gender.... feel so guilty

[peanut56]

Try not to be so hard on yourself, I think this is a common thing, whether people want to admit it or not. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I thought for sure it was a boy. My husband and I both did, and so did our family and most of our friends. We didn't even really talk about girl names - it just seemed (in my head) that it was a waste of time since we were going to be having a boy. The night before our gender scan, I got really, really nervous...what if it was a girl? I was so scared I would be really disappointed, and felt like a bad person because of that. I was so sure that if I had been wrong and it was a girl that I would burst into tears right there at the scan.
So we went to the scan, and ta da!! It was a girl. I was thrilled. I didn't feel at all disappointed, not even for a second, and neither did my husband. We couldn't be happier about having a little princess.
So if it does turn out to be a girl, you may surprise yourself and be happy...if you ARE disappointed, it doesn't make you a bad person.

 

[aob1013]

No advice really, just remember how important a healthy and happy baby is.

 

[GemmaLeanne]

i must admit im very much like yourself...
iv always believed that when i get pregnant i would be so happy reguardless.. but now deep down i find myself wanting a little girl.

i believe some of this stems from the bad relationship i have with my other halfs mother. she has always tried to control our relationship in a way and has shown great intrest (a little oo much intrest) in my pregnancy so far so i have been a little sceptical about if she will try to take over a bit once bubs is born. from day one she has told me that im having a boy. its like i wanted her to be wrong (petty as it sounds) and after the weeks have gone on iv found myself beggining to believe that i WANT a girl.

Deep down i know i will love my child for whatever he/she is. but i feel SO guilty thinking like this.. that id even think about being disappointed for what my baby is

i guess everyone has a preference deep down on most things, after all that sitting in the dark for 20 weeks (maybe 40) your bound to hook up an idea to what your baby is going to be like which is only natural. I wouldnt worry too much hun.. were all going to be great mummies reguardless x

 

[Marysr]

When I was pg with my first baby three years ago, my overwhelming preference for a boy was SO strong that I convinced myself he was a boy. Part of it was that there were no girls produced on my husband's side of the lineage for at least 8 generations (that's as far as we could track). Just loads and loads of boys. And on my side, I was the only girl of us 16 cousins. Basically, my mind was made up that there's no way girls would enter my life. We painted the nursery blue and brown, we decorated for a boy - all before we knew he was a boy. AND HE WAS! And I was so thrilled and not apologetic about it in the least.

Now, here we are three years later and I very much yearned to give my little boy a brother. Though I already had my boy and was less adamant about a specific gender this time around, my heart skipped a few beats when I was told the baby was a girl. For me, there's just comfort in the familiar and I knew that my husband and I got really good at rearing a boy. I went through all these emotions and it took me a good week to come to terms with the fact that life wasn't going to be like I pictured - with two boys, brothers, being able to reuse all of our boy clothes, toys, etc.. I may or may not have shed a few tears.

And then... about a week after the big U/S, I totally had this revelation - how great life was going to be with a little girl! And how nice it'll be to experience parenting both genders. And here we are - a good month later - and I still have days where the thought of raising a little girl seems daunting. But mostly, I'm psyched to meet her and get to know her.

Anyway, I think your feelings are totally valid. I hope that you either get your little boy or find out that your little bundle is pink and come to realize how wonderful that is. It may not be what you expected or anticipated, but it doesn't mean it won't be fantastic.

I wish you lots of luck!

 

[aurora]

I can't say I badly wanted a boy, but my feelings were so strong that it WAS a boy, that I just never could imagine myself with a girl. Every sign pointed to boy right from conception to predictors to relatives with a sixth sence.
When I had an ultrasound at 21 weeks and the lady said girl, I looked around and asked 'who are you talking to'?
I don't think I was dissapointed, but I was devastated. A complete emotional wreck. I felt like I'd broken her heart for calling her he for so long, and for not thinking of 'her' as a possibility. I cried like someone cut me open I felt so bad. In a sence also, I had to grieve for the boy it felt like I'd lost.

The moral of the story is... whatever you do stay open minded if you can help it to avoid something like that!

But more importantly... it didn't take long, and now I couldn't imagine having a boy! You won't need to feel guilty cause the feelings of losing your boy won't last long, I promise.

And hey, if baby has a winky you'll have nothin to worry about anyway.

