Feedback from only children

[teacup]

Hi Everyone!

I am very happy with my daughter, she has just turned two and is sleeping through the night, plays happily and is lots of fun. But now all my mummy friends are having their second babies, and I am not sure I could cope with another. I have just felt like our lives have reached a perfect harmony as the three of us, and worry that another baby might tip us into chaos. I am a little broody again though (damn hormones!) so wanted some advice please to help me with my decision.

I grew up as one of four children (the youngest), so I have no idea what it feels like to grow up as an only child. I was wondering if people could please share their own experiences as only children, to give me an idea of how things could be for my daughter if she was an only child.

Were you happy as an only child? Did your friends become like your siblings? Were you confident? Did you wish you had siblings, or are you glad you didn't? Thank you!

 

[ktod]

I'm an only child and I hate it. Obviously I realise just because you have a sibling it doesn't always mean you'll get along or be close but I would have liked that relationship.

My friends didn't become like siblings (they have there own siblings) and I wasn't confident. I don't particularly blame that on being and only child though because there were a lot of other issues going on in my childhood which probably contributed to that.

i think it's also sad that my children won't have any aunties/uncles/cousins from me either. I didn't want my son to be an only child and I would prefer not to be.

 

[teacup]

I'm an only child and I hate it. Obviously I realise just because you have a sibling it doesn't always mean you'll get along or be close but I would have liked that relationship.

My friends didn't become like siblings (they have there own siblings) and I wasn't confident. I don't particularly blame that on being and only child though because there were a lot of other issues going on in my childhood which probably contributed to that.

i think it's also sad that my children won't have any aunties/uncles/cousins from me either. I didn't want my son to be an only child and I would prefer not to be.

Thanks for sharing your experience! It really helps to hear what it was like for those growing up as only children, as my husband and I both have siblings. My daughter gets very jealous when I hold another baby or talk to another child, so I also worry about sibling rivalry if I had another.

 

[staralfur]

I'm an only child and I've gone back and forth on whether or not I wanted my LO to be an only child, but ultimately I do not really want another child and I don't think it's right to have another just for the sake of my LO having a sibling.

I have both good and bad experiences with being an only child as I'm sure people with siblings do.

On the bad side:

I was lonely at times growing up, but my parents also both worked 12-16 hours a day from home so that didn't help. The days that they could/did make an effort to make the evenings and weekends fun were fine, I enjoyed spending time with my parents and never longed for a sibling when I was spending time with them.

As an adult I am quite sad that once my mom passes away (my dad has already passed) I'll be on my own.

Not having an extra close family member to share experiences with, to talk to, to have a close bond with (though of course there are people who have siblings who don't feel they have this, either).

The good things:

I never wanted for much, my parents could put all of their resources/time towards me and what I wanted to do instead of splitting it amongst multiple children.

My mom is my best friend, always has been. I can't say for sure that wouldn't be the case if I had siblings but the fact that we have a relationship unique to each other and the time to foster that relationship with only each other certainly doesn't hurt!

I've always been fiercely independent and totally happy in my own company since I spent a lot of time by myself. I never need anyone to entertain me, I don't get lonely easily, and am good at doing my own thing.

All in all I'd say I enjoy being an only child. I have had mostly positive experiences. As I said, I did get lonely sometimes growing up and there were certainly times I wished I had a brother or sister but I'm sure kids with brothers and sisters also wish they were only children sometimes!

I did have lots of close friends growing up and my parents would often let me invite them on weekend trips and stuff which was pretty cool (for my friends too I bet!).

I think it is well within your power to make sure that being an only child isn't a lonely experience for your daughter. Having been through it myself I know I need to make the extra effort to spend time with my daughter when her friends aren't around and to try to include her friends in things when I can.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I am not an only child. But I have a terrible relationship with my siblings lol. Pros and cons x

 

[LDC]

I'm an only child and I knew from that, that I didn't want my child to be an only child.

I was lucky in the fact that we got to go abroad and things every year which we wouldn't have been able to do if I had a sibling as my parents wouldn't have been able to afford it.

Don't get me wrong, I don't look back and hate my childhood or anything but I just remember having no one to play with and feeling lonely some of the time. My parents weren't active in playing with me so I remember that a lot.

My mother also died when I and she were young (I was 20) and that was harder to deal with when I had no one who I could talk with as such, who could understand.

I am massively independent though and that stems from the way I was raised and that I did a lot by myself, which is actually a good thing, especially after my mum passed (she and my dad were separated).

There's always pros and cons of both sides of things, just do what you feel is best.

