'Having a baby IS a job'

[Pearls18]

I did have a question though for families where both parents work, do you share chores like the laundry?

Because I have loads and as DH's companyis currently on shutdown he's been home for two weeks and yet to wash a single sock, do I beat him up or accept it's still my job? I cannot scrub more vomit out of clothing, I just can't.

(Genuine question, I'll cheerfully beat him if I hear dad's do laundry )

I would say we're 50/50 (when he's home, he's working away a lot at the moment) he will put laundry on if the basket full, he does the dishwasher etc, I tend to be the one to think X needs doing but can ask him to do it if I'm doing something else. He was raised to be very independent, he's been doing his own washing since he was a teenager (long before me ha!) I'm the cook though, he can't cook to save his life. So yeah if he's home I would ask him to help a little more, you deserve a break too.x

 

[katherinegrey]

He does wash up and tidy up and do all the DIY and vehicle maintenance, it's just bloody laundry he won't touch. He still uses the 'I'd do it wrong, you'd better do it' excuse for that one!

Guess I can't complain too much though, I'm just staring at my pile of washing and moaning

 

[Pearls18]

He does wash up and tidy up and do all the DIY and vehicle maintenance, it's just bloody laundry he won't touch. He still uses the 'I'd do it wrong, you'd better do it' excuse for that one!

Guess I can't complain too much though, I'm just staring at my pile of washing and moaning

Yeah I mean when I say 50/50 I mean the amount of work combined if you know what I mean, but there's certain things we each do the other doesn't, when he is home he does the rubbish and recycling, garden, anything with the car, DIY, he cleans the oven, empties the dishwasher and cleans after meals, and I do the cooking, shopping, budgeting, most of the cleaning (but he chips in when I ask, I do usually have to ask though as he would be blind to it unless I said something lol!) most of the laundry he will do about 1 load a week I will do a few, anyway you catch my drift! So if it's just laundry he doesn't do that wouldn't bother me if he was helping in other ways when he can (cooking is the main thing my husband is incapable of lol).

 

[catty]

I feel the same as Marinewag, asling as hes doing some things. my OH is way better at doing the dishes than me, apparantly I leave things greasy (he has a touch of ocd) so he does it himself about 3/4 times a week but it takes him agessss. it takes me like 10 mins. I have to remind myself that is a big job for him as it honestly takes him about an hour. he makes a nice breakfast at the weekend and cleans here and there. his job is the living room. so he doesnt do any cleaning of toilets, laundry, ironing but he does chip in. id still prefer he do more though

 

[BabyMamma93]

I did have a question though for families where both parents work, do you share chores like the laundry?

Because I have loads and as DH's companyis currently on shutdown he's been home for two weeks and yet to wash a single sock, do I beat him up or accept it's still my job? I cannot scrub more vomit out of clothing, I just can't.

(Genuine question, I'll cheerfully beat him if I hear dad's do laundry )

my OH has never really done laundry, hes useless, when he lived with his brother they both used to take it to their sisters bcos they couldnt work out how to use the washer between them, then when i moved in and we got our own place he didnt know how to use that washer, then one day he figured it, and turned all our whites pink, all bcos he put one teeny sock in the washer and put it on a 90c wash, i told him NEVER to touch the laundry again, he still does a few times, i tell him to stick to darks and NEVER put anything white in, the washer i have now was bought soley(ap?) bcos its easy to use, pretty self explanatory really!

 

[BabyMamma93]

Sorry to be blunt, but between to adults you only work 16 hours, you SHOULD be scrimping and saving! It doesn't make you a martyr! MY hard earned money goes in taxes, earned during time I would rather spend at home with my kid. So effectively I'm paying for your kid to have two parents at home all but 16 hours per week. My poor kid will only get weekends and evenings with both of us, but those times will be SO special for the three of us.

My kid will grow up to respect that hard work pays off, and won't have an entitlement to let other people take the slack for them. My kid will know how hard BOTH her parents work, in both paid employment and in the house, to make sure that she can grow up in a secure home in a nice area, and be able to do nice things with her family. I don't think for one minute she will grow up wishing that we had relied on handouts instead of working - my parents both worked, as did my oh's, and neither of us are disrespectful enough to imply that our parents were selfish for doing so.

Also, the money that we earn will not go on frivolous things like takeaways (well, a small amount of it will - as a treat, not a birth right) - it will go on securing a future FOR OUR KIDS. Saving for her to go to Uni, paying off our mortgage so she can have some inheritance, and saving so she isn't lumped with our funeral bills if we weren't here. To imply that I am selfish for doing these things FOR MY KID is disgraceful.

