Eating disorder recovery support thread!

[HellBunny]

Bump for those who need it.
Doing okay but i'm gaining!! I'm eating a healthy amount.. yet gaining.. i'm so scared

 

[cowboys angel]

honey you're fine.

I don't know why I keep going to the other eating disorder thread. I am 'recovered' but still have to battle it sometimes, and it doesn't help that I keep going and reading the other thread...

 

[louandivy]

To everyone. I have been having lots of triggering thought lately - getting in touch with old friends has definitely set something off in me. Going back to the other thread definitely doesn't help either, it is very triggering in there!
I hope I don't offend anyone here, but my view on having an eating disorder and being a parent is just getting stronger and stronger. When I was pregnant I would tell myself that I could resume restricting when Ivy got here, but now I think continuing to go on with anorexic or bulimic behaviours without even trying to seek help is no different from being an alcoholic or drug addict with a baby and not trying to get help either. I really, truly dont believe that I can have an eating disorder and for it NOT to affect Ivy; its just not possible. When I was anorexic it affected my whole family, even my mum's partner. How would we have meal times together? How would I have the energy to play with her? How could I be truly interested in everything she does if I am constantly thinking about food? There were times that I had to call for my mum and beg her to bring me an apple when Ii woke up because I couldn't physically get out of bed without eating something, what would I do if I woke up this weak and Ivy was waiting for me in her cot? For me, my eating disorder was an addiction, particularly the bulimia. There was shame, depression, behaviours that I felt I could not control - could you imagine anything worse than growing up with a parent who is completely preoccupied with their ED? Before,I would pander to it and tell myself that I would just have to completely hide it from Ivy, but it was a ridiculous thing to think was even possible! I remember how different my personality was, I remember how mean I could be after 5 days of fasting - I snapped at my 8 year old sister once for eating chocolate in front of me and called her greedy What would stop me from doing it to Ivy? I could never forgive myself if she grew up to know the hell that is living with an ED.

 

[cowboys angel]

I totally and completely agree with you Lou. I was already on the road to recovery when I got pregnant because my husband (fiance at the time) would sit and make me eat. I hate throwing up so I never ended up with bulimia. I'm a sympathy puker, so that just would have been bad. I try to avoid puking at all costs. Before I got pregnant, I gained 20lbs because of my fiance. I was still very tiny, but a healthy tiny.

Once we found out I was pregnant, I swore it would never come back. When I get stressed out or scared or depressed though, I just eat less. It's not a conscious decision. I just do. Once all this health stuff came out, I apparently started eating a lot less cuz at one of my appointments I was back down to 112. My low is 102. I started eating more immediately, and I'm now 116. Tiny, but healthy.

It's hard though. I refuse to let my addictions come back and take over because I don't want my girls to see that not eating/cutting is how I handle stress. And I don't want to get into the habit of hiding it, not that I can ever hide it from my husband anyway. I swear to god he's psychic or something.

 

[HellBunny]

Thankyou cowboys angel! doing abit better tonight, I'm not seeing the gain as such a bad thing, i'm no longer fasting and binging, its been over 3 weeks now! which i guess is why i have gained, but i'm telling myself its for my kids.. so that makes it better.
Lou that makes alot of sense! And its not offensive at all, these last 3 weeks i've known, is the first time i've been eating at set times, decent food rather than a measley cup a soup, J has been walking all week and i'm so glad i've had the energy to help him, rather than wondering what i will eat today, tomorrow and even friday! I feel somewhat guilty as before i never ate with him, it would be just J and o/h.. i'd be sat watching them.. jealous of the fact they can eat yet i can't and its only now i'm realising how much he is taking it in, we all ate dinner together and J kept walking over to me eating mine, Lol, now before he would of never been able to do that since all it would be was a cup soup or nothing!
I just hope in a few months time can keep this frame of mind, food isn't our enemy at all, its just my fallback.. something i can control, my escape from crap.

 

[cowboys angel]

HellBunny. You're doing so well!

