Eating disorder recovery support thread!

[louandivy]

Just thought I'd start this for those of us who are determined to recover from our eating disorders. I'll write a little introduction about myself later but I'm in a bit of a rush at the moment, maybe we could all give a little introduction about ourselves and where we are in our recovery?

Also, can I just ask that there is no mention of calories and weights, just thought it would help with making the thread as un-triggering as possible, if you have any other ideas let me know. Stay strong ladies

 

[cowboys angel]

Yay! Thanks Lou!

Umm... My name is Katie. I am 19, married, with a lovely stepdaughter (7 years), a beautiful baby (5 months), and ttc #2.

My anorexia actually started after I was put on prozac at age 12. It took away my appetite and I got very thin. Then everyone started telling me I looked so great, and I became determined to stay that small. I hit my low at 16. Then a lot of shit happened, and my depression got bad. Real bad.

I am finally at a point in my life where I am happy. The cycle got broke after I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't hurt my unborn baby by continuing. By the time my daughter was born, I couldn't not eat cuz I was bfing. Then, the desire was just gone. I actually wanted to be happy and live for my baby and my husband.

But now, with stress about my health (I just got diagnosed with MS), I'm battling it again. I refuse to fall back into that lifestyle. I want to be healthy and happy. I just want some friends that understand and will encourage me to stay strong and fight the fight.

to all!

 

[louandivy]

Wow, you have had a long battle! You are so strong to be doing this for your little girl, how are you feeling about everything at the moment?

I'm Lou, 22 years old. I first started struggling at around 16, I still don't know why. I have always been extremely competitive and especially with my sisters, I was always the thinnest of the four of us and felt like that was my 'thing', if you know what I mean. But when my younger sister lost weight and became thinner than me it just sparked something off in me, I needed my identity back. I really started restricting and losing weight by the time I was 17, until I ended up attempting suicide and being sectioned in an adolescent mental health ward, where the nurses noticed how little I ate but my consultant didn't seem to think it mattered because I didn't LOOK anorexic, he said that to my face
After getting out of hospital I just became worse and worse, until I ended up being hospitalised and put in inpatient treatment for my eating disorder by the time I was 18. I was in there for a few months but although I never fully recovered, I had managed to have a very controlled healthy diet, but it was VERY controlled. Then because all of a sudden I could eat again, I started binging really badly, taking laxatives and making myself sick and began outpatient treatment again. When I went to uni it all got worse, I started restricting but the bulimia was still present and I was in an endless cycle of binging, purging and restricting. When I met my OH I was still very sick but four months into our relationship I found out I was pregnant and it saved me! It was difficult at first, but like you Katie I found that knowing I had my baby growing inside me helped me build the strength to start eating again, and I found that as I started eating properly the binges slowly stopped too. I have been in recovery ever since, but its not easy and I find myself missing the old 'me' sometimes, like I don't know who I am without it

But Ii just can't let myself go back, I can't put Ivy through that! I am terrified of her picking up my bad habits and would never ever forgive myself if I did, so I have to do everything I can to make sure that anorexia will NOT taint her childhood.

I am so proud of all of us who are here, we are doing the right thing for our children and ourselves

 

[cowboys angel]

Right now...I am scared with all this health shit going on. Very scared. I know that the MS is slowly going to take over. It is going to take 'functions' away from me, whether vision, speech, cognitive, muscular. It is going to change me and affect my family. But I don't want my children to see that, and also see me with an ED, and think that it is the 'proper' way to 'deal' with stress.

My ED and cutting is how I dealt for a long time...and I don't ever want to see my children in that cycle. Especially if I was the 'influence.'


I find myself being stressed out, scared, depressed, and not wanting to eat. I have to force myself to eat almost every day. Every day I have to look at my daughter and tell her "Mommy is okay. Mommy is scared, but I will handle it in a good HEALTHY way. Mommy is going to eat today. Mommy is going to not hurt herself today."

Then I can't do it cuz I can't lie to my daughter, even if she is too young to understand.

I have no idea what I will do when she becomes old enough to understand!

 

[jen1604]

Thank you for making the thread Lou

I'm Jen, I'm also 22. I've struggled on and off since I was about 12/13. Firstly with anorexia but more recently and most damagingly with bulimia.

I have been in out of treatment since just before I turned 18. When I got pregnant with Ophelia I carried on having to have counselling and 'check in' with them
every week and managed to get everything under control. When Ophelia was born I had a massive relapse and had to have a lot more counselling (which I hate). Things improved from there until the end of last year,November, where I was under a lot of stress and dropped a LOT of weight.
This last relapse has I think been the hardest. I have massively damaged 3 of my (previously healthy) teeth through all the purging and I have been so susceptible to illness all year. It's been horrible.
I have been in recovery since I would say March, I am attempting to do it on my own for the first time without professional help and my BMI has gone from underweight to healthy!
I do still struggle but I think 90% of the time I have it under control.

