distressed over hitting

[swood9]

Hi all, I haven't posted here in a while but I am at a bit of a loss. About a month ago, dh and I took 16 month old ds to the childrens museum. We spend a lot of time there. Another baby hit ds. Didn't hurt him by any means, but it upset him none the less. Since that day, ds hits. He does it for fun and to be playful sometimes, but mostly he will do it out of frustration or to try and get what he wants. Sometimes he hurts us! He will hit Dh's glasses off of his face, or wack us with toys, whatever. He will also bite down on his pacifier really hard when he is frustrated, like he is girtting his teeth. Of course this intensifies when he is tired or over tired, and we understand that. We try telling him no but it just turns into a game/power struggle and has the opposite affect. We have also tried the "crying, act hurt" deal with minimal success. With me he feels badly and he walks away from me, but DH's fake cry is so silly that he just laughs, lol. Ignoring doesn't work either.

Anyway, please let me know what success you have had with hitting issues. He doesn't fully understand the concept of "hurting" us, and I hope that we don't jsut have to wait it out. I have to figure out a way to stop giving this more power

 

[noon_child]

I say very firmly at LO's level "I know you want X but we DO NOT bite. It hurts Mummy/Daddy". If LO continues to do it or laughs I leave the room/remove myself for a short period. Most children find parental absence unpleasant and it is a fairly "natural" consequence in that if you bit someone in the 'real' world they would not want to be your friend and would run away probably!

At the same time I introduce positive ways that LO can get what she wants (sometimes/when reasonable) e.g "If you help to tidy you can have an episode of Peppa Pig" or whatever it is she wants...

 

[swood9]

I say very firmly at LO's level "I know you want X but we DO NOT bite. It hurts Mummy/Daddy". If LO continues to do it or laughs I leave the room/remove myself for a short period. Most children find parental absence unpleasant and it is a fairly "natural" consequence in that if you bit someone in the 'real' world they would not want to be your friend and would run away probably!

At the same time I introduce positive ways that LO can get what she wants (sometimes/when reasonable) e.g "If you help to tidy you can have an episode of Peppa Pig" or whatever it is she wants...

Thanks, have you seen an improvement?

 

[noon_child]

When she was your LO's age it wasn't lasting learning - she'd be nice for a bit, then get overwhelmed by her emotions. But I think that is normal - nothing much is a quick fix at that age, just starting down the road towards consistent boudaries and discipline, praise/reward etc.

LO sulks now (which is very like me and DH) instead of lashing out cos she knows she wont get anywhere by hitting, but she still doesn't know what to do with the negative emotions associated with not getting what you want (which is also like me and DH) - so if anyone can help with that side of things it'd be great. I don't know what to do with my anger/resentment/disappointment - how am I supposed to teach LO?

 

[Dream.dream]

I say very firmly at LO's level "I know you want X but we DO NOT bite. It hurts Mummy/Daddy". If LO continues to do it or laughs I leave the room/remove myself for a short period. Most children find parental absence unpleasant and it is a fairly "natural" consequence in that if you bit someone in the 'real' world they would not want to be your friend and would run away probably!

At the same time I introduce positive ways that LO can get what she wants (sometimes/when reasonable) e.g "If you help to tidy you can have an episode of Peppa Pig" or whatever it is she wants...

We have done the same thing, I get down on his level and say that kind of behavior is not allowed in out house, give the reason . If it happens again or he laughs I'll walk away , if he follows I'll go somewhere he can't like the bathroom with the door locked

It works really well as your addressing the bad behavior, but not giving a lot of attention for it by getting upset or handing down a punishment

 

[Louise88]

Stalking this thread! My dd is turning very aggressive towards me, she hits me and throws toys and everything at me she's also started biting and just the other day she bit my leg and I automatically kicked my leg up and she went on the floor, I didn't hurt her by the way but I still felt awful!

When she hurts me I do get down to her level make eye contact, serious face and tell her she can't do that, and that she is hurting mummy. She starts laughing her head of though! It's all a game to her its frustrating!

Thanks for the pp's who have suggested walking out the room I am going to try that come tomorrow

 

[lau86]

My LO has also started to hit, sometimes out of over excitement, sometimes frustration. If I am holding him and he hits me I put him down. Then I get down to his level and say please don't hit me that's not nice in a serious voice (which can be hard as he will start shouting sowwy in a little sing song voice). We have also started using a naughty step for the worst occasions.
I'm hoping it will be something he grows out of. I don't really know how else to deal with it. He knows its wrong and that we are not impressed but he's not stopped doing it....

Eta I also do what some of the pp do and walk away from LO/ ignore him for a minute.

