Does anyone wonder.....

[CareBear]

....if they'll ever know what it feels like to have a bump and go through labour? I try and imagine how I'll feel and I used to be able to see a mental picture of getting a and having a bump, so therefore I always believed it would happen, and lately this image has faded in my mind.

Sorry for the miserable post, I haven't been TTCing as long as other people, only 18 months but I am finding this the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I have wanted a baby for last 6/7 years but we decided to be sensible and wait until we were in a financial position we were happy with and for me to be happy and healthy in my life. I have suffered from ME/CFS in the past and over the last couple of years have been able to feel that I have got over it and I no longer suffer. So pretty much as soon as I felt healthier we planned when we would start trying and starting trying earlier as things felt so right! I also wanted to feel that I had achieved something for myself in my career before we started trying as I hadn't felt proud of myself for a while and wanted to feel this for myself.

I think one of the reason's I'm also finding this hard is because every single person I mentioned to that we were going to be TTC soon said oh you'll fall straight away and this got me convinced I would, so much so that I was hoping it would take a couple of months cause I didn't want it to be too easy I should have known better!!

When I found out that I didn't ovulate I did a lot of reading and heard about clomid and thought that would be the solution to my problems. I'm now in a position that I have done 4 months of clomid and HCG jabs and am on the waiting list for a lap and we're then looking at IUI. Thing is I don't know if I can do it anymore. IUI is that last treatment resort for us as I won't do IVF as the combination of injections and egg collection is too much for me and far too instrusive. Half of me thinks that maybe I should cut my losses and accept a life without children and the other half of me thinks I should at least try the IUI especially as we only get 3 goes at it.

I also always thought that adoption would be my back up plan but since starting to work in admin in this area I've realised that I couldn't go through the assessment as this is very instrusive in a different way and would make me angry which would obviously go against me in the assessment! Also my DH has never been keen on adoption.

Thanks to anyone who reads this, I'm not really looking for any responses as I know some of you will think, and completely justified, that I'm quitting too early but I just don't know if I can put myself through it, and I also know that it appears that I'm running away when things are getting tough, but I know what I can cope with (for example I can push myself through really tough accounting exams) and I don't think I can cope with this anymore especially the up and down to the hospital every cycle. I can't imagine myself getting that or having a bump anymore so maybe I should concentrate on something else.

Although with saying all that I will never stop trying I just don't know if I can carry on trying with assistance.

Sorry if this offends anyone, I hope you can understand what I'm saying, I just needed to get this off my chest.

Thanks

 

[Vestirse]

I don't think there are any right words in such a situation and there is definitely no emoticon to correctly express the sympathy and pain I feel for you and what you are going through. All I have is this and that emoticon feels so so very inadequate.

 

[maz]

I'm sorry you're feeling so low at the moment. Hopefully your lap will give some idea as to what's going on for you hun.

You said you wouldn't do IVF as the injections and egg collection would be too much for you. I hope you never need to seriously think about IVF, but please don't rule it out at this stage. It's not that invasive, and the injections aren't that difficult. I never thought I'd be able to handle the injections, as I used to faint getting blood taken, but I've done every single one of my injections myself. I had my egg collection yesterday, and I honestly can't remember a thing about it. ICSI is a bit more invasive a technique, but only in terms of fertilisation - nothing is different between IVF and ICSI in terms of the actual procedure - so the worst thing in terms of invasion is the scans, and like I said I don't remember a thing about the actual egg collection.

I haven't had IUI, but I believe in some situations, down regulating is done to suppress your natural hormone production, and then injections are taken to stimulate your ovaries instead of taking clomid. Which means that the only difference would be medication dosages and no egg collection. I hope you don't need to worry about high technology stuff, but please don't rule it out at this stage.

Good luck hun, and if you want to ask me anything about my IVF cycle, please feel free.

 

[yaya]

 

[tracybirduk]

I know what you mean about the visualising yourself with a baby feels, I cant do this now as it has become too painful...however, I recently had hypnotherapy for another reason and the lady said in order to get something, visualisation is a strong tool, so try to hang onto it hunni!

