Doing it on our own again, sharing my thoughts & fears **update pg 4 **

[tigerlilly]

Hi ladies hope your all well?

Having a tear filled moment whilst washing up it dawned on me that 'with this baby we will be doing it on our own again'. With ds I was crippled with postnatal depression and neither my mother or mother in law came to my door (one lives 10 mins away (mil) the other 5 miles), even tho they knew!
In fact my mum regards it as a badge of honour to be brandished, that i had PND and got through it. No one knows that we're pregnant and we plan to keep it to ourselves for as long as possible.

I know that MIL has triggered something deep within me in the last few days, by telling me how depressed sil is, poor sil etc, I can't say for sure if sil is or not but she is renowned for attention seeking. Yet she's still going clothes shopping, watching her fave tv programmes, and all her social media selfies posting pics of shopping buys! all these symptoms are a first for me as with everyone I know or have known when depressed no longer takes an interest in their usual stuff or there appearance etc? Who knows maybe she's the exception to the rule and i'm wrong!!? but i digress.

Through out my life and in particular the younger years I have had mental health issues (depression) on and off and have been debilitated by it.
I've told MIL about my mental health issues, past trauma, experiences and attempted suicide ( the pain was just too much to bear this was over 20 yrs ago) she turns her head away and changes the subject and this hurts a great deal, yet shes got all the time for sil issues. I guess I must have upset the mil somewhere. SIL has never done anything to help herself and is renowned for letting mil do it for her! She used to smirk behind mils back when she would get MIL to cancel all her plans and do what sil wanted for the day, this is a great skill that sil has and she's not afraid to use it over and over again. It doesn't wash with other extended family members.

When dh and I had our first loss she (mil) did not pick up the phone or text her son once. nor has it been mentioned since, nor our other two losses, crazy. She's around the sils every week, multiple times in fact. And all we hear is "Oh poor sil " We live 6-8 minutes further away then the sil yet she'll visit ds here once every three months.

I have shared my depression experiences and traumas with MIL not to point score or see which sil had the worse life but to show MIL that with SIL no matter how bad something is NO ONE can take away your right to make a choice and not making a choice is still a choice and you have to help yourself to move forwards. Yes this takes great courage, but you can still make a choice especially if that one's supported by others.

The adult me thinks just let it go, but the inner child in me is hurting, confused and feeling abandoned. I know that this situation is triggering deep abandonment issues, as a kid I'd run home from skool every day believing my mum and family had moved and left me! crazy!
I've given everything I have to welcome sil to the family and from the off it's been thrown back in my face time and time again from sil, despite my best efforts. so now I don't bother, I am polite to her and will listen if she ever needs to talk but I can't help but feel like and this is awful I just don't care, I'm tired of all her dramas but I will remain silent and play the dutiful DIL.

MIL doesn't seem to understand that I don't really want to know about SIL and I know that so very selfish of me, but I've worked through a lot of trauma, heartache and misery in the last 5 years via therapy and I have come a long way in that time helping myself. I do not need to get back in that hole with anyone, I can offer empathy no matter who they but I don't climb in the hole with them we all know misery loves company and that holds us back.

I'm not sure the best way to go with this situation, do I just carry on and smile knowing that MIL will always be poor SIL and knowing deep in my heart that MIL will never knock at my door to hold my hand or help me in the way she helps SIL and start accepting that for MIL I am not special to her (she turned her back on me when SIL came on the scene and I became invisible about 10 ish years ago and the pain is still raw, again abandonment issues coming up and more fool me for allowing her too push me out)

How do I deal with this hurt, pain and just let it go for good Dh and I would be quite happy to walk away from them but our ds deserves a relationship with his extended family uninfluenced by us until he decides other wise, right?

I know being pregnant and emotional doesn't help the situation along my binge eating beimg triggered big time too.

dh and I have a strong, loving relationship and have been together for a while, (over 17 yrs) and we will ride this issue out and hopefully move forwards together but it the situation seems endless.

Sorry it was a long one.

Many thanks for your thoughts and insight xx

 

[Dragon_Chaser]

I didn't want to read and run. Instead I want to say you're a brave and wonderful woman and no matter what happens you can always reach out here because we have some amazing woman for you to lean on when things get tough.

