Fifth loss in a row (the worst sequel in the world)

[ReadynWaiting]

Lace can I ask where you are in Canada? I'm in Ontario, outside of Toronto. If you are familiar with any good clinics in the GTA I'm open to it. I was referred to this RE by my ob but I feel his ego got the better of him as I was questioning things and presenting ideas of how I wanted to do things. I don't need someone like that, I need someone that is going to see me as an individual and listen to what I want to happen. I'm all about directing my own care lol.
I'm 38 (and a half-but who's counting?! Lol) so I feel ya on the time crunch. I always said I don't want to be 40 having kids but it looks like that's what's going to happen. I'm ok with it too, just bring on the baby!
I'm so happy (sounds wrong) that you are starting naturally. I hope it happens quickly for you. Have you heard of Anna's wild yam cream? I'm going to look in to it later but it supposed to be helpful in regulating af and balancing hormones. The clots in your period (I saw it in the rmc thread) shouldn't be happening and I would think the RE would want to get to the bottom of it.

 

[LacePrincess]

Ready, I'm actually quite close to you! We're in Kingston. I've actually been waiting on referrals to a GTA clinic, York Fertility actually. My friend used them for her fertility issues, and she was very happy with them (and she's very discerning!) I'm at Ottawa Fertility Centre now. I've been treated very well at OFC, and I adore the staff there, but their over-conservative approach doesn't have anything to offer me anymore.

I've also heard great things about Markham Fertility and Hannam but those two are far more famous so the waiting lists are longer.

Omg I hear you on 40. That's my hard deadline too - but who knows, I might change my mind when I get closer..... Though I dunno, I'm terrified of the increased Downs risks too. Maybe when I get a bit older and my friends are all done with babies, it won't be as tough to walk away.

I have not heard of the yam cream! I will see if I can find it. I've always been clotty with AF since I was a teen, so to me....it's normal, lol. And I had 3 normal kids while being clotty. I thought for sure I'd test positive for a clotting problem, but...nope! I hope my body will get on with things, still just spotting tonight but I'm feeling pretty AF crampy so.....fx.......

 

[ReadynWaiting]

Kingston! I'm in Belleville so not far at all. Such a small world isn't it?
So you have been referred and you are waiting to hear from the clinic or you are waiting on the ob to send the referral through? I'm hesitant to see anyone in case I don't like them. I just don't want to waste anyone's time, especially not mine.
There is a TCM clinic in To that I am tempted to go and see but it's pricey and I don't want to be sent home with more supplements. As it is I just spent $277 today on new supplements from my ND in hopes that it will make the difference. It's hard when there is no dx issue, just kind of shooting in the dark and hope that something works.
I don't feel like my friends are slowing down any time soon with making babies but when 40 hits and if there still is no baby I may just call it quits. My dd for the past week has been saying her baby is coming soon. She said her baby sister should be here really soon. I'm hoping its some kind of intuition and she speaks the truth lol. Here's to hoping anyways!

 

[LacePrincess]

Ready - WOW! Belleville! You're in my backyard - how cool is that? We should meet up!

We've had our GP send the referral, haven't heard from the clinic yet or anything but we need to follow up soon. I don't have an OB, just go to a regular GP for non-IF stuff.

Honestly my opinion of TCM stuff is.....well.....not to offend anyone, but I find it all a bunch of hooey. Especially anything to do with energy channels. And all the supps IMO are either a) a placebo or b) full of unknown who-the-heck-knows-what that can really mess you up. So I don't believe in it. Nor do I believe in fertility yoga, or relaxation/meditation courses. Not for me. I mean I'm GETTING pregnant and none of this stuff will change the faulty DNA make-up in our embryos.

I'm sorry you have lots of fertile friends. That's so tough. Thankfully I've moved away from my old neighborhood and all the new friends I'm making here in Kingston I met when I posted about our m/c, so they're all IF ladies too. Makes it easier!!