 

[HellBunny]

Aww thankyou xx

 

[louandivy]

I agree, you are doing so well Sarah. Maybe this isn't the way for everyone but I think sometimes I need to be a little hard on myself when I am tempted to fall back into an anorexic behaviour - this isn't just about me anymore! Also, I want to live to see my daughter grow up! Doesn't anorexia have the highest death rate of any mental illness? That is not a risk I can take, I need to stay as healthy as I can for my little girl, even if the emotional fight is exhausting sometimes. I want Ivy to look back and remember her childhood as carefree, remember us enjoying big meals together and me always being present and not consumed by some horrible disease. We have been given the greatest chance to recover - I absolutely would not be this healthy if I had never accidently got pregnant, being healthy for myself wasn't enough because I hated myself, doing this for Ivy? My determination knows no bounds!

 

[cowboys angel]

I agree, you are doing so well Sarah. Maybe this isn't the way for everyone but I think sometimes I need to be a little hard on myself when I am tempted to fall back into an anorexic behaviour - this isn't just about me anymore! Also, I want to live to see my daughter grow up! Doesn't anorexia have the highest death rate of any mental illness? That is not a risk I can take, I need to stay as healthy as I can for my little girl, even if the emotional fight is exhausting sometimes. I want Ivy to look back and remember her childhood as carefree, remember us enjoying big meals together and me always being present and not consumed by some horrible disease. We have been given the greatest chance to recover - I absolutely would not be this healthy if I had never accidently got pregnant, being healthy for myself wasn't enough because I hated myself, doing this for Ivy? My determination knows no bounds!

I agree with you Lou. I didn't care enough about myself to fix myself for me. I couldn't even fight it for the person I thought I loved the most in this world. But I could for our baby that I conceived on accident. Ya know Lou, I think our 'accident babies' weren't an accident at all.

 

[HellBunny]

J was planned, yet i still ended back to the same crap after he was born i just think now though.. i remember bathing him one night, i went dizzy as i'd fasted.. god what if he had fallen back and i'd of fainted or something, it doesn't bare thinking about, knowing it was my fault... motivation to sort myself out!!! I will try sooo hard to make an effort to eat healthy once baby here.. will have 2 to run around after so will need all my energy!!

 

[HellBunny]

How is everyone? doing okay, i have a baby bump and i'm happy to see it! i have found first tri section triggering though, it is sooooo silly but seeing calorie numbers which are pretty low makes me wonder if i'm having too much. I won't let it get to me though.
I used to be part of a community, admitedly it used to be ProAna, but a lovely girl took over it and she banned anything pro-ana from being on there.. a few months ago i created a facebook page for the members to join.. i'm finding it triggering being on there so i'm hardly contributed but everyone congratulated me. I have two close friends on there.. one is recovering, and one is still ill with bulimia, i really feel for her and wonder how on earth she will get better.. I just feel so lucky i have a baby and one on the way and an amazing partner.. they are my motivation. Sorry its a long rant but basically thats on my mind!
I did weigh again this morning but again its not bothering me too badly.. i hope soon i can throw them away and never look back!!

 

[HellBunny]

I seem to be ranting again! Does anyone have a band they really used to associate with their ED? For me it was the Manic Street Preachers, someone tell me to shut up if i'm triggering anyone. Anyway i haven't listened to them for 5 weeks.. and now i'm crying, all their songs remind me of starving myself and making excuses and all sorts, i'm rambling bullshit but i feel so emotional its ridiculous! I'm not planning on resorting to my behaviours or anything its just an odd night thats all! I guess i no longer write in my ED journal, it was triggering so now i'm replacing those thoughts will positive ones, though i apologise this post isn't very positive!

 

[cowboys angel]

Yes but in a different light. As far as recovery goes.

Courage

 

[cowboys angel]