I know depression and what it does to you. I won't go into my past right now, but I've been to pretty dark places before and it was hard to get out of them. Don't keep it bottled up inside. If you can't actually talk to someone, then post on here, okay Sweets?

 

[2have4kids]

You're banging your head against the wall trying to get this nag to love, empathize and support you. And it's very likely that your sil's are shopping to fill a very low self esteem designed by this woman. Give all of that up, you have to get different circles revolving around you or you'll continue this depressive cycle of negativity!

Get some liquid vit D (for depression), iron, and B12 for depression (um and baby!) they will give you energy and prevent post partum depression. Stop including this woman in your life. My mom isn't interested in my pregnancy and KNEW she had serious problems ttc since the age of 29. Did she tell me? No, she waited for me to find out on my own that she passed on serious genetic problems fo me at the age of 36 after we'd been trying for a few years unsuccessfully. Now she's declared that she'll never babysit for me, even tho she'd drive across the city to walk my sisters dog, shovel her sidewalks and help her clean her house. So I shrug and move on. I told her she doesn't have child & infant first aid and CPR so I would never allow her to babysit for me anyway. Two can play the ice queen game. It hurts, but I put that away as best I can and accept her for the half pint that she is.

It does hurt but you're focussing all of your energy on your emotional pain and not enough taking care of you. Join a group, go for a walk, get your happy vits first, and take a bubble bath. Focus all of your good energy on figuring out small ways everyday to grab each bit of happiness that you can. That includes turning off your feeds to your shop-a-holic, doted over, shallow sil. Give all that negative stuff up, it won't do you any good.
I hope you find a way to carve out a better happier path

 

[girlinyork]

I've got a mother in law who doesn't give two figs about my mental health either. I was crippled with pnd with DD and she told me I just had to get on with it like she did when she had pnd (obviously didn't have pnd if she was able to get on with it). Now I'm pregnant again and been told not to lift DD if I can help it. SIL is also preg and MIL can't do enough for her. There all the time helping out but when I asked for help she said she has SIL to look after and "well what am I supposed to do?"

My own mum lives 300 miles away so I have no support. I've stayed in York because MIL doesn't have many grandchildren. Not to mention DH is the only family who doesn't hate her after she divorced FIL. SIL is often horrid to her about it and can bully her to tears. I wonder why the hell I bother when I see the choices she makes and how she favours SIL and SIL's son and unborn child over my daughter and unborn child.

You have my sympathy

 

[bathbabe]

I have no idea what to say hun but we are all here whenever you need to laugh/cry/chat etc!
In all honesty tho, I personally would leave it upto MIL to contact you, I wouldnt cut her off completely but id just leave the ball in her court to be involved with your children. Youve done your best hun, dont stress yourself over a woman who has proven she just doesnt deserve your time xxx

 

[tigerlilly]

You're banging your head against the wall trying to get this nag to love, empathize and support you. And it's very likely that your sil's are shopping to fill a very low self esteem designed by this woman. Give all of that up, you have to get different circles revolving around you or you'll continue this depressive cycle of negativity!

Get some liquid vit D (for depression), iron, and B12 for depression (um and baby!) they will give you energy and prevent post partum depression. Stop including this woman in your life. My mom isn't interested in my pregnancy and KNEW she had serious problems ttc since the age of 29. Did she tell me? No, she waited for me to find out on my own that she passed on serious genetic problems fo me at the age of 36 after we'd been trying for a few years unsuccessfully. Now she's declared that she'll never babysit for me, even tho she'd drive across the city to walk my sisters dog, shovel her sidewalks and help her clean her house. So I shrug and move on. I told her she doesn't have child & infant first aid and CPR so I would never allow her to babysit for me anyway. Two can play the ice queen game. It hurts, but I put that away as best I can and accept her for the half pint that she is.

