Finding a Doula?

[katerdid]

My husband can be so stupid sometimes. I brought up the idea of taking a birthing class at my hospital and he scoffed at it. Asked me why I would need to take one because isn't it "something that happens naturally"? He thinks giving birth is like having sex - you don't really need to know anything about it beforehand, it just comes to you by instinct.
Ok, granted, your body generally knows what it's supposed to do. However, your mind really doesn't. At least in my case, where I've never given birth before. So ya think I'd like to be prepared and informed about what's going to be happening? And I think I would like someone there to help me through it, don't you agree?

I've come to the conclusion that my husband, my support, isn't going to be any help at all. And I'm going to need some support as my family lives 12 hours away and probably won't make it to the birth.
So maybe I should start looking into hiring a doula? I'm 25 weeks, so I don't have a lot of time left. Where should I start? How do I do this?

 

[Samantha675]

https://www.dona.org/

Start here, and look for doulas in your area. Pick at least 3, give them a call and have a chat, then you can set up a meeting. Go with the one that feels right. Ask loads of questions.

Talk to your husband. Tell him when he gives birth he can do what ever he likes, but this is YOU giving birth, and this is what you want and NEED. Partner support is very important, and he needs to take his role seriously. To put it in boy logic, if he is going to build or fix something around the house, he doesn't just use his hands. He has a tool kit. The more tools in his kit, the better job he is going to do. The same applies to birth. Everything you do to put another tool in your kit, the better you birth will be. If he doesn't want to take classes, head to a bookstore, and pick up a book on Bradley method, or hypnobirthing, or whatever birthing method appeals to you.

 

[fides]

i like the tool kit idea, samantha!!

i basically picked a few doulas by what they said about themselves on their website then set up interviews, but my DH & i just loved the 1st one we met with (felt like we'd just known her), so I think we're going with her. Good luck!

One thing that has helped my DH "get into" the whole birth process is Dr. Bradley's book "Husband-Coached Childbirth." LOADED with info for the dad-to-be about the whole birth process, AND it is changing many of the attitudes about birth that my DH used to have - would highly recommend him checking that book out, even if you're not going to go with the Bradley method (we're not).

 

[bassdesire]

I found my doula at 33 weeks into my first pregnancy and it was MAGNIFICENT. Doulas are a laboring woman's godsend. I could not have had my amazing natural birth without my doula.

Where at in Virginia are you? I have a lot of connections in the area. I also can give you recommendations of doulas-in-training, which are often cheaper. Mine was in training and she was so much better and more attentive than some senior doulas.

DONA is only 1 certifier, there are plenty more, but you can look here. Doulas can cost between $800 and $1,500 in most area, and some training doulas are from about $300-$500. Best money I EVER spent.

https://www.dona.org/mothers/find_a_doula.php

 

[indigo_fairy]

My husband can be so stupid sometimes. I brought up the idea of taking a birthing class at my hospital and he scoffed at it. Asked me why I would need to take one because isn't it "something that happens naturally"? He thinks giving birth is like having sex - you don't really need to know anything about it beforehand, it just comes to you by instinct.
Ok, granted, your body generally knows what it's supposed to do. However, your mind really doesn't. At least in my case, where I've never given birth before. So ya think I'd like to be prepared and informed about what's going to be happening? And I think I would like someone there to help me through it, don't you agree?

I've come to the conclusion that my husband, my support, isn't going to be any help at all. And I'm going to need some support as my family lives 12 hours away and probably won't make it to the birth.
So maybe I should start looking into hiring a doula? I'm 25 weeks, so I don't have a lot of time left. Where should I start? How do I do this?

If I were you I'd be showing him how it was naturally coming to me by instinct to not have any sex for that comment Seriously though, you are right, I thought it would come to me more by instinct in my first birth, and it really didn't because I didn't have a good enough support system. My hubbie didn't know how to help me when I was in such distress because I was just scared as I didn't know how to manage the labour (didn't help with the intervention from the MW's). If I'd had a doula maybe things would have been very different.

This time I've done alot of reading and research and feel much more comfortable with things. I also have a doula who has been a real support to me even through just listening to any issues or emotional moments, and I know she's going to be a key factor in helping me to get the labour and birth I want.

 

[NaturalMomma]

https://www.birthingnaturally.net/directory/doula/virginia.html

 

[katerdid]

Where at in Virginia are you? I have a lot of connections in the area. I also can give you recommendations of doulas-in-training, which are often cheaper. Mine was in training and she was so much better and more attentive than some senior doulas.

I live in the Charlottesville area. If you have any recommendations, that would be fabulous!


Thank you ladies for such helpful comments!!!! Sadly, my DH won't read to save his life, although I might read it for him and give him my footnotes.
I do think I need to have a better talk with him - I love the toolbox analogy Samantha...def gonna use it.
Indigo_fairy: Thanks! That is my biggest worry: not knowing enough and not having a support system to calm me down. I know it's going to be a big, long, brand new experience and I really don't want it to be scary.
Thank you ladies again! I will look at those websites and hopefully talk some sense into my silly husband

 

[smithgirl]

UMMM isn't sex better now that you've had some practice? I'm sure the first time you did it didn't rock your freaking world-labor needs some preparing for too! He doesn't just put it in you without getting you a little ready, why the HELL would he expect labor to be fine without preparation? MEN.

 

[katerdid]

UMMM isn't sex better now that you've had some practice? I'm sure the first time you did it didn't rock your freaking world-labor needs some preparing for too! He doesn't just put it in you without getting you a little ready, why the HELL would he expect labor to be fine without preparation? MEN.

Amen sister!

 

[aliss]

OH's point is irrelevant. Few paired virgins know what the hell they were doing the first time.

Having a doula is like a virgin doing it with someone older, wiser, and more experienced in the ways of the body

 

[madasa]

Hmmmm. He's sort of right. If allowed to birth uindisturbed and unhindered (and if your culture hadn't drummed it into you that it's all some awful emergency etc etc) you probably wouldn't need all that much prep. How many classes did this chimp go to?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bF_T3wBE14

BUT - the reality is that your culture HAS been convincing you from a young age that your body is sub-standard. Chimps and tigers don't have to contend with that. YOU DO.

Plus, modern care of pregnant and birthing women does not usually allow for the woman to be undisturbed. HE has to be prepared for that, and know how to stand up for you if necessary. Someone has to protect your space. Does he understand how to do this and why it is so important?

Even when birthing comes easily to women, we've been doing it for millenia! Men have never done it and they have only been allowed in the room for the last few decades! It does not come easily to most men AT ALL! They can be quite alarmed, frightened, overwhelmed, anxious, upset..... Maternity wards can be hugely busy, and with all the energies focussed on women and babies, men can feel uncomfortable, unwelcome, helpless and disempowered.

A doula would be a great idea, whether your OH is there or not and whether you think he'll be up to it or not. I wish I'd had one for BOTH my births (one hopsy, one home) and my OH was fantastic, he couldn't have been better! The FOB can provide AWESOME support but it's different than doula support.

 

[runrunmama]

Your husband may just be having a hard time adjusting to the fact that well, soon your going to pop, take initiative as the others above have suggested but remember your husband loves you and is just probably acting out a bit