First Pregnancy, miscarriage

[NZKiwi]

I'm writing this because I can't sleep.

Two days ago I started to get brown spotting, midwife wasn't concerned because of lack of cramps and the fact it was a small amount. She scheduled an early scan just to set my mind at ease. It was today. They found no heartbeat. They found an empty sack. Then worse when I went into the bathroom at the clinic to empty my bladder I started clotting then and there. Still no cramping, i have to go into the hospital tomorrow so they can take care of it

I feel like a failure. Like I failed at being a woman
I feel like I don't know how to go on
I feel like my world has ended
I feel like this is cosmic punishment because I used to say I never wanted children and then I changed my mind
I feel like I have failed my husband (of course he doesn't feel this way and is devastated but also supportive)
I feel like a fool, for being excited, for saying good night and good morning to my 'baby' everyday, for letting myself believe it was actually this easy

Part of me wants it out and done with as fast as possible so we can move on, the other part of me doesn't want to let go, part of me thinks maybe they got it wrong.

I quit smoking 1.5 years ago but I went and brought cigarettes and had one because I thought, why the fuck not?

And I know there's not really closure, no body, no funeral and no understanding from a lot of people and people will say "oh it happens all the time" like my grief is some how unjustified or an over reaction.

I told my friend, she was sorry for me but then proceeded to put up numerous pictures of her children on facebook, like 5 in a row.

How do you go on? How do you pick yourself up? How do you have faith in your body again?

 

[Puppylove52]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I miscarried twins in January. I has the exact same feelings of anger and failure that you do. Hell I still have those feelings sometimes. It sucks so bad and people who have never been there have no idea how it feels... As women, our job is carrying babies. It's like we failed at our jobs. I stayed angry for a while. I stopped going to church and just stayed pissed off at everyone! Especially pregnant women! Then one day I woke up and had a good day. And then another. And I realized, I can't stay angry. I'm wasting the life that I have staying pissed off and bitter and I'm missing out on things in my life. Your time will come, and it will get better. I am now scared of ever doing it again.. My innocence is lost. I too talked to my babies.. I was so excited.. I told my family.. But in a way I'm glad I did.. It helped in the healing process to have support. Just stay strong on days that you can.. And cry when you need to.

 

[Jsjskanamks]

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. Reading your post was heart breaking. It is not your fault. I really hope you find the strength through this. I'm here if you need anything

 

[AnnieMac2]

I'm so sorry. I felt like a fool too, and as if other people looked at me with sympathy as if I was pathetic. Try to be as gentle with yourself as you are with other people. You wouldn't consider other women a failure on here, right? Your feelings are especially raw right now and they will be intense for awhile, but it slowly gets more tolerable although some of the feelings linger. A woman on here once said that she told herself after each bad hour or day that that moment is over and she will not have to live at least that exact moment again. I don't if that helps, but it helped me a bit. I tried to live the healthy life that my lost baby would've been a part of (easier said than done, and some days I came nowhere near accomplishing that. had a cig relapse too!)

I ended up taking the facebook app off my phone and not forcing myself to tolerate insensitive friends' company just to be strong. Do what you need to do now. I wish I had less vague advice. I'm a little shaky myself today, but I do remember feeling much worse a few weeks ago. I had a little more faith in my body and less anger with it once I got my first bfn, then first period, etc. Some of these milestones helped.

Hang in there. The feelings change, even if that seems unimaginable. xoxoxo

 

[jaspie]

NzKiwi I'm so so sorry for your loss, I'm devastated for you. It really is the worst feeling in the world and it just hurts so much, the feeling of failure is awful. I felt like my world had ended too. Annie macs advice is good, try to treat yourself as you would a friend. You are not a failure in any way and this is not cosmic punishment, you are just unlucky. Such a small word with such a huge effect but that's what it is. Although it feels like it will never get better i promise you it will, i am almost 3 months from when they told me there was no heartbeat and although i have sad days sometimes for the majority of the time I'm happy and looking forward to next time. I know you probably can't imagine next time at the moment as you want the baby you had, but once this awful time has passed you'll be able to think of your baby with love while still looking forward to trying again and know that soon he or she will be back with you in a new body. That's what I believe, that it will be the same soul.
You must be patient with yourself, kind to yourself and lean on your DH. Take time off work if you don't feel like going and don't go back until you're ready to. Sending you so many hugs

 

[sunshine2014]

I agree with all of the above comments. This is not your fault at all, after experiencing a mc we unfortunately come to realize just how common it is. There is absolutely nothing that you (or we) could have done to prevent this outcome. It will get easier, I can promise that. So until it does, rest and take care of yourself. Give yourself whatever time you need to heal. It will slowly start to get better..

 

[Jk565]

NZKiwi, there is nothing you could do to cause your miscarriage. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it. It is not your fault.
It is unfortunately common, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less.
Im sorry for the loss of your bub. You didnt deserve this loss, nobody does.