It does hurt but you're focussing all of your energy on your emotional pain and not enough taking care of you. Join a group, go for a walk, get your happy vits first, and take a bubble bath. Focus all of your good energy on figuring out small ways everyday to grab each bit of happiness that you can. That includes turning off your feeds to your shop-a-holic, doted over, shallow sil. Give all that negative stuff up, it won't do you any good.
I hope you find a way to carve out a better happier path

Thank you I do take vit b12 a 1000mg, vit d and a multi vit and ur right they do help. When they pissed me off i'd train hard at the gym but being prego i have to be cautious. My mum drove me crazy in my last pregnancy telling me how she knows theres something wrong with the baby about 50 times a day, there wasn't! total madness.

 

[tigerlilly]

I've got a mother in law who doesn't give two figs about my mental health either. I was crippled with pnd with DD and she told me I just had to get on with it like she did when she had pnd (obviously didn't have pnd if she was able to get on with it). Now I'm pregnant again and been told not to lift DD if I can help it. SIL is also preg and MIL can't do enough for her. There all the time helping out but when I asked for help she said she has SIL to look after and "well what am I supposed to do?"

My own mum lives 300 miles away so I have no support. I've stayed in York because MIL doesn't have many grandchildren. Not to mention DH is the only family who doesn't hate her after she divorced FIL. SIL is often horrid to her about it and can bully her to tears. I wonder why the hell I bother when I see the choices she makes and how she favours SIL and SIL's son and unborn child over my daughter and unborn child.

You have my sympathy

it so hard isn't it? and such a tough experience for ur mil. It's a tough place to be x

 

[tigerlilly]

I have no idea what to say hun but we are all here whenever you need to laugh/cry/chat etc!
In all honesty tho, I personally would leave it upto MIL to contact you, I wouldnt cut her off completely but id just leave the ball in her court to be involved with your children. Youve done your best hun, dont stress yourself over a woman who has proven she just doesnt deserve your time xxx

 

[tallybee]

I also understand depression too well, and had very little to no support with my older children when they were tiny. My mum died before they were born and it really hurt that she couldn't be there.

I agree that you are strong and there are always ladies here who can listen. Myself included xx

 

[jlw617]

I'm sorry you're going through this, I've had to learn that there are certain people in my life that I'd love if they were more involved and supportive but the best "therapy" for me is to just realize that they are who they are and it will never change, this has really helped me because I can still love that person but I've also detached any expectations for them in my life. It does still hurt on occasion but over time, it has proven to cause so much less heartache for me- also I find a lot of strength in God and my church family, my husband was in the army until just about a year and a half ago and so from the time my 1st was just a few months old, we have always lived thousands of miles away from our family so our church family has really helped to fill the void.

 

[tigerlilly]

Thank you all for your insight and support xx I think right now I need to focus on my own little family. I have thought about challenging MIL but I don't think I'll achieve anything by it other than an argument! I don't think it would bring the closure i desire.

 

[jlw617]

Thank you all for your insight and support xx I think right now I need to focus on my own little family. I have thought about challenging MIL but I don't think I'll achieve anything by it other than an argument! I don't think it would bring the closure i desire.

I think that is a very good choice! I hope focusing on your family helps you!

 

[oneill614]

She may be your family, but you still choose who to associate with. As you were saying, you have to make choices to help yourself move forward in life. If your MIL is holding you back, which is sounds like she is, then I think you should look at choosing to not associate with her. I'm not saying you have to cut her off completely, but just stop calling and texting, make some excuses for why it's not a good time to visit, etc. You may find that your stress over the situation goes down. If your SIL's posts on social media are aggravating you, then block her or "unfollow" her. I deleted snapchat and unfollowed quite a few people on facebook which was a great decision.

If you know that support from your MIL is not an option, then it will be easier to do it on your own as you say. If she were not alive, you would have to do it on your own. And if she just holds you back and makes you feel worse, then what is the sense in worrying about her? I think that you have a need to be accepted and comforted by her, but you need to realize that it probably just isn't an option. She's not capable of being a loving and caring person who will support you, so focus on the people in your life who do support you.

 

[lomelindi17]

Thank you all for your insight and support xx I think right now I need to focus on my own little family. I have thought about challenging MIL but I don't think I'll achieve anything by it other than an argument! I don't think it would bring the closure i desire.

Yep, people like that don't change. Best to just rise above their drama. They probably give you the cold shoulder on purpose to make themselves feel better, very selfish. They are energy suckers. The best defense is to just ignore them and find your own tribe of loving, supportive, respectful, real, reliable people who you can actually have a fulfilling two-way relationship with.