At the end of the day, I can sleep easy knowing that I have worked with my partner to provide a secure future and upbringing for my kid. I haven't relied on anyone else to do so. If you can sleep easy knowing that others are taking the slack for you then go ahead, but I couldn't

(offended? Oh you shouldn't be, I am just outlining my views and what works for my family ... Sound familiar?)

im not going to go too much into this because im quite tired of it now, my hours have gone up at work, so now i work more than 16 hours, so no 'your' taxes do not go on me and my poor benefit family, but thanks for clearing that up.

im not offended, everyone has opinions, and everyone has reasons for their family circumstance, at the job im in, my boss couldnt afford to pay me any more than he was but he gave me the job after i was un-lawfully sacked, it was better than nothing, now he can afford to pay me more, he does, and i work more. so least thats one less 'benefit family' your obviously providing for!

secondly, my child will also know how hard we work for him, my OH isnt going to be a SAHD forever, jheez hes only 1 not like hes 10! when he turns 2 we will be putting him into some kind of day care, so we can both work (maybe even before then when the supermarket opens near my home), so then we will be just as good parents as you obv are! i never said anyone is selfish for working, i just said that i prefer the fact my OH is around for LO, not working all the time like my dad did, and yes i do respect my father for that, but i will never get my childhood back when i went from one xmas to the next seeing him only on weekends once a month! thats why i feel the way i feel, and no im not saying im a poor little girl that didnt see her dad often because he was been selfish working, i think it was very selfless that he did, but it still doesnt change the fact i missed out on seeing my dad!!

im very glad you do have money to pay off your mortgage, pay for your LO to go to uni and pay for your funeral, im also very glad you are able to live in a nice area unlike me, but thats life, we are all dealt our cards and we just have to pick them up and carry on, but yes thank you for not offending me, i feel brilliant

 

[loeylo]

I don't work because I was "dealt that hand" - I work because I have no choice. I got my first job at 14, cleaning tables in a smoky restaurant for £2.20 per hour, working weekends during term time and 5 days per week in the holidays. Sound crap? No, actually I loved knowing that every penny I spent was hard earned. When I turned 16 I used those skills to get a better job (working in a theme park) then those skills to get a job in a clothes shop. I then got a part time job so I could pay myself through Uni, and worked my arse off so I could get a good job after Uni. I was someone who had to work hard to get the grades, they didn't come easy to me. Everything I have in life, I have worked hard for - it hasn't landed on my knee. My parents taught me that I just ha to work hard, there was no other option. I respect them for that.

I could claim I have been "dealt a bad hand" too. My oh has been shifted offices to the other side of the country, so we are crippled by his commuting costs. He made up for it by picking up extra workload (unpaid) which eventually lead, years later, to a promotion.
I trained in a very competitive sector. I graduated in 2013 and have yet to get a permanent job, so I have no stability and I am not entitled to any occupational maternity pay. But I am gaining lots of experiences working in different schools. My name is now known as someone who works hard and puts in extra hours, so in have a good reputation and never struggle to find work.

My point is it is all about perspective and seeking opportunities to better myself, rather than saying oh woe is me.

I want nothing more than to spend time with my baby when she is born. Unfortunately I will get 12 weeks off, then go back to work three days. My oh will also get 12 weeks off (which we are so delighted to be able to do!) and go back to work three days (30 hours) and we will have family care for our baby on the day when we are both working - which again we are so grateful that someone can look after her for us. In doing this, we will only just be able to cover our mortgage, our car payments, and sometimes have enough to put away in savings.

It really came across as though you were advocating your lifestyle as the "correct" option and that working families were traumatising their kids by working!

My mum and dad both worked full time - I'm guessing that your dad must have worked away if you only saw him one weekend a month? Workin away is a totally different scenario than coming home every night. But then again, for some families having a parent work away is part of the job.

 

[katherinegrey]

My FIL owned his own company, if a deal came up in America there was no one else, he had to go. When my SIL was born, their first child, he had no choice but to go to the U.S. for six weeks when she was just four weeks old.

My DH has been told he may need to travel to India, his company has offices over there that are under performing and he's done so much to improve the UK branch they said it'll probably be him they send. It's a huge honour. It'll be so hard for us at home, what will I say when my boys ask where is daddy? When is daddy coming home? But I know that I'll never tell my DH they've even asked these questions, not seeing them every day will break his heart more than mine will break with him working away.
It'll be hard for our boys, but I know they'll understand why their father had to do this. It wasn't a holiday for him, it was necessary work and if he wanted to keep providing for them he had to go.
I think you need to see it from your fathers perspective, he missed out more than you ever did I imagine.

