Fighting, sibling jealousy and competitiveness

[Zephram]

I have two boys, aged 4 (5 in October) and almost 2, and they are constantly bickering, fighting over toys and acting jealous of each other.

I know sibling rivalry is normal, but it's pretty much constant!

The jealousy and competitiveness is probably 2/3 on the part of my 4 year old. DS2 cannot play with anything without DS1 coming to take the toy off him - it's toys he doesn't even want to play with, he only wants them because DS2 has them.

DS2 has a slightly more laid back personality and will usually give it up when we say to wait your turn, but DS1 is like a dog with a bone and just will not back off DS2 and wait his turn.

If I give either of them a hug, the other one runs over and tries to push the other one off so they can have me to themselves.

If we ever do something both of them will yell, 'Me first!' and pack a sad if they have to go second.

They'll play together nicely for about 10% of the time, but it always ends in crying after about 5 minutes. DS2 talks very well for his age and is quite physical so it's not so much that he can't keep up with DS1 although some games break down because he can't understand the rules DS1 makes up.

Is it because they are both boys and they both seem to have quite competitive natures? Are we doing something wrong? We try to give them equal amounts of attention but sometimes I feel we tell DS1 off a little more because he's old enough to understand better about not hitting or taking toys than DS2 is.

I'm just getting fed up and a little sad that they don't seem to get along and we can barely have a moment of nice family time because they both want to be first, both want the same toy, etc, etc.

I'm pregnant with a third baby and I'm scared it's going to make the dynamic worse!! The age gap will be roughly the same as between DS1 and DS2 and I'm worried about this as I feel the age gap between the two (2 years and 8 months) is part of the problem. They aren't quite close enough in age to play the same games at the ages they are - I can't for the life of me think why any would want that 2-3 year age gap that is so popular and here we are doing it for the second time. Argh!!

 

[apple_20]

I feel your pain. Though mine aren't quite as bad (they play nicely half the time) they are getting worse. I think it's the ages they are. 4 year old at school rubbing along with other 4/5 year ago kids and expecting the same kind of play. And my 2 year old being 2 wanting to be 4 but still being a baby really.

And I have a boy and a girl.

I have no real advice sorry, it's lovely when they play nicely together but seems to be less and less. All I'm trying to do is praise the nice things they do for each other and be firm with the others. Like they have started biting each other and pinching recently I do not tolerate that, time out or toys taken away.

It's hard to judge how much to intervene with general squabbles as they do need to figure out conflict resolution for themselves.

 

[petite ping]

Depends on the period. Mine love playing with each other (there's a 19 month difference between the two) but they do want the same things.

I tend to buy small toys by two and not buy different ones but the same for every one.

Big toys are for birthdays where they both understand that it's the other's special day.

Sharing is less complicated if it's playdoh or lego.

But if there is a major fight about an object, I don't ask any questions or expect them to sort it out themselves...I just confiscate it.

One thing I do that seemed to help in their relationship is asking them to kiss and hug when they say goodbye to each other (like when I drop DD2 off at the nanny's house and DD1 goes to school) or when one gets hurt by accident or is ill. Since I started doing that they seem to give more attention to the wellbeing of other people.

 

[lau86]

It's a phase! My oldest son is nearly 6 and has matured so much recently to the point where he can rise above these things or just go and do something else.
ETA and I have 3 with similar age gaps to yours and in terms of sharing/ fighting, I do think it's more to do with the age and maturity of the children rather than the amount of children! My three play nicely

 

[Sealion24]

My 2 boys are exactly the same, there is 2 years 11 months between them and I feel like I spend all day telling them to stop fighting and hitting each other like you I am also pregnant with our third and the gap will be 2 years 3months and have no idea how I'm going to manage!