Gender upset at birth

[Sarah345]

As I write this I feel so incredibly guilty and selfish. I know I am really so lucky and will sound terrible. Please don't tell me how bad I sound as I do know I'm really being so selfish and ungrateful. I have just had baby #3 who is now just 5 days old. I already have a gorgeous girl who's 5 and boy who's 3. I've been so lucky - we didn't find out the sex of baby 3 and I didn't think I cared either way but as soon as I heard my husband say it's a boy I felt devastated. The emotion took me by surprise and I realised I'd be desperate for a little girl. I've cried everyday since and I'm struggling to feel happy.

I feel terrible about it. He's the cutest thing and i should be grinning from ear to ear to have a healthy little new boy but I can't help thinking about how I wanted a little girl running around. I keep looking at my daughters baby things and toys and feel devastated they won't be used again. I keep imagining them on my boy and how happy I'd feel. I know I sound terrible and so ungrateful. I keep telling myself to stop and think of my friends who have struggled to even have kids or my best friend who desperately wants a girl and has 3 boys. And hears me complaining when I have one. It's so wrong i know but I can't cheer up.

I love both my my daughter and my son to pieces but my daughter and I are closer. My 3yo son is daddy's boy and doesn't really show me any affection. Daddy has to put him to bed, he says he doesn't love me only Daddy and he goes to daddy if he's hurt- he freaks out if I try and help. It never used to bother me as I know he must love me but now I'm in tears all the time. Whereas my daughter adores me and only wants me. But she's changing and is getting more and more independent and I just wanted to re live the beautiful baby years with a little girl again.

I'm desperate to snap out of it and feel happy. I keep thinking I'm over it and I crack on but it keeps hitting me and I just cry. I've read lots of posts from people who have been upset when they find out the sex at their 20 u/s scan and all have said when they finally met their baby the feelings disappeared and they felt instant love. But I didn't find out the sex and my shock came at birth. I keep looking at him and feel so bad for not feeling blissfully happy.
I always wanted 3 kids and thought I'd feel so content now. But instead I feel loss and upset.

Has anyone else been through this where they struggled at birth? Did it get better? I'm worried I'm always going to look at him and wish I was seeing a girl. I really don't want that and I want this feeling to go away. I want to find this love and happiness that I should be feeling. He's only going to be little for such a short time and I'm wasting it by crying and wishing he's something he's not.

Sorry for such a long post.

 

[techheather]

Hugs. I don't have experience with this. I was so sad when I found I was having a daughter( my first child and husbands third daughter) and I desperately wanted to give him the boy. I am in love with her completely. But maybe this is your chance at that close mom son relationship.

 

[Witchrose]

I have no experience with this either, but from what you wrote, I am going to guess that it is not so much gender disappointment, but that you fear that this boy will sort of shun you in favor of his father the way you feel your first son does? That you will have to go through that pain doubled? If that is indeed your fear, it is important to remember that these two boys are two totally different human beings. Neither sex nor gender has anything to do with personality/temperament/interests etc. So just because you're not particularly close to your first son (and that may certainly change), does not at all mean that you won't be totally close and easily bond with your second little guy.

Try not to put pressure on yourself to feel/not feel a certain way. But just be with your new baby. Let things unfold naturally, and I think in time things will work out just fine.

 

[LoveCakes]

I agree with pp, it seems to be more about the relationship you expect but I've found more boys were their mums than girls.

Is this something you could talk to your midwife about, even in private?

 

[Sarah345]

It's probably in some part about my relationship with my son I guess I've never been needed by him and so I assume it will be the same this time. But it's also the desire for a second girl I think. I always wanted a sister but never did and I wanted my daughter to have this experience. And I wanted to also get the enjoyment and relive those magical baby years with another girl. Not that I love watching her play tea parties and playing mummy. And it's also the future- I'm so closets my mum whereas my brother barely keeps in touch. It's that saying Your sons your son until he meets a wife but your daughters your daughter for the rest of her life!

I'm also incredibly tired and hardly getting any rest. As well as having a baby last week we moved house! It's full on and I'm feeling very overwhelmed about everything!

 

[Twag]

First off sounds like it is all getting on top of you at the moment and with all the hormones running around you need to take some time

I will say that not saying is not true in my experience - my brother is married but OMG he is still such a mummies boy he probably see's my mum more than me & my sisters!
My DH is very close to his mum

My son is such a mummies boy also always wanting cuddles & kisses - he tells my DH to go away if he tries to help

 

[Witchrose]

Yeah, from my experience that "daughter is a daughter for life, but a son only is until he finds a wife" is totally untrue. Probably stems from some sexist stereotypes. It all depends on the individuals. My dad always had an extremely close relationship with his mom, as does my husband with his mother. And I don't see any reason why I shouldn't have the same with my son.

As for the wanting your daughter to have a sister, maybe you'll feel better about that if you realize that just because it's something you wanted, doesn't mean it will be something she necessarily wishes for? Your wants may not be the same as hers...

