Feel like I must have been a bad person in another life...

[modo]

Eternal Rose I have tears straming down my face reading the words you have written.

Your mother is poison and you don't need this in your life. I am so sorry to say this

 

[Embovstar]

Thats not good; and to be such a private person, but then to tell on a public forum, you're very brave.

More people than you think are experiencing things very similar or worse, I know totally how you must be feeling...slowly over my 31 years I've come to terms with my situation and now see my mother in a negative light and one that I really *don't* need in my life. I have so many positive people around me, and they're ALL I need.

I think once you can come to terms with the situation whether that be by speaking to friends / family or a counsellor (I'm sure you have done over the years, but seek out some private support whilst you are pregnant and feeling more vulnerable than normal), and see if you can conquer your feelings; some of which sound like guilt but you have nothing to feel quilty about.

I feel more free, happy and at peace having dealt with my situation, and I hope things improve for you too

Nicola xx

ps, Abigail is rather a sweet name, but whether people like it or not, it ONLY matters to you and your boyfriend!!

 

[kermie219]

I understand being able to talk on a forum...sometimes it's easier than talking in real time and I truly hope it has helped you.

She doesn't sound like a good person and I feel for you and I feel for your sisters. But at some point you are going to have to think about yourself, you do not need people in your life making you feel bad like that, but I understand that it is your mother and it's not an easy relationship to sever. All you can do is whatever is right for you.

And learn from all her mistakes! You will be a wonderful mother and probably be just that much better because of all the pain she has caused you in your life. Your sweet little Abigail doesn't need to hear her grandmother or her negative horrible comments either. Keep your chin up lovely. You are a wonderful person and becoming a good friend and you will be ok and rise above the circumstances your mother has given you. I'm always here to chat if you need me big hugs!!!!

 

[Unicus]

aww hun, i don't know what to say. i'm so sorry your mum is like this i know its hard but just try to ignore it. when she says anything about the baby just give one word answers as much as possible to try and limit the hurtful, thoughtless things she can say.

 

[Sam9kids]

Oh hunni, ive just blubbed reading that and my hubby thought there was something wrong with me!

I had no idea, but i just wanted to send lots of love and hugs xxxxx

 

[EternalRose]

Thanks for all the replies ladies, you have all been a great help I just cant appreciate it enough and I hope the ladies that cried at my story are now OK, as I dont really like the thought of my pregnant friends getting all upset really but it shows you all have a big heart. It was such a big step saying all this out to people Ive not met before as Ive only told my fiance but he says I am way too forgiving.

Update: I called her this morning, and said that I think its best if she doesnt make contact at least untill the baby is due and she just agreed. I tried to explain the reason why, and that she does things to upset me but she didnt see what she had done wrong, which was no surprise. I dont think she knows or understands what she does, so obviously she will keep doing it. I have spent many a hour going through the things my mum has done in the past and why it is wrong but she never seems to get it, so she ends up doing it over and over again. I am starting to wonder if she is not well to be honest? But anyway, I got off the phone after about 5 minutes, and it did sting for a bit I suppose, it felt like I had dumped my bf who I am still in love with but thats the only way I can describe how it felt and my heart aches a bit this morning but I have to do this for the sake of my little girl now as I cant be upset all the time.

Thanks again for all your support xx

 

[EternalRose]

Oh hunni, ive just blubbed reading that and my hubby thought there was something wrong with me!

I had no idea, but i just wanted to send lots of love and hugs xxxxx

Oh no, you as well hun Thanks for the love and hugs xxxx

 

[Buds]

Oh hun, I really feel for you. You mustn't feel that you will be judged, because you won't. Tbh I think you mum is really bloody lucky that you even speak to her, and even luckier that you are considering allowing your gorgeous daughter into her life. She doesn't deserve it.

For you, I can see how terribly hard it must be. Is there any kind of support group you could get in touch with? People who you can talk to about what happened in the past and what is happening now? I know you have your wonderful partner, but perhaps you need someone else to talk to who has experience and understanding in these matters.
I am sure there must be help out there.

Please don't feel bad about sharing these things on here. Pregnancy can open up a whole can of emotions and we are all here to support one another.

Hope you feel better soon hun.

 

[Delilah]

This is the first step in you moving on hun - well done - she can only hurt you if you let her, please remember that xx

 

[EternalRose]

Oh hun, I really feel for you. You mustn't feel that you will be judged, because you won't. Tbh I think you mum is really bloody lucky that you even speak to her, and even luckier that you are considering allowing your gorgeous daughter into her life. She doesn't deserve it.