I would love three kids but know financially it's not viable so won't xxx

 

[Starlight32]

I posted a while back about feeling guilty for only wanting one. My daughter is 6 months. I've always wanted one though and that hasn't changed since having her. I'm so happy with her but fear she will be lonely. I'm a twin so we were able to play together. I never had a big/little sister relationship so I'm not sure if it would be very different with an age gap.

 

[Tanikins]

I have 4 older brothers and 2 younger sister. I don't speak to any of them. Family politics are too much.

Siblings aren't everything

 

[Hopeful8289]

I now have step brothers but was an only child growing up. I agree with everyone else that there are good and bad points, but I imagine having siblings has good and bad as well. Some of the positives were that I learned to be independent and I developed an imagination and an ability to think outside of the box that may not have happened if I always had a playmate. I would say I was and am confident. I think that comes more from your parents than siblings. I feel like my friends are my family and have always had very close friendships. Maybe because I valued the companionship more because I didn't have siblings? I also had cousins whom I am very close with and am now close with their children, whom my child will also be close with and they will be like his first cousins even though in reality they are his third cousins.
My OH is not sure he wants any more children and while I do want one more because I love kids and have always wanted at least three, I think I would be okay if my son ended up an only child because I know I have never looked back on my life and felt like it would have been vastly improved by a sibling. I have wondered what it was like to have one but I've never dwelled on it. I know we could provide him all the social opportunities he would need to be a well rounded person. To me, it's more important for mom and dad to be happy and able to meet the needs of however many children they have. Do whatever is right for your family as a whole is what I think.

 

[minties]

I'm not an only child, so this is just very secondhand information. My grandma is an only child and says it wasn't her childhood that felt lonely but her late adulthood, when he dad passed away and then her mother. She says it's lonely not having a sibling to share the burden with in regard to grief and also happy memories.

 

[DannaD]

I'm an only child and very happy about it! I couldn't stand my friend's little brothers and sisters, I was so glad to be able to go home and be left alone!
I'm an introvert, so that probably helps.

 

[Jessicahide]

Lonely i was an only child and i was lonely, i have 4 because i know they will always have each other xxx

 

[teacup]

Wow thanks everyone for your replies! Such a mixture of views, reading through has really helped me see what it can be like as an only child. I think my hormones have calmed down because my broodiness has subsided a little (possibly also due to my daughter refusing to go to sleep until 10pm two nights in a row!).

Reading all the different experiences of being an only child has helped me realise that their are so many factors that can determine your experience.

Jessicahide - Wow 4 children! Your house must be full of excitement all the time! Thanks for your reply, it's nice your children will always have someone to turn to.

DannaD - Thank you - yes, that's a good point, that if my daughter is an only child she can play with her friends when she wants to and then have alone time when she wants. Best of both worlds.

Minties - Thank you. Yes that is one of the main things that bother me - that when my husband and I are gone then my daughter wont have anyone else. Although she does have a lot of cousins she could turn to, I hope she will be close to them.

Hopeful8289 - Thank you, Yes I thought that might happen as an only child, that you would see your friends more often. I had so many siblings that I wasn't bothered about meeting with friends too often, and it almost had an alienating effect on me. And yes - a happy home is the most important thing, so probably best to wait until we are totally ready before having any more!

Tanikins - Thank you, Yes - that's the thing, you can choose your friends but you can't choose your siblings. I only really talk regularly with one of my siblings, and she is so busy with her three children that we don't even talk often. When I was growing up, being the youngest I was teased a lot, and I think it had a permanent effect on my confidence. So sometimes I wonder if I would have been more confident as an only child.

Starlight32 - Thank you, I don't think the thought even crossed my mind when my daughter was 6 months! Maybe you will feel like having another in the future, but it's still very early days. You shouldn't feel guilty, as long as you take your daughter to play dates often then she isn't missing out too much. As many others have mentioned, there are several good points to having an only child.

LDC - Thank you, Yes I think it is important that I try to meet up with my daughters little friends regularly so that she doesn't feel lonely. I think I might get her a little pet when she is older too. That must have been really hard to not have someone to turn to when your mum passed away. This is one of the main reasons I am considering having another child.

Midnight_Fairy - Thank you, yes it's true that you can't guarantee a child would be close with their siblings. At least they can choose their friends.

staralfur - Thank you, Yes it is good that we won't have to split finances if we have just one child, meaning she can have music lessons if she wanted and we can go on big holidays. Yes, I agree it is important to try to meet up with other children regularly so my daughter doesn't miss out on playing with others her own age.

Thanks to everyone that took the time to reply, it's been really helpful.