 

[2have4kids]

You're banging your head against the wall trying to get this nag to love, empathize and support you. And it's very likely that your sil's are shopping to fill a very low self esteem designed by this woman. Give all of that up, you have to get different circles revolving around you or you'll continue this depressive cycle of negativity!

Get some liquid vit D (for depression), iron, and B12 for depression (um and baby!) they will give you energy and prevent post partum depression. Stop including this woman in your life. My mom isn't interested in my pregnancy and KNEW she had serious problems ttc since the age of 29. Did she tell me? No, she waited for me to find out on my own that she passed on serious genetic problems fo me at the age of 36 after we'd been trying for a few years unsuccessfully. Now she's declared that she'll never babysit for me, even tho she'd drive across the city to walk my sisters dog, shovel her sidewalks and help her clean her house. So I shrug and move on. I told her she doesn't have child & infant first aid and CPR so I would never allow her to babysit for me anyway. Two can play the ice queen game. It hurts, but I put that away as best I can and accept her for the half pint that she is.

It does hurt but you're focussing all of your energy on your emotional pain and not enough taking care of you. Join a group, go for a walk, get your happy vits first, and take a bubble bath. Focus all of your good energy on figuring out small ways everyday to grab each bit of happiness that you can. That includes turning off your feeds to your shop-a-holic, doted over, shallow sil. Give all that negative stuff up, it won't do you any good.
I hope you find a way to carve out a better happier path

Thank you I do take vit b12 a 1000mg, vit d and a multi vit and ur right they do help. When they pissed me off i'd train hard at the gym but being prego i have to be cautious. My mum drove me crazy in my last pregnancy telling me how she knows theres something wrong with the baby about 50 times a day, there wasn't! total madness.

Oh man, you have a real doozie on your hands. Well done gf for all you've done to take care of you. You're smart, beautiful, worthy of love and this biatch is doing everything she can to sabatogue you. If she tells you there's something wrong with baby send her a retort from me that you are sure your baby is perfect but not so sure about her! HA.
Distance yourself and enjoy the peace. I'm sorry our families suck but I'm so blessed with the girls in my life-the friends I chose lol-including the ppl we chat amongst here on B&B.

 

[tigerlilly]

Hi everyone

Dh and I had a conversation after being at MILs yesterday that it's time to accepted that the battles are over and we have lost the war!!!

Our ds as usual was punched and kicked twice, dragged in a head lock, dh stepped in and stopped him. Dh's parents brushed this off again and said well he (cousin) done well to get this far today without hitting and our argument is what does this tell ds about his worth if someone is allowed to hit and punch him because he wants to, he's been hit and punched by his cousin from the off. Cousin is 3 and ds is 2. Tbh bil and sil aren't up there in the parenting skills which is why mil is always there, apparently! But i think mil needs to take responsibility from the off by keep stepping in and taking over. Mil told dh that she'd rather they have the baby at home then move out and it be a mistake, she then tries to retracted the statement by saying, oh, oh, oh not a mistake exactly oh you know what i mean. Cousin was 10 months old when they moved out of the in laws.

I think the underlying issue is that the mil never used to be like this, ever. The woman who's in front of me who's my mil we no longer recognise! I do not know who she is, nor does dh. She started to change about 8 months after sil moved in with them, (sil came to dinner a few weeks after she started dating bil and never went home) by the time their wedding was due I was getting asked questions by other family member's about what's going on with mil she changed they don't recognise her any more this was from ppl who have know her for over 40 years! as they all saw what was going on and voiced their concern so at least I know I wasn't going bat shit crazy and imagine it!

I think this is what drives us to keep trying as we're hopeful that the mil we know is still there someone where? maybe not.

Sil is still proclaiming depression but has died her hair again taking selfies and sending to a mate asking if she looks good in the pics in her new out fits! and posting them on line. I can't help but feel she is making a mockery of mental health issues!!!

I need to make a choice to either suck it and stay or walk away, the only thing is that ds deserves a relationship with his GP's but to be fair when his cousins are there he becomes invisible as they are so demanding and when they leave he'll say "no go home Mummy, no go home coz he knows he'll be getting nan and granddad attention.

