Feeling very sad today

[africaqueen]

Hi ladies.
I am feeling very low today and im just writing this to vent really
I have made myself feel optimistic but today i just dnt.
I am so scared of seeing a BFN when i test as i have been so optimistic that i actually believed it would be possible this cycle... then i think, well if i did get my bfp, i could not bring myself to be happy/excited about it in fear something would go wrong like last time.
I am lying on the couch watching 16 and pregnant and wondering why, at the age of 29 i am still without children i do feel really sorry for myself.
Il be poas at 10dpo which is wed and also my 29th birthday and although i am hoping and praying for a BFP, i keep thinking if i get a BFN on my birthday it will be even worse for me to deal with. Knowing that im 29 and still nada
I feel such a mix of emotions today. I am still have little crampy/stretching feeling very low down but not sure if that means anything.

I have also been feeling sad that i got married in dec and me and dh still have not managed a honeymoon we were going to go in Jan somewhere, then we lost jellybean and i had my surgery and was quite ill and then he had to work a lot mre hours so we just never managed it i could do with a holiday for a break away from all this, but cnt whilst we are ttc as imagine had i been away when my ectopic happened! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
i want a child more than anything on this earth but my whole life is taken over with this and my every waking emotion is pregnancy, baby, pregnancy, baby and on and on.

Sorry ladies, just having a off day and needed to let it all out.
Thanks xxx

 

[mintypeas]

hi honey im so sorry for how your feeling.i didnt wnt to read and run and wanted to say your in my thoughts. x sylvia x

 

[hb1]

Hey AfricaQueen - very sorry it's all getting to you - it is v stressful ttc even without all the highs and lows you've already been thru.

Why not book somewhere in UK? maybe a little cottage near the sea and in the middle of nowhere - or an apartment in somewhere like Edinburgh? still near UK hospitals but away at least.....


Chin up - I know it's easier said than done but try and enjoy your b-day.

hx

 

[Mummy2Angel.]

Sending you big hugs and lots of love hun x

 

[heart tree]

Hey babe, first off, I want to tell you that it is totally ok not to feel optimistic every day. In fact, it is impossible. You could be the least optimistic person in the world, and you can still get pregnant. I keep having to remind myself that my moods don't actually dictate whether or not I can conceive. So, have a mopey day today, you are allowed. Your mood will get more positive again.

Secondly I want to encourage you to not watch 16 and pregnant. Every time that I see that show on, I race past it as quickly as possible. Same goes for 19 and counting, 9 by design, a baby story (not sure if you have any of these in the UK). Watching all of these other ridiculously fertile people doesn't help me feel any better.

I remember being 29 and feeling like you. I always imagined having my babies before 30. Turning 30 seemed like such a big deal. And it is a big milestone. Once it happened though, I felt ok about it. In fact, my 30's have been more prosperous than my 20's. I found out in my 30's that I actually could get pregnant. I know your story is different, but I imagine some of your sadness is coming from a loss of your 20's and loss of your perceived youth. You still have youth on your side honey.

As for testing on your b-day, maybe you could rethink it? I know you want to see a BFP on your b-day and then know for sure that you can't drink. I know for me, every time I test at 10dpo, I've always had a BFN, even when it was a BFP. I tested today at 13dpo and got a BFN. It has pretty much ruined my day. You probably still won't drink on your b-day because of the possibility that you tested too soon. Maybe just have an agreement with yourself that you won't test, but will allow yourself one glass of champagne or wine. If AF wasn't late today, I wouldn't have tested. Personally seeing a BFN is more devastating than seeing AF come. At least with AF, I know I'm moving forward into the next cycle to ttc again.

I know what you mean with being consumed by all things baby. I too have avoided travel. I just booked a holiday without my husband and made sure I wouldn't be ovulating at that time. It can be all consuming and maddening. I like Hb1's idea of taking a local holiday. Some place closer to home and perhaps closer to a hospital just in case. You and your husband definitely need some time away to relax and cuddle. Maybe you could book something around the time you ovulate. BD'ing away from home is always more romantic!

Sending you as many positive vibes as I can today! Take good care of yourself today!

