Found condoms in my 15 year old's bedroom

[Amanda]

Well, as the title says.

WTF do I do? I can't sleep with worrying.

I'm mortified that my little girl is possibly having sex, but on the other hand I'm pleased she's got condoms if she is. I'm so upset that she hasn't come to me first.

For the past few weeks, she's got quite secretive with her msn and phone. And she's come home with a lads chain round her neck and wearing a lads coat. When I questioned her, 'it's just one of my mates'. She does have loads of male friends, she always has, but I've had my suspicions that she's got a boyfriend. But she denies it so I'm worried that she's got something to hide, like maybe he's a bad 'un or a lot older...

DH wants to ground her till Xmas!

Help!

 

[BurtonBaby]

Yikes, thats a hard one. I'm sure my DH would be doing the same if it were our daughter.

On the other hand, I remember what it was like to be young and scared to talk to my mom about sex and boys. I guess just try the friend approach and let her know she can always talk to you. Then if that doesn't work, let DH ground her til Xmas...Thats not too harsh, I was living with my dad the first time I had sex with my ex, when my parents found out, they sent me to live with my mom 3000 miles away! So if she says you are being harsh, tell her my story lol. Good luck hun, I'm wishing Erica could just stay a little girl forever!!

 

[Suz]

Oh Dear...... I guess you are going to have to tell her you found the condoms......

Well how did you find them if you dont mind me asking...... Cause she might get upset if she thinks you were snooping

Sorry hun.... It must be really hard.....

 

[Alexas Mommy]

ouch. that breaks my heart to hear. i wasnt even thinking about sex at fifteen. i can say though that grounding her til christmas may seem like a good plan, but i think that would likely make her rebel against you guys. its hard to say what would be the appropriate thing to do, if talking to her does not work. oh how i dread the teen years. good luck! Edit: if you talk to her without anger and judgement, she may respect what you have to say. i know i respected what my foster parents had to say, because they never judged me. its worth a try. judgement and anger just does not help much with kids, they will usually rebel.

 

[Aidan's Mummy]

god hun. well i am going to give my experience as she is only a year younger than me. All i can say is yes it is very likely that she is having sex BUT it is so reasurring that she has condoms becuase most of my friends never bothered with them and if she is having sex it shows she is being responsible. I know it must be hard becuase she is your lil girl but she is proberly just trying out her wings

As for the boy. Just bring it up in conversation for example ask her if there is any speical boy in her life

if she doesn't open up dint panick to much. I didnt want my mum and dad to meet my OH to begin with. Not because he is a bad un or older than me cos he isnt. It was because i was scared that they wouldnt like him and stop me from seeing him (if though they would have no reason to) and i was scared that i would frighten him off meeting my parents incase he thought it was going to quickly

As for your DH that is a totally normal response i must admit my dad wasnt to happy about me being sexually active BUT its like he said if we try and stop her or make her feel like its worng then she will go behind our backs and do it (like i did) and then she will end up pregnant (like i did). So my advice is dont punish her sit her down and show her what you have found tell her if she is sexually active you are proud of her for being responsible. Also explain the dangers of being sexually active and then let her go away and think about it. She will probs be a bit embarrsed but at the end of it she will know she can come and talk to you
xx

 

[Becky]

Its a hard conversation for her to have with you, no matter how close the two of you are if she is sexually active its a very intimate and personal thing!!

At least you know she is being responsible about it maybe its down to you to say the first thing, be calm and relaxed and have an adult conversation so she feels comfortable talking to you. I know it was never spoke about in my house and i wish my mum would have just explain everything.

I very much doubt if she has a boyfriend that he is a bad un or anything, she is properly aware of what your DH reaction will be and doesnt want to be upsetting people!!

x

 

[x-amy-x]

I would explain to her you found the condoms, don't be accusing or anything as she will probably get very defensive very quickly. I would try to get to her level and ask her if she would like you to go to the clinic with her and get her on the Pill or something? They also offer free condoms. Explain to her that she is under the age of consent and it is against the law, but you cannot stop her doing what she wants. Obviously she needs to know the dangers of STI and that she could fall pregnant. Practical advice is always better being told off. I'm afraid she's probably just at that age, I lost the big V at 15.

 

[Laura1984]

Hello! I have a 14 yr old SD and a 15 yr old SS who are both open to talk about 'situations' but still probably only tell us what they want us to know!! Anyway I think if you approach her on an adult level not like you are angry with her becuase at the end of the day 'IF' she is having sex you have got to respect the fact that she has condoms and if you fly off the handle or shout and scream at her (however diffuclt it might be not to!!!) that is not going to stop her doing it. We had a similar situation with SS recently and my OH was of the oppinion well he's sensible enough to let us know and he knows to use condoms if we shout at him is he really going to get the the point with the girl and say oh no my dad said i'm not allowed to do this!? No!
But also remeber sex ed classes in school you get given condoms AND my SD was in town not so long ago and a 'sex aware' type group were handing out condoms to teenagers, if she has got them in a situation like this that might be why she has left them where u can find them becuase its completely innocent?

Please dont think for one second I am saying it is ok or right for 15 year olds to be sexually active. it is heartbreaking and to think they might be does make you feel sick to your stomach.

God I've rambled but i hope you understand me lol if I were you I'd just have a chat.

Good luck hun!!

