Getting Bored of Waiting !

[TeddysGirl]

Hi.
This is my first post here so bare with me.

A little bit of background history....

Back in 2010 - my first year of university, I decided I wanted to start TTC and my fiance (boyfriend at the time) agreed (stupid idea I know now but I think we were both just a bit shocked at being so far away from home for the first time and we were homesick) I fell pregnant after about 6 months of trying (I had just had my implant removed so my cycles were all over the place) but unfortunately I had a chemical pregnancy and a couple of months later, another one. After this we decided to wait until we were out of university. However we haven't just much/any contraception, we know roughly when I am fertile and we avoided or used condoms around that time.

When we had finished our final exams and handed in our dissertations I mentioned TTC and he said he would like to wait until we were in a rented house because at the time we were living with my parents who were putting up my uncle who was a bad alcoholic at the time and we didn't think it was the right environment. I agreed. We graduated in Sep 2013 and in Nov 2013 we moved into our first rented house. It was just a little 2 bed terraced house. I suggested TTC again, at this time my fiance had an OK paying job and I was working as-and-when at the hospital so it wasn't really stable, therefore he suggested waiting until I found a stable job which I did in Jan 2014, at a school which would be ideal with a child as I get all the holidays off. I suggested TTC again and he said ok but he wanted to do it all relaxed so no tracking, temping, ovulation tests etc. I said ok.......this was a year ago.

Since then I have noticed that every single month, he seems to know around the time I am fertile (even when I don't let him know when AF starts) and he avoids me. Common excuses - headache, tired from work, wants to fool around rather than have sex. Or he will have sex with me and then pull out. I have been open and honest with him. I said if he isn't ready let me know and it's fine, we can wait until he is ready, but he says he wants to. I don't know what to think. Especially as sometimes he says things like "I love your body, it would be a shame to ruin it by having a baby." Seriously !!!! I never know what to think. If he wants a kid what is he waiting for.

We are both 24 years old.
We both have degrees.
We both have stable, well paying jobs.
We now own a 3 bedroom house.
We have a few thousand pounds savings.
We have about £1k left over every month after paying bills, food etc.
We have been together over 7 years.
We are engaged.
My mum doesn't work and lives a few minutes away and said if we had a child (she's as desperate to be a nanny as I am to be a mum) she would look after the child when I went back to work.

If he wants a child that badly, then why is he avoiding me ?
It's not like we're 'typical' young people either, we don't go out at weekends, we're not interested in travelling etc. So it's not like by having a child we would have to give up much !

I want to be a mum so badly. I have wanted it for years and I feel like I am just waiting for him to stop avoiding me. If he was honest with me it would be better, I just feel like he's constantly deceiving me.

He is adiment that we have had sex on my fertile days in the past year so I have just sent him this text "Hi babe. I was thinking, we've been not preventing for over a year now and nothing has happened, how about I start temping. That way I will know if I'm ovulating an if nothing happens in like 3 months I can take the graphs to the doctors and see what he thinks?" He hasn't replied yet.

I just hate being in limbo.

Sorry for this long rant, I just needed to get it off my chest !

 

[Kiki1993]

Maybe he is scared to go through another failed pregnancy? It would have been pretty hard on both of you and maybe he was trying to be strong for you and it caused him to not deal with it himself?

 

[ArtIsLife]

Sounds like my husband... and it takes a lot to get him to admit anything, I can tell he is terrified to have a baby, yet he says he does but gets upset if I tell him it doesn't seem like he wants it. Ugh... why are men so complicated?!

It seems like he is avoiding you and is not communicating with you about why. Keep letting him know you are open to talk about it without pushing him too much, sometimes that's the only way I can get through to my DH. It sounds like that's what you are doing, unfortunately it can take some time for men to open up, and its extremely frustrating.

 

[EmmySocks]

We're in a similar place - same age as well! He sounds a bit uncertain. Perhaps you could talk and see whether there's something on his mind? I've had a few chats like this with Mr Socks, i found a good way in is to talk ask about things he wants to achieve before starting a family (he said lots of things initially - one of them included buying a sports car... ) but we've talked about that list together and we've compromised to doing the most important ones - like buying a house.