For you, I can see how terribly hard it must be. Is there any kind of support group you could get in touch with? People who you can talk to about what happened in the past and what is happening now? I know you have your wonderful partner, but perhaps you need someone else to talk to who has experience and understanding in these matters.
I am sure there must be help out there.

Please don't feel bad about sharing these things on here. Pregnancy can open up a whole can of emotions and we are all here to support one another.

Hope you feel better soon hun.

Thank you hun, my fiance said if it was him he wouldnt bother but its hard when you think about cutting off your own mother. I dont usually like to be a victim, and I am generally quite a bubbly positive person in real life. I go to counselling once a week, and I started it when I was 10 weeks pregnant it was reccomended by the nurse as I was beginning to get quite anxious a lot and she wanted to know where it all came from. Anyway, its been really helpful but sometimes all of this can overwhelm me and I dont like to bother people with it as its my problem and I can understand that some of the things that has happened would make someone feel uncomfortable if I told them face to face and they wouldnt know what to say which is why I posted here so least people can have that distance from me.

BUT, saying that havent thought about a support group for people that have experienced the same sort of thing before

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me xx

 

[Buds]

For what it's worth I think you did the right thing by that call to your mum. I am sure it hurts terribly, but the pain will fade and you will move on and grow stronger without the fear and stress inside. And that can only be a good thing for your baby.

Good luck!



p.s. Abigail's a lovely name! I am still strugging with girl's names.

 

[EternalRose]

For what it's worth I think you did the right thing by that call to your mum. I am sure it hurts terribly, but the pain will fade and you will move on and grow stronger without the fear and stress inside. And that can only be a good thing for your baby.

Good luck!



p.s. Abigail's a lovely name! I am still strugging with girl's names.

Thank you hun, it took us ages to find a girls name even with the 40,001 book of names I really liked Harriet but my fiance hates that name. lol What names do you have on your list? We had a boys name ready as well but I will keep that name for my future son xx

 

[Caroline]

Huge hun. We are due around the same time babes.

I think you have done the right thing cutting off ties with your mum. It must be terrible for you not to be able to share things with your mum, but your OH sounds wonderful & togehter youare going to a loving family unit of your own.

I live hundreds of miles away from my mum. We haven't been particularly close for years. I lived with her & my grandparents since whne my parents divorced & she was very dependant on me. I grew up & met my OH & she has never really accepted him, blaming him for us moving away. It was joint decision. Sometimes I wondered how I actually managed to survive the first 18 months.

I would never ever leave my kids unsupervised with her, we once had her baby sit so OH & I could go out, I rang her to check everything was ok as meal was a disaster & she had left my daughter in wet clothes 'cos she wasn't sure if nappy leaked or if she was just warm. I mean ffs.

I am fortunate tho 'cos I'm very close to my MIL even tho she is 100's of miles away.

I could rant further about my mum, 'cos she really drives me nuts, but @ the moment being pg I just keep conversation to minimum. Had scan on Monday, MIL rang to check everything was ok, BIL phoned to check all ok, & his gf left a message on FB. Not a word from my mum, but not surprised there @ all.

I wish I could magic a lovely mum for you, but unfortunately life can deal us a crappy hand @ times. However it is made you into a wonderful person, & I have no doubt you will be a wonderful mummy.

 

[EternalRose]

Huge hun. We are due around the same time babes.

I think you have done the right thing cutting off ties with your mum. It must be terrible for you not to be able to share things with your mum, but your OH sounds wonderful & togehter youare going to a loving family unit of your own.

I live hundreds of miles away from my mum. We haven't been particularly close for years. I lived with her & my grandparents since whne my parents divorced & she was very dependant on me. I grew up & met my OH & she has never really accepted him, blaming him for us moving away. It was joint decision. Sometimes I wondered how I actually managed to survive the first 18 months.

I would never ever leave my kids unsupervised with her, we once had her baby sit so OH & I could go out, I rang her to check everything was ok as meal was a disaster & she had left my daughter in wet clothes 'cos she wasn't sure if nappy leaked or if she was just warm. I mean ffs.

I am fortunate tho 'cos I'm very close to my MIL even tho she is 100's of miles away.

I could rant further about my mum, 'cos she really drives me nuts, but @ the moment being pg I just keep conversation to minimum. Had scan on Monday, MIL rang to check everything was ok, BIL phoned to check all ok, & his gf left a message on FB. Not a word from my mum, but not surprised there @ all.

