Figuring out a custody agreement - whats fair?

[Natsku]

My ex doesn't want to make an agreement in writing but I think it would be best for Maria to have it all regular so that she knows when she's going to be with me or with her dad.

I know he would want to spend as much time with her as possible, and he is a good dad (well not so good at sticking to her routine but he loves her very much and they have a great bond) but I don't want her to be away from me too much either.

What do you think would be a fair agreement?

 

[angelpkj]

i think its what you feel comfortable with
with her being 1 i would perhaps friday and sat

bit pointless him having her in the week atm cause shes gunna be going bed at like 6/7?? so i assumed fob gets home from work at 530 and doesnt get much time with her then

 

[Natsku]

He doesn't work and at the moment she is (annnoyingly) not going to bed til after ten.

I think I'm gonna ask him in 2 days a week is ok. He hates the idea of a formal agreement so its hard to approach him with this.

 

[angelpkj]

if he doesnt work id say a full wed and a sat then its split up abit
does she nap in the day still?

i just put LO in bed at 6-630 weva hes ready or not haha

 

[Natsku]

Yeah she naps around 3 hours in the day. She's usually still napping at 6!

I'll see what he says to that. I don't think he'll want it split though as he's an hour drive away so that'll cost a lot in petrol.

 

[CaptainMummy]

What about 2 night a week and once a month he could have her for 3 nights? thats just a random thought from the top of my head

If u were to ask him, what do u think he would suggest? I also think ubshould keep the days together as it will be more of a stable routine for maria too
Xx

 

[Natsku]

If I was to ask him he would say lets just figure it out week by week

 

[lizardbreath]

How me and fob have done it is I get every Monday & Tuesday. He gets every Wednesday & Thursday . I get every Friday he gets every Saturday. And we alternate Sundays. We split in January and so far its been working

 

[Natsku]

Wow thats a very even split!

 

[Laura2919]

What do you feel comfortable with and what does he expect? The last thread like this turned into a battle between people not really understanding a situation and wanting to think they know what its like.

Anyway, FOB used to have a day in the week and every other weekend and now he's got them every other weekend because they started nursery and it suited the girls better that they didn't go to his mums for just 2-3 hours after they finished nursery.

It depends though because she is young, the girls were 2 years and 8 months when we split so were a bit older, though they didn't really understand and sometimes still ask if I am going with them when they go to their dads.

 

[Donna35]

I think weekends would be best really as if or when he gets a job it would have to be changed and also when she starts nursery/school. I would put that to him that he have her Saturday til Sunday maybe (if you're comfortable with that of course) and see how he reacts. I definitely wouldn't do it his way of seeing how it goes week to week as it's best to have a set routine that Maria and you both can get used to and also you may want to make plans and if things are up in the air that makes it harder for that.

 

[Natsku]

I think I would be comfortable with 2 nights a week. I want him to have her every week as she's a big daddy's girl and would miss him too much if she didn't see him every week.

I think he would expect something more along the line of I have her one week and he has her the next which in a sense is some ways but I wouldn't want her to be gone that long regularly (plus not sure how that would effect things like child benefit - would we have to split it and would I not get the single parent increase anymore. Confusing.)

I just hope we can reach a reasonable agreement as I really don't want to take him to court over it as we're getting on so well now and that would ruin that completely.

 

[Donna35]

I think I would be comfortable with 2 nights a week. I want him to have her every week as she's a big daddy's girl and would miss him too much if she didn't see him every week.

I think he would expect something more along the line of I have her one week and he has her the next which in a sense is some ways but I wouldn't want her to be gone that long regularly (plus not sure how that would effect things like child benefit - would we have to split it and would I not get the single parent increase anymore. Confusing.)

I just hope we can reach a reasonable agreement as I really don't want to take him to court over it as we're getting on so well now and that would ruin that completely.

I absolutely would HATE that kind of arrangement. Mainly though as then where does the child see as 'home'? It's like moving house every single week. I think two nights a week is extremely reasonable - say he collects her Friday evening and returns her Sunday morning - to me that seems quite reasonable and also wouldn't affect your benefits. I'm not sure how things work where you are with regards to that though.

 

[Natsku]

Yeah I would see it as being confusing to Maria when she gets older if she has two homes like that. Plus it would be impossible when she starts school.

Gonna see him on wednesday cos he's picking her up then and taking me to the dentist so I'll see what he thinks about a couple days a week. Weekends aren't good really though cos his dad and step mum want to see her sometimes and that can only happen on weekends cos his step mum works in the week (they live near me)

 

[faun]

How about he has her sunday morning till tuesday morning that way he gets two nights and two days and she still gets to see her grandparents at the weekend and when she starts school it would be easy to change to saturday evening to monday morning and then once a month or every two weeks he could have her straight after school on a friday till bedtime on a sunday.

 

[Natsku]

That sounds good!

 

[Laura2919]

Natsku, I have a friend who does this. She picks her son up from school on the Monday and he stays with her all week and then the following Monday she drops him at school and his dad collects him after school and he does the next week at his dads. She finds it hard, she misses him, he's an older boy though but Maria is so young, you'd miss out on a lot of things that she does and you might end up regretting it, don't let him bully you into something you don't want to do (I am not saying he would, I am just saying don't let him for anyone who thinks I am being a cow )

Faun suggested a good idea although this would be too long for me it might work for you It is never easy having to hand over your child but you'll get there

 

[Natsku]

Yeah if she was older it might be different but at this age I don't want to miss out on all the new things she does like learning words and that.

You're right, its not easy to hand your child over We've been trying to spend a few hours together as the 3 of us when he picks her up as I think that makes it easier for her but I feel so sad when they drive off

 

[Laura2919]

Yeah it is horrible and sometimes even when things have settled that feeling creeps up on you. I really didn't want the girls to go this weekend, felt like I was going to miss them terribly but I just did the best I could with my weekend and soon they were home. I had a lovely time and it is nice to just be you, catch up on sleep, tidying, friends. Whatever as long as you get some time.

Maybe do Sunday morning to Tuesday evening and then see how that works.

 

[Natsku]

Yeah having time to myself will be nice, get all the cleaning done and catch up on sleep. Gotta look on the positive side, that helps.

Lets hope he agrees!