F.A.I.T.H. (Forsaking all, I trust Him)

[Deb111]

I always feel like I absolutely cannot go on on these days. and now, I feel we've had several "perfect" conception cycles and I fear there is something wrong. at least we have the RE appointment this week...that is some light at the end of the tunnel. but to be honest - I feel hopeless. I lose faith in God for one day each month.

I lose faith often too - "why me? ... what have I done wrong?" enters my head often I feel like I'm being punished .. it's not like I'm asking to win the lottery ... just to be able to do something that millions of people do everyday at the drop of a hat ... the most natural thing a woman can do ...

 

[groovygrl]

must be crisis of faith week

I'm having a mammoth crisis of faith today. I have written and re-written this post and now I just sit and let the tears fall off my chin.

I deleted most of the post because I believe you all understand. It sounds like we all go there.

Please Jesus? I don't want to believe it's all...random. I want to believe in perfect plans. Please teach me how to give it all to you. I'm trying but I need you to help me 'cus it's not happening. I'm still holding on to my plans, my dreams. I know leaving it up to you is the best thing to do but why am I suffering and twisting and curled up in a ball? I'm so sick of all these: vitamins,thermometers,waiting, hoping,guessing,marks on the calendar, potions, lotions,legs in the air, no coffee drinking days Lord.

How is it that there are so many women who are facing crisis of wishing they weren't pregnant and the rest of us are on our knees begging? Ya, I'm not understanding the plans Lord. Please help me to let it go. Please help me trust you and please give me faith and hope..........AMEN

p.s. I've ben trying to eat alkaline all week (only fruit and vegies and nuts and seeds and lemon water) Now I've got the 'poopy-doopsters' so I'm going to make myself a grand cup of coffee and a peanut butter and jam sandwhich. okay? please don't let it kill the spermy's? okay?.....AMEN

p.p.s. Please can all my friends here (and me too) have a healthy pregnancy that results in a healthy baby that grows to be a healthy child that grows up to glorify you and do really good and special things to honour your creation? In the meantime, can you please dry their tears?...Really, AMEN

 

[somedaymama]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time groovygrl.

This verse gets quoted a lot:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

It's a great...but sometimes I forget to keep reading...

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and will bring you back from captivity."

 

[groovygrl]

thank you someday I know you have difficult days too and for that I am also sorry.

it just all becomes a bit much sometimes. The verse you quoted was perfect for me now. Especially the second part!

I know that I'll have everyone's support and understanding if I retreat from here for just a wee while. I am still struggling with grief since my MMC last month and I have been dealing with a bit of anxiety and obsessive compulsive stuff. I am going to try to give it to Lord and step away from TTC and baby discussions. I am really neglecting some important areas of my life that are important to my balance and I'm spending hours on BnB instead. I'm not sure if I am healthy in this? Anyhoo, just need a bit of time to figure it out.

I do know that the love, support, the prayers, the fellowship and friendship are healthy and sooooo wonderful to be a part of so I'll be back soon (you can snicker if it's next week 'cus it might be )

I have come to love you all and you will all remain in my heart and in my prayers

 

[groovygrl]

yup, this is where you snicker

just wanted to share something with you guys.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EieDEB1ddMU

 

[aussiettc]

hi girls. i need a buddy i have no one to talk to here as all my family live interstate and so do DH's family. Its so hard sometime cause even when i get my BFP i have no one to help with the kids. I have to get a babysitter every time i need to do anything where the kids can get in the way if you know what i mean.

On another note i look to this site everyday for hope and if we cant give each other hope when we fail to find it our selvees then what hope is ther for any of us.

I'm having issues at the momennt because we have been activly TTC since december2009 but not preventing anything since DS2 was born in November2008. i wonder whether i should see someone about it or just wait for a while longer cause on my mc last month. So confused and all alone. My faith is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes, and even then it waivers to almost non existant like last month.

Sorry about this but i really needed to vent and get this off my chest. i have a plan to keep me from obsessing about ttc though. i have 2 choc labs that are getting about the age for breeding for instead of obsessing about my fertility i'll start on them and finally get off my bottom and set up my breeding kennel properly.

 

[Aaisrie]

I know what you girls mean about other people all being preg. Today in town it seemed EVERYONE was pregnant. There was a woman in front of me in the queue in one store who had 2 young kids and she was pregnant and she was screaming at the wee boy (who was SO BADLY BEHAVED) he was taking all the stuff out of the boxes by the tills, he was trying to climb on the counter, screaming, swinging on the metal bar that made the queue and she just kept screaming at him to "come here" which he blatantly ignored... and it just makes you wonder - why does she get that?! Why is she so fertile? She can't even look after what she has?!??

 

[mrskcbrown]

@groovygirl: Yes this must be crisis week!

