Getting DH fully on board

[Crazy4Emily]

Have any of you ladies had trouble getting your DH to really REALLY be on bored with TTC? My DH confided a few months ago that he had his sperm quality checked several years ago (like 20) when he was married with his first wife and found out that he had low sperm count. I keep asking him to go get checked again, because, well frankly, if he's shooting blanks, it would alleviate a lot of stress for me. I wouldn't think every month, "squee this could be it!" Anyways, he flat out refuses to go. I don't get it. He says he'd like a child, but only "naturally. I'm not getting all crazy about this" It makes me want to punch him in the head.

Has anyone else had trouble getting their OH to do what needs to be done to get the job done? I just feel like if we knew the whole story, it would take off some of the pressure, you know?

 

[vickyd]

In my case we know that our problem is not conceiving, but staying pregnant.
I had all the tests done, and at the time i began the testing dh was on my case about what a big waste of time and money it was. In his defence these were words also expressed by my doc, but still i was hoping for more support from him. He is a very laid back person so he doesnt get the "we have to bd tonight cause im ov' scenario. He thinks we should just have sex when were up for it and let nature take its course...GRRRRR!!! I still get him to perfom when he has to but its truely draining me every month...

 

[Omi]

Hmmm. I think there could be 2 issues here. I see you already have a child. Could he possible be stalling due to the extra stress and burden this could be perceived by him to be? (men can be funny this way....)

Secondly, have you been trying since the birth of your daughter? Your sig says 12.12.07. Im i right in thinking this could be a mc? (no offense if im wrong, ok?)

if you have been trying for all that time, and im judging this on my own experience, men usually want to check things out. Albeit some more willingly than others, granted. But still, i find the longer it takes the more willing they are as usually by this time their macho naiveté that their sperm is of nuclear strength has somewhat taken a knocking, lol!

But - this aint helping you.

Ive had several very frank conversations with dh, usually ending up with tears (me!) at some point. It finally came to a point where i made it VERY clear (assuming he's on board in wanting another child) of a) it gets more difficult the older you (as in BOTH of you) get b) You cant do it on your own (God, if only... lol!) and we already do EVERYTHING!! All they have to do is from what i assume is a rather enjoyable moment is eff all!

I took my hubby along to the gp for a talk on what to do. Luckily he didn't mind doing it and we had rather a giggle of him having as he put it ' an unusual start to the morning'. when he had to do the deed.

Granted, i feel we've turned a corner. But i had some months where i cried myself to sleep due to what i felt as no co-operation.

Maybe some frank dialogue would do? maybe he fears having a bad result? it could be something as simple as that, you know. Men are a funny breed and often have deep seated fears about their maleness etc.

Im sorry i don't have any better advice hun, but you do know you can buy sperm tests on ebay. A thought?

 

[Crazy4Emily]

Do they sell at home sperm tests on ebay?? Or at all??? I had no idea. Off to look that up!

My daughter was adopted. I wanted so much to be a Mom, that I applied to adopt as a single woman. It took SOOOO long, that I met and got engaged to my now DH while we waited for her. So, he really didn't have to do any "work" at all to become a Dad. I had already done all the paperwork. We got married 10-11 months AFTER I adopted her.

I don't know what his deal is with this. Or rather, I think it's that he doesn't *really* want another child and he's just yessing me to get me to shut up. We've had LOTS of talks about it, and we're in counseling now, because it has caused a lot of stress in our new marriage. Basically, I thought it was understood we'd have other children. I mean, how much more clear can I be that being a parent was super important to me. Plus, the whole, I TOLD HIM I wanted to get preggers straight away.
Anyways, he finally FINALLY said that he really did want another child after all, but now all of a sudden it's like, but "only if it's meant to be, and only if it just happens. We're not going to do crazy tests" So I guess, I'm still pretty pissed off about it now that I'm typing it all out. If you want a child, don't you just want to do everything in your power to have a child? I mean, why wouldn't you? Or is that just my hormones talking?? Men are such strange creatures. They are never easy to figure out. *sigh*

 

[Omi]

Oh, hun! Sorry for me missing out that you adopted (and well done btw - amazing thing to do on your own!! Kudos, babe! )

Yeah, the 'natural\ thing seems to crop up a lot on here to be honest. Yes, its easy for them isn't it? They don't understand that even when it happens 'naturally' we still have been watching, testing, swallowing pills etc and yet having a little sex is such a chore! Geezo!!