PS. If you're interested I can PM you my RL contact info if you want.

 

[ReadynWaiting]

Lace-we have a PAIL network support meeting in Belleville every other Wednesday. If you ever need support its a great group. There are a variety of different women with different loss stories (early mc to full term). It's just nice to be around a group of people that are ok if you talk about your losses. You don't feel so isolated!
I guess for me I have had nothing but misinformation and incompetent care wth Drs that I just don't trust them any more. I try to avoid meds, intervention and Drs that base their knowledge on their opinions. I'm trying the natural route because of all of those fears. Up until now it's not brought me my rainbow but I also don't want my eggs pumped out at a crazy rate so I hit menopause at 40. I just want to get pg so I can move on from this stage. I'm so tired of it!
Ya if you can give me the RL info that would be amazing. Belleville doesn't have any real fertility clinics, we just get referred out. I have a couple friends that went through Ottawa and have had babies but they weren't getting pg at all. I can get pg just can't grow a healthy bean. Dh and I have a dd together so we can have kids.

 

[LacePrincess]

Ready, I sent you a PM with my info.

I will try to make it out to a PAIL meeting....good to know they're a regular thing. Weekdays are a zoo though with driving my dance kid around, so I'm not sure if I can make it until the holidays when he's off. I hope we can still arrange to meet up for lunch or something sometime as we're so close!

Well if it makes you feel any better, my research says you really can't 'use up' your eggs faster if you do IVF or high dose stims. Your body prepares all of those follies every month anyways, and nature grows the best one to maturation. The stims are just supposed to grow ALL of the follies instead of just one. So in your natural cycle, all of those potential eggs are 'used up' every month anyways. No one really ever runs out of eggs anyhow, we just run out of good viable eggs.

And we're like you, we've got proven fertility with each other. And I'm not complaining because I'm sooooo lucky to have my boys - all of which were conceived with DH. The frustrating part for us is, why did it used to work, and what the heck has changed in us so it doesn't work at all? It can't just be because of age. We're both just-turned 37. That is NOT old enough to explain 5 consecutive losses. So, wtf is going on, and no one can answer that so far.

 

[ReadynWaiting]

Honestly, I didn't even look In to the stims and what happens but the process just sound so unnatural. It may come back to trying that though as what I'm doing isn't working. I do everything right and healthy for my body (no gluten, sugar, dairy, caffeine, little alcohol), supplements, exercise, etc and it's not working. I had lower than normal AMH but my ND said it was fine and could be improved easily. I haven't retested and really if I have enough eggs that's not so much the issue as if there is a problem with my eggs.
I would just really love to find a dr that wants to really get to the bottom of it and throw every test my way and the have the best laid plan at how to treat things. So far I haven't found that. My ND is amazing but she's also newer to practising hence why she's going to refer me out if no pg by dec.
I do come to Kingston every so often to go to Costco so maybe we can make a plan around that?

 

[LacePrincess]

Ready - that would be great! Let me know next time you plan on being in town and we'll figure something out!

I think for me I'm back to, I'm doing everything right. I just need to get lucky and catch a normal embie for once. I'm back to trying to shove all of this into the background of my life because I'm sick of this crap making me sad.

We got our puppy today!! She's a shih-tzu mix (okay mostly shih-tzu), and what an ADORABLE pile of fluff. We wanted to name her something special to commemorate our latest loss, so we named her Asha, which depending on the indian/Sanskrit/Arabic translation can mean hope, desire, or wish. It is also a derivative of the Swahili name Aisha, which means Life. I thought that was very appropriate.

Unfortunately, I had forgotten how much danged work puppies are LOL!!!

 

[ReadynWaiting]

A puppy is a great distraction...and a reminder what it will be like to have a new baby lol. I have a shih-poo and he was like a brown cotton ball when we got him. They are great dogs with great temperaments. I love the name too!!
I totally get the way you feel. I just want to feel normal and focus on normal things.