I went to the DR today and did a urine test, of course not pregnant. So I shared that with DH and I told him how the appointment went. Well he just says, "we will do IUI, and I dont want to discuss anything about it anymore". So I said well I dont think thats fair, seeing that we are in this together. So basically he didnt come out and say it but he is blaming me kinda for not getting a BFP this month because i missed like 2 days of my meds. I didnt do it purposely and other months I have missed too but he just didnt know. After all that I have been through trying to get this BFP, all he can do is further blame me, like I dont feel like crap already?!
All I wanted was a hug from him, and for him to tell me he has my back in this, but instead I get the cold shoulder? He then proceeds to tell me that maybe I should get on birth control, then miss a few days and try to get bfp that way, instead of taking my metformin and clomid. He said that because I got BFP with my daughter like that,(not purposefully) who is not his biological child. I told him I absolutely refuse to. Some days I feel like he is with me in this and other days I do not, hence the reason why I dont share much about it with him.

Its not my fault that we cant conceive.

The bright side is that I put in a prayer request at my church yesterday, asking for God to make this a bit easier for us and to help us conceive a child. Well one of the pastors called me today and personally told me that she will be praying for us, and that even when it gets rough and I dont feel like praying know that she is in my corner going to bat for me. She told me she has several friends going through this so she knows the pain that I feel. So that made me feel a bit better.

I dont know if any of you have heard the song below but its exactly how Im feeling right now. Im so sad, and I feel like a failure.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

 

[Aaisrie]

MrsKC that really sucks, he should have your back on this. It's a partnership. How can he blame you??? That's so unfair, I can't even think of any other words for it. I totally understand what you mean, and how you feel on "just wanting a hug". Just remember, the devil is using this to drive a wedge between you guys, to push you apart when you need to be pulling together. Did you tell him how you felt? Did you tell him you needed a hug and needed his support right now??

 

[mrskcbrown]

MrsKC that really sucks, he should have your back on this. It's a partnership. How can he blame you??? That's so unfair, I can't even think of any other words for it. I totally understand what you mean, and how you feel on "just wanting a hug". Just remember, the devil is using this to drive a wedge between you guys, to push you apart when you need to be pulling together. Did you tell him how you felt? Did you tell him you needed a hug and needed his support right now??

I wanted to but I didnt know how to approach it, the whole subject. When he insisted I take birth control, I was pissed, and sad at the same time. He is in school now, so I guess I will address it when he gets home. He saw the pain in my face, he knows me well. He is a believer as well and when I tell him that its the devil and that he is losing his faith and to try not to, he tells me that Im trying to use reverse psychology on him??!! But when I start to lack faith in something then he starts to tell me all this bible stuff. I wrote everything down and when we go to counseling on March 31, im going to let it all out, so that we are in a neutral space and I can actually get it out and he actually understand what Im saying.

I had to repent because I told God that I hate him and that I no longer wanted to be here with him.

please pray for me!

 

[Aaisrie]

I don't like to say it, but I'm gonna - that's men!!! They don't get it, they never will get it - they can't understand the emotional aspect for us of TTC. So they suggest stupid stuff like going on BCP!! It's not an excuse, they really don't understand. They can long for a child but they don't have the same emotions as us, they don't work the same way. You don't even need to go into a big conversation with him. If you don't think you can word it right or if you feel it might turn into an argument - write it down. Write down how you feel and just say to him "I don't want to talk about this, I just wanted you to know how I feel". Tell him how hard you are finding it, give him the benefit of the doubt and let him know you understand that he is finding it hard to but that you need a hug, you need his support and that you're really upset. I'm getting the feeling that there is a lack of good communication between you, I don't mean that you guys don't talk but that you are saying something and he's taking it as something else and vice versa. That you are on two different wavelengths? Counselling sounds like a really good idea. And you are on my prayer list

 

[Dipar_Butt3]

but Dipar - we are here as sisters to encourage and give one another hope. that as each bfn cycle passes, the Lord still has a beautiful plan for us and our lives. we should never stop doing that for one another.

Dahlia,

I understand that..But sometimes i have to wonder how people take what i say and not think i'm being to wrong or "negitive" about it..I've always tell people not to give up. Like for example. If i mention about the symptoms i had durning ttc. Ok somebody would say something like..Well I'll try my best not to "symptom spot" because of A, B or C. But if somebody else said the same thing.. Ohh yea I don't see a problem with that, we all do it! I got that in this group and that is why i said I have to be careful of what I put online any more.