 

[loeylo]

My FIL owned his own company, if a deal came up in America there was no one else, he had to go. When my SIL was born, their first child, he had no choice but to go to the U.S. for six weeks when she was just four weeks old.

My DH has been told he may need to travel to India, his company has offices over there that are under performing and he's done so much to improve the UK branch they said it'll probably be him they send. It's a huge honour. It'll be so hard for us at home, what will I say when my boys ask where is daddy? When is daddy coming home? But I know that I'll never tell my DH they've even asked these questions, not seeing them every day will break his heart more than mine will break with him working away.
It'll be hard for our boys, but I know they'll understand why their father had to do this. It wasn't a holiday for him, it was necessary work and if he wanted to keep providing for them he had to go.
I think you need to see it from your fathers perspective, he missed out more than you ever did I imagine.

This hit the nail on the head. My oh and I will miss the wee one when we are at work. Will she miss us? Maybe a bit, but she will be having too much fun with the other parent or her grandparents to care too much. What she loses in "mummy" time he will gain in daddy and grandparent time. What she loses in daddy time, she will gain in spending time doing nice things with her mummy like going out for a coffee etc that we couldn't do if we didn't work.

I would imagine all the above would be amplified by 1000 if we worked away. My oh sometimes works away (only in the uk and for a week at a time) and I hate it, but needs must!

 

[Lady_Bee]

Being a -parent- isn't a job, but being a parent requires you to care for your children around the clock, which IS a job. It's an unpaid job, unless you hire someone else to do it and then of course it is a legit job with a wage. Which plenty of others pointed out before me but it bears saying again. It's a shame women's work is so undervalued, even by women themselves.

 

[BabyMamma93]

I don't work because I was "dealt that hand" - I work because I have no choice. I got my first job at 14, cleaning tables in a smoky restaurant for £2.20 per hour, working weekends during term time and 5 days per week in the holidays. Sound crap? No, actually I loved knowing that every penny I spent was hard earned. When I turned 16 I used those skills to get a better job (working in a theme park) then those skills to get a job in a clothes shop. I then got a part time job so I could pay myself through Uni, and worked my arse off so I could get a good job after Uni. I was someone who had to work hard to get the grades, they didn't come easy to me. Everything I have in life, I have worked hard for - it hasn't landed on my knee. My parents taught me that I just ha to work hard, there was no other option. I respect them for that.

I could claim I have been "dealt a bad hand" too. My oh has been shifted offices to the other side of the country, so we are crippled by his commuting costs. He made up for it by picking up extra workload (unpaid) which eventually lead, years later, to a promotion.
I trained in a very competitive sector. I graduated in 2013 and have yet to get a permanent job, so I have no stability and I am not entitled to any occupational maternity pay. But I am gaining lots of experiences working in different schools. My name is now known as someone who works hard and puts in extra hours, so in have a good reputation and never struggle to find work.

My point is it is all about perspective and seeking opportunities to better myself, rather than saying oh woe is me.

I want nothing more than to spend time with my baby when she is born. Unfortunately I will get 12 weeks off, then go back to work three days. My oh will also get 12 weeks off (which we are so delighted to be able to do!) and go back to work three days (30 hours) and we will have family care for our baby on the day when we are both working - which again we are so grateful that someone can look after her for us. In doing this, we will only just be able to cover our mortgage, our car payments, and sometimes have enough to put away in savings.

It really came across as though you were advocating your lifestyle as the "correct" option and that working families were traumatising their kids by working!

My mum and dad both worked full time - I'm guessing that your dad must have worked away if you only saw him one weekend a month? Workin away is a totally different scenario than coming home every night. But then again, for some families having a parent work away is part of the job.

i have also worked since a young age, i worked at 13 year old, going to school going home and going to work when infact i could be having a social life, my first job i was cleaning desks, mouldy cups and picking up food off the floor in a big office, my second job i was spending 2 hours on my hands and knees scrubbing, scraping, polishing and lastly buffing a dentist floor,m then going to clean the toilets, i then went on to doing a apprenticeship for 3 years, earning £2.60 per hour, not having no help from any benefit system only my rent paid, so im still a benefit scrounger bcos i had my rent paid for me while i earnt a low wage? im still working now to earn money to feed and clothe my child so i know all about working and making money dont speak to me like im a benefit dosser that lives on your hand outs, you arent the only one thats worked since teens!

really, thats it on this convo its going off too off topic!

