Frustrated.

[Skywalker]

Me after working a full day struggling through morning sickness, headache, sore back, itchy acne on chest, sore boobs, exhaustion and general feeling of terribleness, still thinking of how I need to clean and make dinner.

OH after working a full day with some slightly strenuous physical work, whines about how absolutely sore he is, asks for back rub, needs to go lay down, doesn't feel like doing anything, asks me to clean up and go get food.



Yeah. One of those days I wish I had a magic wand to just suddenly transplant all of my symptoms to OH so he can get a taste of what I am dealing with.

 

[mamaduke]

Unfortunately, it'll only get worse - you'll have more days like this where you've gone through all sorts of craziness and he'll be more whiny about his day. Remind him that - believe it or not - it takes a lot of work to grow a human, and there will be days where you won't be able to clean and PB&J/mac'n'cheese/some simple snack may have to suffice. And if he doesn't like it, then he should try growing a human inside for 9 months. It's frustrating when they aren't sympathetic and are more whiny than anything.

 

[Skywalker]

Unfortunately, it'll only get worse - you'll have more days like this where you've gone through all sorts of craziness and he'll be more whiny about his day. Remind him that - believe it or not - it takes a lot of work to grow a human, and there will be days where you won't be able to clean and PB&J/mac'n'cheese/some simple snack may have to suffice. And if he doesn't like it, then he should try growing a human inside for 9 months. It's frustrating when they aren't sympathetic and are more whiny than anything.

Oh my god, now I need/want mac'n'cheese! Yes, yes it is frustrating lol. I think some men are better than others on this point. I knew a guy who loved to cook and clean and pamper his girlfriend and was not gay. It was amazing lol. I need a little bit of that in my life! And some mac'n'cheese.

 

[girlnboots]

Mac and cheese sounds really good! So does ice cream or a milk shake or something.

Men are idiots. They literally don't understand.

 

[Skywalker]

Mac and cheese sounds really good! So does ice cream or a milk shake or something.

Men are idiots. They literally don't understand.

LOL! This is probably the most simply stated truth I've ever read. They really do not understand at all. Most of them I would say. I think it's easier for them to think that girls are just complaining about nothing than have to realize that we're really suffering because that would mean they'd actually have to help us! Lol

 

[girlnboots]

I know! God forbid I ask my OH to take a load of laundry down 2 flights of stairs. I can't see my feet and you want to make me carry a full basket of clothes in front of my belly? I'm fine switching the clothes from washer to dryer, but give me a freakin' break!

 

[Skywalker]

I know! God forbid I ask my OH to take a load of laundry down 2 flights of stairs. I can't see my feet and you want to make me carry a full basket of clothes in front of my belly? I'm fine switching the clothes from washer to dryer, but give me a freakin' break!

Lol I know, right!? And I bet you he gives you the excuse that he's "too tired" or "too busy" as he's playing his video games? Lol. I just wrote a funny and satirical open letter to men everywhere on the planet explaining how the first trimester symptoms REALLY feel (including how it feels to have your partner roll their eyes at you and doubt your every symptom) and issue a challenge at the end of it for any man brave enough to drink themselves ridiculous every single night for 3 months (to simulate getting up to pee and possibly vomit multiple times a night, morning sickness, dizziness, exhaustion, etc.) and then have to operate like a normal person, with their partner demanding dinners and a clean house and sex, and then see how THEY feel lol. I doubt any man would do it but it would be such an illuminating experience for any one of them who did. But knowing men, any man who would go through that would probably conclude the experiment by saying, "Yeah, that was horrible... But I doubt that's what the first trimester feels like!" Lol. Boneheads. Just complete boneheads.

Plus, I've seen my OH when he is sick or not feeling well. He is like a little helpless enfeebled bird, and I guarantee I now have every symptom and then some that he's had in any or all of his little colds or sicknesses! Lol. I saw a funny cartoon somewhere of a picture of a guy laying in bed looking pathetic and incredibly sick and the caption under it reads, "Man with flu" and next to it is a cartoon of a bald woman fully dressed, groceries in one hand, a child in the other hand, walking and smiling and the caption reads, "Woman with breast cancer" I think it's a pretty accurate appraisal of the various tolerances for pain and discomfort according to the different sexes! Of course, if we were men and we'd never had to endure period pains or pregnancy symptoms or birth, maybe we'd be soft, too! Just is frustrating that many men can't find the imagination or heart to empathize with what a woman could possibly be going through and instead just decide that it's all in her head lol

PS - If I were you, and he refused to take the laundry down the stairs, I would throw it all down the stairs lol. Jeez. I can't believe he won't help you with that!