 

[jen1604]

Lou, I have always been the same with my sisters. I am one of 5, one is a lot younger but the ones around my age have always been a couple of stone heavier than me.

My sister who is 2 years younger got massively poorly this year and is now thinner than me, I try not to let it but it feels SO triggering.

 

[Arisa]

HUGS to everyone


I understand completely with what you are going through and there is a light at the end of the tunnel and most of us will be able to conceive if not all hopefully

I have had a bulimia which still comes and goes but has been pretty non existent until recently

 

[HellBunny]

You are all so brave, defo determination to sort this shit out.

**hugs to you all** xxxxxx

 

[louandivy]

Thank you for making the thread Lou

I'm Jen, I'm also 22. I've struggled on and off since I was about 12/13. Firstly with anorexia but more recently and most damagingly with bulimia.

I have been in out of treatment since just before I turned 18. When I got pregnant with Ophelia I carried on having to have counselling and 'check in' with them
every week and managed to get everything under control. When Ophelia was born I had a massive relapse and had to have a lot more counselling (which I hate). Things improved from there until the end of last year,November, where I was under a lot of stress and dropped a LOT of weight.
This last relapse has I think been the hardest. I have massively damaged 3 of my (previously healthy) teeth through all the purging and I have been so susceptible to illness all year. It's been horrible.
I have been in recovery since I would say March, I am attempting to do it on my own for the first time without professional help and my BMI has gone from underweight to healthy!
I do still struggle but I think 90% of the time I have it under control.

I know that people always see anorexia as the more 'extreme' eating disorder but my bulimic phase was the most miserable and difficult point of my life! There is so much shame involved in bulimia, it made me feel disgusting but it is just so horribly addictive. I think its the most important part of me eating enough - if I were to start restricting then the binging would inevitably come back.
Can I be nosey and ask where you had treatment? I did inpatient at the Priory in Hayes Grove, and received outpatient treatment at the Roehampton and Brighton ones. Sometimes I think that inpatient treatment is the worst thing for someone with an eating disorder, because the very nature of the disease is so competitve! Being in hospital I was constantly comparing myself to the other girls in there, it was almost seen as an acheivement when a girl was made to use a feeding tube, like they were the best at being 'sick' . Looking back, I think that the way we were treated was awful, I was forced to take anti-psychotic meds because I was having panic attacks every night, when all I think I needed was someone to talk to me and help me take my mind off of wanting to get rid of the food.
Sorry, I'm rambling here but I try to forget about my experience most days so sometimes it just all comes flooding back! How do you feel attempting recovery on your own? I'm the same as you, the only time my recovery was remotely successful was when I got pregnant and was in a new city and decided to do it on my own too! Ii find it very hard to trust consultants because I am constantly aware that as soon as I can't afford the treatment they'll just drop me.

How is everyone feeling today? I was feeling pretty awful and bloated this morning but had a yummy thai green curry with my OH tonight, sometimes just eating a nice meal with someone can cheer you up

 

[louandivy]

HUGS to everyone


I understand completely with what you are going through and there is a light at the end of the tunnel and most of us will be able to conceive if not all hopefully

I have had a bulimia which still comes and goes but has been pretty non existent until recently

We are here if you want to talk about it

 

[louandivy]

Right now...I am scared with all this health shit going on. Very scared. I know that the MS is slowly going to take over. It is going to take 'functions' away from me, whether vision, speech, cognitive, muscular. It is going to change me and affect my family. But I don't want my children to see that, and also see me with an ED, and think that it is the 'proper' way to 'deal' with stress.

My ED and cutting is how I dealt for a long time...and I don't ever want to see my children in that cycle. Especially if I was the 'influence.'


I find myself being stressed out, scared, depressed, and not wanting to eat. I have to force myself to eat almost every day. Every day I have to look at my daughter and tell her "Mommy is okay. Mommy is scared, but I will handle it in a good HEALTHY way. Mommy is going to eat today. Mommy is going to not hurt herself today."

Then I can't do it cuz I can't lie to my daughter, even if she is too young to understand.

I have no idea what I will do when she becomes old enough to understand!

That must be so difficult for you to cope with! But you are so right in deciding that you don't want your children to pick up your coping mechanisms, your little girl is so lucky to have a mum who is willing to fight it

 

[EllaAndLyla]

Hi I am Ella, 18 with a 3 month old daughter called Lyla x

My disorder started a long time ago, when i 10, I had always been small in height but my middle made up for that. I started noticing that other girls were small and skinny and I wanted that! So I would put off my dinners etc stop eating. As I got to high school and had settled and made friends things got a lot worse, as well as not eating I had fallen into the wrong crowd and started smoking and taking drugs (big big regret!) The weight was falling off until there was nothing of me really. At aged 16 I was just skin and bones. No one knew about the underlaying problem and all though it was due to drugs etc, they still do. Well I got out of the bad situation with drugs when I met my OH in 2009, he too had a drug problem but somehow together we pushed each other in the right direction for a healthy future. I noticed after the drugs my weight wasn't coming back so i put myself on a tight schedule to keep my self tiny. No red meat, No chocolate, nothing sweet etc. I was on a diet of basically vegtables and chicken or ready meals. When I found out I was pregnant in late 2010 my mind changed about food and I knew that I had to do the best for my baby and I wouldn't let my selfishness cause her any harm. So it was a struggle during pregnancy and I put on A LOT of weight compared to my normal weight. I gave birth to a healthy and heavy baby girl (8lbs) on the 2nd of June 2011