 

[Lindyloo]

Hi, I just wanted to send you huge

I have avoided any programmes like that since I lost the twins because they break my heart and I always find it hard to get my emotions back on track.... at the same time we need to have days where we feeling down and a little sad because we are only human and it's those emotions that will make us loving and caring mummy's one day very soon.

Take care x

 

[africaqueen]

Heart tree- your post was lovely. Thank u. Yes i am sad it seems unlikely il be a mummy before my 30th birthday, but i guess its a frame of mind as we didnt get what we expect. Other than marrying the love of my life, my twenties have been pretty turbulent and sad. Maybe my thirties will be the golden years ;-)
U are right about not watching 16 and pregnant and i wont be watching it again as it depresses me watching fertile young girls who didnt even have to try, get pregnant and have babies so no more watching that one

Good news is that me and dh are going to London for 4 days on 2nd June for his 30th Birthday, so although not our honeymoon, it is a break away from it all for the 2 of us which we really need. A bit of fun! We are going to try and take a wk away to Spain around october time as the hospitals there are very good should anything transpire by then... But for now im looking forward to London

I am going to try and hold out testing intill 12dpo if i can manage it. That way i can enjoy my birthday with the "possibility" i may be pregnant and then deal with any negative outcome after that. I am not a big drinker these days anyway so will only be having 2 glasses of wine with my meal so not a issue i guess.
I am trying to be more positive about things. As u said, we are all entitled to a down day and i guess mine is today. Good news is that dh is coming home from work tonight and then travelling back in the AM as he sensed i was a bit down and wants to be with me so im feeling better over that. I find it hard dh working away 4 days a week when i feel so low. Hopefully he can find a job nearer to home soon.

I am sorry about your bfn heart tree, i hope it turns into a bfp for u soon xx

Thanks to you all for reading and just allowing me to let off steam.

xxx

 

[alisarose]

africaqueen, i also am feeling v depressed today. I dont watch any progs with babies or pregnancy, i cant even go to tesco unless i completely avoid the baby aisles. hopefully you will get your bfp but i think its better to wait as long as poss b4 hpt. I used to be test,test,test and never positive. When i got preg with thomas i hadnt even realised id missed as id given up on
it happening. I think af arriving is not as painful as bfn.
ps im 38 this year so i am getting really worried

 

[Aerdrie]

Just wanted to send you HUGE

 

[heart tree]

As u said, we are all entitled to a down day and i guess mine is today. Good news is that dh is coming home from work tonight and then travelling back in the AM as he sensed i was a bit down and wants to be with me so im feeling better over that. I find it hard dh working away 4 days a week when i feel so low. Hopefully he can find a job nearer to home soon.

Well, I think I'm going to join you in your down day. Looks like AF will be coming on tomorrow. Started to get a glimpse of her today. DH is already on high alert about my impending mood and is doing what he can to comfort me. Sounds like we both have some great guys who are sensitive to our feelings. Glad yours is coming home tonight. Also glad you are going to London! That will be good for both of you. I was feeling a sad about an hour ago and feeling all alone and then thought, Africaqueen is feeling the same way. It made me feel better to have a sad buddy today. Think I might go eat some chocolate to make me feel better.

xoxo

 

[africaqueen]

africaqueen, i also am feeling v depressed today. I dont watch any progs with babies or pregnancy, i cant even go to tesco unless i completely avoid the baby aisles. hopefully you will get your bfp but i think its better to wait as long as poss b4 hpt. I used to be test,test,test and never positive. When i got preg with thomas i hadnt even realised id missed as id given up on
it happening. I think af arriving is not as painful as bfn.
ps im 38 this year so i am getting really worried

I think u are right about it happening when u least expect it. When i got my bfp af was 2 days late and i hadnt even realised as we had no long been married(10 days) and my head was still buzzing from that. lol. Its just so hard to not symptom spot when i have a lot of time on my hands as im not working at the moment. I feel sad enough that its unlikely il be a mum before im 30, but u must be feeling it more. Dnt lose hope though as just look at madonna, gwen stefani, dannii minogue, kate carraway and all the scores of women who have children in their late thirties ;-) i know its not much help to u saying that, i just wanted to let u knw u are not alone xxx

