DH throws me a curve ball and I'm so upset!!

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - Second Trimester' started by kelownaprego, Jun 7, 2011.

  1. kelownaprego

    kelownaprego Well-Known Member

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    Kind of a rant just a warning! So me and my husband have talked all along about finding out the gender at our 20 week scan. At the beginning of the pregnancy my husband said if it were up to him he probablly would want to wait, but he knows how bad we are at being patient and he admitted that he probablly would end up wanting to know anyways. I was honest right away and said basically 'we're finding out deal with it' and he never argued about it at all. We have done nothing but talk about how excited we are to find out the gender, and he hasn't even let me buy clothes until we can buy for a boy or a girl. Anyways, I guess he has been secretly talking to people with kids, and a couple of days ago he told me a couple of women were 'shocked' that he said he was finding out, and that they never did, and they can't believe he would ruin the biggest surprise in life etc etc etc. and it really seemed to upset him and change his mind! He was going on and on and on about how I should really rethink it, and he doesnt want to find out and totally guilting me by saying 'well it's your choice but I think it's a TERRIBLE idea' OMFG! My scan is in less than a bloody week! I have literally picked out outfits, a crib, paint, bedding etc etc etc that I am going to buy the day I have my scan! I felt like he punched me in the gut, I was so upset that he would drop a bomb like that so close to the time of finding out. I told him that if he felt so strongly right from the start I would have respected his right as a father and would have been able to get over wanting to know (I would have had months to accept it rather than going on this whole time thinking June 13th is the big day!). Do you guys think I really should reconsider, or can I just squash this because it's so last minute. I feel really guilty now that I am ruining such a huge life milestone, but I feel like he is ruining a huge life milestone for me if I give in. I really am torn. I think he will be happy if we find out, and I don't think he will resent me, but who knows? I really would love some advice ladies.
    PS he totally refuses to let me find out and keep it from him, I already tried that! I just don't understand what the difference is whether we are surpised in a week or in a few months, we have to date, never even been able to wait until xmas morning to open gifts, why would we start now!!!!!
     
  2. Blah11

    Blah11 ☼ Mummy to Amelie ☼

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    Not really fair on you. If you want to know and he doesn't then simple, you find out and he doesn't. he can't really refuse for you to find out.

    What a selfish nelson :(
     
  3. kelownaprego

    kelownaprego Well-Known Member

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    ps I also want to punch those women, I don't understand why people feel the need to push their views on you when you don't ask for it. Its one thing being on the fence and asking for someone's oppinion, but he made it sound like they were just totally shocked and went on and on about why we were making a terrible choice. how annoying!!!!! they should know that men of pregnant women are very vulnerable and easily manipulated!
     
  4. Periwinkle

    Periwinkle Well-Known Member

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    I'd be just as upset. It seems silly to me that he's letting some other people change his mind for him!

    I think the whole surprise of your life thing is balls anyway though. Its either going to be a boy or a girl, its not that surprising!
     
  5. Blah11

    Blah11 ☼ Mummy to Amelie ☼

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    I have a friend at work who didnt find out what she was having and keeps trying to convince me not to too :roll: As if seeing your baby for the first time isn't enough?!
     
  6. jacks mummy

    jacks mummy Well-Known Member

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    if this was me.. i would tell him to piss off! lol i no that sounds harsh but i no how it feels to really really want to no!! he cant just land this on u now like u said he should of said way earlier on it seems to me its just as important to u finding out as it is to him to not find out so i think u hold the trump card here your the one carrying the baby gone thru months of feeling like crap and the stress of birth coming up in just a few short months! so i believe its ur choice i would simply say 'darling im not arguing with u over this but we are finding out' and leave it at that good luck hun x
     
  7. Pixie2320

    Pixie2320 Well-Known Member

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    I can't stand people who try to push their own views on others when it comes to that.. It's not like they're worried about the babies health, etc etc they're just being nosy twats if you ask me.