I wish I could magic a lovely mum for you, but unfortunately life can deal us a crappy hand @ times. However it is made you into a wonderful person, & I have no doubt you will be a wonderful mummy.

Thanks ever so much for your kind words, Im sorry you didnt get a call from your mum about your scan, but I know how it feels to not be surprised when they do things like that, and I can see why you wouldnt want to leave her unsupervised when your little girl was soaking wet But yeah, I told her this morning to not make contact at least untill the baby is born so I dont get upset anymore whilst Im pregnant. I can see we are due around the same time, we could go into labour on the same day! xxx

 

[lanaross]

Oh gosh sweetie.. wow.. I thought I had it bad with my MIL saying I am too small for my 24 weeks and when she was pregnant (37 years ago) she was much bigger (right, like she could remember). I also thought that our moms are so much better than MILs. But omg.. you did the right thing here 100%. Poor girl, I can't believe you had to go through so much already Tons of hugs for you and don't think twice about it. I know you really want somebody to be there for you but this is quite the opposite

PS Abigail is an absolutely gorgeous, rich name. It's on my list of names as well. It feels like a queen name doesn't it? Very beautiful, do not even think about changing it!!!

 

[Unicus]

well i think you have shown a huge amount of strenth to make that phone call hun. you have to think about your own wellbeing, not just for you but for your little baby inside you too. i hope your ok x x x x x x x x x x x

 

[Caroline]

Think I'm gonna be induced @ 37 weeks, but you could go into labour then too.

When I had my DS he was 4 weks ealry & had to go into SCBU. He was born 27th Aug & she is a teacher.

1st thing she said to me was you could have waited a few more days, he's going to be one of the youngest. FFS, I've just had a 36 hour labour, ending in assisted delivery due to fetal distress your grandson is in scbu & thats all u can say!

I feel bad, cos some ppl have lost there mums but tbh like u I feel @ times I would be better off without her.

If u ever want to chat hun I'm online most evenings.

I forgot to say I also like the name Abigail Mae, its very regal & girly.

 

[surprisebaby]

Hi Eternal,

Sorry to hear about your mum and how you feel the need to cut her out, because of the way she is with you. It is really hurtful that she isn't able to be the way you want her to be; being caring, supportive etc.

I read the examples of things that she has said to you, and it's like she has quite a confrontational personality (has to oppose everything or challenge or say something very inappropiate to get some kind of reaction/ a power thing.....

But I am not sure if she does it deliberately or it's a very bad habit/pattern that she finds herself falling into.

recently... I had a "friend", who was actually my sister's friend, that I knew through her and I had to cut her out, because of the stress that would happen when I was around her. I think it's a bad sign if you feel bad after every time being with someone (phonecall, meeting, whatever).... and normally it's the same feeling.

I realised with the person I knew, that she was actually deliberately doing things to put me down or make me feel bad... so i cut her out completely....

(one comment she had said which was the last straw was coming into my house and saying right to my face (this is when i had been going through upsetting time with breaking up with my fob etc) "Oh you're looking grumpy!!")

And then she said out of the blue, "oh you're boobs haven't grown much" (when they have!! lol) Its like she just wanted me to feel bad to get a power rush.

obviously with your mum its differnt cos you have your sisters and she is your mum.

I was thinking as well the reason this might all be so emotional just now (apart from cos you're pregnant) is that cos you are taking about all of this in counselling, it's gonna bring up all the stuff from the past, so you're gonna feel a lot of emotions and remember things from the past .... so it's like you're going through a stage of healing.

I don't know ... just some of my thoughts about it.

I don't if any of this makes sense cos I am really tired and way to bed...xxxx But I think you're doing the right thing to protect yourself from getting upset by her (whilst you're pregnant). I totally notice I have a lot less tolerance for people's faults etc at the moment! and with your mum its a lot worse cos its a lot to do with past etc

ok bye for now xx

 

[mrsthomas623]

Hey just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going through. I am no longer in contact with my family for various reasons. I think from having such bad parents it will only make us love our children more. We have SO much love to give and finally are able to give it to our children.

"Just because you come from dirt, does not mean you have to be dirty." We are incharge of our lives and I am happy that you stood up to her, it took a lot of courage!

 

[mommyof3girls]

*hugs*

My mother is the same way as your mom. It is hard and I understand where you are coming from. If you ever need someone to talk to send me a message.