this way.
I can’t even imagine how painful this is but maybe try and focus on your well being and the rest will come. Do I remember correctly that in your family there were babies born from that age group and older? So why not you?? I’ll be rooting for you!

thank you.
I don’t think it helps that a friend of mine who lives next door is now pregnant.
I just feel totally alone. And just don’t have any hope anymore.
It just feels like it’s never ever going to happen.
No no one in my family has had a baby at 43 or older.

My aunty got pregnant with my cousin at 41 and had her at 42.
I think there was other ladies that had family members get pregnant later in life so maybe your confusing me for them.

I’m cd6 now so still early in my cycle. Still bleeding a bit but only lightly.
Tested for pregnancy again today and it was BFN so the HCG that was there is no longer there so we can get on with trying again.
Really hoping and praying it happens for us again this cycle but it will be healthy and sticky and a take home baby at full term.
But it’s just so hard to try and remain hopeful when it’s nothing but BFN. Or strong BFPs and I lose or faint lines that don’t progress.
I just didn’t think I’d still be trying now when we first started trying a year ago.
I really thought I would of been pregnant by now.
It really doesn’t help either that my due date is coming up to the one I lost in June.

I was due on 22nd February ​