It might bring up that there's something he wants to do before ttc. Or it might help reinforce to him how ready you both are and help refresh his enthusiasm in ttc

 

[TeddysGirl]

Thanks for all your advice guys.

I spoke to him last night and I took your advice EmmySocks and I asked if there is anything he wants to do or to achieve before we start a family and he said 'wow, that's a good question' which must mean it's good advice because that's not usually the type of thing he would say lol. He took a while and thought about it and he said he doesn't think so.
I said what about holidays and he said he's not interested in going abroad (neither am I) but he would like to go visit more places within the UK like the lake and peak districts but then he said he can imagine it being more fun with kids, going camping and stuff. He also said that even if we did want to do something that we couldn't take kids to, his mum lives right behind us and my mum lives a few minutes away and they are both desperate to be grandparents so we could leave the child with them for a weekend.

He agreed to me temping for a few months, mainly because my cycle was pretty messed up last month (usually 27-30 days, was only 23 days last cycle). So I am not sure if we are TTC or WTTC. I'm on cycle day 17 at the moment and last time I tracked (about 4 years ago) I ovulated on CD16 (so if I still do and my cycle was only 23 days long last cycle then I only had a 7 day LP which is concerning).

 

[EmmySocks]

Aww i'm so pleased it might have helped. hopefully it will get him thinking about it in a no-pressure way and he'll realise you're in a great position to start your family now it's lovely he's thinking about holidays you might do together when you have kids.

Also forgot to add - i'm from norfolk too (near great yarmouth).

Good luck Keep gently prodding him until he agrees!

 

[TeddysGirl]

No way ! I'm in Bradwell !

 

[EmmySocks]

oh no way. i live in bradwell!!!

 

[EmmySocks]

do i know you?! did you go to ensfc? i left in 2009 xx

 

[TeddysGirl]

do i know you?! did you go to ensfc? i left in 2009 xx

Yea I did. I left in 2010 cos I took a year out between school and college. My fiance was there 2007-2010, he did an extra AS level so we could go to uni at the same time. We went to University of Lincoln. How strange, it's a small world !

 

[EmmySocks]

ah wow i met my husband there in 2008 such a small world xx

 

[TeddysGirl]

I met mine there in 2007 (I went there from Sep-Dec when I had to leave because I had constant tonsillitus)

 

[TeddysGirl]

I've PMed you

 

[EmmySocks]

what did you study? don't suppose you'd have been in my classes - think we were a year apart. i did math, psychology, philosophy, eng lit. xx

 

[TeddysGirl]

I did Chemistry, Human Biology and English Lang

 

[littlesteph]

When me and my hubby were trying for our first (took 2 years to conceive) he always seemed to know when my fertile times were despite me being irregular, we'd go that whole week not doing the deed, when I asked him about it he said that he hadn't noticed but felt like sex was a chore, we weren't doing it for the sake of doing it, we were doing it to make a baby.
maybe he feels the same, that its become a chore, he might also be scared about the idea of being a dad. he'll come round in his own time, I know the feeling of wanting a baby so much, that feeling won't make sex feel any less of a chore. maybe try making sex fun, see if that helps, he might be less likely to pull out.

 

[kksy9b]

i'm glad that you all have talked and seem to be more on the same page. Littlesteph gave great advice too- keep it light and fun and not a "we're trying to make a baby" kind of a mood. For me, TTC was terrible and I am very thankful it only took 3 months. Next time around, I definitely want to make it less pressure filled.

One piece of advice...I would really encourage doing some of the traveling/camping that he was talking about before a baby. If you formula feed or pump and bottle feed, it can be easier. But if you exclusively breastfeed or have a strongly attached child like mine, it may be impossible to leave them for a weekend until they are much older. We BF but that is not so much the issue (I could grudgingly pump milk for a day or two since he also eats a lot of solids) so much as he goes into hysterics if away from me for more than a few hours. It is better now than what it used to be, but at night he will not settle for anyone but me. Every baby is different but something to consider.

Even if it isn't going away overnight, find fun things to do as a couple now with just you. Having a baby is the most wonderful thing and I would change nothing. But I really cherish all the fun times my DH and I had together before he was born as well.

Good luck! It sounds like you are much more on the same page now and I hope your TTC journey ends soon!