Fed up of being made to feel guilty about formula feeding!

[Eve]

There are nicer ways to put things on here though. I find we come on here and state our facts that we as bfers know well and act like they don't as how could they possibly know and still FF. We, as well informed women should help those unsure on how they will feed, or those needing support to get through it. We do not need to educate and throw around facts to someone who has already made their decision, be it by choice or not. I do also feel FFers should be more supportive towards bfing. When someone comes in the FF section unsure try and be supportive of both methods, not just the "I switched etc... it doesn't matter" We all need to come together and stop being defensive and judgmental and pushy.

But as I said before, often it is the interpretation of what is said which causes the problem, rather than the actual words themselves. What I read earlier was simply some facts as printed by WHO. It was relevant to a point being made. There was no malice, or judgement, or any inference that anyone who would choose not to BF were wrong. And it doesn't matter how that sort of information is given out, if someone already has feelings of guilt etc because they FF, that will re-inforce those feelings. It is less to do with the facts and more to do with a personal insecurity. As far as I can see on this thread - and on most others on this subject, there is rarely any out and out judgement. In my personal experience, many of the FFers I have met in person tend to jump in and be defensive, as soon as they hear I was a Bfer. It is a little annoying to me that they would think I would cast judgement, but I do understand why they think they have to do that. In reality though, I don't think they have to and most people couldn't give a toss why people choose to feed their babies in their own way.

Oh I am not just talking about this thread by no means. I mean in general, we always usually end up coming in and mentioning the benefits of breastfeeding even when not needed. Again, I didn't mean one specific person or anything and I am not saying it to be mean or malicious towards anyone. I did it too, with the commenting. Someone wants to rant about how they are made feel guilty, and seriously when someone who isn't a ffer reads the title, why would they want to come in? Not saying people can't, or shouldn't but if no advice to the OP is able to be given, there really wouldn't be a need to comment on it... and again, am guilty of it too. I just think we all need to support each other. I've just read on here somewhere you get more flies with honey I want to see more women breastfeed, and I wish every woman would try at least, and it would be great if everyone could produce enough, understand and know what is needed on the subject, all have proper support and equal upbringings but that can't and won't happen and I think we need to build a bridge together and be happy and thankful our babies have nice full bellies and feel loved and cared for

 

[Eve]

on the separating them... my god! What a terrible way to do things

 

[Nic1107]

Foogirl- it's good that no one can make you feel guilty. I just wish it was that easy for all of us, and it's not something we can all switch off. I don't even think it's that facts that bother me as much as people (not you) telling me how I'd ought to feel about it! I seek out the facts- because a) I want to succeed in BF-ing if I ever have another kid, b) if someone I knew had trouble or questions, I'd rather be the one helping them to BF rather than the one handing them a bottle and saying it's no big deal, and c) I like facts, I'm a deeply curious sort of person. I just get sick of the inevitable people coming in armed with facts and "no offense"es, typing around a happily nursing baby, when we just want to be left alone sometimes. People can and do call it jealousy, willful ignorance, oversensitivity and more- and when we're feeling all those things, the last thing we need is to see those words glaring at us in neon and people to say "Well, it's not my fault you're jealous, don't hate on me, you know I get looks for feeding in public and it's not all roses for us either!"

I'd rather have a baby on my boob, getting dirty looks and rising above it because I know my baby is getting exactly what I wanted her to have, than be feeding a bottle, being ignored and sinking below it knowing, inside myself, that it's not how I wanted it to be. That's just me though. And a lot of other people actually, and sometimes we just want to snuggle here and moan to each other in peace. I know people- myself included- have taken the fight to other sections when the feelings were brand new and raw- I apologize for that, and ask that when the inevitable new mom does the same thing, just be kind and realize she's not in a good place mentally at that moment.

 

[Eve]

Foogirl- it's good that no one can make you feel guilty. I just wish it was that easy for all of us, and it's not something we can all switch off. I don't even think it's that facts that bother me as much as people (not you) telling me how I'd ought to feel about it! I seek out the facts- because a) I want to succeed in BF-ing if I ever have another kid, b) if someone I knew had trouble or questions, I'd rather be the one helping them to BF rather than the one handing them a bottle and saying it's no big deal, and c) I like facts, I'm a deeply curious sort of person. I just get sick of the inevitable people coming in armed with facts and "no offense"es, typing around a happily nursing baby, when we just want to be left alone sometimes. People can and do call it jealousy, willful ignorance, oversensitivity and more- and when we're feeling all those things, the last thing we need is to see those words glaring at us in neon and people to say "Well, it's not my fault you're jealous, don't hate on me, you know I get looks for feeding in public and it's not all roses for us either!"

I'd rather have a baby on my boob, getting dirty looks and rising above it because I know my baby is getting exactly what I wanted her to have, than be feeding a bottle, being ignored and sinking below it knowing, inside myself, that it's not how I wanted it to be. That's just me though. And a lot of other people actually, and sometimes we just want to snuggle here and moan to each other in peace. I know people- myself included- have taken the fight to other sections when the feelings were brand new and raw- I apologize for that, and ask that when the inevitable new mom does the same thing, just be kind and realize she's not in a good place mentally at that moment.

