don't want a boy because of past!

[Malouka]

Hi All, this is my first post here and it's going to be a sad one right away. Yes it's another gender dissapointment post, but I really think I cannot deal with a baby boy. This is my first pregnancy and like many women I have always felt it is a girl ( I am 19 weeks pregnant ). Me and my husband were doing the nub theorie and I was so convinced it was a girl, then he found out that according to the nub theory it should be a boy. Even if I know that it's just a theory and we are no experts, I suddenly became soooo upset. I shouted at him saying that it's not a boy and I don't understand why he's so obsessed with having a boy, while I am actually the one obsessed with having a girl. All day I was so happy thinking it's a girl and all of a sudden someone tells me it may not be.. Ofcourse I know that it could be a boy, but I guess deep inside thats not what I want. The reason for this is quiete complicated. I know I have an issue with men. Im even surprised I'm living peacefully with one ( my husband ). My brother has abused me in the past. I am not going to bother you with this but it has left a big scar on me and because of that I am not even able to see my mom and sister anymore bcs I'm hiding for his sick brain and if anyone knows where I am he will find out and God knows what he will do. My dad also used to beat my mom up even when she was pregnant of me he threathened her with a knife. I also am convinced that most men will turn out to be perverts, pedophiles, rapers or any other kind women haters. I am also smart enough to know that this image of men is created because of my past. I just don't have enough positive experience with men to believe that my son will be a good man later in his life. I don't even think baby boys look cute because Im a person that always looks to the futur and when I look at a baby boy I see the futur and I see a man that will cheat on his wife or something like that. My husband never cheated on me but I just feel very lucky to be with a man like him. It's up to me to raise the boy well ( if its a boy I'm having ) but I'm also convinced that sometimes no matter how you raise a child a man is and stays a man.......... Am I crazy??? I also wanted to say that I was very depressed and was having counselling. As I said, my past left a big scar behind. I never felt happy in my life and always cried myself a sleep. Since I found out I was pregnant I never felt depressed anymore....untill now....Realising that the baby MIGHT be a boy.............and eventually a man... I have the 2nd scan in 5 days... How can I accept the fact that there is 50% chance of a boy? Is it sick that I don't even think baby boys look cute? Am I a racist?

 

[Gina91]

Sounds like you're having a very hard time! I hope for your sake babys a girl but you can't live your life in fear of having a baby boy!
How will you feel if baby is a boy? What will you do?
You're with a man who treats you well, there's NO reason why your son would turn out to be anything other than respectable.
I think you really need to talk to someone about this and get more counselling ASAP!

 

[Themonkey]

Even if baby is a boy he's going to start out completely innocent. There is no reason to believe that he would display any of these traits.

Hopefully there is someone you can talk to for some professional counseling about your concerns too. In the mean time I would try to focus on the good in your life with your partner

 

[miss cakes]

whatever you think of most men you dont think your husband is like that do you so you know deep down they arent ll the same and you will be the boys mother if you were to have a boy and you can raise him to respect and love women honestly i think you need some more help hun if you did have a boy you wouldnt want to inflict all that pain you got inside you onto your own child would you? xx

 

[cheshire]

Either way you are going to deal with this, I second getting some help from people that can really help. The gender of the baby is not going to solve anything. A deep fear and hatred for men and having a little girl out in the world is not going to make your life any easier.

 

[Charlie5]

Why would your boy not take after your husband and be a wonderful lovely human being - I am sure he will be!!!

Not all men are like the ones you have experienced, your husband proves that I have a son and he is the most wonderful loving funny little boy and I am sure if you have a son he will be too. Hugs but please talk to someone professional about this.

 

[flower01]

id say you need to speak to someone about this and soon. Or if its too difficult, show them this post.
The fact you have written it to us lot is a good sign means you have accepted that there is still an issue.

I bet, if you do have a boy you will bring him up to be a lovely little boy
xx

 

[mummof1]

If you have a baby boy maybe God is giving you a chance to bond with a male so that you will see that not all males are "bad". Your baby boy would come into this world completely innocent and as long as you and your hubby nurture him and bring him up in a loving and positive environment he will become a man who demonstrates good qualities and carries on a loving nature. Maybe you should try to talk to a professional to help you through this though, good luck!xx

 

[SleepyBaby]

You need to seek out help soon, no matter what sex your baby is it will benefit your child and yourself if you can work through the problems in your past.

There are a lot of good men in the world, as well as the bad ones the same way there are alot of good women in the world and alot of bad ones, its not gender that determines who we are, its our relationships and the things we go through growing up, its how we handle defeat and how we deal with winning, there are a million and ten things that made us who we are, gender may play a roll but growing up in a loving home would play a bigger one, being taught right from wrong, caring and kindness, rules and respect, there is alot more to a person than gender

Live for today, the past is the past, the future is undecided and today is where the memories begin, trying to live in the past, present and future all at the same time woulds cause anyone to stress

hope you find a way to get through your issues, it might not be easy but it will be worth it

 

[leahtaba]

I second what many PPs have said, you need to get counselling and help either way, even if baby turns out to be a girl, having that view of men is not healthy and I feel you would benefit from trying to resolve your past issues as they are clearly having a massive effect on you still and that's a big burden to carry.