 

[LacePrincess]

A puppy is a great distraction...and a reminder what it will be like to have a new baby lol. I have a shih-poo and he was like a brown cotton ball when we got him. They are great dogs with great temperaments. I love the name too!!
I totally get the way you feel. I just want to feel normal and focus on normal things.

Oh gosh, it is kind of like having a new baby AND a potty training toddler in one, LOL. Like years 0-3 fast forwarded. I'm so tired, LOL, I'd forgotten how much work puppies are.

Asha's amazing. She is 100% cuddler and bonded to all of us so fast. If I move out of sight and she's napping on the floors somewhere, she will wake up just to move until she's in line of sight again, and go back to sleep. Her favourite napping place is by my side or behind my feet and she needs me so much. I adore her so much after only 2 days! I'll even forgive her accidents on my floors LOL.

I'm feeling more normal, back to dreading going back to appts again. I'm so quick to anger still though, my fuse is VERY short, but I guess hormones dropping and sleep deprivation this week is just killing any patience.

I went to ballet class last weekend, and as I was leaving and putting away my stuff, some lady and her friend with a new baby were next to me. The lady was saying how she wanted another, but "what if she had twins again?" As in, that was the WORST thing she could imagine! Omg. I was thinking some EXTREMELY UNKIND things let me tell you.

 

[ReadynWaiting]

Puppies are the cutest but do require a lot of work! Like kids lol.
I have a hard time being around people that are pg or have new babies that can't appreciate all that comes with it. I have a friend that is pg and knows the struggles we have had and I feel like she rubs it in my face that they are having a baby. I've actually stopped talking to her and hanging around as its been too hard. She doesn't seem to concerned about it so whatever. I have other friends that are just so cautious and concerned about mentioning anything baby so as not to upset me. Those friends I ask about their pregnancies or babies.

 

[Sophie2015]

Hi ladies. I've been lurking but would like to join in. First let me say how sorry I am for all your losses. There truly is no other pain, heartache, and frustration like RPL. I know it all too well. I've just completed my 5th recurrent loss as well. A little of my story....
Married right after I turned 41. Neither of us had kids. Got pregnant right away but discovered at my 8 week ultrasound the HB was 42 and baby measured more than a week behind. HB faded away but I never mc'd so had a D&C. Pregnant 2 months later but same story. Low HB and measuring more than a week behind at 8 week ultrasound. HB faded and I waited 7 weeks for a mc before finally taking Cytotec to induce. And then we couldn't get pregnant. My OB sent off thrombophilia labs and I have MTHFR and PAI-1 4g/4g. I saw 3 Drs and all said all I need was baby Asa and methyl folate to treat. I asked repeatedly about Lovenox and was told no. Nine months after the 2nd loss we saw an RE. All labs and tests on myself and DH were normal. RE was aware of my clotting studies and agreed I only needed baby Asa. So we moved forward. We did 2 rounds of clomid with IUI but my lining was too thin. We did 1 round of Femara with IUI and conceived. And it went well!! We were over the moon. And then I lost her. At 15 weeks. Genetics told us she was a girl and had Down Syndrome. A year later and many medicated cycles yielded no pregnancy. So we tried Follistim with IUI. And at 43 I shocked them all and over responded. Had 7-15 follicles! So they triggered me early and that resulted in a CP. Thirteen days later we conceived baby #5 with our 2nd Follistim IUI cycle. Great betas and P4 levels. HB at 6.2 weeks was 126. Twelve days later the HB was gone. Genetics told us he was a boy and had trisomy 15. I had a D&C as I've never mc'd on my own and I hemorrhaged. Lost over a pint of blood in 20 minutes. A week later I tried to hemorrhage again. And 4 days after that threw a clot and developed a pulmonary embolism and spent 4 days in the hospital. A hematologist was called in. And she said I NEVER should have been pregnant or ttc especially with estrogen increasing drugs without first being on Lovenox. She also said ivf could be fatal but that's our next step. We can't quit. But damn if I don't feel defeated.
I'm also struggling with other people. Pregnancies. New babies. It's awful. People telling me it's going to work out for me just makes me angry. We've lost 5 babies in under 3 years. It doesn't feel like anything will ever be okay. Sigh.
Anyway. Thank you for reading and letting me hijack your post. I understand what you are going through and my heart breaks for all of you.