 

[Foogirl]

on the separating them... my god! What a terrible way to do things

Not sure about "separation" but in the wards and in SCBU, whenever I was feeding the nurses would pull the curtain or pull round a screen. It was for privacy as first time nursing mums can feel embarrassed or intimidated, more by male visitors to the ward, than by other women on the ward, maybe this is why they do it. I certainly hope so!

Foogirl- it's good that no one can make you feel guilty. I just wish it was that easy for all of us, and it's not something we can all switch off.

I'm not being facetious, but have you tried it? I mean really tried it? I only ask because I used to be like that and was constantly worried about what people would think about pretty much everything and felt guilty at the slightest thing. I only encourage people to really try the same because I can't emphasise enough, what a difference it made to my life, and how liberating it was to finally say "fekk 'em" and decide I knew best what suited me in any given situation and that my reasons were my own business.

I'd rather have a baby on my boob, getting dirty looks and rising above it because I know my baby is getting exactly what I wanted her to have, than be feeding a bottle, being ignored and sinking below it knowing, inside myself, that it's not how I wanted it to be. That's just me though. And a lot of other people actually, and sometimes we just want to snuggle here and moan to each other in peace. I know people- myself included- have taken the fight to other sections when the feelings were brand new and raw- I apologize for that, and ask that when the inevitable new mom does the same thing, just be kind and realize she's not in a good place mentally at that moment.

I do understand all this. The reason I came into this thread (not forgetting it was posted in Baby Club) was because I hate that anyone feels guilty for making this choice, especially when it is a choice they made with a heavy heart or the choice was made for them. I don't think at any point, I brought up the facts about breastmilk, just commented on how A) using a certain description was more accurate and potentially less explosive, in my opinion and B)when it comes to campaigning, I don't think there is anything the NHS or WHO can do to encourage more women to breastfeed without offending or upsetting women in your situation. I'm genuinely interested to see if there is a way that it could be done, if you have any suggestions!

 

[Nic1107]

Oh yeah, I was going to say this before but then I took a shower and forgot

Foogirl, really didn't mean you specifically when I mentioned people telling me how they would or wouldn't feel, your post just kind of reminded me of it. Back quite awhile ago when Carmen was really small, I was in a thread and a certain group of people (some of whom have since left the forum) who had always EBF told me that if they couldn't BF, they certainly wouldn't feel xyz about it because they'd just remind themselves that abc and so feel lmnop about it instead. That pissed me off, because they had no point of reference to know how they'd feel, and just assumed they'd handle it better than me because ____?

You do have a point of reference, as you were very nearly with us over here. Maybe you couldn't know your feelings in my situation, or that girl's over there, but you know yours and I can't begin to imagine how it was for you. I apologize if in any way I belittled your experience, I really didn't mean to at all. I'm really glad BFing worked out for you in the end too, you're an inspiration for so many reasons!

 

[Nic1107]

lol, We posted at the same time. No, I have no idea for suggestions for the NHS or WHO; I know things aren't the same here and it seems to be a more comfortable environment, but I also know how un-clued-in women here seem to be about BF (the rates are getting higher, but a lot of women are still unsure why it's beneficial) so I'm at a loss too. But then, I'm the last person to ask for wording anything in the best way!

 

[Eve]

I wonder if it's been tried... by them... you know?

 

[aliss]

There's no way to do it without offending at least somebody, I think that's just life. I've noticed a lot of misinformation about BF here (because this isn't really discussed in my real life, lol) and even correcting that information often causes a flurry. So what can anyone do? And yes nic I know what you mean about those who say they would not feel guilt if they hadn't been there. Maybe not, but maybe so. I haven't really heard of many women intended to BF and didn't, who did not have some regret or guilt. I don't think that's a BF/FF thing, but rather just a regret that we didn't complete something that we had hoped for.

 

[Eve]

I know it would be impossible to not have at least one person offended when it comes to BF-FF but it would be nice to try and work towards some kind of understanding I don't know... I just hate seeing so much judgment on here, not just with BF-FF kwim? Makes coming on here not fun some days

 

[aliss]

I know it would be impossible to not have at least one person offended when it comes to BF-FF but it would be nice to try and work towards some kind of understanding I don't know... I just hate seeing so much judgment on here, not just with BF-FF kwim? Makes coming on here not fun some days

Here, I don't think it will happen. Even if we all came to some sort of understanding, you'll always have a new crowd with new opinions, from all perspectives. Some come from places were FF is the norm, some come from places where BF is the norm, and then you always have zealots on each side (and by that I mean those with really downright nasty comments). So I suppose it really is up to us to spread correct information, perhaps take a bit of a beating from some, and hold our heads up high that perhaps someone misinformed read what we wrote!