Wishing you the best and hope you get the support you need!

 

[Gina91]

Was your baby planned?
Even if baby is a girl these feelings aren't gonna go away and its not fair to instill these feelings on your baby!

 

[1eighty]

It's up to me to raise the boy well ( if its a boy I'm having ) but I'm also convinced that sometimes no matter how you raise a child a man is and stays a man.......... Am I crazy???

If you raise him with the constant expectations that he will turn into a woman-beating rapist, then you may end up doing him harm and HE will need a therapist. Are you crazy? I think we all are to some degree or other, but all I can say for sure is that if the counselling you were speaking of really is in the past that you should phone them for another appointment because there is more going on here than gender disappointment and you will have to find a way to deal with this even if you are NOT expecting a boy.

Am I a racist?

That doesn't mean what you think it means.

 

[Toots4]

You definitely need to seek help. Have you thought about what your going to do when the child grows up if it's a girl? She will want to be friends with boys and date boys. This is a major issue that could have harmful implications on your child whether it's male or female xx

 

[LDC]

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this.

My recommendation would be to seek some counselling; it's obvious that your past issues are still affecting you and you need to be able to move on from these in order to get everything that you can out of life and your new family.

Yes there is 50% chance that you're having a boy but that does not mean that you he will turn out like your dad or brother. I work with young men who have been through difficult situations like yours and they are petrified that they will "turn out" like their family when this isn't the case at all. We all make our own decisions and choices and we have to manage these properly through support from people who care about us. Your son (if you have one now or in the future) will grow up with the morals that you and your husband instil in him and it seems that your husband is a lovely man who cares and respects you. He's proof that not all men are the same that you've come into contact with.

Good luck x

 

[sweetdrea]

I cried I guess not cried I sobbed so hard I couldnt breath when I found out I was having a boy this time because my husbands son from previous is so nasty and mean to me and has done so much horrible horrible things that I instantly though omg if I have a boy its going to turn out like that..... Oh it was horrible I cried for days before the sonogram for what if's and I sobbed for days after the sonogram. and I was for sure in my head having a girl....... But now thinking about it I had a boy from previous and his dad was an abusing dick and was a sicko in the head and me and my son are
the closest I think just because of that. If I wouldnt have had him I dont know what my life would be like without him. I raised him just me and he turned out a sweet sweet little boy and acts nothing like the father. So it all depends on how YOU raise the boy.......
Thinking about my son it got me to stop crying and I told my husband the reason why I was sobbing and he said we were going to make sure our new little bundle of joy son will NOT turn out that way no matter what........... You will be fine and I BET once you have your son you will think back and say god I dont know what life would of been like without you son....... ITs up to you mommy on how you want your baby to behave..... Good luck

 

[akire01]

I went to school for psychology and work in psychology..... Your son will be what you make him. If you resent him and harvest these feelings towards him, it will effect him greatly. You, yourself could cause him to become the type of man you hate. I strongly suggest you get some serious counseling, even if its a girl. If it's a girl you may teach her to have the same issues with men that you have without realizing it. The great thing is that you recognize that you have these issues and that you can do something about it before it is too late! Best of luck!

 

[Terangela]

If this is for real, you need counseling or you will seriously mess up this child! My cousin wanted a girl and had two boys first... she also had been abused and mistreated by men in her past and she saw her boys as future abusers. The way she raised them and how she treated them when her girl came along was just heart breaking. They were removed from her home and placed in foster care, returned and pulled again. The oldest is now in prison for rape... he claims he didn't know how old the girl was. The other boy is in a gang and the girl who saw all the injustice has been arrested for prostitution as she is now a exotic dancer. My cousin didn't stop the cycle, didn't seek help. My cousin chose to take out her insecurities on her sons and it also effected her daughter. It all stemmed from her not getting counseling regarding her past abuse.

 

[BoBo14]

Sorry you feel like this. There is a gender disappointment board on the website.

 

[tigerlilly]

if you are having a boy you can choose how you raise him and there's every chance you will raise a good man x

 

[SJDsMommy]

I don't understand how some one can get so upset over the gender of their baby. Being disappointed momentarily I understand but why get upset about it? Theres no changing it now. I'm sorry I don't mean to sound rude but I don't think its right to get upset over the simple matter of gender :/

Boys are great! I understand its hard given your past but you'll be raising this child, they'll be better than that! My son is the best thing that ever happened to me! He's so sweet, and by toddler standards he's usually very well behaved. I can't imagine my life without him now! I think either way you'll be fine with it after a while.