 

[Sophie2015]

Oh and I too am thinking about getting a puppy. Sadly we lost our feline furbaby between losing baby #4 and #5. 😕

 

[ReadynWaiting]

Sophie-I'm so sorry for all of your heartache! How scary all that you have gone through. You will definitely make an amazing mama as you are already risking your life for your child's. I hemourraged with my 2nd d and c and it was the scariest thing ever.
It drives me nuts the more stories I hear where Drs 'know' they are right or give misinformation based on their opinions. Hopefully now you have the info you need to get what you so want.

 

[Sophie2015]

Thank you ReadynWaiting. I hope so too. But I'm afraid this process has taken so long that I'm finally just too old.

 

[ReadynWaiting]

Will you start Ivf soon? Until your eggs are dried up there is still hope. I'm sure you def feel the time crunch though. I really hope the next step gets you your rainbow!

 

[LacePrincess]

Sophie - I'm so very sorry. I can feel the pain in your post, and I'm just so damned sorry for all you've gone through.


Ready - hehehe puppies are like, newborns and a potty training toddler all rolled into one, only they chew up your stuff too! (I lost my netbook charging cable today grrr!) But I love her so much, I think she's my heart dog, she's exactly what I needed - to have something really need me to love and take care of them.

I too have lost friends who just don't get it, and never will, and are ridiculously fertile. I have this one ex-friend who got EVERYTHING they wanted as soon as they wanted it. They got pregnant immediately, and even got the genders in the order they wanted. I just.....I couldn't even talk to her, it was like we were in two different universes with no common language. The vast amount of things people like that take for granted, I just can't deal with it. It makes me so angry they aren't on their knees thanking their higher being EVERY MINUTE for how blessed they are, I can't.

I can't bear to even look at pregnant ladies, it hurts too much to feel like my body has broken and failed me and can never do what it was supposed to do.

Oh well, I guess I'll just dress up my little shih-tzu puppy and resign myself to being the crazy little-dog lady, lol.

 

[Sophie2015]

Ready- we will start ivf with pgd as soon as my cycle restarts. This is the longest I've ever waited after a loss so getting a little worried. Still hoping we can start ivf in November though.

Lace- I've lost all my friends. Including my BFF of 16 years. She was like my sister. But after my first loss she turned up pregnant without trying. She couldn't understand my grief or my difficulty with her pregnancy. She said I shut her out immediately after my D&C for that loss and only focused on myself. So she ended our friendship.

It's such a hard lonely road. And people who haven't lived it just don't understand.

 

[ReadynWaiting]

Lace- you need to show us a pic of this sweet lil puppy!!
We actually have a baby shower for the 'friend' who has been rubbing it in my face. They have a child already so not sure why they are having another shower but I just can't go. Another couple that will be their just had a baby that I don't think they truly appreciate but felt they needed to compete with other family. I just don't trust I won't say something.
Sophie-I hate that a friend broke up with you because they don't understand loss and how it breaks our souls. I go to a support group and feel more connected to these women that I hardly know but I have seen the depths of their soul. We are sisters in loss and no one judges or treats you like an outcast.
I'm always here to chat if you need someone to talk to or vent to.

 

[Sophie2015]

Ready- thank you so much. I have a niece (by marriage) who is pregnant. She is 21, unmarried, uneducated, unemployed, and super immature. Has no business having a baby. No father for the baby either. Her baby shower was recently. I couldn't go. I also didn't trust myself to keep my mouth shut. Plus I just can't be happy for her.
And I agree, let's see this puppy!!