 

[girlnboots]

He refuses to help me with any chore, even though he lives here too! He refuses to even let the dogs out sometimes. And yes, right now he's currently playing video games! Ugh. Then again, I'm laying in bed texting him how bad I want ice cream, haha

Manflu is the WORST affliction ever. I pity any woman who has to deal with it. I am going to teach my boys to man the hell up, if I ever have any.

 

[Skywalker]

He refuses to help me with any chore, even though he lives here too! He refuses to even let the dogs out sometimes. And yes, right now he's currently playing video games! Ugh. Then again, I'm laying in bed texting him how bad I want ice cream, haha

Manflu is the WORST affliction ever. I pity any woman who has to deal with it. I am going to teach my boys to man the hell up, if I ever have any.

Lol, your OH sounds almost exactly like my OH! Yeah but you laying in bed texting him how bad you want ice cream is understandable because you're very pregnant! Him being obstinate and stubborn and refusing to help and escaping into video games instead is childish!

Lol yes. I will also teach mine to man up if I have any, and to respect women, something that I don't think happens a lot these days and should be happening far more!

 

[jenny82]

Not all men are idiots, and some do understand!

Some men and women do have stressful jobs that require some downtime when they get home. Us ladies are suffering obviously with one thing or another, but all of us (men and women) are really just trying to get through the day as easy as possible.

If you think people are being lazy, not pulling their weight, ignoring all the chores, then be proactive. Make a list, specify all the things that need done round the house, what you do, what the other person does. I used to not speak up, think that he should just *know* what needs done, but really, he doesn't. And not because he's a man but just because he is the type of person that if he sees a mess, he will tidy. But to him, dust in the corner of the living room doesn't = mess, so it wasn't on his radar (but it was always on my radar). If you don't get him to pull his weight now and understand what it takes to run a house, it will be ten times harder when a baby arrives.

 

[girlnboots]

My OH sleeps for 15 out of 24 hours, goes to work (in minimum wage retail, not a high-stress job, but yes, he deserves downtime like anyone else), comes home to play video games. He's a 22 year old manchild who has never had to do chores in his life. Making a list is far from what he needs. I have to break down each task for him, such as "remove your food containers, trash, soda cans, and dirty dishes from around your gaming chair in the living room sometime today before you come to bed." It still doesn't get done. It's not like I expect him to keep an eagle eye out for fingerprints on the windows or a dust bunny under the couch, but if I ask him to run a load of laundry downstairs so I can follow him down to put it in the wash, I expect some help instead of flat out telling me no and to do it myself. He should be more than willing to help me when I specifically ask for him to do something as simple as carry a basket.

I know well enough not to nag someone as soon as they get home from work, however, if they are going to bitch at me for them not having clean clothes when I asked for help, then they are an idiot. Especially when they purposefully do things wrong so the women in their lives can take over and make sure they never do that task again. I have never actually met a man who DOESN'T do that.

By the way, having a conversation with a man saying "this is what I do, and you don't pull your weight" is a sure fire way to get a huge fight started that won't fix a damn thing.

 

[jenny82]

It isn't a 'this is what I do, this is what you do' argument. It's a list of household stuff that need done on a daily/weekly/monthly basis that surely would be a good starting point for a non-judgemental division of labour.

And if he is complaining about not having clean clothes, then he does it himself. Things do not get any easier when a baby arrives, it gets about 10 times harder and especially if you are doing it on your own!

"Especially when they purposefully do things wrong so the women in their lives can take over and make sure they never do that task again. I have never actually met a man who DOESN'T do that."

And this^. I am certainly not bragging about my OH as he has his faults, as do we all, but he has never done that. Maybe when he was 11, as I'm pretty sure i did that to my own mother at times (!) but we hopefully grow up into adults that don't need to do that to our supposedly equal partners. If he does that, he is a douche :/

 

[girlnboots]

Yes he is, haha. I figured its just a normal man thing as my dad, brother, exes, bil, and current OH all do it. They play dumb even if its something as silly as boiling noodles for spaghetti and screw it up so we don't ask them to do it again. Let me tell you, crunchy spaghetti is NOT tasty!

 

[Skywalker]

Not all men are idiots, and some do understand!

Some men and women do have stressful jobs that require some downtime when they get home. Us ladies are suffering obviously with one thing or another, but all of us (men and women) are really just trying to get through the day as easy as possible.

