Difficult Family

[sweetysangel8]

Kind of a rant but would really like some feedback. A bit of background first. We don't really speak to or get along with DHs brother and his wife. Basically it's more so just tolerating each other during family events. We never talk outside of family dinners. Even then if DH tries to contact his brother, his brother will never call back.

For our birth announcement, we told our parents and grandparents in person and then posted a mass announcement on Facebook. DHs father didn't keep his mouth shut and told DHs brother before we did the mass announcement. His wife the piece of work she is decided to chew us out during thanksgiving because we didn't directly tell them and they had to hear it thru the grapevine. We didn't tell many people directly and based on how they treat us, why on earth does she feel so entitled? DHs brother hates kids and seemed almost disgusted when we said he would be an uncle. So it seems to be only her that was mad. She's the type that always has to have the attention on her and usually only snarky and fake comments come out of her mouth.

But naturally, this is making me rethink how i want to do everything else (the gender reveal, the baby shower, the birth). Originally we were going to announce stuff in the same manner and do a coed shower. Now I feel like I only want to keep the gender a secret and do a girls only shower since I know his wife won't come then. I do not want her to be around the baby and DH agrees. She will only see the baby during family events which is just about 6 times a year. So if she expects we need to extend her open arms just because she will be the baby's aunt she is sadly mistaken. If you don't treat us with respect why on earth would you think we need to respect you? Yes DHs father wasn't suppose to spill the beans but to actually chew us out because you believe you should of found out differently? No one else was butt hurt over the way we announced. If they were actually involoved in our lives then it would of been a different story but they are not.

 

[BB1982]

Try not to let her horrible reaction get you down, by the sounds of it like you say she is trying to make you feel bad as you have such exciting news. Maybe she's bitter because she's very jealous, if you brother in law hates kids that much I expect he's against having any of his own. You're creating a life and that is so wonderful but can bring out some nasty reactions in jealous people. If she behaves the way you've said I'd not want her anywhere near my baby. I do t know what to suggest about the other announcements, if it was me she'd been rude to I'd be making it very obvious that I was just not inviting her!! Lol. But I understand that family politics can make that hard in other families. X

 

[Weebles]

Hmm.. I've been upset before about the "order" in which I found out someone was pregnant. I didn't say anything about it but my feelings were hurt. Now though, I totally understand how it happens and it's not personal at all. Announcing a pregnancy isn't a "one and done" kind of thing, it's a process! Hopefully your SIL will begin to understand that it is not a slight and realizes that it is impossible to deliver the news at the same time to everyone. I think however YOU want to announce the gender and do YOUR shower is up to YOU. This is your pregnancy after all. But I also think it might be worth talking to your SIL about this and assuring her that it wasn't personal, it was just the least stressful way for you to announce if for no other reason than to make family gatherings a little more smooth in the future.

 

[DobbyForever]

I think you should what is best for you. There's nothing that says you have to invite her anywhere especially if she treats you poorly AND if you don't want her to have a relationship with your child.

However, do you really want that? I don't know how many other aunts and uncles baby will have, but it sounds to me like she is hurt. Whether you think it is valid/an overreaction, she's hurt. And maybe it does extend beyond being self centered. I was hurt when my brother got into UCB and didn't tell me, I heard it from my overly excited mother. If you want to patch things up, invite her to lunch just the two of you and be the bigger person. Be open to her feelings but firm with your boundaries/expectations with what you want and deserve.

Even if you don't want to work it out, think about how she will react when there isn't a shower invite and keep in mind this isn't just affecting you and DH. It affects the whole family. Because you know family fights don't stay between two people, they go to their parents or to their other relatives and people gossip, argue, and take sides.

Idk again it's your family and I don't know the whole story, but I would seize the opportunity to try to fix what needs fixing before baby comes. And if it can't be fix, pull an old school Snoop and drop it like it's hot

 

[MemphisBelle]

We cut toxic family members from our lives, and that includes my MIL, SIL and BIL. They live about 25 miles away, yet we never see them-by choice. It makes life much sunnier. I can love them and yet not have them in our lives.

 

[Betty.Rubble]

My ex's SIL used to make my life a living hell and told me to abort DD so I know all about toxic relatives! I would just ignore it. If you don't see them day to day there's not much point making an effort. If they want to get involved with baby then they are adults and can contact you. Don't let them stress you out x

 

[Wish85]

She sounds like a very unhappy person, and people like that try to bring others around them into the same mind frame. Don't take it personally and just continue focusing on yourself and your little family. It wouldn't have mattered how you announced it, she would have found something to complain about because it's all about her, apparently.

 

[Laurenmomma]

Honestly people like this are not worth your stress! I have always had this with dhs family to the point now we don't talk at all. I was 21 weeks pregnant and had only just told my mum and the baby died in July this year, I then had all his family gossiping around trying to fun out what happened or why I got flowers delivered or why I was off work, yet not one of them text or came round to see how we were coping! Since then it's been all of our birthdays and we didn't even get cards, not even the kids! So now I bother with people I genuinely care about, I have my kids and my pregnancy to focus on. I don't need others to pass judgement!

