Feeling the guilt towards my first Born

[mummyruston]

I know It's normal to feel guilt towards your first child when the second one comes along and I thought I was prepared for it but I'm not.

I had my second child, a boy a week ago and he's adorable, and he latched immediately and is a very chilled baby. Obviously though he's a newborn and needs feeding, nappy changes often and I've had to say a number of times to my 1st born - a 3.5yo girl darling I can't because I'm feeding etc.

For the past 3.5y my daughter has had a lot of one on one with me, I gave up working FT and spend a lot of time with her and I feel really guilty that in just this last week it's changed significantly.

No longer can we have morning cuddles in bed just the two of us etc and it makes me feel sad and incredibly guilty.

My son is only a week old, and I do try to spend one on one with her still inc bath, bed and book etcetera but I just feel very guilty that daddy has done most of the playtime with her.

Does it get any easier?! I hate thinking she feels neglected or pushed out etc as I tell her all the time and have more so this week that she's my special girl, and will always be. Her behaviour has been a little challenging this week - which is to be expected I guess but hate how I've had to tell her off more than praise her or have fun with her.

 

[Taurus8484]

I just make sure i spend every second with DS1 when DS2 is asleep. Just hanging out or doing crafty things or reading books. Whatever he wants. Lots of hugs and kisses so he feels just as special which of course he is.

 

[RaspberryK]

Our first borns have had our undivided attention for a number of years, subsequent children will NEVER get that so do not feel guilty about that.

Xx

 

[YoshiPikachu]

I still feel guilty and my son is 7 months old already.

 

[minties]

It gets easier very quickly! Try not to dwell on it. Kids are extremely adaptable and your first LO is still very young, she won't remember what life was like before having a young sibling soon anyway.

Once Sophie was smiling and giggling at Thomas all I felt was joy.

 

[Larkspur]

I felt bad for about the first 4-6 weeks, and after that I seemed to get on top of things again, and the naps fell into place a bit more and it all became a lot easier to spend time with both of them.

 

[Tigerlilyb]

It does get easier but I still miss those sleepy naptime cuddles and spending hours on end with her, just her. It gets easier too as the little ones grow up and need you a little less, OH can take the baby for a while and you can have a little one on one time with the older one again.

 

[sheebee]

It gets easier much quicker than you expect! Remember you are still recovering from the north and your hormones are still adjusting too which won't be helping those feelings of guilt.

It's OK to feel like you're in limbo at the moment, its fine to feel the transition is hard because it is. Be patient with yourself, slow down and allow everyone the breathing space and time to adjust. It's really tough but it sounds like you're doing wonderfully.

 

[zorak]

Our first borns have had our undivided attention for a number of years, subsequent children will NEVER get that so do not feel guilty about that.

Xx

I agree with this. The difference in the amount of attention DS2 gets compared to when it was just DS1 is amazing so its him I feel guilty about. Part of the reason I wanted a second was so that DS1 grew up sharing etc . It did take a couple of weeks for him to adjust but now he's back to his usual happy self and he adores the baby .

As a funny aside... C was crying so I asked M if he thought he needed some milk. He said 'yes' scrambled onto the sofa , put a pillow on his lap (its how he holds C), pulled off his t shirt and pointed at his nipples. It cracked me up!

 

[CertifiedOreo]

I can relate so much to this post. My daughter is a week and a day old and I have a 3 year old daughter as well. Everything you describe I feel…guilt and sadness. I don't want my eldest to feel neglected or whatever and I miss when it was just her and I. I don't want her to start wanting to be around her dad all the time now because I have to take care of the newborn. Its hard.

 

[Hoping4lil1]

I remember the first night we were home with my daughter, my first daughter had a huge meltdown because I was breastfeeding and couldn't put her to bed. We pushed off her bedtime so I could do it (since we had been in the hospital two nights, she really missed me). I remember coming downstairs in a pool of tears and just sobbing (some of that was post-partum hormones) in my husband's arms. We gained a new baby, but I felt like I was losing my amazing relationship with my firstborn.

Fast forward almost six months later and I can tell you it gets better. We made our firstborn a huge helper with our new baby and she really took to the role. She loves her sister so much and is so amazing with her. I still make an effort to put her to bed as much as possible. I also carve out some one on one time with her at least once a week (yes, grocery store trips count when the week is busy). Whatever we decide to do, I make it fun and special for her so we don't completely lose our special bond.

It will never be the same again, but I just try to think of the amazing gift she has with her sister. I hope they grow up to be close and love each other as much as I love my sister.

 

[mummyruston]

Thank you all for your posts. I have luckily enough been able to do bath, bed and book with her every night as baby asleep at that time.

I know giving my dd and a sibling is a huge gift as I'm an only child and I guess it is early days too.

 

[Cangaroo]

We have the same age gap as you, and I've found it amazing how little DD1 has been jealous. From the start, I tried to do all the normal things like bed times with DD1 as much as I could, and just brought DD2 along with us. We had many lovely bed times all 3 of is lying in bed together, me reading to DD1 while DD2 nursed. During the day, the sling was my saviour. DD2 spent almost all of her first 3 months in a stretchy wrap so I could carry on as normal with DD1. It made a huge difference, and we were all very happy! When DD2 emerged from the sling at 3 months, she was pretty much straight away sitting up and playing with toys. She quickly became DD1's favourite play thing! Now DD1 loves DD2 so much she chooses her over me! Recently, we've been trying to get DD2 used to a bit more time away from me ready for me going to work, and DD1 always chooses to be with her sister over one-to-one time with me!

You'll find a balance. My best advice is to have all 3 of you in bed for your morning cuddles, and her a sling!!

 

[mummyruston]

I have a sling and try and do bedtimes etc - which I've managed to do them all in the last 10days as baby tends to be asleep at that time so I give him to my OH.

The morning cuddles, DD gets in our bed when she wakes at 730 and baby is with us too. I just feel sad for her as it used to be just the two of us.

It's early days but today she's been so loud - waking the baby up at every possible opportunity so I've not been able to play with her. She's been very aggressive to my OH too and has kicked him and punched him in the face yet we never had this before!

 

[apple_20]

It does get easier honestly. Newborn stage is very hard. When they get smiley and play with toys the older sibling will want to play with them

Honestly it's so worth it when they start playing together abd chattering!