I feel like the worst Mummy in the world for the things Im about to write.. But I have no Mummy friends that would understand. I've told nobody this except my sister... and there are people I know on this site that will probably judge me for this.. but if my experiences can help another, I don't care.
I felt terrible when I was pregnant. I was in awful pain the whole way through with an irritable uterus and really poorly. I was on 8 codeine a day, signed off work and not allowed to drive. I didn't bond with my pregnancy at all and all I could think was that my LO would suffer (my other child was 2) We're so close that I just felt like I was pushing him out by being pregnant. With the pain I was in, pre eclampsia and blood pressure issues, I just blamed the baby inside of me. Guilt much ><
The minute my LO was born was an emergency. I was told had to have him NOW. He'd swallowed meconium and was very poorly _ I was also very poorly with risk of seizing due to incredibly high BP/Protein with Pre-E. He was born in about 30 seconds with 2 pushes and his Dad not in the room as it was too urgent. I couldn't hold him either as I was really ill.
He was taken to his Dad who held him in the corner of the room while he was wheezing. (Serious lung infection) I was taken to the bed to be worked over, and I immediately started crying. The midwives were concerned and my OH panicked - My sister understood. I was crying, sobbing my heart out because I felt so guilty for disliking this little baby throughout my whole pregnancy. Here he was, poorly as anything, about to be rushed to the NICU.. and all I had done for 6 months (found out late) was dislike and blame him for the pain I was in and the upset I feared his brother would feel. I sobbed in the labor suite about how terrible a Mum I was and how much I loved him instantly. The minute he was born I felt the same gush of love I had with his brother - He wasn't the 'thing' that was in the way any more - He was my second child.
I now love both of my children exactly the same. They are both my world, both my little Mummys boys. I was worried my 2 (now 3) year old wouldn't get enough mummy time/attention - but the truth is, the three of us now have the most amazing moments. He loves his brother - possibly more than he even loves me! The three of us have such a tight bond I couldn't have even imagined. The minute he was born I felt so stupid and guilty.. for feeling guilty.
It'll pass. I promise. x