Dying woman wants IVF, do you agree she should?

[Jody R]

This may be sensitive and I don't want to cause upset, I am genuinely interested in how people feel.

I watched The Wright Stuff this morning and they had a discussion about a terminally ill woman who wants IVF before she dies.

She wants to donate an egg, which will be fertilized by her best friends husband and then implanted into and carried by his wife, the dying woman's best friend. She will then care for the baby for as long as she can and then when she passes away the friends will raise the child.

She has been given twelve months to live so this needs to happen quickly and she could have just twelve weeks with her child before she dies.

From what they said on the programme she has always wanted children but is very young and dying from breast cancer. She wants to have the child she always hoped for before she dies and experience motherhood even for just a few weeks. She wants to leave her parents a grandchild to ease their pain at losing her and the friends are happy to help and raise the baby after she is gone. And the baby will be with it's natural father and the woman who carried and gave birth to it.

There was much debate about this issue, which is legal apparently, and not a lot of support for the woman or her plan.

Many people seemed to think she was being selfish and that the child would suffer in some way and were very against her being allowed to continue with this plan.

I just wondered how people here felt.

 

[aob1013]

I don't think it is right for her to concieve a child, knowing she will die soon after.

 

[Jody R]

I do think that she should be allowed.

I feel very sorry for her and for her baby that she will not be here to see her child grow up but I think bringing a child that she clearly already loves and longs for into the world is a very special thing to do.

She will be leaving it to be raised with people she loves and trusts, one of them the biological father, and they are so clearly kind and compassionate people to have considered and agreed to do this for her.

I think that the child will grow up knowing how much his/her mother loved and wanted him/her and that the father and step mother, who will have carried the child and given birth to it, will love and care for the baby enough to raise him/her in a way that makes him/her feel loved and secure and wanted and answer any and all questions that he/she has about the mother.

I feel it would be cruel to deny her the chance to become a mother just because she has been given a limit on her life expectancy. Thankfully the majority of people do not have an illness that cuts their life short but any one of us could fall victim to accident or illness at any time (touch wood that we don't).

And although many of the people on the TV were stating that she was selfish to want to bring a child into the world that she wouldn't be around to raise, that would have to be cared for by others and that would never meet his/her mother when they were old enough to remember her, I think that is unfair. Lots of people have children that they do not raise, many are surrogates or give their children up for adoption and they are not selfish people. This baby may not have it's biological mother but it will have it's biological father and the woman who carried and gave birth to it, plus a loving extended family that includes it's biological mothers parents.

I really hope this woman gets to have her child and spend some time loving and enjoying her baby.

 

[November1984]

I'm sure the child will be well cared for, it's her right to have a child and I don't see anything wrong w/it being that this seems well planned out.

 

[LoraLoo]

I'm sure the child will be well cared for, it's her right to have a child and I don't see anything wrong w/it being that this seems well planned out.

But doesn't the child have a right to knows its Mother? I'm really undecided on this one TBH. I can't help but feel that it is selfish, but trying to imagine myself in her shoes, and knowing the absolute longing for a child, I think I would feel exactly the same as she does. Be interested to see everyones opinions on this one xxx

 

[coccyx]

No i don't think she should go through with it. People say she has aright to a child but surely with a supposed right she has responsibilities. Child is not a commodity. I wish her well

 

[katrina1987]

I don't think she should be aloud to, knowing she won't have much time I think its morally wrong to bring a child into this world that you are not going to look after and support. But thats just my opinion

 

[AP]

I dont believe its right, she's doing it to fufil her own desires and not really truely thinking of the implications that her child will not know its mother.
And god forbid, what if she passed away before baby was born.
Not the type of thing i normally have an opinion on, but in this case, i dont agree.

ETA: Jody I have just read your last post and you do have valid points

 

[LoraLoo]

I don't think she should be aloud to, knowing she won't have much time I think its morally wrong to bring a child into this world that you are not going to look after and support. But thats just my opinion

You can't say that somebody's not ALLOWED though you might not agree with it, but nobody can stop a woman from having a baby xxxxx

 

[November1984]

What about couples that freeze sperm before the man is sent away in a war only later if he dies to conceive a child w/it?
Is that weird? Yes...I don't see a problem with it though.
Again, if everything is well planned out and the child is loved and taken care of I don't think it's wrong or selfish.

ETA: This child would be conceived through love, unconventional love but LOVE. The friends love her enough to do this for her and they will love this child very much I am sure -- not only that the biological father will be there.

 

[BlackBerry25]

I voted yes.

I don't know, but I think all the people involved have put thought into it, the child will still have "parents." I mean, any of us could die at any time.

 

[maybebaby3]

what a sad story i dont think i could bring a child into this world knowing i would be leaving it soon but the child will be loved and cared for so i guess that's the main thing. i hope she gets to meet her son or daughter.

 

[Sarahkka]

In this case, the child's future has been carefully planned and provided for.
Contrast this with a case like Octo-mom where it seems that a very irresponsible, attention-seeking individual (and her doctor) used IVF to have as many babies as possible and had no plan or provision for them.
I support the cancer patient's wish and feel that is a very compassionate possibility for fertility technology.

