DHBH0930
Expecting #2
- Joined
- Dec 27, 2012
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I dislike the term "chemical pregnancy". Unless you have experienced one, just the name of it makes it sound like something you are unjust in grieving. No, it does not compare to a loss at 15 weeks, 30 weeks, or an infant, however it is still a loss and I wish the term made it sound more valid. Anyone can understand that a "miscarriage" causes a great deal of pain and sadness and thus can understand why you would grieve. However, when someone hears "chemical pregnancy" the statistics pop in their head and with the commoness they occur, they think "well that happens to so many women and its only a clump of cells". If they haven't experienced it they can't understand the immediate pure joy and excitement felt when you see that BFP, whether you are TTC your first or your fifth, and then the great sadness you feel to have that taken from you.
On only our 2nd try of TTC #1 I had my first BFP ever on Monday February 4th, 2013. It was faint but it was for sure there. I was over the moon and I couldn't wait for my husband to come home and show him. I was in the greatest mood, I couldn't stop grinning, and dancing around the kitchen while cooking dinner. I had just found out I was going to have everything I have always wanted, a great husband, a nice house and now a baby. So many plans started to run through my head. I read over our list of names we came up with a few months back, I considered how the nursery would look, I thought of cute ways to announce it to our families after our first ultra sound. I was the most content I have ever been and so thrilled it happened so quickly for us since I am impatient and have wanted a baby for as long as I can remember.
The next day (Tuesday) I took another test, it was much more visible then the one the day before. I was so relieved! The HCG was increasing like it should, so I called my doctor and scheduled my first appointment. That night my husband and I discussed the timeline. When we will announce the pregnancy to my family and when we will drive up to Michigan to announce it to his, etc. I wanted to shout it to the world! "I'M PREGNANT!!!"
On Wednesday I bought a digi so I could see the words "pregnant". Took the test and it said "not pregnant" I told myself maybe I drank a lot of water and its still early, so I took another first response, the line was lighter. I still assured myself its so early, I will try again tomorrow.
On Thursday I didn't have work, I woke up and took another digi and first response. Digi says "not pregnant" again, and the first response is now just about completely negative, only the tiniest hint of a line now. I knew it wasn't sticking. I texted my husband my concerns and how down I was feeling. He told me to try and keep my mind off of it. How could I? I have wanted this so bad! I felt like someone dangled my biggest dream in front of me and dropped it in my hand. I had it! My dream came true! It is right here in my hand! Then I lost it, I couldn't see it anymore! Did I drop it? Did someone steal it from me? I frantically look for it (take many, many more tests). I don't see it anywhere and I feel helpless, I know I'm losing it but I can't stop it.
Next thing I know my husband is home from work in the middle of his shift. He brought me flowers and ice cream. I just held onto him and didn't ever want to let go. We went out for lunch, I needed to eat something even though I wasn't feeling too hungry. We come home and he gives me a long massage and we cuddle on the couch and eat ice cream while watching a movie. I think about how much I love this man, and it did help to have him comfort me, but at the same time just made me want his baby even more.
I go to bed with just about no hope left that the pregnancy will stick. Sure enough at 4am on Friday I woke up with horrible cramps and heavy bleeding. It was over, my dream was taken from me. I couldn't sleep after that, just laid there with my thoughts and cramps till our alarms go off for work. I told him it was for sure over and he consoles me. We head off for work, but all I want to do is have him hold me all day. My day was mostly normal, I was able to smile on occasion but my mind kept going to thoughts that I am no longer pregnant. I kept having to stop myself from starting to cry.
Now it's Saturday, my period is still an uncomfortable reminder that I'm no longer pregnant. It was only our 2nd try but that doesn't make it any easier to go through. It was a loss, no matter how tiny that clump of cells was I knew it was there and I dreamed of it growing in me. My grief is real, I was pregnant and now I am not. I was going to have a baby in October and now I will not.
I will be okay and we will be trying again right away. I just hope the next one sticks.
On only our 2nd try of TTC #1 I had my first BFP ever on Monday February 4th, 2013. It was faint but it was for sure there. I was over the moon and I couldn't wait for my husband to come home and show him. I was in the greatest mood, I couldn't stop grinning, and dancing around the kitchen while cooking dinner. I had just found out I was going to have everything I have always wanted, a great husband, a nice house and now a baby. So many plans started to run through my head. I read over our list of names we came up with a few months back, I considered how the nursery would look, I thought of cute ways to announce it to our families after our first ultra sound. I was the most content I have ever been and so thrilled it happened so quickly for us since I am impatient and have wanted a baby for as long as I can remember.
The next day (Tuesday) I took another test, it was much more visible then the one the day before. I was so relieved! The HCG was increasing like it should, so I called my doctor and scheduled my first appointment. That night my husband and I discussed the timeline. When we will announce the pregnancy to my family and when we will drive up to Michigan to announce it to his, etc. I wanted to shout it to the world! "I'M PREGNANT!!!"
On Wednesday I bought a digi so I could see the words "pregnant". Took the test and it said "not pregnant" I told myself maybe I drank a lot of water and its still early, so I took another first response, the line was lighter. I still assured myself its so early, I will try again tomorrow.
On Thursday I didn't have work, I woke up and took another digi and first response. Digi says "not pregnant" again, and the first response is now just about completely negative, only the tiniest hint of a line now. I knew it wasn't sticking. I texted my husband my concerns and how down I was feeling. He told me to try and keep my mind off of it. How could I? I have wanted this so bad! I felt like someone dangled my biggest dream in front of me and dropped it in my hand. I had it! My dream came true! It is right here in my hand! Then I lost it, I couldn't see it anymore! Did I drop it? Did someone steal it from me? I frantically look for it (take many, many more tests). I don't see it anywhere and I feel helpless, I know I'm losing it but I can't stop it.
Next thing I know my husband is home from work in the middle of his shift. He brought me flowers and ice cream. I just held onto him and didn't ever want to let go. We went out for lunch, I needed to eat something even though I wasn't feeling too hungry. We come home and he gives me a long massage and we cuddle on the couch and eat ice cream while watching a movie. I think about how much I love this man, and it did help to have him comfort me, but at the same time just made me want his baby even more.
I go to bed with just about no hope left that the pregnancy will stick. Sure enough at 4am on Friday I woke up with horrible cramps and heavy bleeding. It was over, my dream was taken from me. I couldn't sleep after that, just laid there with my thoughts and cramps till our alarms go off for work. I told him it was for sure over and he consoles me. We head off for work, but all I want to do is have him hold me all day. My day was mostly normal, I was able to smile on occasion but my mind kept going to thoughts that I am no longer pregnant. I kept having to stop myself from starting to cry.
Now it's Saturday, my period is still an uncomfortable reminder that I'm no longer pregnant. It was only our 2nd try but that doesn't make it any easier to go through. It was a loss, no matter how tiny that clump of cells was I knew it was there and I dreamed of it growing in me. My grief is real, I was pregnant and now I am not. I was going to have a baby in October and now I will not.
I will be okay and we will be trying again right away. I just hope the next one sticks.
I hope you get your sticky bean really soon.
*hug*
what an insensitive post.
We think she is beautiful too 
xx