But we do need to support each other and pray for one another as sisters

 

[mrskcbrown]

I don't like to say it, but I'm gonna - that's men!!! They don't get it, they never will get it - they can't understand the emotional aspect for us of TTC. So they suggest stupid stuff like going on BCP!! It's not an excuse, they really don't understand. They can long for a child but they don't have the same emotions as us, they don't work the same way. You don't even need to go into a big conversation with him. If you don't think you can word it right or if you feel it might turn into an argument - write it down. Write down how you feel and just say to him "I don't want to talk about this, I just wanted you to know how I feel". Tell him how hard you are finding it, give him the benefit of the doubt and let him know you understand that he is finding it hard to but that you need a hug, you need his support and that you're really upset. I'm getting the feeling that there is a lack of good communication between you, I don't mean that you guys don't talk but that you are saying something and he's taking it as something else and vice versa. That you are on two different wavelengths? Counselling sounds like a really good idea. And you are on my prayer list

You are so right Aaisirie. I wrote it down in an email. I told him exactly how I feel and how I felt that he acted towards me. I told him that I need his support and that he is allowing the devil to place a wedge between us. Yes our communication is off, hence our counseling sessions. We NEED it, and I suggested it and he complied. I told him he doesnt have to talk about it but I had to let him know because I was not going to bed without getting it out to him. Thanks for helping me sort through that. Thanks for your prayers!

 

[Aaisrie]

No problem!! I'm SO glad you were able to voice how you felt. I'm glad you were able to get it off your chest and that he took on board what you were saying. Communication is so important in relationships and it's hard because women and men communicate in such different ways and while we, as women, try to understand where they're coming from I find a LOT of men (not all!) don't reciprocate with trying to understand us!! Chris, my OH, is just as bad. He can't have a conversation with me about things because it always turns into an argument. He isn't a believer which makes it hard for me at times. Even the other week, when God gave me that money and I told him about it he kept saying "Gordy gave it to you, not God".

I'm here if you need to talk more

 

[willbamom1day]

The good thing is God knows what we think or say before it's ever done - remember he created you. We have to go throught the rain to get to the rainbow right? Just think of this as your going through time and at the end you will be victorious and the rainbow will be yours.

God does not punish us, He only wants good for us. We need to lean and rely on Him.

My hubby and I have been praying for our miracle for 16 cycles now and the other day this came to me.......

Be still and know that I am God

The Lord is my shepard I shall not want

and after prayer, fasting and meditation on this I knew everything would be okay if I would just trust and rely on God and his timing for He is telling me wait on me I am your God and with me you will want for nothing and that includes the baby we have been praying for.

All good things come to those who wait besides it feels so much better to earn something than it does for it to be handed to you.

Many blessings for today and always

 

[Aaisrie]

I don't understand why God allows my desire for a baby to get stronger and stronger, to the point where it feels like it's gonna kill me. I've asked him time and time again to take the desire away unless he's going to give it to me and he doesn't. It feels like torture. I don't understand?!

 

[mrskcbrown]

I don't understand why God allows my desire for a baby to get stronger and stronger, to the point where it feels like it's gonna kill me. I've asked him time and time again to take the desire away unless he's going to give it to me and he doesn't. It feels like torture. I don't understand?!

Hey Aaisirie

Yesterday when he came home from school he was very apologetic and told me that he is on board 100%. He just doesnt understand how people with our same situation are getting BFP. He thinks that they are doing something different. I told him, on these shows like baby story, birth day, deliver me, and etc, they dont show the storms that people go through. We only get to see the rosy side of their situation. Yeah they may mention it but they dont discuss how many cycles it took them to get that BFP!

So we hugged and made up. Just what I wanted and he was better. I know he gets frustrated about it and he says he hates to see me take all these meds which he feels is for nothing if we are not getting BFP. Well this month we are going to be more proactive in trying. I mightchart. DO you start to chart the day after your period ends or what? Im clueless.

He will give you a baby Aasirie, just like your DD. I believe that. We all know how hard it is, but he will, he will. I have to tell myself that as well, because I get discouraged too! Praying for you hun!

@willbeamom1day: You are so right about waiting on God. This is a test and not a cruel joke from God. The pastor cleared that up for me. I believe if he gives you the desire then He is well able to fulfill it.

Hope everyone has a great day!

 

[Dahlia]

Thanks so much Willba. Also, this whole ttc thing has been very trying on our relationship (dh)...as it seems for a lot of you. Anyway, our pastor recently spoke about how you have to "cheat your children"...meaning, your spouse should come first in your life...it matters more to children that you have a loving committed marriage than it does how many classes/sports/lessons you take them to. basically - don't put your children first. the order should be God, spouse, children, etc.

well, I realized yesterday, that we don't even have children and I am putting our "future children" in a higher importance than my dh. it means more to me to get pregnant than it does my dh's happiness right now. i have been giving him nothing - just letting myself become completely consumed by ttc and put him not even on the back burner - took him completely off the stove.

so. the Lord convicted me of that last night. and wow...I realized i totally want my marriage more than I want children. my marriage will come first from this point forward - I'm so glad my eyes have been opened. and if the Lord blesses us with biological children - I will be overjoyed...if we adopt, i will be esctatic. but either way, DH is above our ttc efforts.

