funny sex stories?

[lilliesmummie]

So basically, all ive read is us all saying how much we do not want to have sex, or weve tried and failed terribly!
Sex is like the biggest no-go in pregnancy.. So i was wondering, does anyone have any funny stories? In need of a laugh and will probably be able to relate The last time me and OH tried, we tried EVERYWHERE and still failed LOL! .. we laughed about it though, because it was just so unbelievably awkward!!

 

[CottlestonPie]

Um. Last time me and DH tried missionary, he leant on me, put too much pressure on my belly and I farted. One of those can't-hold-it-in farts that go on forever. He was ok to just let it slide and carry on but I got the giggles so bad I was crying with laughter and couldn't carry on.

Needless to say we've given up on sex now!

 

[thethomsons]

lol when I was pg with DS1 we tried one night and I was on top and DH cried out, "OMG get off your killing me, I can't breathe lol" It was like being suffocated by humpty dumpty lol

 

[MImom2be]

While mine surely isn't as funny as CottlestonPie's, a couple days ago, hubby and I were trying to be intimate, and he was kissing my stomach area, kissed my side, it tickled so badly that I tensed up to keep from laughing/squirming and peed on him. As in "it" was "inside" and my bladder just released all over him.

At first he asked me, "Oh my god, did you water just break?!?!?!" Then of course, came my ackward answer..."Um...no...that was my bladder."

I started crying, he washed himself off real quick, cleaned me up (all while I'm crying like I lost my best friend) and he drew me a nice warm bath and cleaned the bed.

In reality, he could've reacted with anger, and told me to clean up my own pee, but he acted like a total sweetie!

I have another story - not my own - but had a friend's permission to post it. A friend and her husband were having sex, they were in doggie style on the side of the bed, well I guess she had a leg spasm, her leg lashed out and kicked him right in his danglies. Not only did he get kicked in his danglies, in pain, he dropped to his knees and in her attempt to turn around and help him, slammed him in the face with her belly and he hit the wall...I can't even imagine!

 

[lilliesmummie]

lol when I was pg with DS1 we tried one night and I was on top and DH cried out, "OMG get off your killing me, I can't breathe lol" It was like being suffocated by humpty dumpty lol

LOL!!
to be honest, before i got huge, I didnt mind going on top, but now, my goodness, i cant hold my own weight never mind expecting him to be able to breathe! pregnancy is too sexy!!

 

[thethomsons]

While mine surely isn't as funny as CottlestonPie's, a couple days ago, hubby and I were trying to be intimate, and he was kissing my stomach area, kissed my side, it tickled so badly that I tensed up to keep from laughing/squirming and peed on him. As in "it" was "inside" and my bladder just released all over him.

At first he asked me, "Oh my god, did you water just break?!?!?!" Then of course, came my ackward answer..."Um...no...that was my bladder."

I started crying, he washed himself off real quick, cleaned me up (all while I'm crying like I lost my best friend) and he drew me a nice warm bath and cleaned the bed.

In reality, he could've reacted with anger, and told me to clean up my own pee, but he acted like a total sweetie!

I have another story - not my own - but had a friend's permission to post it. A friend and her husband were having sex, they were in doggie style on the side of the bed, well I guess she had a leg spasm, her leg lashed out and kicked him right in his danglies. Not only did he get kicked in his danglies, in pain, he dropped to his knees and in her attempt to turn around and help him, slammed him in the face with her belly and he hit the wall...I can't even imagine!

Omg u just made me Lol soo much hahaha priceless

 

[lilliesmummie]

While mine surely isn't as funny as CottlestonPie's, a couple days ago, hubby and I were trying to be intimate, and he was kissing my stomach area, kissed my side, it tickled so badly that I tensed up to keep from laughing/squirming and peed on him. As in "it" was "inside" and my bladder just released all over him.

At first he asked me, "Oh my god, did you water just break?!?!?!" Then of course, came my ackward answer..."Um...no...that was my bladder."

I started crying, he washed himself off real quick, cleaned me up (all while I'm crying like I lost my best friend) and he drew me a nice warm bath and cleaned the bed.

In reality, he could've reacted with anger, and told me to clean up my own pee, but he acted like a total sweetie!

I have another story - not my own - but had a friend's permission to post it. A friend and her husband were having sex, they were in doggie style on the side of the bed, well I guess she had a leg spasm, her leg lashed out and kicked him right in his danglies. Not only did he get kicked in his danglies, in pain, he dropped to his knees and in her attempt to turn around and help him, slammed him in the face with her belly and he hit the wall...I can't even imagine!