 

[InvisibleRain]

Im practically the same babe, but im thinking more and more of a girl just to even it out, trying to get myself use to the idea to the fact it very well could be a girl. My gender scan is next week some time... OH says he doesn't mind, but we both desire and would love a boy more than a girl, we strive for a boy we really do... but like others have said.. once you know what it is hun.. i bet your views and emotions will chance, not straight away but they will and you'll be happy either way .... this happens to almost every pregnant women hun, don't feel bad... we all go through it. I also feel mine is a boy, this gut feeling but like you i wonder if its because i want one so much or.. it's intuition lol... we'll never know till we know the sex eh? xxxxx
All my friends are saying it's a boy lol!...
not only that, but i adore our boy's name we have... and i wanna show it off and be proud lol!!!! weird.

no wonder why you're my Bump Buddy hun; we're very alike

 

[PrayinForBaby]

don't feel guilty hun...when hubby and I started trying the fact that we had a 50/50 shot of a girl didn't even cross my mind. It was we'll get pregnant and have a little boy...but from the minute my pee stick turned positive I knew she was a girl. She is and she is perfect! And I wouldn't trade her for ANYTHING! You will have what you are meant to have and you will love whatever sex that baby is more than anything, so don't stess hun!

 

[ShanandBoc]

I posted my story on another gender disappointment thread. Thought this may be some help to you Tink28 as i felt very much the same as you.................

I never understood gender disappointment until i had my 20 weeks scan

I thought i was having a boy. We even referred to baby as a he right from the start. DH kept calling baby his son.

Both DH and i were convinced, and everyone said to me 'oh its a boy'. Dont know why.

Any way had my 20 week scan and plain as day it was a baby girl. I cried at that momment, not out of disappointment but out of shock lol. I think DH was slightly disappointed at the time, but he was also worried about having a girl as he said she would take over his heart and life haha.

As we left the hospital, i couldnt help but feel slightly disappointed. I always thought id have a boy first, and we wanted a boy first so any girls that followed would have a big brother to look after them.

I remember laying in the bath that night thinking ' i cant believe you are a girl' and looking at my belly. I admit i felt slightly resentful to the little bundle of joy in there, and in some way that i had let my DH down because it wasnt the son he had expected.

He told me he didnt care and that he wasnt disappointed.

Point to the story is......pretty quickly we got used to the idea that it was a little girl, and i can now say in all honesty, we both wouldnt swap her for a hundred boys, it just feels so right that its a girl and that we were meant to have her first.

I think sometimes, it more shock, esp i you convince yourself its one sex, then it turns out to be the other, sometimes you just need a chance to get used to the idea and then you couldnt imagine it any other way.

DH is so excited about a little girl, and is very invloved, always talking to her, is very protective already....a girl just feels so right for us.

I feel guilty that i even felt slightly disappointed in her sex. She is a healthy little girl and we feel so blessed . x

 

[Serene123]

I thought Caitlyn was a boy. I told everyone she was a boy. She wasn't.... I was never sad. Infact when they said she was a girl I was very excited. I could never imagine being disappointed with my child's gender.

There are people who find out their babies are disabled or worse at their 20 week scan, having the wrong gender is far from the worse case scenario.

I know you will bond with your baby, maybe not whilst they're inside you, but when they're in your arms, so try not to worry too much!

 

[Aunty E]

I'd find out - we were desperate for a girl (which we got) but I would have needed the time to adjust if we were having a boy. We were worried that we would only ever have boys, and we really really wanted at least one girl (no girls in OH's family for over a hundred years and a LOT of boys). I don't really feel guilty at all about that - I know I would have adjusted and loved a little boy, but I didn't want my first feeling on the birth of my baby to be disappointment if it was a boy. So we found out at 16 weeks. We'll find out again this time, but we're less fussed, although I would still prefer a girl I think. It's only natural to have a preference, but I would give yourself some time to get used to the idea if you have a strong preference.

 

[MissMamma]

I posted my story on another gender disappointment thread. Thought this may be some help to you Tink28 as i felt very much the same as you.................

I never understood gender disappointment until i had my 20 weeks scan

I thought i was having a boy. We even referred to baby as a he right from the start. DH kept calling baby his son.

Both DH and i were convinced, and everyone said to me 'oh its a boy'. Dont know why.

Any way had my 20 week scan and plain as day it was a baby girl. I cried at that momment, not out of disappointment but out of shock lol. I think DH was slightly disappointed at the time, but he was also worried about having a girl as he said she would take over his heart and life haha.

As we left the hospital, i couldnt help but feel slightly disappointed. I always thought id have a boy first, and we wanted a boy first so any girls that followed would have a big brother to look after them.

I remember laying in the bath that night thinking ' i cant believe you are a girl' and looking at my belly. I admit i felt slightly resentful to the little bundle of joy in there, and in some way that i had let my DH down because it wasnt the son he had expected.

He told me he didnt care and that he wasnt disappointed.

Point to the story is......pretty quickly we got used to the idea that it was a little girl, and i can now say in all honesty, we both wouldnt swap her for a hundred boys, it just feels so right that its a girl and that we were meant to have her first.

I think sometimes, it more shock, esp i you convince yourself its one sex, then it turns out to be the other, sometimes you just need a chance to get used to the idea and then you couldnt imagine it any other way.