Spoiler

Spoiler

Spoiler

Staring deep into her eyes, she says softly, "You are beautiful. You are loved. You are wanted. Eat. Be strong. Be alive." The dull eyes stare back, full of hopelessness, full of tears, formed from the hurt of past years. Repeated over and over, now a refrain to the song of the past, "You're so ugly…no one loves you…go away…"
Her fingers slow, hesitant, tracing the outline of the face surrounding the eyes. "Please…you are beautiful. You are loved. You are wanted. Eat. Be strong. Be alive." The words became a mantra, her own eyes boring into their depths, she repeated, now faster and faster. A feeling of desperation to be believed seeped into her soul, though the look of disbelief never left the face she stared so desperately into. Food sat in-between the two, and she picked up a piece of apple, holding it out between them in her hand. "Please?" She reached out closer, her hand shaking, voice filling with tears. "Please??? Just take it…please?" Impatient, she sat the apple on her knee, the face looked down, staring listlessly at the apple piece. With a sigh, she reached out, and placed the apple in her hand. "Eat it. Please. For me?" Try as she might, she couldn't see past the pain and disbelief in her eyes. "You have to believe me. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are wanted. Eat. Be strong. Be alive," she repeated again, sure that if she only repeated it often enough, she would be believed.
She sat, silent, staring into those blue eyes, naturally so dark and deep, now, pale and dull. Lifeless. She stared into their glassy depths, trying to think past what she'd already said. Trying to find a way to put life into her eyes again. She continued repeating the memorized words, but could tell they weren't believed. They are empty words. Not nearly as meaningful as the ones that brought her to this point. An hour passes, and nothing changes in those eyes. No amount of repetition can make her believe how wonderful people think she is. Nothing can take away the years of hearing the opposite. Nothing can make her place that apple in her mouth.
Staring intently into her eyes, she picked up an orange slice, her favorite fruit. She broke the flesh, and held the orange slice near her face, where she could smell it. "You smell that? Doesn't it smell wonderful?" No response came, so she kept talking, "How can you ignore that? It's so strong, so sweet. Smells so tasty. Just eat it. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are wanted. Eat. Be strong. Be alive."
Those dulled blue eyes stare back blankly, disbelieving. She pleads "Believe me…you must…all the papers" she waves her hand behind her toward the scattered pamphlets, "say that if you would just believe…you could be better…you could be alive again…just…please…believe me…"
Quickly growing exasperated, desperate, she leapt up, and glared at her. "Why don't you believe me??? Why would I lie to you?? Just accept it!" She stood now also, her own eyes afire, mad that she was being harassed, and stared back silently, anger and pain intermingled behind her face, both covered a canvass with the words "ugly…unwanted…unloved…needy…stupid…wrong…" written across it. They stood facing each other, staring into each others eyes, hurt and anger mirrored between them.
Tears streamed her face as she begged, and streamed the cheeks before her also. Why wasn't this working? Why did all the tips in the pamphlets she'd been given lie? Where was the belief? Where was the truth? Why couldn't this mantra, "You are beautiful. You are loved. You are wanted. Eat. Be strong. Be alive," erase the canvass behind the hurt?
From outside a horn sounded. The bus had arrived for school. She wiped away those tears, and lifted her backpack to her shoulder. She picked up the plate of food, and stared at it for a moment, then hurled it into the mirror, shattering the glass, and left.

 

[LoloShells]

Can anyone in recovery tell me if recovery causes delayed lenses, even if while sick your period was really regular?

 

[Groovychick]

Yes, recovery can cause delayed menses as your bosy is re-adjusting to eating normally again.

 

[cowboys angel]

Rough couple of days....

 

[louandivy]

Oh no, whats wrong?

 

[cowboys angel]

It's not letting me post! Okay, now it is. That was weird. Kept saying my message was too short...

Spoiler

3 days ago woke up with the very strong desire to cut. Like to the point where when I started washing dishes all I could think about was using a knife or breaking a dish to use or something....

I cut for 6 years on a daily basis, if not more often. It has been 21 months. I really don't want to start that up again. I don't know what triggered it, it just happened. Better now, I can wash the dishes again (damn....lol).

I used to punish myself, when I would cut or want to cut. I wouldn't eat. If I just wanted to, I'd skip a meal. If I did, I wouldn't eat for 24 hours. I used to be able to go 2-3 days without eating. But after that day where I really really wanted to, I just stopped eating. Didn't eat for 18 hours. Then I was hungry and I did eat, but...I thought I was better! I didnt' even think about it, should I shouldn't I. I just did it. I thought I was better! I thought I had beat this! I've been eating again, haven't restricted again, but ugh.....

 

[Groovychick]

Do you have anyone you can speak to about this e.g. husband/partner/close friend? Next time you feel this way, confide in them and explain to them why you feel the need to hurt yourself. Grab a cuddle, good book or a relaxing bath. Reflect on how it made you feel and have measures in place to help you focus on something other than self-destructive behaviours.

I used to punish myself when I felt destructive, but in fact needed to take care of myself. I felt a nice, bubbly bath really helped me to chill and relax. Stay positive.