If you think people are being lazy, not pulling their weight, ignoring all the chores, then be proactive. Make a list, specify all the things that need done round the house, what you do, what the other person does. I used to not speak up, think that he should just *know* what needs done, but really, he doesn't. And not because he's a man but just because he is the type of person that if he sees a mess, he will tidy. But to him, dust in the corner of the living room doesn't = mess, so it wasn't on his radar (but it was always on my radar). If you don't get him to pull his weight now and understand what it takes to run a house, it will be ten times harder when a baby arrives.

I do agree with you, with some guys. Not with my guy. There is no getting this man to pull his weight. I have tried rational conversations, lists, begging, even getting counselling together, and then just not cleaning up his mess. He and I both run the same exact company and I have the same amount of stress, if not more, than he does at our workplace, plus I am dealing with the pregnancy symptoms.

He uses a wrapper, he throws it on the desk or ground or floor of the car or wherever he is. He uses a plate, he leaves it where he used it. It got to the point he was taking coffee mugs outside to smoke and leaving them half-drunk outside to be taken over by mould and ants, and then bringing them in and putting them on the bench for me to wash. I started refusing and put them all in a box under the sink and told him if he wants a coffee mug, he can wash one.

I do definitely recognize that not all men are complete idiots and like I said, I did know one who loved to help and cook and clean. I unfortunately have been with more jerks than non-jerks and I do also recognize that is my fault for being/staying with them. With this one, I have been trying harder than I can probably express to work this out, especially now that I am pregnant. I want to stay together and make it work. It's very rough right now so I was just venting. I didn't mean to blacken the name of all men everywhere. I suppose I'm just bitter about what's going on with me personally at a time when I could really use even just a tiny smidge of help. I would take him just keeping the desk in his office clean. I literally clean the entire rest of the house and if I don't because I'm feeling ill, I get criticized. It's not fair and it's not right. I'm trying to fix it but I can't fix it if I'm the only one who wants to work on a compromise.

 

[Annama]

Leave him!!! You can find someone who treats you right. This man does not deserve the company of a woman!

 

[Dani_87]

OMG I know! Granted I know my husband works hard, but he doesn't do a thing around the house, barely gives his son an hour of playtime before bed (he is gone for work before DS is up in the morning), then falls asleep on the couch by 8:30pm. Must be nice!!

 

[Dani_87]

Not all men are idiots, and some do understand!

Some men and women do have stressful jobs that require some downtime when they get home. Us ladies are suffering obviously with one thing or another, but all of us (men and women) are really just trying to get through the day as easy as possible.

If you think people are being lazy, not pulling their weight, ignoring all the chores, then be proactive. Make a list, specify all the things that need done round the house, what you do, what the other person does. I used to not speak up, think that he should just *know* what needs done, but really, he doesn't. And not because he's a man but just because he is the type of person that if he sees a mess, he will tidy. But to him, dust in the corner of the living room doesn't = mess, so it wasn't on his radar (but it was always on my radar). If you don't get him to pull his weight now and understand what it takes to run a house, it will be ten times harder when a baby arrives.

I do agree with you, with some guys. Not with my guy. There is no getting this man to pull his weight. I have tried rational conversations, lists, begging, even getting counselling together, and then just not cleaning up his mess. He and I both run the same exact company and I have the same amount of stress, if not more, than he does at our workplace, plus I am dealing with the pregnancy symptoms.

He uses a wrapper, he throws it on the desk or ground or floor of the car or wherever he is. He uses a plate, he leaves it where he used it. It got to the point he was taking coffee mugs outside to smoke and leaving them half-drunk outside to be taken over by mould and ants, and then bringing them in and putting them on the bench for me to wash. I started refusing and put them all in a box under the sink and told him if he wants a coffee mug, he can wash one.

I do definitely recognize that not all men are complete idiots and like I said, I did know one who loved to help and cook and clean. I unfortunately have been with more jerks than non-jerks and I do also recognize that is my fault for being/staying with them. With this one, I have been trying harder than I can probably express to work this out, especially now that I am pregnant. I want to stay together and make it work. It's very rough right now so I was just venting. I didn't mean to blacken the name of all men everywhere. I suppose I'm just bitter about what's going on with me personally at a time when I could really use even just a tiny smidge of help. I would take him just keeping the desk in his office clean. I literally clean the entire rest of the house and if I don't because I'm feeling ill, I get criticized. It's not fair and it's not right. I'm trying to fix it but I can't fix it if I'm the only one who wants to work on a compromise.