Mil and SIL have some form of weird co dependency thing going on and has been perfectly brainwashed by sil and I think the situation is set to stay no matter what and I need to ask am I prepared to go through this cessation untill the day mother in law dies because I believe thats the likely out come xx

 

[lomelindi17]

It sounds like it is definitely the leech sister that is the problem. My brother is similar, he is a drug addict and brings drama and crap with him wherever he goes, ruins my day every time he calls asking for money, etc. He did the same thing to my dad when he lived with him but my dad smartened up and kicked him out after he weaseled $20k out of him. Those kind of people are energy suckers, they suck the life out of people day by day. Your mil is probably so stressed out she is unrecognizable and probably doesn't even know it.

As for you and your dh, maybe you could say because of sil's behavior and because you don't support what they are doing to your mil, and because your child is abused by their child, you'll entertain your mil at your house but won't be going to their house anymore. If mil won't come over then that is her making the choice, not you. Keep inviting her to dinner, maybe she will come eventually. Maybe if you guys have a serious talk alone with her about it and make everything clear and out in the open about how you feel, there won't be passive aggressive games and she will understand that you love her but you can't stand by and watch her being used by sil. She probably feels responsible to help them because she is her mother, but that's not how it is, sil is old enough to take care of herself and there is no reason she can't do that except laziness and immaturity (I'm guessing). She's not actually helping her by continuing to molly coddle her, just indulging her childishness instead of teaching her to grow up. Maybe she will wake up and realize what's happening. It is co-dependency and it's as much an addiction for her as it is for the sil. It's common martyrdom. This stuff is really deep and difficult to deal with, so in the end if no one will change you guys just have to do what is right for you, it sucks but you are your only advocates. If they won't be good family to you then why should you bend over backwards to be good family to them? Being family means a lot but it's not an excuse to treat people like crap with no consequences. Also in my opinion, if having a relationship with his grandmother and aunt and cousin right now means your son is beat up and treated as 2nd best, and has his confidence downed every time he sees them, that's not really a good relationship is it. Maybe he'd be better off only seeing them once in a while, at least until the cousin stops being so violent. The confidence thing has long lasting effects on a kid. She's going to have a rude awakening when her son goes to school, they certainly won't tolerate that kind of behavior there!

That's my take based on what you've said, obviously I don't know the exact situation but I hope that helps in some way. The best thing is just to be as calm and mature as possible and hope to lead by example, while sticking to your guns and doing what is right for YOUR family.

 

[2have4kids]

My colleague has the same thing going on with her sil. Sil is a 'couch parent' yelling at 4 year old boy to stop this/that. So cousin throws his play sets around the living room, punches & kicks my colleagues DD, his only way to get attention from his lazy parents is to be bad. We all know that repeating and yelling doesn't help at that age, we have to get up, take the object that he's going to hit another child with away, redirect or time-out. When my colleague does this for her sil to stop the little boy from hitting DD, sil gets mad and tells her not to parent her child. SO, colleague and her DH spoke to them about their parenting style, the injuries occurring, the bad, attention-getting behaviour that their DS is constantly after and all OT did was offend them, they're not willing to learn anything. SO my colleague righly has made the choice to protect her DD and not have her be exposed to cousin anymore. At least until they can see that they improve their parenting skills (which is highly doubtful). They also have sleep isssues with their kids because they refuse to follow any techniques even after a visit to their doctor.

Your job is to protect your child. I like to pp's idea to invite mil over to dinner, she may refuse but then maybe give it a month and try again. I think you need to ask yourself if your need to tie into and be a part of that family is a stronger need for you than seeing your LO hurt. LO may want to see grandma but at what cost? Be clever, start inviting grandma out when there's no way sil can join you. Sil is the manipulative one (just like my sister) and you need to stay away from her and keep your LO away from her kids.

 

[tigerlilly]

It sounds like it is definitely the leech sister that is the problem. My brother is similar, he is a drug addict and brings drama and crap with him wherever he goes, ruins my day every time he calls asking for money, etc. He did the same thing to my dad when he lived with him but my dad smartened up and kicked him out after he weaseled $20k out of him. Those kind of people are energy suckers, they suck the life out of people day by day. Your mil is probably so stressed out she is unrecognizable and probably doesn't even know it.