 

[Wish85]

Honestly people like this are not worth your stress! I have always had this with dhs family to the point now we don't talk at all. I was 21 weeks pregnant and had only just told my mum and the baby died in July this year, I then had all his family gossiping around trying to fun out what happened or why I got flowers delivered or why I was off work, yet not one of them text or came round to see how we were coping! Since then it's been all of our birthdays and we didn't even get cards, not even the kids! So now I bother with people I genuinely care about, I have my kids and my pregnancy to focus on. I don't need others to pass judgement!

That's horrible Lauren. Sorry for your loss. You learn who your true family are in your darkest hours and sometimes they are not blood. All the best with your pregnancy x

 

[sweetysangel8]

Thanks ladies. I've been putting up with them for years. But now that there is a child involved I definitely feel more protective.

 

[Wish85]

Thanks ladies. I've been putting up with them for years. But now that there is a child involved I definitely feel more protective.

Just do you Sweety and don't let anyone else affect your happiness. Life is too short xx

 

[adrie]

July of this year we made an impromptu pregnancy announcement when I was 7-8 weeks as we attended a BBQ for Canada Day at my Moms and there was a lot of my family present.

My mom was drunk before dinner and then looked almost disgusted when she found out I was pregnant. That is the best way I can describe the look on her face as she asked "You're pregnant...?" She then told me later on in front of everyone that she "was mad at me..." I guess for telling everyone rather than her first so she could then be the go between like usual and be the one to tell everyone else. I've noticed a lot about my mom and I think having had a child of my own, I fully realize how little benefit someone like herself even has in my child's life now (3 year old daughter). She thrives on gossip and conflict. It's pretty much all she talks about. She's not angry or disgusted I am pregnant; she is pissed off because she was not the one to tell everyone she could before they found out at the BBQ. Typical narc.

I've since went low-contact with her as I believe she is in fact, a drunk narcissist. I was 35 years old that summer and my "mom was mad at me" (boo hoo). Meanwhile the situation had literally nothing to do with her, and yet, she made it so. Also typical narc behaviour. Suffice it to say, she will hear about the birth same time as everyone else; I literally have not talked to her on the phone in 6mo. I found out a week after the gender scan that she already informed my aunt that the baby was a boy even though she had no way to know that, but because a boy is HER preference. I was hanging out with my cousin at the time, who naturally assumed I had revealed the gender for my mom to know. Nope. I am in fact carrying a boy but I would be lying if I said I wouldn't have reveled in having another girl just because.

I don't want my child exposed to her drunk stupid toddler behaviour anymore than necessary. And to be honest, if we do see each other again, I will not be around nor have my family around her if she is drinking whatsoever.

 

[Wish85]

July of this year we made an impromptu pregnancy announcement when I was 7-8 weeks as we attended a BBQ for Canada Day at my Moms and there was a lot of my family present.

My mom was drunk before dinner and then looked almost disgusted when she found out I was pregnant. That is the best way I can describe the look on her face as she asked "You're pregnant...?" She then told me later on in front of everyone that she "was mad at me..." I guess for telling everyone rather than her first so she could then be the go between like usual and be the one to tell everyone else. I've noticed a lot about my mom and I think having had a child of my own, I fully realize how little benefit someone like herself even has in my child's life now (3 year old daughter). She thrives on gossip and conflict. It's pretty much all she talks about. She's not angry or disgusted I am pregnant; she is pissed off because she was not the one to tell everyone she could before they found out at the BBQ. Typical narc.

I've since went low-contact with her as I believe she is in fact, a drunk narcissist. I was 35 years old that summer and my "mom was mad at me" (boo hoo). Meanwhile the situation had literally nothing to do with her, and yet, she made it so. Also typical narc behaviour. Suffice it to say, she will hear about the birth same time as everyone else; I literally have not talked to her on the phone in 6mo. I found out a week after the gender scan that she already informed my aunt that the baby was a boy even though she had no way to know that, but because a boy is HER preference. I was hanging out with my cousin at the time, who naturally assumed I had revealed the gender for my mom to know. Nope. I am in fact carrying a boy but I would be lying if I said I wouldn't have reveled in having another girl just because.

I don't want my child exposed to her drunk stupid toddler behaviour anymore than necessary. And to be honest, if we do see each other again, I will not be around nor have my family around her if she is drinking whatsoever.

I think your diagnosis of alcoholic narcissist is spot on. You however sound very mentally stable, from what I can tell anyway Stand your ground. You don't need toxic people in your life and neither do your children!

 

[DobbyForever]

I think a lot of families break up though because people say mad when they mean hurt. I love when people share things with me first. It demonstrates our deep bond and trust and safety. The reality is if you aren't telling that person first, it highlights a deeper issue in the relationship. I didn't tell my mom I was pregnant first because her reactions to my previous pregnancies were valid but heartbreaking, and I didn't trust her to just be happy for me without laying a framework. And when people are confronted with that reality, it hurts and the first stage of grief is anger. As for bringing it up in front of people, it was at her house and you said it was mostly family. I can understand preferring a private conversation, but she may not have thought it out of place because family is family.

HOWEVER if her drinking makes you uncomfortable in any way, by all means do not expose your child to it if you don't think that is safe. I love that you are going to have clear, unyielding boundaries there. Kids pick up on that.

Do you know why your mom drinks? It's not your job to fix her problems, but alcoholism is treatable. I know firsthand and secondhand. So hoping she can pull it together so you all can have a positive relationship