Anywhoo.. I suspect (taking into count i don't know you from Larry, of course) using his own words, having mentioned the previous test that it could well be a case of fear of the unknown - the fear of bad news of 'shooting blanks' as you put it.

Im glad you're doing counselling - it shows a lot of forethought into your relationship and i hope you can get this issue ironed out, hun!

All the best, Omi xxx

 

[mommyinwtg]

Yes, I'm in the same boat. OH says he wants to take a "natural" approach to things. Easy for him to say--he's coming up on 36, but men are fertile much longer than women. I'm 38 in 9days and feel like it's NEVER going to happen. I was very hopeful with some symptoms earlier on, but now they've all faded. I'm due for AF on Thursday and truly expect that I'm out for this month. Each month that passes I feel more and more discouraged.

Anyways, he's much happier NTNP than actively TTC. I don't think they really understand all that it takes to make a baby.

 

[heart tree]

My DH is a little more willing to do things to help the process but not by much. He did do a sperm analysis 2 years ago and everything looked good. After my 2nd mc, he submitted to a chromosome blood test, again everything ok. He seems to think that because of these results, and because of the fact I've been pregnant twice, we'll get our baby. In my eyes, the problem is that he's 41 and doesn't necessarily lead the cleanest life. He's smoked pot most of his adult life (he's a musician, what can I say?) He's cut down significantly after my second loss as I told him it might be his bunk sperm rather than my body. He has been devastated seeing me go through a second loss so that has helped him see things a little more clearly. HOWEVER, when I originally asked him to do the chromosome test and told him that if it came back abnormal we would be directly referred to IVF, he balked. He said he wasn't interested in using science to have a baby. Then I brought up adoption (I have 2 adopted siblings) and he said he wanted his own baby. You can imagine how much that hurt to hear. We started moving into the conversation about divorce. It was awful, but I decided I had to let him know if we didn't try all avenues to have a baby, I would resent him forever. I refuse to live my life in resentment. When he proposed to me after 7 years of dating, he said he was ready to have a baby. This was 6 years ago. He knew how much I wanted one then and knows how much I want one now.

Honestly, since he has become so aware of how serious I am about this, he has gotten more on board with the situation. I know without a doubt that he doesn't want to lose me. And he genuinely wants a baby. So, I think after a bit more time, we can talk about other options without him getting cold feet.

Sometimes I think it just takes guys a lot longer to process the information and integrate it into their psyche. Good for you for going to counseling. Clearly your DH is willing to go the extra mile if he is doing this with you. Counseling will help you to get to common ground, I truly believe that.

I might just add that I am truly in awe of you for initiating adoption on your own. I only wish I was that courageous when I was younger. Adoption is such a wonderful option. I honestly can't imagine my life without my brother and sister!

 

[FBbaby]

My OH also struggles with the whole concept of ttc. He was the one to ask me about having a child together in April 09 and was almost in tears when I said I would love to because he thought after having two already, I wouldn't be keen to start again. Amazingly, we fell pg first month and he was absolutely over the moon, I have so many texts of him saying how happy he is etc.. then I m/c. He took it philosophically, saying that we would try again and it was bound to happen since it had so easily. We were persuaded he has super sperm. Went on 5 months of active ttc, sometimes taking it with a laugh, sometimes not. I wanted to talk about it, he gradually didn't. In Nov 09, we got referred and we had the appt in Feb. He was really reluctant to do the SA test, not because of the implications, but just anxiety about the process. He is the type to never go to a doctor and the idea of going to a clinic and discussing anything about sperm puts him in a sweat! I tried to book it myself, but he had to do it. It took him days to do so, and it was a real chore for him. Really hard for me to understand, but i could see how much he dreaded it. Then he was freaking out at the idea of doing it at the clinic. I think he trully believed he wouldn't be able to do so. In the end, we were able to do it at home, and like Omi, it turned out to be quite fun! I went with him to drop it off (read: I held the specimen, did all the talking and handed it over whilst he stood behind me!). Anyway, results came back not good and we decided to schedule another test. At that stage, he was keen to try icsi, if anything on the basis that he wouldn't want to regret not having tried.

Over the months though, his attitude has gradually changed. He took the 'news' quite well, at least in appearance. Now I know how much the whole thing has taken quite a beating on him. We had a second test (this time the whole thing was a lot more relaxing) which came back much better. He told me before the appt that he was absolutely dreading the idea of doing icsi. Now, because of the results, we are giving it another try naturally with a 3rd test in September, but a couple of weeks ago, he told me that he wasn't so sure any longer, that he was really worried about the implication of a baby in our lives and him not being a good dad because of his age. I was gobsmacked, but when I asked him if it was a problem for him that I was still very keen and not prepared to give up, he gave me a big hug and said with emotion that no, it wasnt a problem at all.

