Guilty feelings for not managing a vaginal birth

[Siuan]

I guess this is normal for women who have gone through an EMCS. But recently I've been reading other ladies experiences with their natural births and seeing stuff along those lines on TV and feeling really disappointed in myself that I couldn't manage a "normal" vaginal birth for my LO.

My plans all along during my pregnancy were for a normal straight forward water birth at the local midwifery unit. But my body just didn't want to play ball.

I feel like my body is incapable of doing it "properly" and I feel really sad that I didn't manage it

My birth story is here if anyone's interested: https://www.babyandbump.com/birth-stories-announcements/966651-francesca-maes-arrival-story.html

I'm guessing I may not be alone in these thoughts and I'm sorry if I offend anyone by suggesting a CS isn't "normal" it's just that I feel so... well... inadequate I guess that I couldn't do it vaginally. Like I'm less of a woman somehow.

Please someone tell me I'm not alone in feeling like this. I keep being told by people that I'm coping amazingly well and that I should be down in the dumps but because I'm not I'm obviously very strong etc which is good to hear (I'm fine in myself otherwise, no PND or anything in fact I'm happier than I've ever been). But then I can't help sobbing like a baby when I see other women managing a normal birth so easily.

 

[Ozzieshunni]

I felt the same although my situation is a little different from yours. I had to have a c-section because if I tried natural labor there was no way to monitor my LO's heart and it may have killed him.

I wouldn't dwell on it. Your baby is here. Happy, healthy, and loved

 

[sg2011]

Yes, I feel like this to a degree. I have physical issues with my pelvis that make it so that a vaginal birth would cause me permanent damage so a c-section is the way I have to deliver if I want to have children at all. It is hard to watch those baby shows or read stories about positive vaginal births and not feel like I'm missing out on an amazing experience. I definitely don't feel like less of a woman (you shouldn't either!). I have given my baby girl a safe and secure home for 9 months and only a woman can do that! Be proud of how you brought your baby into the world...it is an amazing accomplishment no matter how you gave birth.

 

[libbylou]

I haven't had my csection yet, but I feel the same way
My baby is breech and they won't do a vaginal breech delivery for me (I think because her head is measuring larger than normal), so I'm booked for a csection on Wednesday.
Even though I've had almost two weeks to wrap my head around it, I'm still pretty upset. I pictured this calm quiet room in the hospital with me labouring and my DH, mum and midwife supporting me in my natural birth complete with delayed cord clamping, skin to skin, etc.
A planned c-section couldn't be any further from my original plans, and quite frankly I feel ripped off that I won't even get to labour as I was quite excited to participate in this rite of passage

 

[womblemum]

Sending a hug

I had an CS due to GD and I couldn't give a stuff that DS didn't come out of my unmentionables. He is happy, healthy and thriving at 10 months and I'm fully healed.

Out of my group of 7 NCT ladies I was the only scheduled section. In the end 2 more ended up having them (failure to progress in labour and fetal distress during labour), 1 had hers quickly in a water pool but had stitches which healed badly internally so is having to have the scar tissue removed, 1 was 3 weeks early, 1 one week late and the other bang on with no complications.

 

[DollPosse]

My first was an emergency and I felt cheated because I missed out on a vaginal birth. For my second child I had everything planned for a vbac and I convinced myself it was going to be magical and wonderful but when I went into labour ( I dilated to 2cm but did not progress) it was anything but magical. It was really awful. I decided to have another section and part of me did feel like I had copped out. I knew so many women who loved giving birth vaginally and I felt like there had to be something wrong with me because I didn't.

You know what though my section was magical and really wonderful. My husband and I held hands and we watched our second being born. We smiled and cried and we wished her a happy birthday. Right after we held her and I nursed her. It was what I wanted just not in the way that I thought I did.

 

[Tia Maria]

I 100% know how you feel.
With my daughter i had an emcs and i had a wonderful experience with it, and didnt feel any hard feelings towards how i gave birth.
However now, i have my C-Section booked for monday and i feel so let down by my body. It turns out my body doesnt respond to labour and my consultant put it bluntly..."you either stay pregnant or have a c-section".

It's knowing my body simply isnt doing what its supposed to do and as everyone says ''its what a womans body is made for......its the most natural thing in the world'' those sayings make me feel so inadequate. I want to bring my baby into the world...not have someone else do it...you know?

I feel robbed of the experience. So i totally know how you feel. I hope it changes when my son is born on monday and i get past it. I know feeling like this is totally normal though so i'm not beating myself up to bad about it.

Good luck libbylou on your c-section on wednesday and wish me luck for monday lol

xXx

 

[Siuan]

Thanks for all your replies. It makes me feel better just knowing that there are some of you out there who know how I'm feeling. Doesn't make me feel better knowing you're going through that too, but you know what I mean!

Thanks also for the positive stories about planned sections. I think my next one will likely be an elective section and it's good to know that I don't have to do it in a panic myself and OH can enjoy it at least partly how it's "supposed" to be.

I'm not disappointed in my body for the way I carried LO - it did magnificently with that, I just wish I'd been able to pass the "right of passage" as someone mentioned above and get there on my own. But I also think that I'd have just been pregnant forever if we'd not done it like that. I should remain grateful that I didn't push to not have the induction because they found my placenta and the cord were deteriorating and if we'd waited LO could've had real problems.