    The day baby comes will be exciting enough for me, don't think I need any MORE surprise on top of it.. and like someone else said, its either going to be a boy or a girl, not like there's a lot of options :thumbup:

    I would stick with finding out if thats what you want, honestly he probably still wants to know and is just giving in to peer pressure :dohh:
     
  8. lynnikins

    lynnikins Well-Known Member

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    omg id tell him to deal with it caus he cant lead you on like that for months and then change his mind , its your baby too and you have done alot of prep work in anticipation of finding out,

    theres loads of firsts and you can share them all its not like we get sneak peeks at our LO's first steps or anything lol,
     
  9. Tizy

    Tizy Well-Known Member

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    Oooh poor you, this is a really tricky situation to be in. I do think he's being unfair and unreasonable after you've waited until now thinking you were going to find out soon.

    Could you try appealing to his better nature....recite all the plus points about knowing the sex - it helps with bonding - you can plan better etc.

    At the end of the day why does it matter if you find out at 20 weeks or at 40 weeks, I think he should be a little more considerate of your feelings, your obviously upset my this sudden change in his opinion, and will it really make that much difference to him? Whereas not finding out will be a huge issue for you.

    Sorry I can't be of more help. Han Xxx
     
  10. kelownaprego

    kelownaprego Well-Known Member

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    oh thank you guys! I really kind of expected for everyone to think I was an evil witch! I agree I have so little joy in life these days, being pregnant when it's 30 degrees out is hell! I need this!!!!
     
  11. HollieQ

    HollieQ Well-Known Member

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    Awww xxx

    Urgh how dare other women say things to persuade him to change his mind, what's it got to do with then! I'd be furious! Tbh though, I know you said he was trying to make you feel guilty but I reackon he sounds like he's happy to go with your decision so don't fret too much :flower:. This will all be forgotten a few days/weeks down the line after he's found out the gender and is buzzing about it :flower:

    My oh has always said from day 1 he doesn't want to know the gender, and has managed to talk me into it, but i wasn't really bothered if we found out or not (lol is that bad?) xxx
     
  12. Hellymay83

    Hellymay83 Well-Known Member

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    I had this wih my dh, I've always wanted to know but he hasn't. I haven't argued with him about it though as I figured I will find out eventually, it's not like we are never going to know baby will be here in 14 weeks and it will be such an incentive to get me through labour :)
     
  13. shortie1990

    shortie1990 Mummy to two under 2 :)

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    Tell him you're finding out, if he doesn't want to then that's his choice but you're not changing your mind!

    I asked OH if we could keep it a surprise (haha as if I could wait!) and he told me he would find out he can't wait :haha:
     
  14. AngelBunny

    AngelBunny George's Mummy

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    i would be really upset too. our gender scan was a massive day for us. like you said, if my OH said from the start he didn't want to know i would have respected that, but to change his mind last minute, i'd find that really hard to deal with. i've even had members of my own family frown on our decision to find out the sex. tbh i really don't care what they think - all that matters is that we wanted to know. i love knowing my LO is a little man, i feel as if i know him so much better already, i love decorating the nursery for him, i love picking out his clothes, i just love knowing he is a he :cloud9: hope your OH comes round xx
     
  15. maybabydoll

    maybabydoll Other

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    Arghh I can see why this would be really annoying for you. My OH also wants the surprise of not knowing and I wasn't too worried either way so I argeed to stay team yellow.

    If you don't find out it means you'll probably buy gender neutral poducts which perhaps could be used for future babies. Also there are few true surprises left in life, so I can see it from that side too.

    Perhaps as a comprise you could get the hospital to write the gender on a note inside a sealed envelope, then if he changes his mind before the birth, you could pick a special time to open it. Just a thought as this is what a friend is doing. x x
     
  16. fides

    fides Well-Known Member

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    those women sound terrible!

    imo, since he is your husband and because you are both in this together, i hope that you guys will have a nice chat so that you guys can get back on the same page. he's probably just nervous and because he knows some ppl with kids who don't mind shoving their loud mouths out there, that's just what he's heard recently, so that's what he's thinking right now. Guys really don't think about things and stew on them for long like we do - i would guess that if you present all your reasons and feelings to him in a gentle conversation, he'll probably be swayed back again. Good luck - i hope everything turns out okay - you guys certainly don't want this to come between you.
     