 

[Left wonderin]

Firstly congratulations on your little blue . You sound so sad and overwhelmed . You can still have those magical baby years . Is it possible that you were so caught up in them with your daughter that it effected your relationship with your son ? They are close in age . I only ask as I have recently had a new baby a girl and my son is 2 . I adore him and felt all sorts of guilty when little pink came along . I think for a while I over compensated . I'm certain my bonding with little pink was being effected until I had a good talk with a close friend . Now I couldn't love her anymore than I do .

Maybe this time this little blue will be a snuggly mammies boy .. I know mine is lol

 

[EarthMama]

My 2nd boy is 4 months old and NOTHING like the 1st one. I had similar feelings about the 3rd being a boy (found out myself at 20 weeks tho) All I can say is, hang in there! I felt pretty disconnected from my 2nd boy (3rd baby) too after birth...however things started changing when he began to smile at me and look for my eyes. Now I am absolutely in love with the little guy and appreciate how different he seems from his other two siblings. I'm sorry you're feeling down. It's okay to cry, let it all out. That intense bonding with your baby is coming. Your hormones are going crazy right now Things will settle down soon and you will look into his eyes and know it for love. Hang in there mama.

What helped me adjust is involving his older sister actually, in his care. It was like I found new ways to fall in love with her again, too, through taking care of him.

 

[mazndave]

I can kind of relate to how you're feeling, as despite having a boy and girl already I was surprisingly desperate to have another girl with my 3rd. I also didn't find out, and after an emergency c-section I was overjoyed to get our gorgeous daughter. I think if she'd been a boy I'd have been just as happy, but obviously without going through the experience I can't say for sure. Maybe I would've been broken-hearted.

I agree with the other posters who think it could possibly be more to do with you associating girls to closer relationships with their mummy. This isn't always the case - although your daughter is close to you, there are plenty out there that are daddy's girls, and grown up women who have no relationship with their mothers. It's to do with personality and not just gender. Your 1st son is closer to his dad, but that's not to say that your baby boy will be. In my experience, my son has always been so loving and wanting kisses and cuddles etc. It's me who takes him to bed, whereas my husband takes our eldest daughter. She is still loving and doesn't favour her daddy over me or anything, but at less than 2 I've found her to be much more independent than her brother was at the same age, and therefore she doesn't really want as much affection as he did. She's too busy all the time!

Give yourself time to come to terms with not getting what you hoped for, and everything will be fine in the end, I promise you. When your baby boy is smiling at you and looking into your eyes, you'll realise that he was meant to be part of your family and not some imagined little girl. Big hugs xx

 

[noon_child]

I agree with the other posters that this seems more like sadness over losing your DDs affections as she grows older and not being able to relive them with a boy, because boys like their dads more (which I disagree with myself - my brother is a soppy so and so and I'm the hard faced cow ).

However you are also trying to tell yourself not to feel what you feel. That doesn't work. You need to acknowledge your feeling and give yourself a break and time to get past them - you're grieving for a girl who never was.

 

[AngelofTroy]

If it helps, my son is a total mummy's boy! my brother is too! And most sisters I know fought/fight a lot.

 

[Sarah345]

Thank you to everyone for your support and advice. It has been a era help. I am unfortunate still struggling. I keep going through moments of being okay but then get this overwhelming sadness. I'm also finding its putting pressure on my relationship with my son as everytime he shuns me I now get upset. Before I used to laugh and actually found it his relationship with dad so sweet. Last night as bedtime my husband and two kids were having a disco in the bedroom and when I went in my son told me to go away and I wasn't allowed. I walked out crying. I know he doesn't mean to upset me and in being too sensitive. My daughter was calling me to come back. It just made me more sad and I just can't imagine I'll have a decent relationship with my new son.

I went shopping today to buy him some clothes and that had me crying as I just longed to buy the gorgeous girls clothes. Boys stuff is so boring and bland!
I must sound a mess and I am a bit. My son is a week old now and i can't say I've felt happy once in all that time. Not that I'm crying all the time but I just have a sad feeling in me. Maybe it's exaggerated baby blues or tiredness. I'm starting to worry it's more than that and I'm really worried I'll never bond with my newborn. I look at him and think he's cute and weeny and would be devastated if anything happened to him. But I don't have the overwhelming love I had with my others where I could look at them all day.

 

[Witchrose]

I'm really sorry you're going through such a thing. It does sound really rough. I would guess that since your oldest son is only three that it is just a terrible phase and not some omen of how he is always going to be toward you. But it's totally understandable that his behavior would pain you now. You're human! What does your husband say to him when he tells you to get out? If he hasn't already, I think your husband needs to start reprimanding in some way so your son knows, at least to some level, that it's not okay to talk to his mother that way. I know at three years of age, it might be hard to reason with him, but I think there are little things you might be able to do. And one major thing is that I absolutely wouldn't leave a room if my son told me to. Your child needs to respect you. I'd put my foot down with such behavior.

Regarding your LO, I do think you might be putting up walls. In a sense, subconsciously rejecting him before he can reject you.

I wish I had better advice, but really all I can say again is be kind to yourself. Give yourself time. Time to change how you are perhaps dealing with the situation with your older son's behavior. And hopefully you will see changes in his behavior, thereafter. And time to get to know your second son on his own terms.