DH is so excited about a little girl, and is very invloved, always talking to her, is very protective already....a girl just feels so right for us.

I feel guilty that i even felt slightly disappointed in her sex. She is a healthy little girl and we feel so blessed . x

Oh my this is exactly how i felt! Even down to the reason for wanting a boy first. And exactly how i feel now don't worry honey..xx

 

[tink28]

wow thank u for all the responses- all your kind words have really helped me feel better and realise that feeling like this is more common than i thought.
i think i will wait until after my 20 wk NHS scan and find out so i have more time to prepare, but i do know in my heart of hearts i will love this baby whatever, i have waited so long for this little miracle and i have so much love to give.

love to u all

Tink xx

 

[Serene123]

Good luck x

 

[Tanikit]

Last time I was pregnant DH said I was going to have a girl so I decided she was a boy and had all sorts of rational reasons why a boy would be easier/better and how people expect more of girls and so on. When I went for the gender scan I tried to imagine how I would feel if they told me she was a girl.

In actual fact I didn't feel much - not guilty and not superly excited and certainly not disappointed either. The fact was that before the gender scan she was what she was - the gender scan did not change that. She was still my baby inside me that I loved very very much and that is who and what she was right from the beginning. And it will be with this one too.

In the end your baby is who and what it is even now - someone telling you will not change anything except your own perceptions. I love my daughter very very much and this time round I am slightly scared to have a boy because now I know girls. Whchever gender you have you will love that baby very much simply because he/she is yours and any gender biases you have now will melt away once the baby is born.

It is normal to feel some disappointment if you particularly want a specific gender, but in time that usually dies away and you get on with looking after the blessed gift you have been given - your child.

 

[angelic_one]

I felt like this twice in my pregnancy, first I was desperate for a girl, and then later on I was convinced it was a boy and I was really happy and desperate for for a boy!! Turned out to be a girl in the end and I was shocked and disappointed at first, but a month on I've gone back to thinking about all the original things i was excited about having a girl in the first place!

I'd say if they're honest, about 50% of parents have some sort of preference, and a large portion of them will be disappointed if they don't get what they want, but at the end of the day, it won't matter, and don't worry, you're not alone in what you're feeling!

 

[RaeVelez]

When I first found out I was pregnant, I always thought it was a girl and I really wanted a girl. I was convinced it was a girl for the longest time and I got my 20 week gender scan and as soon as she told me it was a boy, I teared up a little and I felt so much joy and excitement. I was scared I would feel let down or disappointed if it wasn't a girl, but I felt the exact opposite. I was so happy! Just being able to find out the sex is the best feeling in the world.

 

[AugustMidge]

before i say anything else i want to state how totally blessed i am to be pregnant- i had been ttc for 5 years and have wanted this baby pretty much all my life. i always believed that i wouldnt care what sex the baby was as long as it was healthy, as afterall, it was a child i wanted, not a particular gender.

But since getting my bfp ive had a strong desire to have a boy. and infact my instinct believes thats what im having, but i dont know if thats just because thats what i want.
i think my wanting for a son may be down to the fact that i had a traumatic childhood where bad things happened to me and ive grown up feeling girls are more vulnerable. i know they are irrational thoughts based on my own childhood and that a daughter of mine wouldnt be, but i cant change my desire for a son.

on top of that my partner also wants a boy and admitted the other day that he would be disappointed if he heard it was a girl at a gender scan, which made me feel terrible.

everyone apart from me is convinced im having a girl and it makes me so angry when i hear them say it, even my mum said this morning "oh its a girl you're having" and i nearly bit her head off.
im almost afraid to have a gender scan incase im disappointed that its a girl.

i feel so guilty for feeling this way and like i dont deserve to be pregnant and blessed with a child.

has anyone else felt this way about gender? i know i need to prepare myself for the fact that theres a 50/50 chance it will be a girl despite my instincts, and i know that i will love my baby whatever. but im finding these feelings hard to deal with and hate myself so much for feeling this way i feel so selfish

I have the same feelings (refer to my intro thread regarding my loss) I thought I'd be content with any gender, I know I really am but.... I WANT A BOY. For similar reasons as yourself, I have experiences that makes me feel a girl is MORE in danger then a boy but in reality that isn't true. Yet I fear that I will be unable to PROTECT a girl well enough. Its confusing and frustrating almost. My partner and I had a girl (she passed away) I feared having a girl so much I nearly convinced myself that I caused my tragedy. I didn't but its how I initially felt. Now, I am nearly positive this is going to be a boy and I don't know how I am going to feel if its a girl. I guess... I just want to say I kind of feel your confliction. You'll love your baby as I will love mine no matter what but I think I will feel disappointment at first, guilt then HAPPINESS beyond belief.