It is hard and you will get ups and downs, this time last year I was in so much pain with my endometriosis that I booked an appointment with the Gyne and asked for a hysterectomy!! And I was deadly serious. I was told it was non-specific pelvic pain, with no cure, so decided that if there was no cure, i'd rather they took it all away and i had my life back.

Now I am fully back on the TTC wagon and had the surgery i needed to be pain free but intact! The point i'm trying to make through the waffle is that you might be disheartened now, but it will ebb and flow and soon you will be strong enough to but your all back into it xxxxxx

Oh and dont beat yourself up that you can do hard exams but cant seem to do this............................All the exams in the world would never be as hard as the rollercoaster that is TTC!!

Tracy xx

 

[Nathyrra]

It's such a tough situation The emotions are so intense.

I think this is a very tough time of year when TTC. Too much stuff around us pouring salt into a wound already too big. It's hard to concentrate.

I really hope you find the strength to keep going, everyday is a new emotion and it's hard to see a day ahead..

I have such faith and admiration for you girls, your strength is so admirable. Oneday you'll have a baby that will have a wonderfully stable and thankful mother, with so much love to give. and will be the envy of all his/her friends!

Maz gave some wonderful IVF advice. It actually made me feel better today also.

Thinking of you x

 

[Coffee]

Oh CB!
I hear you! We all do. We're all gravitating towards this LTTTC forum because this just has to be one of the most difficult journeys you can ever go through, it really does and i'm sure we all feel the same: people who haven't been through it, can't possibly understand. I know i didn't understand until it happened to me - i thought i did back then, but now i realise i didn't for one minute appreciate the huge emotional rollercoaster that goes with LTTTC. So we're all clinging to this board because we all know, noone else understands it like we do.
I thought Nathyrra said something very true:-

I think this is a very tough time of year when TTC. Too much stuff around us pouring salt into a wound already too big. It's hard to concentrate.

She's so right! It is hard to concentrate. All around you at the moment all you see are reminders of what you haven't got and it hurts like hell. I wonder if once Christmas is out of the way, we all might feel a little bit more ready to fight the fight?
At the end of the day though, we've all got different "markers" for when enough is enough. Some people might only go a few months before feeling like they can't carry on living like this. Others go years. As much as we're all in the same boat on this forum, we're all very different people too and only you can know deep down if and when you can't take it any further.
I don't really know you, but all the posts you have ever written lead me to believe you are a strong woman - maybe stronger than you think? My advice would be to get through that Lap and then see how you feel once you know what news that brings? By that time, Christmas will be out of the way, we'll be in a new year, ready for a new start and you might feel very differently to how you feel at the moment?

Take care xx

 

[missmarls]

I know how you feel, hun! I never for a moment thought I would struggle but here I am...still trying. This time of year is especially hard, as DH and I thought this would be our last Christmas with just the two of us. If we haven't conceived by March, the next step is IUI but the closest clinic for that is 1&1/2 hr drive for us and I just cannot do that right now. It's funny DH and I always thought we didn't want kids, and we changed our minds when we got married. Struggling almost feels like some sort of punishment for not wanting kids for so long!
I hope things get better for you soon, and just know you have lots of support on here if you ever need to talk.

 

[Nicnac]

 

[MrsF]

Hiya hun,
i can empathise with you, completely, i too feel that i don't think could handle IVF, for pretty much the same reasons. I started on my second round of clomid at the weekend after feeling really poo toward the end of last week, but it's a struggle taking it cos i have a niggly feeling it just ain't gonna work.
You don't have to apologise for sharing your feelings, like so many of us in here, we so understand. I too think about the hardest things i've had to deal with as some kind of measure against how far i can go with this, and its our way of trying to make sense of it all.
Sending you loads of hugs mate, be easy on yourself x x x x

 

[CareBear]

Thanks all for your lovely messages of support. Realised I've been dreading christmas coming but I'm sure that will pass. Had some good news today which I'll post in another thread and DH has been great this week.

Thanks again, your support means a lot x