First time daddy advice!

[BostonLover89]

I don't want to rant too long, but long story short: my husband and I have not stopped fighting. He has been completely detached throughout the pregnancy so far and it's driving me nuts, even a little depressed as I have had moments of regret (in terms of the pregnancy). I know it's different for the men in terms of connection, but he won't even talk about the baby without rolling his eyes or saying something insensitive. During our gender scan, when we found out it was a girl, he went mute and said nothing to me for the rest of the night. Now, whenever I want to talk about nursery purchases, name, or anything else, we end up fighting. I don't bring those things up often even because I know we will fight.

I'll admit I'm over sensitive, but It's not like I can help that. My issue is that he is having a hard time realizing that he needs to adjust to my state of pregnant sensitivity/needyness. I've even been less inclined to talk to him about being pregnant at all so he's not really getting all of my excitement/fears/anxiety.

He's never been an uber sensitive guy, but right now he needs to at least try to be, I can't go on another 20 weeks like this. Any advice? How do I explain this to him? Are there daddy books you would recommend?

 

[Tinky_82]

If you're in the UK I'd suggest an nct class. I think that helped by husband.
It is tough for men - they can't understand what we feel and until baby arrives it's tough for them to imagine.

 

[callmedan]

maybe when your in bed one night try and calmly discuss your problems, this is a time you need to feel totally secure with him

to be honest ive felt a little like this recently (although not as severe) DH is very excited for baby girls arrival but I feel like he was a bit detached from me, I spoke to him about it and since he has been a lot better. I think its a bit me being too sensitive aswell but I think your husband would appreciate you telling him your concerns x

 

[babybambi]

There's a guy in my office that's due a baby. He was adamant he wasn't having children, but when he announced it I said congrats and chuckled. He said recently someone bought him the book 'commando dad' and he loves it, because it's written by a guy and he connected to it. Haven't read it myself but from a guys mouth he said he loved it.

 

[Olivia2]

My husband is abit the same. He told me he finds pregnancy quiet disgusting and he feels my body isn't my own. He also can not stand feeling the baby move in me.
Except for my current pregnancy our children were planned and his a wonderful father despite feeling how he does during the pregnancy. Thank God he doesn't have a problem with intimacy during pregnancy as I wouldn't have gone back for more if that was the case.
As fo planning for the baby I have pretty much done that on my own for all of the kids. It's quiet lonely at times but I have now accepted it's not something he likes or even enjoys and thankfully he feels besotted once they have all arrived.

 

[wannabemomy37]

My OH and I nearly broke up because of his distance, and seeming not to care. I actually left him for a week and told him I deserve better, he needs to step up for the rest of this pregnancy or I'm gone. I know I'm hormonal but this had to be done, pregnant or not, he wasn't treating me right.
So far we've been doing good now. One say at a time, it will get better!

 

[Lues]

I think it's hard for them in that for them, the baby "is coming". For us... it's really HERE already. It's happening NOW. Not in a few months.

I find pregnancy lonesome quite a bit. My husband is super excited and likes watching my belly grow, but he seems to shrug off most baby conversations, and sort of acts like I'm talking about something we don't need to worry about yet or is just "cutesy and silly". When we do talk about it I feel like it's for my sake, which while I appreciate, isn't really ideal.

When we were trying to conceive (for years) he would frequently (and voluntarily) say that he wouldn't drink nearly as much while I was pregnant and talk about things we'd do together. He hasn't done any of that and hasn't altered his drinking at all.

When I would tell him pregnancy concerns in first tri, he actually told me I should go talk to someone else about it. It was too much of a burden. (yup, used that word)

He didn't mean it as horrible as it sounds. He felt not equipped to help me. I tried to explain to him that it was just his support I was looking for. And that really, like it or not, he was the ONLY one equipped to give me that support.

But I know he's beyond THRILLED. And I know he loves me with ALL his heart. (I'm lucky though, I know that)

I would definitely say try to talk to him at a time when you BOTH feel comfortable. But be prepared for him to be somewhat defensive, because it is different for them. They don't get to experience some of the magic of what we do, and I try to remember that means there is more of the burden that is okay to fall on us as well (in some ways).

But you should still feel supported and loved and like you're in this together. That's important. You're ALREADY parents together in many ways. So that "united front" "teamwork" thing needs to start now on a lot of levels.

Know you're not alone in your feelings, while it may be different for each person, I think a first pregnancy (and probably subsequent ones too) can be tough on any relationship.

Hormones + Totally Different Perspectives + Underlying Concerns = AHhHhhHHhhRRRGGhHHHhhghhhh

Lol. I hope you are able to talk to him and feel he understands where you're coming from.

 

[Breaking Dawn]

Someone gave my husband this book in the first trimester when I was pregnant with #1.

The expectant father.

It's great for guys - even has sections to say what your partner is going thru. It's written in sections so can read a little bit at a time!

I don't want to rant too long, but long story short: my husband and I have not stopped fighting. He has been completely detached throughout the pregnancy so far and it's driving me nuts, even a little depressed as I have had moments of regret (in terms of the pregnancy). I know it's different for the men in terms of connection, but he won't even talk about the baby without rolling his eyes or saying something insensitive. During our gender scan, when we found out it was a girl, he went mute and said nothing to me for the rest of the night. Now, whenever I want to talk about nursery purchases, name, or anything else, we end up fighting. I don't bring those things up often even because I know we will fight.

I'll admit I'm over sensitive, but It's not like I can help that. My issue is that he is having a hard time realizing that he needs to adjust to my state of pregnant sensitivity/needyness. I've even been less inclined to talk to him about being pregnant at all so he's not really getting all of my excitement/fears/anxiety.

He's never been an uber sensitive guy, but right now he needs to at least try to be, I can't go on another 20 weeks like this. Any advice? How do I explain this to him? Are there daddy books you would recommend?

 

[Rei]

Wow, he sounds just like my husband. I just gave him his space when he gets that way and call my mom so I can talk about my pregnancy. For men it's different, a lot of times they see it as an extra expense and not a blessing

 

[BostonLover89]

Thank you for all of the advice! I felt so alone and that I was surely the only one experiencing this but I am glad for you ladies and your helpful insights! DH is gone for the week for work so I am planning on going to the bookstore to pick up some books for him/me. I hope the next 5 days will give us a much needed "reset" since he is so busy we wont be able to talk much during the day or night so there will be no baby talk at all. Before he left I did talk to him about my feelings/concerns, in the most calm way possible but I'll admit that I cried a little.

 

[Qmama79]

My OH is detached from pregnancy & from babies for that matter. He's great fr our 3 year old, and started his fatherhood really around 2 years old really. He's no good in baby stage or pregnancy stage. Plenty of men can't connect in pregnancy, so don't worry too much. Most really do love the little babies as much as we do, but they find themselves submerged in a world that is sooo unknown & scary for them that they take a step back & let mummy do it all!!

 

[Tinky_82]

Just a note for after the birth if he's having trouble connecting - which my hubby did - things that helped were him going for walks with bubs in a carrier (so bubs relaxed and went to sleep with him) and him getting in the bath with bubs - helped both of them bond and relax.