 

[AnnieMac2]

I hope you're recovering ok. I just wanted to pop back on here and thank you for being so honest. I've been thinking about your cosmic comment and realized I feel similarly. I come from an abusive alcoholic home and am realizing that part of my sadness is fear that I'm screwed up and the universe is saying I'll be bad a parent and shouldn't continue these genes. Although I escaped all that when I was 18 and people are surprised to learn where I come from, I still wonder if maybe I'm like my parents who shouldn't have had children. So thanks for bringing that into focus and making me realize I have something deep down to resolve before I can move on.

 

[NZKiwi]

Hi everyone

Thank you for all your supportive comments, its comforting, although I am sad to know that each and everyone of you has experienced this too. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I went to the hospital yesterday but they won't do anything for a week. They have to make sure the baby is dead and I haven't gotten my dates wrong. I haven't gotten my dates wrong. I was so angry. The doctor said if they don't wait a week then there is a chance that by getting medically involved they would be preforming a termination. He then looked at me and said "I don't preform terminations" I wanted to smack him in his smug little face and scream "ITS MY BODY, MY CHOICE" another example of the patriarchal medical complex removing women's agency over their own bodies. I'm so angry and traumatized. The odds of this pregnancy being 'viable' are slim to none. Why don't they listen to us? We know our own bodies, we know what is best for ourselves. Jaspie, I know they did this to you too. It just drags out the experience and prevents us from moving forward. I think I'm at the angry stage of the grief process.

I have started cramping and bleeding and passing what looks like tissue. It's not that painful, but I don't know if its going to increase or not or how to tell when it's over. I'm booked in for another scan on Thursday. It's going to be horrific. I don't want to see it. If/when I get pregnant again I don't know how I will manage going in for a scan, I think it would give me PTSD

My work and my lectures at uni have been fantastic, I have been given huge extensions and my work say to come back when I'm ready. I'm really lucky in that regard. My DH has been amazing too.

AnnieMac I'm sorry you feel the same way as me, about being punished somehow. I'm confident that we will figure it out and move on and feel we do deserve to be happy.

Is it silly that I am dreading Kate Middleton giving birth? I don't think I can handle all the press coverage of it. I deactivated my Facebook. I'm not ready to see all the newborns and pregnancy announcements. I'm sure soon I will be in a place where I can be happy for others. But not today.

Jaspie how long did it take for your cycle to come back?

Finally I just want to say that all you ladies are incredibly strong. Much love

 

[AnnieMac2]

Your doctor really pisses me off, and I'm with you on the feelings about how women are treated by the medical community. I'm sorry you're being forced into another scan. How disgusting.

lol at Kate Middleton! I'm sick of the coverage on her boring maternity outfits haha.

 

[jaspie]

This bit sucks. Well it all sucks, but having to wait a week with your baby still inside you is awful. It's so unfair, i was so angry too it really does drag it all out because you're suspended in limbo. Can't deal with the grief and can't even start to move on. Awful. I coped by becoming detached, i think i knew I couldn't grieve yet so my thoughts just shut down about it. I also didn't want to look at the scan BUT in the end i did. I hadn't seen anything on the first scan when I found out there was no heartbeat apart from blackness and a bit of white, but the second scan the consultant asked if I wanted to see and decided i did want to see. I'm really glad I did as it was like i was saying goodbye. I could see the little blob attached to the placenta and the consultant talked me through what was what. I found it helpful, she offered me a picture which I declined at the time but now wish I'd taken. I know how you feel though, it filled me with dread with the thought of seeing it but it actually helped me accept and find my first shred of peace.

Totally hear you on the fear of having a scan, I'm shitting it already and we're not even trying yet. Definitely think it's traumatised me too.

I don't know if you chart? I charted before even ttc and started charting again the day after my d&c, it gave me a feeling of control and although my temps were all over the place to start with, i ovulated 4 weeks post d&c and got my period 6 weeks after. It took some of the uncertainty out of it for me. If you look on my profile at my other posts you can get to my ttc journal and then click on my chart in my signature you'll be taken to a ff page and scroll down you'll see my post mc chart.
If you're miscarrying naturally you'll probably get your period back quicker than i did i imagine as your hormone levels are already falling whereas my body was oblivious. The quicker they fall the sooner you'll be back to normal.

I'm glad your work are being so great, mine were too and I took 3 weeks off. I needed every single day. You'll find that you have more and more good days and you'll start to feel hope again rather than despair. Lots of love and hugs to you xx

 

[NZKiwi]

No I don't chart, I wouldn't really know how to begin. It is reassuring to hear that your cycle went back to normal that quickly. I've always been regular so I'm assuming mine will too.

I know what you mean about being numb, switching off. This morning I was just so angry, but now I don't really feel much. I think the physical discomfort I am in is aiding that though. I guess being numb is an emotional mechanism to protect us from to much trauma at once.

this whole thing just f**king sucks. For all of us. It's so unfair.

 

[jaspie]

Yes I think it's a protection thing too, our bodies know we can't deal with it yet so block it out.
If you were interested in charting all you need to buy is a bbt thermometer from amazon for about £4 and download fertility friend for free. Then take your temperature every morning after at least 3 hours solid sleep and at around the same time every day then record in fertility friend. I found it helpful as it made me feel like I was doing something and the control freak in me needed to know what my cycle was doing.
I also found that reading really helped take me away from my thoughts in a way that tv didn't. I reread all the Harry Potter books from start to finish while I was off. I found them comforting somehow and I could get lost in the story.