Good luck to the ladies having sections in the next few days. You'll do fine

 

[mummyApril]

after having a vbac with my second daughter i craved another 'normal' birth with my son this time around, but he was breech which was section straight away for me i spent months feeling guilty and craving/being jealous of 'normal' births, it is so hard to try and fight off, but then i slapped myself thinking hey my baby is here healthy and that is all that should matter, yes i feel the experience was stolen from me, but i still made a beautiful baby

 

[mtemptress]

i kinda felt the same but baby was in distress and was for the best otherwse he may not be here so i wasnt really fussed i just wanted baby safe but kinda felt bit cheated tho yeah,,hoping for bac next time

 

[KJM2]

I had to have section becuase it was discovered my baby was breech the day after I was due. I was pretty upset that I was going to have a section. I kinda know what you mean and I felt disappointed that I wouldnt get that experience of me going through labour with an amazing reward at the end. I felt that it was the easy way out and I thought in some way it would affect bonding with the baby somehow. BUt at the end of the day it was for my baby's and my safety.

\all our bodies are amazing that we carried out babies for nine months which is a miracle in itself how the baby comes into the world shouldnt really matter especially if its in the best interest of yours and your baby's health.

 

[kitkatwidget1]

i had a emergency section after a labour that wasnt anything like id planned (midwife led birthing suite in a pool, no drugs)

i went into labour early hours of the sunday morning and it really hurt- which suprised me as it was only early labour.rang the suite and was told to go to day unit at hospital as i wasnt sure if my waters had gone. went.had a horrendosly painful internal exam and was told i was close but not started.

monday morning, after a night basicaly spent in the bath in pain with contractions every two mins was finally told to come into centre. got there, first midwife lovely,taken over by a rude and clearly disinterested midwife who basically made it clear she thought i should go home, not have a drug to help me sleep (32hours awake at this point). so home i went.

tuesday, sent oh to work and mum came to stay with me. spent the day throwing up and feeling awful.4pm told to come into centre again. oh arrived at 6 to find me on gas and air and throwing up.later the head midwife came to take a look at me, realised something was not right and arranged a blue light transfer to hospital.

after a very bumpy ride where i nearly fell off the bed cos i wasnt strapped down properly at hospital i was given iv drugs as i was found to have severve uti that no one picked up on that was interfering with my labour. my water broke about 2hours later sitting on a birthing ball. when i was dialated enough to push, the midwife on duty told my to push as she was having no doctors in her room,despite me staying i couldnt push and it didnt feel right.i think people thought i was just in pain and not thinking properly(i was, but i knew how i felt!)

baby went into distress, a horde of medical people decended, loads of people examined me....finally someone mentioned assisted delivery at which point my OH freaks out(very bad experience with a previous child with an ex) then the decision is made to go to theatre.

my entire theatre team were incredible! the on call consultant took one look, said babys not coming out there and went straight to section. from her page at home 5am wed morning, my amazing son arrived at 5.27hours and was taken to be checked as hed been in distress. i then started to detioriate and my oh was bustled away to do skin to skin while they sorted me out.

my son was fine, and after about 40 mins i got to meet him and fall in love.


turns out, in addition to the uti, DS head was wedged and he was lying sideways... and i am too small to have had a natural birth.


anyway, back to my point. i think societY and the media put an awful lot of pressure on mums, prefect pregnancy, birth, raising of child.


ulitimately, if you have a safe and healthy delivery of mum and baby thats what matters most, not how that delivery happened. having a section is in itself a MASSIVE experience to have and go through(esp if its not in your birth plan!)- as i had it explained to me: major surgery AND giving birth in one go.
I think mums that have a section, for whatever reason, should be a little kinder to themselves and when the guilt raises its head just tell yourself you are an incredibly strong woman.

we love our children and raise them the best way we can. the best start we can give them is one where mum and baby arrive safe and healthy, however way it happened.everything else will follow.

i honestly dont believe for a minute i am less of a woman for not having a 'normal' delivery. or less of a mum. i advocated for my child throughout my labour, even when no one was listening.and when he arrived, i cared for him as any new mum cares for their LO. my OH Having the initial contact i actually think was amazing, as at that point i couldnt take care of him and as i breastfed i think its lovely he got that moment thats a 'special' point.

in fact, as any more kids have to be via section, weve already decided my OH will do intial skin to skin again.



i loved my boy the moment i saw him and didnt find it took me longer to bond.

hes now 21months and i adore him, cheeky little monkey that he is!

 

[kitkatwidget1]

wow just saw long that was- sorry for the essay!!

 

[Ozzieshunni]

kitkat, you can do initial skin to skin too! Look on Youtube for a video called "Natural C-section"

 

[kitkatwidget1]

i have heard of it.

with my section i couldnt as i was er..not very well...and they were very concerned for a short while while they stabilized me.

next section, it will be our choice for my partner to do the intial skin to skin then i will feed.

 

[Ozzieshunni]

Cool I'm gonna push for a natural section next time around if they say I HAVE to have one.

 

[kitkatwidget1]

i got told that to have a vaginal deliverynext time id have to have a baby that was either early or very small .given that boo was 6pounds 7ounces i dont think id want to be wishing for a dinky or early babe just so i could have a vaginal delivery!

 

[kitkatwidget1]

btw, what reason did you have a section?

have they mentioned what your options are for next one?

 

[Ozzieshunni]

btw, what reason did you have a section?

have they mentioned what your options are for next one?

My son has a heart condition called heart block. His heart rate is slower than average. There is about a 10% reoccurance rate. If I'd gone into labor, there would have been no way to monitor his heart accurately. He's fine at the moment, but he'll need a pacemaker someday.

I'm hoping that the next baby doesn't have it. I would push for a VBAC water birth in that case.

 

[chuck]

I've gone through guilt, anger, outright rage, sadness, depression, grief and mourning over my EMCS.

its all normal hun, a healthy baby isnt all that matters, pregnancy and birth is such a massive ting people seem to underestimate how important the birth is.