 

[redpoppy]

I was going to say "hell no!" but then saw the details so I'm voting yes for the reasons OP stated.

I'm not very sure though so could be swayed.

 

[Jody R]

I was going to say "hell no!" but then saw the details so I'm voting yes for the reasons OP stated.

I'm not very sure though so could be swayed.

Actually at first I was thinking no and then changed my mind.

What convinced me were the facts that she will not be carrying the child, her best friend is, so if the worst happens and she does die before the child is born then the child is not at risk.

Then the fact that the friend and her husband, the biological father will be there to raise the baby.

And the thought that so many people do donate sperm or eggs, act as a surrogate or give up a child for adoption and do so for strangers. They don't have any imput or responsibility for the children they create and I am a big supportor of people who can do these things so unselfishly to give someone else the chance of a family. So I don't think it's wrong that these people can do it for their friend.

I do feel sad for the woman and worried how the baby will feel as it grows up and learns what happened but by then I am sure it's father and his wife will have raised it in a way that reassures him or her of how much their mother loved them and it can be done without leaving the child in a mess.

And as someone else says, who knows what could happen to us tomorrow? If something happened to me and DH I would want Joseph to be raised by people who knew and loved us and I think that's what this woman has arranged for the baby she hopes to create.

 

[November1984]

Actually at first I was thinking no and then changed my mind.

What convinced me were the facts that she will not be carrying the child, her best friend is, so if the worst happens and she does die before the child is born then the child is not at risk.

Then the fact that the friend and her husband, the biological father will be there to raise the baby.

And the thought that so many people do donate sperm or eggs, act as a surrogate or give up a child for adoption and do so for strangers. They don't have any imput or responsibility for the children they create and I am a big supportor of people who can do these things so unselfishly to give someone else the chance of a family. So I don't think it's wrong that these people can do it for their friend.

I do feel sad for the woman and worried how the baby will feel as it grows up and learns what happened but by then I am sure it's father and his wife will have raised it in a way that reassures him or her of how much their mother loved them and it can be done without leaving the child in a mess.

And as someone else says, who knows what could happen to us tomorrow? If something happened to me and DH I would want Joseph to be raised by people who knew and loved us and I think that's what this woman has arranged for the baby she hopes to create.

Agree w/all of the above!

 

[LoraLoo]

I was going to say "hell no!" but then saw the details so I'm voting yes for the reasons OP stated.

I'm not very sure though so could be swayed.

Actually at first I was thinking no and then changed my mind.

What convinced me were the facts that she will not be carrying the child, her best friend is, so if the worst happens and she does die before the child is born then the child is not at risk.

Then the fact that the friend and her husband, the biological father will be there to raise the baby.

And the thought that so many people do donate sperm or eggs, act as a surrogate or give up a child for adoption and do so for strangers. They don't have any imput or responsibility for the children they create and I am a big supportor of people who can do these things so unselfishly to give someone else the chance of a family. So I don't think it's wrong that these people can do it for their friend.

I do feel sad for the woman and worried how the baby will feel as it grows up and learns what happened but by then I am sure it's father and his wife will have raised it in a way that reassures him or her of how much their mother loved them and it can be done without leaving the child in a mess.

And as someone else says, who knows what could happen to us tomorrow? If something happened to me and DH I would want Joseph to be raised by people who knew and loved us and I think that's what this woman has arranged for the baby she hopes to create.

I do see your point Jody, but people who act as a surrogate, or donate sperm or eggs, aren't doing it for themselves, where as this woman would be having a child to fulfil her own desire for a child
I know its not all black and white, and I keep changing my mind on it when I hear everyones opinions

 

[jess3012]

I'm not really sure on this one. Maybe if i was in her situation i might feel differently.
I carn't help but feel she is being a bit selfish in bringing a child into the world when she knows shes not going to be around long. I mean whats the baby going to feel like when he/she has been around this lady and got used to her smell/voice being comforted by her/depending on this lady for her then to just dissapear out of this babies life..
Maybe its just me that thinks its bad!

 

[Jody R]

It is a tough one.

I know the donating people etc are doing it for others but still, isn't everyone who has a child doing it for themselves?

The only difference is she knows she won't be around but the rest of us have no idea if we have one year or fifty left, but we still take the gamble and I honestly think these people have put more thought into it than many people who have children do (I mean the ones who neglect and harm them etc).

 

[LoraLoo]

It is a tough one.

I know the donating people etc are doing it for others but still, isn't everyone who has a child doing it for themselves?

The only difference is she knows she won't be around but the rest of us have no idea if we have one year or fifty left, but we still take the gamble and I honestly think these people have put more thought into it than many people who have children do (I mean the ones who neglect and harm them etc).

Predominantly yes, but I also had children because I think I can offer them a stable home with a loving family, and that they will be able to look back on their childhood as a happy one. Would those sperm/egg donors do the same if they knew that the mother would die within a year?
You are right that none of us KNOW how long we have left, but I think we all like to imagine that we will be old ladies when we die and will get to spend a good few years with our children, watching them grow up, getting married, have children of their own. Where as this woman KNOWS that she wont get to see any of that. It really is a sad situation and I really feel for her and her family Must be so many other families going through this too. I dont think there is a wrong or right TBH, because someone is always going to be losing out xxxxx