I'm sure your cycle will be back soon, our bodies are amazing really. I got pretty frustrated with mine but really to ovulate 4 weeks after d&c where my body thought i was 12 weeks pregnant is amazing considering the number pregnancy does on our bodies. It doesn't feel like it now but every week you will start feeling better and better, your good days will become more frequent and as someone else said, passing mini milestones like getting your period back all helps.

 

[NZKiwi]

I have been re watching the first season of 30 Rock, it's so silly and has helped me take my mind off things. I have also been cheering myself up by eating things I couldn't eat when pregnant. I really want a drink, but I don't think it's a good idea while I am bleeding. I think I have passed most of it out last night. It was really painful, but I'm glad it's mostly over. I go in for a scan to check I'm all clear on Thursday.

I think I might give the temping thing a go. Especially now to see and understand what is going on in my body. You are so right, pregnancy really does a number on us.

I have found this forum incredibly helpful, and especially you Jaspie, for providing so much support and understanding. My faith in the world is starting to return slowly. Thank you so much, and I'm sure we will all get our rainbow babies soon xoxo

 

[jaspie]

Yes I found this forum helpful too, it's good to speak to people who truly understand and who have been through it and come out the other side. I'm glad that it seems that it's over physically and hope that Thursday comes quickly for you.
Good idea to eat the food you couldn't eat! And enjoy a drink when you feel ready. I have no doubt we will get our rainbows here if you want to talk any time xx

 

[minties]

It is the most unfair abd horrendous shitty thing to have happen. Everyone is always so blaze` about uit too.

My MIL has a grand daughter who just lost her baby and she was like "oh well, she's young and she'll get pregnant again" and was so uncaring. I was shocked.

I remember just feeling totally alone when I had my first miscarriage. I was devastated abd everyone else was so casual about it.

 

[NZKiwi]

yeah my Nana was all like "oh well, next time" not understanding that there is a lot of anxiety around that, will it happen? When will it happen? will my body go back to normal? Next time doesn't cut it, I wanted this time. I wanted this one.

My MIL also said, at least you know you can get pregnant. Yeah, well what I really want to know is can I STAY pregnant?

I know people are trying to help you look to the future but at the time of saying this I was still miscarrying (I had a natural miscarriage at home and it lasted for 3 days and was incredibly painful)

Jaspie, they have pushed my scan back by a week, they say since I miscarried at home they have to wait longer to check to see if my uterus is clear, because at this point it will be full of blood clots (gross) so in a week I should have passed it all and they will get a more accurate idea of whether there is anything left that needs to be removed. It just keeps dragging out.

 

[jaspie]

What?? That is so unfair, you must be so fed up and upset they knew you were miscarrying naturally at the time so why not just tell you in the first place you have to wait longer for a scan rather than giving you a date and then pushing it back. The only consolation is that at least they'll be able to tell if it's over properly so you can move forward. But they still should have told you this from the start!
People say those cliché things meaning well but they just don't get it. I had both of those you mentioned plus "it was for the best". I understand what people are trying to say but it's just not helpful! A very (no consolation) small silver lining to this awful devastating situation is that it makes us more compassionate people to others and when we do get our babies we will treasure them so so much and not take anything for granted xx

 

[Spudtastic]

Nzkiwi - I just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss. I had my 12 week scan last Dec and baby was only 10 weeks with no heartbeat. I felt too that some of the medical professionals were insensitive.

I had an erpc in Dunedin and when you go for your pre op they ask if you would like to keep what they take out. They call it products of conceptiOn. I chose to have my baby. My baby got sent away for testing and when she was back the hospital packed her in a little silver box and sent her to me. I had to go to Queenstown to collect her but at least I didn't have to go to Dunedin (iI'm in wanaka). My little one is currently in the freezer (yes I feel bad) but in spring time I will bury her under a new plant In the garden along with a teddy and my pregnancy journal.

I miss her so much. I can't watch the news either. I had a mc back In july too and should have been due in march - well before Kate. And my last one was due in june. As june looms closer I get sad again especially as I'm not pregnant yet.

It does get better though. I was overwhelmed with sadness but I do get better everyday. This is ok. We don't need to bounce back straight away as it's a big loss.

 

[Spudtastic]

Oh sorry - I didn't read that you have miscarried naturally. I thought you were going in for the erpc.

The things people say are terrible.
My mil was crying over her friends who were dead and she made me cry too because I'd just lost my babies. She said something along the lines of 'bbut my friends were alive'.

And my friend said 'at least you can have lots of fun trying again'.

Someone else said 'Why are you upset. It's a pretty common thing to happen'
that same person said 'oh you don't want an operation. People still die having operations'. Erm like I had a choice. I would have died by not having the operation.

Anyway jjaspie is right. People just think they are being helpful but unless theyhave experienced it they really do not know what to say.