NZKiwi
cautiously optimistic
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2014
- Messages
- 3,632
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I'm writing this because I can't sleep.
Two days ago I started to get brown spotting, midwife wasn't concerned because of lack of cramps and the fact it was a small amount. She scheduled an early scan just to set my mind at ease. It was today. They found no heartbeat. They found an empty sack. Then worse when I went into the bathroom at the clinic to empty my bladder I started clotting then and there. Still no cramping, i have to go into the hospital tomorrow so they can take care of it
I feel like a failure. Like I failed at being a woman
I feel like I don't know how to go on
I feel like my world has ended
I feel like this is cosmic punishment because I used to say I never wanted children and then I changed my mind
I feel like I have failed my husband (of course he doesn't feel this way and is devastated but also supportive)
I feel like a fool, for being excited, for saying good night and good morning to my 'baby' everyday, for letting myself believe it was actually this easy
Part of me wants it out and done with as fast as possible so we can move on, the other part of me doesn't want to let go, part of me thinks maybe they got it wrong.
I quit smoking 1.5 years ago but I went and brought cigarettes and had one because I thought, why the fuck not?
And I know there's not really closure, no body, no funeral and no understanding from a lot of people and people will say "oh it happens all the time" like my grief is some how unjustified or an over reaction.
I told my friend, she was sorry for me but then proceeded to put up numerous pictures of her children on facebook, like 5 in a row.
How do you go on? How do you pick yourself up? How do you have faith in your body again?
Two days ago I started to get brown spotting, midwife wasn't concerned because of lack of cramps and the fact it was a small amount. She scheduled an early scan just to set my mind at ease. It was today. They found no heartbeat. They found an empty sack. Then worse when I went into the bathroom at the clinic to empty my bladder I started clotting then and there. Still no cramping, i have to go into the hospital tomorrow so they can take care of it
I feel like a failure. Like I failed at being a woman
I feel like I don't know how to go on
I feel like my world has ended
I feel like this is cosmic punishment because I used to say I never wanted children and then I changed my mind
I feel like I have failed my husband (of course he doesn't feel this way and is devastated but also supportive)
I feel like a fool, for being excited, for saying good night and good morning to my 'baby' everyday, for letting myself believe it was actually this easy
Part of me wants it out and done with as fast as possible so we can move on, the other part of me doesn't want to let go, part of me thinks maybe they got it wrong.
I quit smoking 1.5 years ago but I went and brought cigarettes and had one because I thought, why the fuck not?
And I know there's not really closure, no body, no funeral and no understanding from a lot of people and people will say "oh it happens all the time" like my grief is some how unjustified or an over reaction.
I told my friend, she was sorry for me but then proceeded to put up numerous pictures of her children on facebook, like 5 in a row.
How do you go on? How do you pick yourself up? How do you have faith in your body again?