At the moment I have started feeling myself slowly edging back towards my old lifestyle but I have been trying so so hard not to!! Lyla is my world and I will do it for her, however hard it is. Part of the reason I have been slipping recently is because of time, I don't have time to eat and another is because when I look in the mirror I dont see a skinny sexy yummy mummy, i see a blob of flab and sag. My OH is helping me along as best he can, even though he will never understand the feeling, he tells me I am sexy and skinny but I don't believe him. My aim is to keep at this steady weight, I don't want to go back into obsession because it took over my life for 8 years! I don't want to be that person again. I want a healthy fresh start and that is what I am going to achieve!!!!!!!

Wow sorry for the essay, I have never really spoken to anyone about it before, OH only knew because he could tell I didn't eat much, same with my parents. I have never had any professional help from anyone. I hope I don't sound stupid. xxx

 

[HellBunny]

bump for anyone who needs this xx

 

[Groovychick]

I've been looking for a thread like this!

I've had an ED (bulimia) over ten years now and despite countless hours of therapy am still plagued by it every single day. It has contributed to the breakdown of my relationship and I am devastated. I hate my ED for doing this to me and am determined not to let it ruin my lfie any more.

Lets beat these ED's girls (and boys)!

 

[louandivy]

I've been looking for a thread like this!

I've had an ED (bulimia) over ten years now and despite countless hours of therapy am still plagued by it every single day. It has contributed to the breakdown of my relationship and I am devastated. I hate my ED for doing this to me and am determined not to let it ruin my lfie any more.

Lets beat these ED's girls (and boys)!

Has your relationship broken down recently? That must be very tough to deal with. How are you managing your bulimia at the moment? So glad we have a positive thread to remind us that we WON'T let the ED control ours and our LOs lives!

I love your daughters name by the way, gorgeous

 

[Chris77]

Hi ladies,

I just wanted you all to know that I have been recovered from anorexia for 7 years now. So recovery is possible ladies. It took 2 hospitalizations and years of therapy and medication, but through hard work and determination, recovery is and was possible!

Don't give up ladies. Stay strong. It's much easier to give in than it is to fight but fighting is so so worth it!

 

[cowboys angel]

Ella! My LO's name is Lyla also!

Thanks for your post Chris, very encouraging.

 

[Groovychick]

Thanks louandivy!

Yes, my relationship has broken down very recently and I am feeling depressed. Its hard as I want to use it as an excuse to continue my bulimia. However, I have let it rule my life for far too long now and need to find a healthier way of coping!

 

[tu123]

Can i join in?

I am Tanya and 31 and mummy to one.

AN started for me when i was 12. Grew up with a shit mother who was neglectful and abusive and loved telling me how fat i was. I remember a kid in the street calling me fatso and my mum agreed. She was a biatch. I ended up living with my grandparents from 12 and they just let me get do what i wanted, bless them. But they left me to sort out my own meals, etc.

I had 6mths in hospital when i was 17. Worst place ever. They wernt specialised in Eds. It was just a general adolescent ward. I had people come out to me when i was 19 threatening a hospital again. They knew none ofmy plans (my grandparents had died the year before and i was in independent living) and i just pissed off to uni' with a loan! I saw a counsellor from age 14 to 18. That woman was the person that helped me through the most difficult years of my life and was a friend. Without her weekly sessions who knows what would have happened.

When i was 18 i got arrested for stealing food from a supermarket. When at the station they searched my jeans pocket and asked what was in there only to find it was my hip bones.

I functioned thorughout the next ten years at work because i was "good at it".

Uni was hell. I kept my low weight with purging. It was the most manic phase i think. I am sure everyone knew what i was doing but no one said anything. Eds are such lonely diseases. Only a few of my old school pals knew a little.

And they can waste your money!

I never talk about it. I dont think i have for about ten years. But it is there. When i was younger people said you can only blame yourself. BUt i still blame my mother. Years of being told you were ugly and fat (i was though) by your own mother leave a big mark.

Most of you ladies are younger than me. You have to keep trying to sort this out. I have had stomach ulcers (from drinking gallons of pepsi and coffee on an empty stomach) and seeing a specialist this week about my stomach hernia. I have lost teeth at the back too. This is all down to Eds.

I cant believe i have just written this. I havent spoken about it for years!

Dont let yourself get to my age with an ED.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Groovychick]

Welcome Tanya.