 

[cjb]

I had the same thoughts. I was happy with just one but a big part of me wanted my daughter to have someone to grow up with. To always have someone their when we r older. I'm one of 3 myself and always have got on well with them both. My dad is a only child and now his mum is in a home with dementia he has it all to cope with by himself. Which Is a big part of why we decided to have another child so they have each other.
I was very nervous about my daughter being jealous Etc . But we waited a few years and she was just about to turn 4 when her brother was born and she has been so good. Nothing like i was expecting. She loves him and is very proud to be a big sister.so definitely made the right decision.
And hopefully they will be as close growing up as I was with my brother and sister.

 

[Mrs.H2016]

I am not an only child. I have 4 siblings and 2 I don't speak to and 2 I barely speak too. We are not close and never get together. None of them were at my wedding so like others mentioned, siblings are great but not always friends latter in life. My family we were close growing up but as adults not so much. My oldest son however was an only child most of his life until he turned 17. He wanted siblings so bad and finally got 2 brothers. He loves them so much even though the 3 year old gets on his nerves at times.
My experience and advise, don't have more unless you are having another for you, if it's not in your heart for another because you long for one then I wouldn't. Only children are fine.

 

[Quartz]

I'm an only child and I don't know any other way - to me its just the way that it is. I have always had friends and grew up where I was going in and out of friends houses. Its meant I like visiting people but having my own space at home (still do!). I have a really good relationship with my parents and spend a lot of time with them. I dont miss what I have never had, life would have been different if I had a sibling (less opportunites/my parents do childcare when I work so if there were more grandchildren that might be different) but that is just the way it is.

I had two children because I wanted two children, I did not feel that my family was complete after DD whereas now I do with DS. My mum said that her family felt complete when I was born.

Im an only child and OH sister does not have any children so in that sense there are no cousins. My best friend though has 2 boys and they are like cousins with each other.

 

[LoraLoo]

Technically I'm not an only child, but my sister was 17 when I was born and had already flown the best so it was always just me and my mum.

I hated it, I begged for a baby brother or sister, I would get bored and lonely especially if no friends were playing out. My mum spoiled me because there was just me and I didn't learn to be independent til I had a child myself, I was quite a needy child/teenager.
My experience made me want a big family so that my children will always have a friend- someone to share their life with, someone to watch each other's children, someone to go on holiday with, and someone to lean on when I'm no longer here. I'm under no illusion that they're all going to get along all of the time but it's more than I had, I feel I missed out, I miss that sibling relationship and I still do x

 

[minties]

My OH had a similar experience Lora, he has half brothers and sisters but they are much older. His sister who lives the closest to is is old enough to be his mother! The next oldest brother developed schizophrenia at quite a young age too and withdrew into himself.

My brother is 25 months younger than me and when I tell my OH about how we interacted as kids, he feels like he did miss out on something. I can't imagine not having a sibling.

However he did feel very special to his mother, she apparently doted on him as a kid.

 

[jessmke]

I am not an only child, my sisters are twins and 14 months older than me so we are all very close in age. As children it was awesome, as a teenager I didn't like it so much because they were snoopy and if they saw me doing the tiniest thing at school that I shouldn't have been doing they would always run and tell my parents. Once we were all in our 20s we became very close again. I think I would have been very lonely growing up without my sisters. My OH and I had always said we would only have 1 child, but shortly after she was born we both knew we wanted her to have a sibling. We live in the country so there aren't a lot of kids around that she could just go out and play with on an afternoon, and we don't want her to be lonely so I am now pregnant with her little brother or sister. We have talked about the possibility of them not actually getting along, but it's a risk we were willing to take.

 

[MindUtopia]

I was an only child and yes, I was really happy as an only child. In my situation, I don't think my mum could have handled two of us, as after she and my dad divorced, she was the sole financial provider and already had a lot on her plate. Raising one child alone was hard enough and for our family I think that worked.

That said, I wouldn't be in a rush to make any decisions now. Your LO is still young and I think that's a really challenging age. I know 2 years is a very typical age gap, but I absolutely would not have wanted another baby when my daughter was only 2, nor could we have afforded it. We always knew that we wanted to have another, but I definitely knew I didn't want one then.

Our daughter is about to turn 4 and we're finally in a place when we definitely feel ready and will start trying in the next month. So even at the earliest, we'll have nearly a 5 year age gap. For us, that works perfectly and feels right. I think just enjoy the time you have now and leave it open to deciding later what you want to do. You have plenty of time still if you do decide you want to have another, but if not, being an only child is great too.