 

[peanutty81]

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1575423081

This book worked wonders for us for redirecting our little ones behaviour. A good bit of redirection - we sat down and went through the book then the next time dd went to hit we stopped her and asked what are hands for and went through the options - waving, clapping, hugging.... She was only about 15 months when we got it worked instantly. Every now and then we've revisited it.

Good luck

 

[Duejan2012]

great advice ladies!! Jonathan has just started hitting too so i will try the walking away. Plus ill be stalking x

 

[swood9]

Thanks for all the advice. I think we just have to pick how we react and stay consistent. It's just so shocking bc dh and I are both so calm with him and obv would never hit him, so it makes me nervous that what he's doing isn't normal. Glad to know it's normal and that it won't last forever. I know it must be hard because he understands so much but can communicate so little. He can sign eat, milk, more, juice and water but it's not like he can say Mommy, I want X or I'm tired so that must be so frustrating for him.

 

[MrsLMC]

When my son thumps me I will grab his hand gently but firm and say "Jacob, mummy likes nice touches" I then stroke his arm and say ahhhhhhhh.

He started hitting at 12 months and it's gradually stopped (17 months now), and if I'm laying on the sofa he'll sit next to me stroke my hair.

Xx

 

[April76]

Harley has just began to hit out in frustration too. He usually hits out when he wants something he isnt allowed. We tell him that its not nice to hit and it hurts mummy/daddy. He then go's into full temper tantrum mode so we just let him lie on the floor in a safe part of the room and just let him get on with it. Glad im not the only one going through this!

 

[Louise88]

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1575423081

This book worked wonders for us for redirecting our little ones behaviour. A good bit of redirection - we sat down and went through the book then the next time dd went to hit we stopped her and asked what are hands for and went through the options - waving, clapping, hugging.... She was only about 15 months when we got it worked instantly. Every now and then we've revisited it.

Good luck

I want to add this technique is brilliant, I started doing this with my daughter yesterday and haven't been hit or bit in 2 days because when she goes to try I'm redirecting her and telling her what her hands or mouth is for I'm going to order this book so I can read properly into it I chose this route over the walking away because my daughter doesn't seem to care if I walk away she just toddles on and does something else lol

 

[Dragonfly]

https://www.littleheartsbooks.com/2012/06/19/when-children-hit10-tips-for-parents/

 

[MiniKiwi]

My little girl hits my face when she gets frustrated (and sometimes just for a laugh!) I loudly say ''OUCH! We don't hit eachother, it hurts!''

Tbh, I haven't noticed an improvement but I think it's just a phase that most of them go through. I try not to walk away from her when she's feeling full of emotions that she doesn't yet know how to control. When she gets angry, frustrated etc I just talk to her and distract her.

 

[noon_child]

I try not to walk away from her when she's feeling full of emotions that she doesn't yet know how to control. When she gets angry, frustrated etc I just talk to her and distract her.

T agree not to do this as the first resort but I do it if LO is continuing to hit me and laughing while doing it (so she's not overwhelmingly frustrated just pushing her luck) even after being asked/told to stop.

 

[Piper84]

Some great ideas in this thread.

LO started hitting when he was about 15 months and is now 27 months. I managed to get him to stop for long periods by putting him in his cot or his high chair. Now I do the walking away thing and have shouted a few times and held his wrists in place when I've lost it. None of that is good, nor does it work. We've been inconsistent.

The problem is DH refuses to be consistent with LO too and even wrestles with him sometimes if he gets hit, which sends out the wrong message.

I think we'll start the "hands are for other things" method. That sounds really positive! I'll have to get DH on board too.

 

[vtjess423]

I wish I had some helpful advice as my son is still going through this phase and I'm at my wits end with him. A few months ago he was hitting his friends at day care. We tried everything to get him to stop. I even bought the book "Hands are not for hitting" which someone else posted. And we began to reward him for behaving. And for a while it seemed to work. He was doing really well at daycare and we didn't get any bad behavior reports. Then this week things started to go down hill. He got in trouble for scratching a little girls face at day care on Tuesday and my husband got a call from the teacher at work. I was hoping it was a one time relapse but then today it was even worse. He got in trouble numerous times today for not listening to his teachers, and hitting and scratching other kids. So it looks like we are back to square one. We are going to try to reiterate what we worked with him before and see if it sticks this time. I will be stalking this thread to see if anyone else shares other ideas. I'm just so terrified that they will kick my son out of day care and I don't know what we'll do then. He's such a sweet boy normally so I just don't understand where this behavior is coming from. I really hope it's just a phase he grows out of. Good Luck to you all!

 

[jandksmommy]

Stalking this thread... my 21 month old twins are starting to fight constantly, hitting, pushing each other and now the less dominate twin is starting to bite in self-defense. I'm wondering if I should start taking which ever twin didn't start the fight from the room and leave the other all by herself...