 

[Foogirl]

Oh yeah, I was going to say this before but then I took a shower and forgot

Foogirl, really didn't mean you specifically when I mentioned people telling me how they would or wouldn't feel, your post just kind of reminded me of it. Back quite awhile ago when Carmen was really small, I was in a thread and a certain group of people (some of whom have since left the forum) who had always EBF told me that if they couldn't BF, they certainly wouldn't feel xyz about it because they'd just remind themselves that abc and so feel lmnop about it instead. That pissed me off, because they had no point of reference to know how they'd feel, and just assumed they'd handle it better than me because ____?

You do have a point of reference, as you were very nearly with us over here. Maybe you couldn't know your feelings in my situation, or that girl's over there, but you know yours and I can't begin to imagine how it was for you. I apologize if in any way I belittled your experience, I really didn't mean to at all. I'm really glad BFing worked out for you in the end too, you're an inspiration for so many reasons!

Absolutely no offense taken. One of the upsides of not giving a toss about what people say, and remembering most are well meaning, is that I rarely get offended! I'm not totally heartless though, as your words brought a lump to my throat and a tear to my eye. So thank you very much for your praise. It is nice to be appreciated from time to time.

 

[New2Bumps]

It's sad because it's just as special as BF if you ask me....feeding a child is a very strong bonding experience, wether it be via a bottle or breast....I love snuggle time when i feed Dylan his bottle, i stroke his hair, face and hold hands. He just stares into my eyes and I always feel so much love during this time.

Couldn't agree more, love love love feeding Ethan.

Had so many problems trying to bf (won't go over them all here, but they were far ranging!). Ended up expressing for a month and topping up with formula. Ethan has just gone 1 and has had his first cough and cold this week. So, miraculously, without breastmilk my child is very healthy and bright!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think my guilt eased as I have a wide circle of friends who all had diff. experiences with BFing. My friend exclusively breastfed for 10 months and her child has been poorly more than Ethan, and has the same circle of friends as me, same circumstances (no nursery etc) so it's not all down to the health benefits of BFing, I believe that a good immune system is dependant on many factors.

Lots of this is down to each baby and each pair of breasts!

It's a shame because my whole experience has really altered my view on bfing my next baby.
I love how things have turned out with Ethan and can see it was 100% the right path for us. I'm so glad he had my milk the first month, and who knows what a difference it may or may not have made to him, but I love what FFing has bought us also. I'm more sad that the times I did manage to bf him (apart from the very first time) they were stressful, painful and emotional.

 

[Eala]

See, I would take a lot of the money that currently goes into "campaigning for mums to BF" and plug it into training BF supporters/counsellors, setting up support and outreach programmes, or hiring more midwives or support staff.

I was given bucketloads of information about BF'ing when I was pregnant, even after already saying that it was what I intended to do. Some of it was nothing short of propaganda, things like DVDs with Mums going on about how their BF child was never ill, about how they'd never feel as close to their baby if they'd used a bottle etc etc. Or when the MW sat and listed the supposed "Pros and cons" of BF/FF, and there was nothing bad about BF and nothing good about FF!

I would have happily traded all of the above for someone with proper training, who understood my situation in the early days. As opposed to people treating me like a menace for buzzing and asking for help. As opposed to other women just grabbing my boob and my baby, and slamming her mouth onto me. As opposed to a midwife telling me that if I left the hospital too soon, BF'ing would fail and I'd be a failure already. As opposed to a girl who looked about 12 being brought into my home (without my permission or knowledge as to who she was) who then spent hours pinching and tickling my sleeping baby to try and wake her (so she'd feed), and telling me that if LO hadn't fed after X hours then I should go to A&E, as obviously my giving her a bottle of formula had done something bad (said bottle had been given after cracking at 7am when she just would not feed from me, and all of us including DH were sobbing).

I don't feel guilty anymore, but I do feel regretful, and I feel angry that all the money seems to have gone into pushing this "breast is best" message (which even the LLL and NCT have agreed isn't the right approach). But there is no money to provide proper support post-natally.

Sorry, slightly off-topic, obviously had a rant waiting to come out

 

[summer rain]

ITA with the above post

 

[Foogirl]

ITA with the above post

Me too. I'd add there should be more money spent on support for feeding generally. There are too many myths and misconceptions around the subject and both bfers and ffers can get very lost with it all.

 

[Eve]

 

[bubbles123]

I agree entirely with Eala

 

[GossipGirly]

me 2 x

 

[KellyC75]

Dont feel guilty at all

I f/f DS1 from birth, I b/f DS2 until he was approx 3 months

DS1 has always been (touch wood) very healthy, I could probably count on my hands the number of times he's been poorly & he is 18 years old now!

DS2 has had no end of infections since he was little, from ear infections to tonsilitus (many times)

Now, I know that this may not have anything to do with how they are fed as LO's....Im just saying

I am currently b/f my Daughter, but due to engorgement, blocked ducts & now mastitus...I am weaning her onto formula very soon