Difference in ability causing issues between LO's

[Eleanor ace]

Sorry if this is long, I would really really appreciate any tips/advice

My two older children are very different in ability (when it comes to school) and it is causing issues between them . DS (6.5) is in year 2. He has learning difficulties, he has a fair amount of intervention at school and works very hard. He isn't at the same level as his peers but he has always made progress at his own pace. DD (just turned 5) is in Reception. She is on the G&T register, she finds school easy across the board and is also very motivated. Both LO's go into year 1 for a reading/writing group, so DD is going up and DS is going down. DS never thought about why he had 1:1 or went into intervention groups, but now that DD is there he's put 2+2 together and feels embarrassed . Since DD started Reception in September we've had several instances like this which have upset DS and made him lash out verbally at DD. His go-to response now is to say "that's not good" "that's not even hard at all" etc when she does something or someone praises her.

Yesterday we were talking about names. I asked DS what his full name is, he couldn't remember his middle names (it's something we've been practising since he was little but he struggles to remember). DD was drawing and she heard us talking and wrote DS's names down and brought it up to him all pleased, trying to help him remember. DS was SO mad, he ripped it up and shouted that he hates DD .

They used to be so close and they still are at times but more and more DS is mean to DD and although I understand how frustrating this is for him I feel so bad for DD who doesn't understand why her brother doesn't seem to like her . DS goes to a group at school which helps with confidence and self-esteem and the school really build him up, as we do.
We give DS opportunities to do lots of different things that he can shine in and enjoy without pressure, we do their reading separately and make sure DD is occupied while DS does his homework so she isn't helping. I would love some tips from other parents who've been in this situation and ways to help siblings navigate this (I imagine it's not going to change any time soon) and stay friends.

 

[Wobbles]

I always feel my Caitlin... she's the eldest (14 months between them) and Megan does unfortunately seems to perfect everything she tries where as Caitlin can be more clumsy, unmotivated, doesn't have good balance and co-ordination etc so if it be patience for drawing or gymnastics we get this.

It really upset Caitlin and at one point and she would get really angry then upset.

Problem is I found Megan started realising this and she would go out of her way to show she is better and it may sound wrong but I had to tell her to stop.

Couple of years later they handle it much better. I found their own individual interests. Megan loves the gym, Caitlin like the keyboard (so got her one).

I just had to talk to each one and talk/walk them through either confidence or letting Megan know how Caitlin feels and when Megan has tried to help I've tried letting Caitlin know that's all she was trying to do and remind them they are close in age ... we have our strengths and weakness' etc etc

Hard though isn't it

 

[BunnyN]

I am dislexic and had some difficulties in school, although there were also things I was good at. I am thankful to my mum for helping me have a good attitude about it. I think it was especially important for me to acknowledge the problem. It wasn't because I was stupid or lazy, I had dislexia and that made it harder for me to do some things than others my age. My mum always talked about the things I was good at too.

Of course my situation isn't the same because it didn't involve siblings close in age (although there were a couple things my sister who was 6 years younger was better at, lol). I would say to keep repeating to them both that everyone has things they are especially good at and things that are harder. I think it's okay to acknowledge the things that your DD is good at but try and balance that with talking about things DS is better at. Empathise with DS, saying it's really hard when some finds something easier than you do but that's okay it just means you have to work harder. You seem to be doing well with them so if you carry on doing your best I think once things settle down it should be easier.

 

[Eleanor ace]

I always feel my Caitlin... she's the eldest (14 months between them) and Megan does unfortunately seems to perfect everything she tries where as Caitlin can be more clumsy, unmotivated, doesn't have good balance and co-ordination etc so if it be patience for drawing or gymnastics we get this.

It really upset Caitlin and at one point and she would get really angry then upset.

Problem is I found Megan started realising this and she would go out of her way to show she is better and it may sound wrong but I had to tell her to stop.

Couple of years later they handle it much better. I found their own individual interests. Megan loves the gym, Caitlin like the keyboard (so got her one).

I just had to talk to each one and talk/walk them through either confidence or letting Megan know how Caitlin feels and when Megan has tried to help I've tried letting Caitlin know that's all she was trying to do and remind them they are close in age ... we have our strengths and weakness' etc etc

Hard though isn't it

So hard! How old were your girls when you found it got better? It's so great that they've got their own strengths and you celebrate those. I bet they really appreciate it!

I am dislexic and had some difficulties in school, although there were also things I was good at. I am thankful to my mum for helping me have a good attitude about it. I think it was especially important for me to acknowledge the problem. It wasn't because I was stupid or lazy, I had dislexia and that made it harder for me to do some things than others my age. My mum always talked about the things I was good at too.

Of course my situation isn't the same because it didn't involve siblings close in age (although there were a couple things my sister who was 6 years younger was better at, lol). I would say to keep repeating to them both that everyone has things they are especially good at and things that are harder. I think it's okay to acknowledge the things that your DD is good at but try and balance that with talking about things DS is better at. Empathise with DS, saying it's really hard when some finds something easier than you do but that's okay it just means you have to work harder. You seem to be doing well with them so if you carry on doing your best I think once things settle down it should be easier.