Good luck!

 

[noon_child]

I went shopping today to buy him some clothes and that had me crying as I just longed to buy the gorgeous girls clothes. Boys stuff is so boring and bland!

Babies don't care, so buy him something with a pink bunny on if it'll cheer you up! - I wish stuff was more neutral to be honest so we can buy what we want regardless of gender.

I must sound a mess and I am a bit. My son is a week old now and i can't say I've felt happy once in all that time. Not that I'm crying all the time but I just have a sad feeling in me. Maybe it's exaggerated baby blues or tiredness. I'm starting to worry it's more than that and I'm really worried I'll never bond with my newborn. I look at him and think he's cute and weeny and would be devastated if anything happened to him. But I don't have the overwhelming love I had with my others where I could look at them all day.

I didn't get that overwhelming love with my daughter even though she was really wanted and the gender I wanted and expected. It is normal for that to happen sometimes and doesn't mean that you'll never love them. I'm very jealous of people who experienced that hormonal rush, but I console myself with the fact that I don't want to be conned in to feeling love by a hormone I want to fall in love with seeing this new person start to form and become an individual.
If you suspect it is PND the earlier it is treated the better. There is no harm in chatting to someone about the possibility.

 

[Left wonderin]

I must sound a mess and I am a bit. My son is a week old now and i can't say I've felt happy once in all that time. Not that I'm crying all the time but I just have a sad feeling in me. Maybe it's exaggerated baby blues or tiredness. I'm starting to worry it's more than that and I'm really worried I'll never bond with my newborn. I look at him and think he's cute and weeny and would be devastated if anything happened to him. But I don't have the overwhelming love I had with my others where I could look at them all day.

I could have written this bit ... I too thought my LO was cute and adorable , would be devastated if anything happened to her but felt somewhat indifferent towards her , everyone kept saying to me.,.... Awh do you just love her .... Of course I said yes and smiled but inside I was scream no I don't and I don't know why .. Everyone kept saying to me your great at sharing . Ie letting other people hold her ect .... In fact to me she didn't feel like my baby , she felt like someone else . I had no emotional connection to her . I of course looked after her bf her , cuddled her but didn't " feel " it . I wasn't even bothered about it . It is what is was . I was complacent , but then slowly when she began giving a smile it came bit by bit until one day I recognised the feeling I had . I had fallen in love with her . It took 4 months . Be kind to yourself . It will come xxxx

 

[Witchrose]

I went shopping today to buy him some clothes and that had me crying as I just longed to buy the gorgeous girls clothes. Boys stuff is so boring and bland!

"Babies don't care, so buy him something with a pink bunny on if it'll cheer you up! - I wish stuff was more neutral to be honest so we can buy what we want regardless of gender."

Absolutely they don't care. Seconded, buy what you want. It's all just marketing b.s. Prior to 1940, they pushed pink for boys, blue for girls. Cuz pink was considered a strong color coming from red. Blue was considered dainty, so for the `*cough* weaker sex. *eye roll*

https://jezebel.com/5790638/the-history-of-pink-for-girls-blue-for-boys

 

[laura109]

You are not bad at all. When i got pregnant i had my heart set on a little girl. I loved the idea of clothes and hair and pretty things. I felt this tiny fear about if it was a boy. I always told people i was happy either way but the main reason i found out the gender was to make sure i did not fantasise about having a daughter and get a boy.

I did have a girl and hand on heart i would of loved a boy just as much. I often think about my daughters tiny dresses etc and hope i have another girl too fill them one day. But i think its because you have an idea of perfect sometimes and you don't want to think of it any differently.

It might take time. But you will love him with all your heart. Its a big thing being a mum. It can feel sometimes like we are just there for everyone else and it can be overwhelming. Your hormones and emotions will be everywhere. You are probably tired and adjusting to such a big change.

Imagine him when he is older and he is protective if you. As a mum to a girl i often now wander about how nice it would be too have a son. One day he will wrap his arms round you for a cuddle or he will make you a gorgeous picture or tell you he loves you. Its those moments that will make you feel complete and happy. Its the person we love. Many women will hope more for one sex. Men will do it too. Give it a few weeks and you would not change anything. Dont be hard on yourself xxx

 

[minties]

I don't think ANYTHING seems very good or happy for me with a newborn, I think baby blues makes everything so much worse.

My daughter treats my OH like your son treats you and I know it upsets him a lot. They try and bond together over common interests like lego etc. I know it's next to impossible to find time with a new baby, but is that something you could do with your son in spare moments?

I don't think it's a boy thing how your son is acting, just a kid thing. I know it sucks.

 

[SarahBear]

I have not had this experience, however, could it be PPD? It's always best to seek help when PPD is at play. Also, you mentioned not being able to use your daughter's baby stuff and toys. Why not? You absolutely could use them. My son has tons of hand-me-downs from his big sister. Perhaps also try focusing on repairing the relationship between yourself and your older son and perhaps that will help you feel better about your younger one.