I'm sorry I just read this post and saw how much worse you have it. That is terrible, I would be losing my mind...I already feel like I do now just from him not giving the dogs a bath, doing any dishes, laundry, cleaning the floors...nothing. But if he were to start leaving trash and dirty dishes around, then the **** would hit the fan if you know what I mean! lol I hope things get better for you 2.

Coming from divorced parents, I'm glad they separated when I was so young. I honestly do not remember them together and cannot imagine them together to this day. What I'm trying to say is sometimes, the misery is not worth being together just because you think it's right for the child. As long as you both are in his/her life, that is all that matters.

Sorry, I know that is just worst case, but I thought I'd throw it out there for you!

 

[Larkspur]

Yeah, I tend to agree with the PP who pointed out that really, all men are not like this (not even most, I would say). Actually, not all first trimesters suck as bad as yours does! You're having a particularly hard time, but many women find it somewhat easier, and some (me) don't really struggle much at all. Not because we're tougher, just because we literally have it easier. Apart from occasional tiredness, I don't seem to get many pregnancy symptoms at all.

The fact that pregnancies vary from woman to woman can make it harder for some guys to grasp when their particular partner is having a very hard time, so on that basis I would be prepared to cut a little slack IF it wasn't for the fact that on most levels your guy appears to be (sorry to say) a giant douche. I don't think you're doing yourself any favours by calling his behaviour a "man thing". It's not. It's a douchebag thing.

I know you've got another thread about potentially becoming a single mum, which I won't contribute to because I don't have experience with that. I just want to add the perspective that I don't think you should tell yourself "guys just don't understand pregnancy." Granted, many don't (and can't be expected to) completely get it, but there are a lot of guys out there who will treat their partners with muuuuuuuuuuuuuch more respect and effort than you're getting. I mean, I really don't think you should settle for "keeping his desk clean" for how he treats you. This is the man your child is going to look to as a role model. I would be setting that minimum standard bar a LOT higher.

 

[Skywalker]

Thank you guys, so much It is actually very, very reassuring to be reminded and have it pointed up to my attention that not all guys are like this, and it's not a man thing, it's a "douchebag thing" lol. I did make the decision to leave and as soon as I get all of the details squared away, I will be heading back to the States. I just have to get everything set up. It has NOT been an easy decision but it ultimately came down to the fact that I believe that staying would harm our baby quite a lot more than leaving. I also agree with pp about parents divorcing really young and not remembering - I think it is much better if we split now because I come from parents who divorced when I was 12 years old, and I cannot tell you how rough that was for me. If he has a change of heart in the future, we can give it another try, but I can't be treated like this anymore. The stress negatively affects the baby, I'm sure of it, the sudden spikes of adrenaline when we fight, the crying. My baby will definitely benefit from me being happier and being in a more safe, clean environment surrounded by friends and family who love me and who are actually EXCITED for this baby to come than the presence of a man who biologically is the father but all connection stops at biology. I'm already feeling a lot more happy and relieved with this decision. I haven't told him yet. I was going to wait for 2nd tri but I can't any longer with it ramping up again and another argument last night. I have a whole other thread on it called "feeling sad" (sorry there were three threads on this topic! One complaining about the mess/lack of help, another asking for help on what it is like to be a single mum, another just feeling sad that I felt like my relationship was ending) that explains more. I really appreciate all of your viewpoints and it really does give me heart and hope for the future that I can meet a man who gives me a lot more respect and love than this man did and also loves and respects and helps my baby as his own. I feel like this is a new beginning for me and for baby, it is the best thing I could do for her!

 

[Nazz4]

Oh man, glad i saw this thread! First off good luck with everything skywalker! i hope it all works out. My OH is very similar to yours, maybe not quite as bad though. He is in the other room currently playing video games. I understand when he gets home he needs some downtime but he literally wakes up goes to work plays videogames and goes to bed. And then he spends most of his pay check on his car (thats one of his hobbies) on his days off. when he got home today he asked for back rubs, but was in a bad mood and asked me not to talk to him... so you want f***ing back rubs but im not allowed to talk to you? Yeah right. I on the other hand go to school full time and work part time. He wanted a baby but now that i am preg again he doesnt want to talk about babies at all. Sometimes he will be cute and rub and kiss my belly, but he wont talk about it. I know he is worried because we had a loss a while ago but that doesnt mean he can ignore it. i have to beg him to help with cleaning and take the trash out. And of course then he gets mad that im nagging him... im hoping it will hit him when i start to get bigger and he will step up. we'll see.