I was the same, I'm dyslexic and dyspraxic, not naturally sporty (or particularly good at anything, sob!) and my brother was brilliant at everything, I swear. Academically, sports, music, languages. Moved ahead in school, gifted and talented across the board. I found it hard sometimes but he was older and he went to a different school so it didn't affect me as much, I expected to be behind him because I was younger and I didn't have teachers comparing me to him. DD1 being younger than DS adds a more difficult level. Thanks for your advice

 

[BunnyN]

Yeh i can see how the situation makes it doubly difficult. Maybe it would help him for you to talk about having found some stuff hard? I it settles down with time.

 

[SarahBear]

So, he knows he has trouble learning and that it's easier for his sister. He feels embarrassed about this. How do you talk to him about it? You say you and the school "build him up." What kinds of things do you say to him? Are you familiar with the concept of a growth mindset verses a fixed mindset?

 

[Eleanor ace]

So, he knows he has trouble learning and that it's easier for his sister. He feels embarrassed about this. How do you talk to him about it? You say you and the school "build him up." What kinds of things do you say to him? Are you familiar with the concept of a growth mindset verses a fixed mindset?

He kind of knows, but he doesn't understand his SEN or really think about it much. It's only really been since his sister started at school and they've been together for stuff there that its become apparent to him. He works very hard and always plugs away at stuff (he goes to a group at school which works on growth mindset so it's been instilled in him since he was little) and so far we don't have an issue with him not trying because he thinks he'll fail.
We use a lot of praise, praising him for the achievements he makes even if they seem small in comparison to his peers. Things like "wow, see how your handwriting has improved since Christmas? You've worked so hard", "I love spending time with you, you're such a kind boy", "your ideas are great, I like the way you think. We can work together to work out how to make your idea happen". Frequently reminding him that he is making progress and to look at his own trajectory, not compare himself to others. We value a lot of different things other than just academic ability and the children know this. Increasingly though they compare themselves to others and school is a big part of their life.

 

[MissWaiting]

It's worth talking to school hun and seeing what can be done. I was the worse with dyslexia out the two of us (I'm a twin) and I had to have alot of intervention with my education mum luckily was in my corner for all of it but it did out pressure on mine and my sister's relationship but mum would make sure I wasn't left out. So when I was in high school the first lot of Harry potter came out my reading age was far to low to be able to read the books. My nan got them for us and I think my sister read them but mum took me to watch the films as they came out so I wasn't left out to much so she always tried to find ways that we were both in the loop but could reduce the conflict if any came up as I went into high school at 12 with the reading age if a 6 year old my sister wasn't behind on that though but mum also tried to get it so we didn't share classes once we hit high school which helped but once we were in the last 2 years we had 2 classes together one we were both on an even line but one I was actually the better at so that caused some issues but I guess mum was lucky we were the same age do my sister could understand I struggled in so many subjects so it was only fair that I got praise for this one when she was getting higher grades in every other subject. To be fair to my sister though she was great specially when it came to getting our exam results at the end of our high school years as we both congratulated each other on how well each of us had done.
I was pulled out of class alot in primary school to have different lessons so i would sit out the way and lern to read a clock and things like that while my sister got to do everything else and I know at times I did throw a little fit to my mum saying it wasn't fair she got to do it and I didn't but mum always had such a great way of telling me that that is what I needed to do to be able to do the other things because I have dyslexcia ( totally still not sure if I spell that right to this day).

 

[SarahBear]

So, he knows he has trouble learning and that it's easier for his sister. He feels embarrassed about this. How do you talk to him about it? You say you and the school "build him up." What kinds of things do you say to him? Are you familiar with the concept of a growth mindset verses a fixed mindset?

He kind of knows, but he doesn't understand his SEN or really think about it much. It's only really been since his sister started at school and they've been together for stuff there that its become apparent to him. He works very hard and always plugs away at stuff (he goes to a group at school which works on growth mindset so it's been instilled in him since he was little) and so far we don't have an issue with him not trying because he thinks he'll fail.
We use a lot of praise, praising him for the achievements he makes even if they seem small in comparison to his peers. Things like "wow, see how your handwriting has improved since Christmas? You've worked so hard", "I love spending time with you, you're such a kind boy", "your ideas are great, I like the way you think. We can work together to work out how to make your idea happen". Frequently reminding him that he is making progress and to look at his own trajectory, not compare himself to others. We value a lot of different things other than just academic ability and the children know this. Increasingly though they compare themselves to others and school is a big part of their life.

It sounds like you're on the right track in supporting him, then. It doesn't mean it will be easy for him, but hopefully with your support, he'll end in a good place

 

[minties]

We have very similar issues. Tha has ASD and ADHD (no intellectual disabilities but doesn't enjoy school work). Sophie has just started school in Feb and loves it, she sales through it all and does very well. She got two certificates very quickly for her efforts and they do sticker charts at this school, she filled her chart before anyone else in class and she's just loving school.

What I did was approach my sons teacher, and got her to get him a certificate in the last assembly. I know it seems silly to reward kids for "nothing", but he really does find school very difficult and he has been trying very hard.

It did help his confidence a little and he's not as jealous and angry with Sophie now.

 

[Foogirl]

Might be worth checking with the school - it’s not uncommon for teachers to make comparisons with siblings and maybe he’s been told once or twice “your sister is doing so well.....”. It could be an isolated incident, by one member of staff, but that can be enough to hurt him.