 

[katherinegrey]

Nobody is calling you a scrounger, I think the issue is you saying that benefits paying the majority of your income is better than working so that your child can see both of his parents more, when if no one worked the system you feel is correct would completely crash and then where would your family be?

And I'm sorry but you have previously said that your OH claims jobseekers and got annoyed the job centre were asking him to work when he has to care for your child and he couldn't work a night shift then look after your child all day whilst you worked, when if he can't or it wouldn't work for your family for him to be in paid employment he shouldn't be claiming certain benefits.

I might be a stay at home parent, but the government don't pay me to be at home and not working, they do your OH, which when you make comments about what's right for children it comes across a tad on the hypocritical side.

I'm not trying to he offensive, I'm simply stating why your comments have upset people, and I think more upset comes from an unfair system than you yourself.

 

[katherinegrey]

I would also like to add, working parents suffer a lot of stick. Most working parents (although mums especially) face the 'why bother having kids if you aren't going to raise them?' Question an awful lot, and it understandably upsets them.

Some work because they don't have a choice, and others work because they want to. I know a lady who when her baby was three months she went back to working 40 hour weeks because she wanted to. She didn't need the money, she liked her career and adult time and hated being cooped up with an infant all day. That's very much her choice. If this woman was heading for postnatal depression if she'd stayed home and had ended up too ill to care for her baby full stop would that have been preferable? As it is she now feels fulfilled and happy as an individual and treasures every second she does get with her LO. A 'part time' mum is surely better than no mum at all? If that's what she wants and needs, who is anyone else to judge? The hardest part of her current role is defending her choices.

 

[loeylo]

Nobody is calling you a scrounger, I think the issue is you saying that benefits paying the majority of your income is better than working so that your child can see both of his parents more, when if no one worked the system you feel is correct would completely crash and then where would your family be?

And I'm sorry but you have previously said that your OH claims jobseekers and got annoyed the job centre were asking him to work when he has to care for your child and he couldn't work a night shift then look after your child all day whilst you worked, when if he can't or it wouldn't work for your family for him to be in paid employment he shouldn't be claiming certain benefits.

I might be a stay at home parent, but the government don't pay me to be at home and not working, they do your OH, which when you make comments about what's right for children it comes across a tad on the hypocritical side.

I'm not trying to he offensive, I'm simply stating why your comments have upset people, and I think more upset comes from an unfair system than you yourself.

This really hit it on the head for me. I have never called her a benefit scrounger, although you did remind me about some other threads/posts I had read by her in the past so I had a little dig around ...
On her oh being a sahd and claiming jsa/employment support and being in a work programme ...

'well you need to find a 16 hour job' but why? stay at home mums i know arent been forced to work any hours. there was one advisor he saw and he was great, he never pushed anything on him as he understood he stayed home with M, its even proven in that he has to take M to appointments.

Well yes, most sahm either a) have partners who work f/t to support them or b) are single parents with no childcare. You could both work part time?

... pfftt id rather sit at home on benefits, im sorry but i would, work our arses off bcos the government says we need to yet have to pay £60 a day for our children to be under safe care. i see the logic in that!

i did want to stay home with M but i knew that if i quit my job by choice i wont be entitled to nothing, they will just say i obviously can work therefore i should work, but bcos my OH had no job to quit, we decided he would stay home then concentrate on job searching soon..

Of course you need to work!! That's life I'm afraid ...

i smoked weed day in day out before being pregnant, of corse the day i found out i didnt touch a bit. a couple weeks ago i was real stressed and LO had gone to bed, i just really wanted a little bit. my OH smokes, so it was there, and always is

...

when i have a smoke i actually have more energy and motivation to do things, im up cleaning, sorting things etc, and i am 100% alert for my little boy, ive only ever had a few, and only ever when my LB is in bed.

... The last one really really got to me! So your oh doesn't work but has money for weed, which he has in the house with your child? Appalling. And you wonder why people get pissed off? Yet of course you struggle financially *slaps forehead* -

Since weed has a direct link to motivation, maybe he should cut the weed and then maybe he will be more inclined to get a job?

And I'm sure the other parents on this thread also have to take their children to appointments, regardless of being sahm/sahd/working parents. Don't see how your child is any different? That point really confused me ...

 

[JessyG]

... pfftt id rather sit at home on benefits

And this attitude is why I am glad we have a tory government now.

Shameless!

 

[Tasha]

It's against the TOS to bring other threads into another. It's neither the right nor fair to dig through old posts to prove a point. I've locked this thread and will be having admin review it.