  17. pixie p

    pixie p Well-Known Member

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    Ah thats so hard as you have been looking forward to it so much. I recon though once he's in there, he will find it hard to resist finding out, its sounds to me like his view is not quite as strong as yours.

    As for those other women, if somebody asks for my opinion i give it, but it's YOUR pregnancy not THEIRS and they should not be so openly against somebody else's decision! We are team yellow and my SIL who is due 6 weeks after me will be finding out the sex and i am so excited for them, it's never crossed my mind to try and persuade them not too.... its their baby!

    How boring would life be if we all did things the same!
     
  18. tweedy

    tweedy Well-Known Member

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    i think it's good that he has come to you with his concerns, it's not like he always wanted to find out, he just relented at first and is since going back on his decision. to be honest i would try and talk it over with him, if you think about it, rail roading him now will shut him out and make him feel excluded from the decision making process.

    i don't mean to sound dramatic, but how you handle this could impact on how he relates to the rest of the pregnancy and the parenting choices you will make in the future. men so often feel like a spare part during pregnancy, and after the birth it is hard to let go and let them have their part in things, i was so concious not to critise my hubbie when he did things wrong as i had seen my brother in law totally demoralised and become distant when my sister would stand over his shoulder for every little feed, change, bath etc.

    i really think telling him that you are finding out and that's it, is not the way to go, as soon as you step into the room and the scanner askes you both, if he says no and you say yes, they will not tell you anyway and your whole experience will be ruined, it'll be better to talk it over and express why you want to find out and how it will affect your bonding and preparations.

    i know it seems huge, but deal with it now and you will be glad about getting to gribs with compromise in the future. my daughter is 3 tomorrow and my husband wanted to get her a tv for her bedroom (more for him to have peace to watch the football), but i don't agree with shoving her away and i like to supervise and make her tv watching interactive etc and i didn't have tv in my room till i was about 14, we'll all done really well at school and getting the tv when we did, and not sooner was probably a part of this, after many discussions, we have decided that she can have one in her last year of primary school, 10, if she asks for it, i would honestly say i would be so gutted if he was to go out and buy one for her sooner, it would undermine me as a parent and our whole relationship.....there will be sooooo many issues to make decisions over in the next 18 years, so get the process right from the start.

    hopefully he will see how much it means to you and you will enjoy the scan together.
     
  19. mummy2anangel

    mummy2anangel Well-Known Member

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    oh dear id be upset aswell, i think you should stick to your guns though and tell him you're finding out whether he wants to or not. my OH wasnt keen on finding out but i booked a gender scan anyway and now hes really exzcited for saturday :haha: hope he comes round xx
     
  20. hellywelly

    hellywelly Mummy to Harry

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    hello, me and hubby was in same situation but the other way around, thankfully an episode at the hospital made our minds up. I have always said I don't want to find out where as hubby wants to know. We said that at the 20 week scan if hubby still wants to know then he can ask the sonographer without me knowing - although i wasn't keen on the idea - because I know that the next four months there would be a slip up in conversation and the cat would be out of the bag but this is what we agreed to (but both were not happy about it). Anyways we had a scan at 16 weeks and was in the waiting area. This family of about 20 people came out of one room - all got on their phones and said yeah its a boy - we can see its prick and balls and everything 100% guarantee ... They walked out and everyone looked at one another thinking really they should have left their news till they got outside the hospital as there are blatent signs everywhere saying 'switch your phones off' and also lets be fair we are in a scanning department where some people may not get good news. But going back to the gender issue - my hubby looked at me and said so that would be it after this family came out - if he wanted to find out I said yes - I said don't you want it to be a surprise, he smiled and said I totally agree, so for us we are both in agreeance that we are going to wait. BUT this is my/our opinion to do this - but I think the point of the matter is that you and your hubby should both agree to either find out or not find out so you can continue a happy pregnancy. I do appreciate that there are lots of people wanting to find out and for them good luck but there are some people (maybe its my age (am old lol)) who would prefer it to be a surprise (I might just need that extra push at the end wanting to know what it is)!. xxxxx
     

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