 

[clairebear]

i was 15 to when i first became sexually active. i like the other said have a little chat with her and dont be accusing. i would be very proud of my children if they were to have protection. xxx

 

[MummyJade]

I never spoke to my mum about sex just because she isnt that sort! Just talk to her like an adult and like people have said be proud she is using condoms if she is having sex. I know when i was at school and we done sex Ed they gave us a 'C' Card to took 2 chemists for free condoms and we also got given a few at lessons.... so maybe she isn't having sex and was given them at school. xx

 

[oOKayOo]

I had sex at 13 so ill just go from experience. For your daughter to have condoms shows she is being very responsible. She may not of had sex and it its something they are thinking of doing or she is sexually active already.
One way not to do it is not to gang up on her (with OH) and lose temper, this is what happened to me with my parents when they found out. I can remember it to this day still and it was awful.

Sit her down and just say 'honey i have found some condoms id like to just have a little talk' then go from there. Bite your tounge if need be if she starts yelling aslong as she knows you know you can try and get the right time if she doesnt talk the first time you bring it up.

But also from my point of view , i would never tell my mum i was having sex ever and i still dont and will cringe every time she makes a joke about me having sex

All else fails im sure grounding her till x-mas would work perfectly

 

[Uvlollypop]

i dont think grounding her will achieve anything apart from making her angry at you. maybe say to her its ok for her to have a boyfriend and that youd like to have him over for dinner or something, that way you will get to meet him and youll know one way or another if hes a bad kid will save you from worrying about that one.
at least shes clever enough to have gone and got herself some condoms, you should see that as a credit to your parenting.
you cant stop her having sex at the end of the day, you need to try and get sex out in the open so that if she does find herself in any 'situations' or if theres anything that she may be remotely unsure about she can come to you rather than getting random advice from school friends.

i have worked with teenagers in a family planning clinic and they are often alot more clued up that you would think and often appreciate being treated like adults when the subject arises.

hugs xx

 

[mBLACK]

i would be very proud of my children if they were to have protection. xxx

Same. I would suggest talking to her about getting on birth control, "just incase". Don't accuse her of having sex, just explain to her that if she is she needs to be on birth control & teach her the importance of condoms & STI's. I was young when I became sexually active, & I wasn't on birth control or using condoms PROPERLY.
(not that I regret having my little boy, he's the best thing to happen to me, I just wish I'd have waited a little longer.)
Also I wouldn't ground her if I were you, it won't make her stop, she just may not use condoms/birth control in fear that you might find them.

 

[Jo]

Oh Amanda i've only just seen this

I can only agree with what everyone else has said, she is at least responsible for having them in the room although that is no consulation

Just try and speak to her as openly as you can without getting mad

I'm not surprised at DH's reaction i think any dad would be the same, they don't like to think of their little girls growing up

Anyway i'm 3 days late to this thread so i'm betting you've already had a chat and waterworks, i hope it went well love x

 

[brownhairedmom]

Don't get mad at her for having sex. If you get angry and ground her for a natural human activity, its going to backfire. NOT that I agree with young teens having sex, but I know from my own experience that my mother flipped her lid when she found out and it just made me more secretive about the whole situation. I had to argue and whine and bitch to get on birth control because she just thought it was saying that having sex was alright, when it fact it just left me open for a longer period of time to a condom breaking.

Just sit down and talk to her, tell her you think its time for her to get on birth control because you know she's getting older and something could happen. Preach safe sex and don't make her feel like a horrible person (like my mom did) and that sex is bad. Just explain to her the importance of only doing it with someone who means a lot to you and tell her you trust her judgement (even if you don't).

Also, as someone else said...my school gave out free condoms in sex-education lectures all the time, so you never know.

 

[hypnorm]

All sounds like good advice, i wouldnt get angry but i would try and sit down and have a chat saying that you saw the condoms in her bed room, (maybe not a good idea if they were hidden somewhere) but ask her if she wanted to consider going on the pill and that you would go with her. Just try and have an adult convo, i dont think grounding will help. At least she is being sensible, must be soo hard not to lock her in her bedroom though!

 

[tiggertea]

as someone else said, they give kids "samples" in school now to encourage responsible behaviour.... but that doesn't make it any easier for the parents to deal with when they find the "evidence"......

There could be any number of explanations for the find, sample given out in school, maybe she bought a pack to have a look at what all the fuss is about, or she could have the need for them, but whatever the reason, the fact she has them shows she's not stupid, she's being as responsible as she can in the situation. Stay calm hun!

 

[Serene123]

I too would be upset that she didn't come to me, but getting angry is just going to make her think that her having them just incase isn't O.K.

 

[Mamafy]

only just seen this, heart breaking situation but not the end of the world either. The grounding thing will probably only make her sneakier, maybe even make her bunk off school to see her boyfriend if she has one (which is what I done with my dh )

You have to have 'the big talk' and explain all the emotional, mental and physical health thing; you give her all the advice and cross your fingers after that hun

hope you've had a chat already

 

[Faerie]

Hmm, well, I know that I had condoms in my room at 14 - doesn't mean I was using them! I hoarded loads of things in boxes. I know this must be a shock to you, I think trying the friend approach is a good idea, then if she won't open up perhaps tell her then you have to assume the worst and therefore she's grounded? Although at least if she is having sex it's protected.