Men seem to react quite differently to us. The way I deal with it is accepting the ups and downs that ttc takes us through, but not matter what, determined to get there in the end. OH goes through ups and downs dealing with the disappointment by convincing himself that it isn't meant to be because he wouldn't be a good dad, which of course is absolute rubbish!

Where we are is that I am taking the lead on this (which is ok because he takes the lead on other matters in our lives) and he goes along with it! Even though I never say anymore that I am about to ovulate, I think he senses it and he certainly never say no to bd! He doesn't refuse to make appointments or go, even if I can tell that it makes him anxious to go. He is also cutting down on his drinking, and even though he would deny it has something to do with the consultant advising him to do so because of the relationship between sperm and alcohol, I know he is really making an effort because of it. He isn't reducing his cycling though, and sometimes I want to say something, but I know how much it means to him and I can't show him evidence that this is really affecting him since he cycled less when sperm would have been produced for the first (bad) SA then the second (almost normal).

In the end, it is much about respect for each other's ways to deal with it. My OH accepts my borderline obsessive and determined approach to it, even if at times, I burst into tears and I know it makes him feel terrible to see me like this, and I respect that his way of coping is to convince himself that it might be better if it doesn't happen. I asked him last time we talked about it to promise me to tell me if he really wanted to give up ttc altogether because it would take a lot out of me and I would need time to adjust to it. I know deep inside that as long as it is not in his face day after day, he will want to continue trying.

He did say something when we started ttc after the m/c which I know meant a lot to him which was that his biggest fear was that the stress of ttc would impege on our relationship. He said that no matter what, having found me what the most wonderful thing that had happened to him, and even though a baby would be an absolute gift, it wasn't worth losing me over it. I think this is a common fear amongst men ttc. We do tend to become odd hormones-fueled creatures whilst ttc

 

[Tishimouse]

Hello everyone, Hi Omi (my pal from way back when),

I used to be a regular member here when TTC (from age 45 - 47) and would have loved this forum then. I went through these trials and tribulations with DH not fully on board, leaving all the monitoring, temp taking, worrying, stressing, crying, vitamin taking, book reading, researching etc etc etc to me. He did - NOTHING. He didn't even participate all the time and there were occasions where I would instigate things without the introductory speech of "it has to be now, this is my crucial day. My monitor says GO GO GO" I would skulk around and snuggle up to him in the hope he'd get the message but sometimes, it didn't work and I would be left sitting on the bathroom mat with the door locked sobbing into my fluffy towels. Memories!

I had the blood tests CD3 and 21 and found that my FSH levels were diminishing. There was still a chance as they weren't too low, but time was definitely running out and the doctor told me I was in the perimenopause stage, so could go through menopause from 1 to 10 years time (vague I know, but that's nature for you). DH had no tests done and after hearing about my FSH levels, I quite frankly gave up. It felt like TTC was making me unhappy, I put on weight with made me even unhappier (and still haven't lost it) and I can honestly say at times I really hated my husband. Still to this day I believe that because he already has two boys from a previous marriage, he didn't take it as seriously as I did. I went to counselling too, but on my own and didn't tell him because I really felt like I could have left him with a little more of a push. TTC was ruining my life and spoiling my marriage (we only got married when I was 45) and I didn't want to loose everything. When I went to counselling, I ended up talking more about my mother than anything else as she was ill when I was young but covered ground about my relationship and learning how to compromise. It definitely helped me feel good about myself, calmer and more in control - basically it brought out the best in me and I am so much stronger as a result of it. It brought out all my strengths and helped me find a coping mechanism for my weaknesses.

I have put TTC behind me now, although I am still finishing off my vitamins (they run out this month and I didn't want to waste them). I was 48 in May and can't really imaging getting pregnant now, so we are NTNP but our love life has never really been that active and it's become even less active since I gave up TTC. I feel quite unattractive having an extra 28 lbs and am working on losing that to make myself feel better. I am hoping to pick up the bedroom pace a bit when I feel better about my image and am confident that our marriage is now secure. I should add that TTC aside and all the above, we do love each other and have an otherwise healthy, happy relationship. This is just a phase in life that some people have to go through - some with positive results and others with disappointment. I just stop and think that having children is extremely important, but it really is not the most important thing in life - health comes first then happiness. I am both and thankful to my own mother for my life.

