First Pregnancy, miscarriage

[NZKiwi]

Thanks everyone

I have booked in to get my hair done in the afternoon after the scan, I'm sure the scan is routine and will show there is nothing left and then I can wipe my hands of the medical community (for now), getting my hair done is a nice way to treat myself and make myself feel better.

I'm starting to look forward to things, like when I can go back to the gym, when I can keep my eye makeup on without crying it off. Tonight I'm going to have a beer with dinner. I also woke up today desperate to be pregnant again, not only has this mc robbed me of my baby but it's robbed me of time too, I can't bear having to wait to start trying, then endure the two week wait. I'm telling myself not to be disappointed if I don't get pregnant on the first cycle (we thought we were so lucky because we got the BFP after our first cycle this time, so I guess I have expectations I have to deal with around that) I worry that each cycle I don't get a BFP will rehash the mc again. Then I feel callus that I'm thinking of moving on days after it happened. I just feel desperate. I thought I was broody before we got to start ttc, but it's even worse now, I guess because I was living with it as a reality and not a fantasy it's amazing how you see that extra line on the hpt and just bond with the baby straight away.


Spudtastic, I think having your baby and being able to bury her is wonderful. It sounds like you have a nice ceremony planned. Me and DH have been trying to think of a way to honor our babies memory, I was thinking of getting a cactus, because neither of us really have green thumbs and I don't want to be in a position where I accidentally 'kill' the babies memory plant. Cacti are pretty hardy!

My midwife said that for the next pregnancy she will send me for more bloods and early scans, she thinks it will help alleviate any anxiety I'm likely to experience, the cynic in me thinks 'well at least I will know quicker if something is wrong'. I know I have to try and not think that way, gotta try to stay positive eh?

Each day at a time.

And you are right Jaspie, I guess it will make us more compassionate people to others in our life who may experience this awful situation (although I really hope no one does), and know that we can lend comfort and not add to distress

I actually wrote a FB post about my and DH's experience, it is wonderful how many offers of support we got and it amazed me how many people messaged me to tell me their stories, stories I had no idea about. It's so taboo, no one talks about it and I didn't want to pretend nothing happened to us, I wanted to make clear that I wasn't ashamed of what happened, and I wouldn't be silent about it. It felt, amazingly cathartic. Before that I felt I was hiding out at home.

 

[jaspie]

That's amazing Nz! I often thought about the Facebook post and breaking the silence around miscarriage but never went through with it in the end.That's so awesome!

Re trying again i totally feel you! We also got pregnant the first cycle so i am trying to manage my expectations that it may not be as quick again. And yes learning to deal with waiting has been one of my challenges as i don't do it very well! But I think I'm getting better at it. You will get past the desperate stage, it consumed me i could barely concentrate on anything else i had such a need to be pregnant again. But it passed and now although i am looking forward to being pregnant again i don't feel consumed by it. Only occasionally Also a bit worried that every bfn and af will bring everything back but just trying to trust that it will be okay. We can do this! I'm sure you'll be trying again and have your bfp before you know it. There's so many success stories on this site too, the friends i made on here after my mc are almost all pregnant again now!
I'm having my haircut tonight and looking forward to it, i think it's a great idea to do it after the scan, it kind of sets you off on your new journey

 

[InTheVerse]

I'm so sorry for your loss NZ, miscarriage is one of the hardest thing your body and mind can go through- it's really, really shit.

Treating yourself is a good idea. Doing things that make you feel even a little bit less bad.

I felt (and sometimes still get twinges of) that guilt combined with need, you desperately want a baby, want to be pregnant again but then feel disloyal to your lost baby. It's normal from what I've been told, both here and by friends that have been through miscarriage.

Take things a day at a time. You are not a failure or at fault. No one is but we do all feel that way, it's heartbreaking and normal.

Miscarriage is, sadly, a taboo. It's only when you talk about it that so many others share their experiences and hurt. I'm glad you got some lovely responses and support, that's what you need right now. Look after yourself.

 

[NZKiwi]

Thank you for your kind words InTheVerse, they really are appreciated