Im sorry, im actually laughing out loud at both of those stories! something that you would expect to see in a film! VERY funny!

 

[KeepingHope12]

Oh my gosh, I am SO glad OP made this thread! I really needed a good laugh today and wow, did I get one! Although, I don't have a story of my own to add just yet, I'm sure there will eventually be one. Thanks so much for the laughs...I can't wait for DH to read this!

 

[mnonie]

Me and OH are still dtd, last week we were being intimate in the shower (easier said them done). LO kicked OH who proceeded to fall out of the bath. Poor bloke ended up on the floor, with nothing on in complete shock I couldn't stop laughing.

It's getting more difficult now but it's nice to still have it. Anyone else finding tht they get really gasy after dtd?

 

[lilliesmummie]

Me and OH are still dtd, last week we were being intimate in the shower (easier said them done). LO kicked OH who proceeded to fall out of the bath. Poor bloke ended up on the floor, with nothing on in complete shock I couldn't stop laughing.

It's getting more difficult now but it's nice to still have it. Anyone else finding tht they get really gasy after dtd?

LOL! and he dares do it again? my showers tiny, i can just fit in on my own
and not after, but during lol! such a turn on for OH im sure

 

[MorganEvans]

Um. Last time me and DH tried missionary, he leant on me, put too much pressure on my belly and I farted. One of those can't-hold-it-in farts that go on forever. He was ok to just let it slide and carry on but I got the giggles so bad I was crying with laughter and couldn't carry on.

Needless to say we've given up on sex now!

Oh my god! Im sorry to hear that!

 

[mnonie]

Me and OH are still dtd, last week we were being intimate in the shower (easier said them done). LO kicked OH who proceeded to fall out of the bath. Poor bloke ended up on the floor, with nothing on in complete shock I couldn't stop laughing.

It's getting more difficult now but it's nice to still have it. Anyone else finding tht they get really gasy after dtd?

LOL! and he dares do it again? my showers tiny, i can just fit in on my own
and not after, but during lol! such a turn on for OH im sure

Lol yep, tbf at one point we were stay at his works digs with the boys, when we got caught lol. I try so hard during not too not easy tho .

 

[New_Wife]

Oh my goodness, I am laughing so hard!

The last time we dtd, dh was going rather fast and all I could think about was baby moving as fast as dh's movements (if that makes sense) and I busted out laughing at the thought! Mood ruined lol

 

[MomPepperdine]

Ha I don't want sex so I was using my boobs and I told him I hope you come in your eye 5 mins latter he's yelling at me to hurry and get him something to wipe his eye with I rolled over and was laughing so hard I couldn't breath or get him anything it was so freaking funny

 

[Jess137]

We're still dtd it's just not super comfy (as DH doesn't want to do it doggy style for some reason even though we did before I was pg). Not extremely funny but one day he wanted to dtd and I wasn't really in the mood but went with it anyway - a minute after we started I burst out laughing for no reason and couldn't stop! He didn't want to again for a couple weeks lol.

 

[girlnboots]

My OH is the best lover ever, however, he doesn't have best stamina. When I was about 6 weeks pregnant, he finished too soon and I just laid there and sobbed and laughed hysterically. That's about the only story we have so far. Definitely not as funny as the others, haha.

 

[bibicakes]

today i was trying to be sexy with my boyfriend. i straddled him while he was lying on the floor. 2 seconds after i got on him he started laughing. and he said "isaac [our lo's name] get off me. it feels weird" then i start laughing and try my hardest to get off him, but i get stuck. and for 5 minutes, we're trying to find a way to get me comfortable off him while laughing really hard.

 

[RaisinKane13]

When i was about 38 weeks pregnant me and dh were very much in the mood. Well we usually just did it doggy style when i was preggo. We started like that but for some reason dh wanted to change positions. He flipped me over and put me on top. and when i say he put me on top im talking he put me facing away from him as if i were sitting on his lap. Well i had a huge belly. I couldnt position myself At ALL!!! I couldnt put him in me and i couldnt see to even attempt. So i started cracking up and so did dh. We both just stopped, gave each other a kiss and called it a day lol

 

[lilesMom]

skittin laughing here, nice to know im not alone in totally awkward sex

 

[lilliesmummie]

Im glad this thread worked, and i'm too not the only one whos having awkward sex..
I told OH i was going in the shower tonight and his response was "want me to come" .. I just looked at him and he said "maybe not " .. think he's realised i'm pregnant at last LOL!