Oops! I've got myself carried away and written too much sorry about that. To all of you I wish the best of luck and look forward to hearing of your success. Especially Omi who I feel I know personally (cyber-wise anyway) - keep going girlfriend - you will get there.

 

[HappyAuntie]

Yay counseling!! I wish more people would go instead of just giving up when the going gets rough. Good for you, Crazy4Emily, and for your DH!

As for wanting it to happen naturally, maybe he isn't aware that there are some pretty low-tech things that can be done to help things along. He may be afraid that one bad test result will lead straight to IVF and octomom or something like that! He may also be worried about the costs of testing and intervention, another thing that just getting some basic info may be helpful for. My insurance has pretty great infertility coverage, but if we didn't, my clinic is really responsible about only doing things that a) you can afford, and b) that are likely to have a good outcome - they know you don't want to throw your money after something that isn't likely to help you anyway. They also have a payment plan if you need it.

My DH was really worried about giving a sample for SA, and QUITE relieved when the dr said it wasn't necessary at this point (because our problem isn't getting pregnant, it's staying pregnant). He was more nervous about the collection process than the possible results - I think he had performance anxiety! I was mystified by his reaction. Who knows. psh! Men!

 

[lexus15]

Exactly the same as mine! He's refused to give a sample saying that 'it' will happen as we have a 15 year old! Was reading on here somewhere about DIY sperm test, have been considering buying one!

 

[Mamabel]

So glad this thread was started in our new forum...in some of the other TTC forums the husbands must live part-time in Harlequin Romance novels....not my reality at all. My DH is totally uninterested in TTC, he's very content with our 2 girls. However, after 2 years of negotiations, he's come to understand that for me,the last child is like a real person to me, and that if I don't have her, I'll probably have to go to grief counseling. I'm sure I'd think...I wonder what she'd be like, she'd be in kindergarten now, she'd be graduating now, etc. etc., just like if one had lost a child.

So, after me sharing my grief and lots of tears and discussions, he agreed to TTC. However, he's totally uninterested, which was really tough during my short pregnancy last winter (Mc'd on April 1st). However, he loves me and is willing to help me be happy, so that's what matters. Once the baby gets here (staying positive), I'm sure he'll be a wonderful father, as he already is.

Again, it's so refreshing to hear others sharing frustrations about our imperfect mates, and hearing everyone's (well, almost everyone's) understanding about our mates' strengths and...areas to improve.

 

[FBbaby]

What worried my OH most about doing a sample was provision of the good in a room with people passing near by, where many others have done the same thing etc... Once he found out that we could do it at home, it really helped. I suspect he was shaking like a leaf when he called to make the appointment as even mentioning the word 'semen' would put him in a sweat, and they wouldn't accept me making the appointment on his behalf, but he managed it, feeling as proud as a school kid afterwards!

I personally find this quite endearing because I know it is a question of it being really hard for him (even if I can't understand why) rather then disinterest or laziness. He did thank me for being supportive in that regards and in the end, the experience has got us even closer.

lexus, I think home kits only tell you about total count. If the problem is with poor motility or morphology, it wouldn't show, yet these even with a very high count can be a problem. If he'd be prepared to do that though, maybe he would be ok to do a proper test if he can produce the sample at home? If needs to be handed within an hour.

 

[Deb111]

Hi girls

Hope you don't mind me jumping in. I've been through all the struggles with getting hubby on board (even though he says he wants a family as much as I do) which is what drew me to this thread.

However, I just wanted to warn you about our experience (not to panic anyone though!)

Hubby wasn't ready to ask for some help / tests after we had been trying 12 months with nothing, so I thought I'd order a home sperm test just to check there was nothing major until he was ready for us to go for further tests.

We ordered a make that was highly recommended on the internet. All came back fine - a huge relief - showing as the 20mil+ figure.

6 month later still nothing, so we went to the drs and got referred to the Fertility clinic - 2 SA's later and both show NO SPERM WHATSOEVER!!! - he's now been diagnosed with azoospermia.

I could understand the difference between a home test saying 20mil+ and then a SA at clinic showing slightly low at 15mil say, but there is no grey area between 20mil+ and NOTHING!

I don't want to worry anyone and maybe ours was a dud batch, but please, use home tests with caution - we may have gone for help sooner if we hadn't relied on these results.

Good luck to you all xx

 

[FBbaby]

I agree Deb, not only are they not really accurate, but all they look at is count, not motility or morphology. You can have an ok, even good count, but be infertile if motility and/or morphology is very low.