 

[cheerios]

Hi girls! How are you all today?

I had to test today because I was getting really nausea, headache and just bad bad "pregnancy-like" symptoms. Its BFN. But I knew it already. Its just my Metformin giving me all this crazy stuff. And I´m not even on my full dosage yet. As I write this, it is much better, almost not there anymore. Its really REALLY bad in the morning and sometimes in the evening. Blah.

Was so upset before that I even cried on the phone while calling hubby to complain..... Somehow in the midst of surfing the net and getting my mind off stuff, I felt better again....

Just want to share with a verse I read recently, "... for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength" Phil 4:11-13

I´ve been looking at my NTNP journey from last year until now and it feels like I´m always pining for the next stage. From no AF - to AF - to no AF again, from one doc´s visit - to the doc´s letter - to the medication - to getting over side effects of medication etc..... The journey never ends!!!!!

So yes, I want to try to be content, no matter how I feel or how many times I feel like puking in the middle of my class - I´m a teacher too, btw. Just have to think of how much I wanted to take Metformin and now I wish I never had to take it!

MrsKCBrown - I´m sooo glad that you and your hubby made up. And I want to thank you for your transparency for sharing your heart with us. It is a very tiring and trying try to TTC. But I think this is really a time when we all can work on our marriages.

Family consists of hubby-and-wife. Children don´t complete a family, they add to the family....that´s something I´m still trying to get my head around.

Aaisrie - I understand what you mean about desire for children. I honestly never had the desire for children, UNTIL I realized that I had all this PCOS crap that made me feel nervous about wanting to have kids.... I´ve asked God to take away the desire to have kids, UNTIL He wants to bless me with some....but it doesn´t seem to be working! Now, when I see a pregnant woman, I actually say in an audible voice "I surrender this desire to you Lord, pls help me."

 

[mrskcbrown]

Hi girls! How are you all today?

I had to test today because I was getting really nausea, headache and just bad bad "pregnancy-like" symptoms. Its BFN. But I knew it already. Its just my Metformin giving me all this crazy stuff. And I´m not even on my full dosage yet. As I write this, it is much better, almost not there anymore. Its really REALLY bad in the morning and sometimes in the evening. Blah.

Was so upset before that I even cried on the phone while calling hubby to complain..... Somehow in the midst of surfing the net and getting my mind off stuff, I felt better again....

Just want to share with a verse I read recently, "... for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength" Phil 4:11-13

I´ve been looking at my NTNP journey from last year until now and it feels like I´m always pining for the next stage. From no AF - to AF - to no AF again, from one doc´s visit - to the doc´s letter - to the medication - to getting over side effects of medication etc..... The journey never ends!!!!!

So yes, I want to try to be content, no matter how I feel or how many times I feel like puking in the middle of my class - I´m a teacher too, btw. Just have to think of how much I wanted to take Metformin and now I wish I never had to take it!

MrsKCBrown - I´m sooo glad that you and your hubby made up. And I want to thank you for your transparency for sharing your heart with us. It is a very tiring and trying try to TTC. But I think this is really a time when we all can work on our marriages.

Family consists of hubby-and-wife. Children don´t complete a family, they add to the family....that´s something I´m still trying to get my head around.

Aaisrie - I understand what you mean about desire for children. I honestly never had the desire for children, UNTIL I realized that I had all this PCOS crap that made me feel nervous about wanting to have kids.... I´ve asked God to take away the desire to have kids, UNTIL He wants to bless me with some....but it doesn´t seem to be working! Now, when I see a pregnant woman, I actually say in an audible voice "I surrender this desire to you Lord, pls help me."

@dahlia: you are so right! We cannot put this TTC thing before our husbands. DH and I pray together and read scripture every morning. Today we read Colossians and it spoke about love and being humble and about changing our attitudes. You have the right idea. Children will come to you, sooner than later. Then one day we will be able to testify and say, "look how the Lord has blessed me" and be able to share our stories.]

@cheerios: yes God fixed us once again. Over and over he does it. Isnt he awesome!!!?? My metformin gave me the blues this morning at about 3 am. I cant take it during the day. I pooped (tmi) and threw up this morning!!! Im going to stick with it because when I do it doesnt bother me as much. I had gotten off track with it and so now I am back on full force! I am destined and determined to get this BFP!

My goals this month is to chart, use preseed or conceive plus, check my cervical position, do opks and take all my meds! Ive never done almost any of these so I guess its no better time than the present to try. Anyone use preseed or conceive plus before??