 

[NatoPMT]

Hi Queenie, sorry youre having a down day my lovely

I agree with heart tree about turning 30, next year im turning 40, but feeling like you do about turning 30 - and my 20's were very turbulent and fraught, lots of women find some peace with who they are in their 30's and you are happily married now, so the golden 30's seem very attainable for you from where im sitting. 30 and fertility seems to me how 16 and fertile seems to you right now, its all relative and about your personal perspective.

i would defo wait till at least 12dpo, im 12 dpo today as it goes, no sore boobs, nothing, im thinking i will wait till 15dpo now. 12 dpo is pretty early for a bfp so defo dont test on 10. Im now focussing on not getting an early af so i dont have to worry about low progesterone which is my new thing to panic about.

London for a few days sounds like a lovely idea. x

 

[DragonMummy]

Hey hun. I am first cycle after a MC so I can understand some of what you are feeling. It's just so frightening but all you can do is hope and believe. It will happen for you - the odds are very much for it. Am thinking of you xxx

 

[africaqueen]

Heart tree ((hugs)) u are not alone xx

Nato- yes im gonna try my best not to test at 10dpo. I could not stand to see another bfn esp on my bday of all days. Good luck to u when u next test ;-)

xxx

 

[NatoPMT]

ive just been reading up, and seems 12 dpo you should really have a bfp if youre pregnant, 13 is better for a definitive, so i would wait till then to reduce jibbering wreck effect, which i hear is very last season. x

 

[alisarose]

africaqueen, i also am feeling v depressed today. I dont watch any progs with babies or pregnancy, i cant even go to tesco unless i completely avoid the baby aisles. hopefully you will get your bfp but i think its better to wait as long as poss b4 hpt. I used to be test,test,test and never positive. When i got preg with thomas i hadnt even realised id missed as id given up on
it happening. I think af arriving is not as painful as bfn.
ps im 38 this year so i am getting really worried

I think u are right about it happening when u least expect it. When i got my bfp af was 2 days late and i hadnt even realised as we had no long been married(10 days) and my head was still buzzing from that. lol. Its just so hard to not symptom spot when i have a lot of time on my hands as im not working at the moment. I feel sad enough that its unlikely il be a mum before im 30, but u must be feeling it more. Dnt lose hope though as just look at madonna, gwen stefani, dannii minogue, kate carraway and all the scores of women who have children in their late thirties ;-) i know its not much help to u saying that, i just wanted to let u knw u are not alone xxx

After you lose a baby you become so obsessed that as you say its impossible not to stress and symptom spot. I couldnt go bk to work, my head just wouldnt be there xxxx

 

[africaqueen]

ive just been reading up, and seems 12 dpo you should really have a bfp if youre pregnant, 13 is better for a definitive, so i would wait till then to reduce jibbering wreck effect, which i hear is very last season. x

yep jibbering wreck effect is sooo last season dahling... haha
The only prob being i got my 2 free hpts in the post this morning and i dnt usually keep them in the house as a rule... usually a case of 'have stick must pee' haha. Gonna try hold off till 12dpo but hope i have the wilpower

I am trying to be a little more positive today,and my friend is taking me for a early bday lunch later so looking forward to that. Just have to keep busy

xxx

 

[NatoPMT]

uh oh.

move away from the hpts, we have you covered.

 

[Ten]

I'm sorry you're having a low day. If it makes you feel any better, my husband and I have been married just over 5 years and we never managed a honeymoon. You're not alone!!

Keep in mind that 10dpo is still pretty early for a BFP. Some babies don't even implant until then!

 

[heart tree]

Ten, we were the same! Married 5 years without a honeymoon. We finally scheduled a trip to Hawaii for a very late honeymoon and I ended up having my first mc 4 days before the trip. The 5 year late honeymoon ended up being a healing trip for both of us. Not very romantic to say the least!

I agree, 10dpo is early. Africaqueen, hope you were able to refrain from testing today and hope you are having a great birthday!