As for you and your dh, maybe you could say because of sil's behavior and because you don't support what they are doing to your mil, and because your child is abused by their child, you'll entertain your mil at your house but won't be going to their house anymore. If mil won't come over then that is her making the choice, not you. Keep inviting her to dinner, maybe she will come eventually. Maybe if you guys have a serious talk alone with her about it and make everything clear and out in the open about how you feel, there won't be passive aggressive games and she will understand that you love her but you can't stand by and watch her being used by sil. She probably feels responsible to help them because she is her mother, but that's not how it is, sil is old enough to take care of herself and there is no reason she can't do that except laziness and immaturity (I'm guessing). She's not actually helping her by continuing to molly coddle her, just indulging her childishness instead of teaching her to grow up. Maybe she will wake up and realize what's happening. It is co-dependency and it's as much an addiction for her as it is for the sil. It's common martyrdom. This stuff is really deep and difficult to deal with, so in the end if no one will change you guys just have to do what is right for you, it sucks but you are your only advocates. If they won't be good family to you then why should you bend over backwards to be good family to them? Being family means a lot but it's not an excuse to treat people like crap with no consequences. Also in my opinion, if having a relationship with his grandmother and aunt and cousin right now means your son is beat up and treated as 2nd best, and has his confidence downed every time he sees them, that's not really a good relationship is it. Maybe he'd be better off only seeing them once in a while, at least until the cousin stops being so violent. The confidence thing has long lasting effects on a kid. She's going to have a rude awakening when her son goes to school, they certainly won't tolerate that kind of behavior there!

That's my take based on what you've said, obviously I don't know the exact situation but I hope that helps in some way. The best thing is just to be as calm and mature as possible and hope to lead by example, while sticking to your guns and doing what is right for YOUR family.

Thank you I couldn't agree more. The crazy thing is that sil is NOT mil's daughter, she her daughter in law, like me. (sils been in the family a short while for about 9 ish yrs)

We've been wondering if sil's ds has developmental issues? but as far as shes (sil) concerned there's nothing wrong with him!!! We now try to avoid going to mil's home when they are there but as they are there a lot it can be difficult.

 

[tigerlilly]

My colleague has the same thing going on with her sil. Sil is a 'couch parent' yelling at 4 year old boy to stop this/that. So cousin throws his play sets around the living room, punches & kicks my colleagues DD, his only way to get attention from his lazy parents is to be bad. We all know that repeating and yelling doesn't help at that age, we have to get up, take the object that he's going to hit another child with away, redirect or time-out. When my colleague does this for her sil to stop the little boy from hitting DD, sil gets mad and tells her not to parent her child. SO, colleague and her DH spoke to them about their parenting style, the injuries occurring, the bad, attention-getting behaviour that their DS is constantly after and all OT did was offend them, they're not willing to learn anything. SO my colleague righly has made the choice to protect her DD and not have her be exposed to cousin anymore. At least until they can see that they improve their parenting skills (which is highly doubtful). They also have sleep isssues with their kids because they refuse to follow any techniques even after a visit to their doctor.

Your job is to protect your child. I like to pp's idea to invite mil over to dinner, she may refuse but then maybe give it a month and try again. I think you need to ask yourself if your need to tie into and be a part of that family is a stronger need for you than seeing your LO hurt. LO may want to see grandma but at what cost? Be clever, start inviting grandma out when there's no way sil can join you. Sil is the manipulative one (just like my sister) and you need to stay away from her and keep your LO away from her kids.

I aim to avoid the sil as much as possible we don't go to there house and they don't come here. Sil is an energy vampire and will exhaust you to the point your are drowning in misery by the time we leave. I try not to make conversation, as she talks about herself all the time this makes the task easier! I agree we need to stand up and set boundaries and the challenge is getting mil to put the situation in to perspective and not be blind sided by how happy she is that all the kids are 'playing' together. Sil's ds and dd don't mix with other kids, sil doesn't see the point and thinks toddler groups are a load of shit!!!!