'Having a baby IS a job'

[JessyG]

I don't know a single person who has a child and can survive on one part time salary without relying on benefits, which to me is not 'making the choice' not to work.

 

[loeylo]

Just out of curiousity then, when people ask your OH what he does, what does he answer? Does he say he's unemployed? Or does he class his current position and role as a SAHD?

I notice you've previously said he gets stick for not having a financial role in your family, yet he can't find paid employment because of his role as a SAHD, surely if it's not a job he can go and get one that pays?

If it's a job then surely he is justified in staying in his current position, even if that position is supporting your family from home?

I work hard for my family. Work. Scrubbing poop and vomit out of clothing with no one to share these chores doesn't feel like much of a privilege I can tell you. Being here for my children always does, but is your pay your 'privilege' then?

I know other mums get the same hard bits too, but I hope in a family where both parents work these bits are shared.

We get different rewards for our work and support our families in different ways.

I think we should all respect however we define our own roles. I think I work hard, you all work hard too, different roles, different families, different ways.

All women debating about the correct way to say it, when the correct way is your way.

he says he is un employed, when they ask why he says because he has been unable to work due to health reasons and is now dedicating his time to our child, & yes he probably could go and get a job (well not atm with a broken hand and possible hip surgery) but i dont see the point in having a child and a family when one parent does 99% of the parenting, so he stays home and i work part time, so we both get to spend time with and bring up our LO.
i also work hard for my family, i work & i go home to my family, not home to my second job, but just because i work hard doesn't mean im doing it as a job, im doing it because that's why we have children, to do these things.

and lastly i do respect what other parents call their role as a parent, i was only asking whether people do call it a job, or if they dont, i wasnt slating anyone, or stepping on any ones toes saying anything i was just asking and giving my opinion, like others have

You must be very fortunate to have a job well enough paid to survive on one part time salary. Like others have commented. My oh and I both work 40+ hours per week (in fairly well paid jobs at that ...) and I will only be able to afford to take 1 year off work then a maximum of one year part time after that. Your right, why bother having kids. Only those who claim benefits should reproduce.

 

[tinkerbelle93]

My friend is a single mum who was recently working full-time 40+ hours per week, but she's had to quit her job because, according to her, the cost of the nursery fees and transport to her job made her unable to cope financially. She's gutted as it was a good opportunity Many people I know who work full-time, or even part-time, with kids are extremely lucky to have a parent or family member who helps out some of the time with childcare. That makes a massive difference to it being affordable or not.

But she did say she's enjoying spending time with her daughter, who's not even 2 yet, and mentioned that when she was working full-time she had a lot of guilt and just 'didn't feel like she was a parent anymore' which I thought was interesting because I wouldn't see it that way. Although in a way I can sort of see where she is coming from as she would get her daughter out of bed and dressed and drive then hand her over to nursery who would look after her and give her breakfast, lunch and dinner ect. before my friend picked her up in the evening and put her to bed an hour later.

This was every day monday-friday, then every other weekend her little girl's dad would collect her for the full weekend, so my friend was only actually having 4 proper days every month with her daughter. Considering she started working when her little girl was only 18 months old I just think that's such a long time not to spend with your child. Ideally she would love a part-time job but opportunities are rare. x

 

[katherinegrey]

.

he says he is un employed, when they ask why he says because he has been unable to work due to health reasons and is now dedicating his time to our child, & yes he probably could go and get a job (well not atm with a broken hand and possible hip surgery) but i dont see the point in having a child and a family when one parent does 99% of the parenting, so he stays home and i work part time, so we both get to spend time with and bring up our LO.
i also work hard for my family, i work & i go home to my family, not home to my second job, but just because i work hard doesn't mean im doing it as a job, im doing it because that's why we have children, to do these things.

and lastly i do respect what other parents call their role as a parent, i was only asking whether people do call it a job, or if they dont, i wasnt slating anyone, or stepping on any ones toes saying anything i was just asking and giving my opinion, like others have

To be fair not many people will have the luxury of one parent not working and another only working part time so I think it's a bit unfair for you to go as far to say why have children when one parent does 99% of the parenting, I think we should just all keep our judgements on other families to ourselves and just concentrate on our own.

i never said 'why have children...' i said I dont see the point..' what other people decide to do with their family is totally their choice and if it works for them then good for them, but to me its just not fair. but thats another subject, thats not what this thread is about

It's not what the thread was originally about, but you've said something quite spiteful and now I feel defensive.

I do 95% I'd say. The 'point' of this is my husband works 65 hour weeks to afford our family.
We don't see the 'point' of having a family that we can't afford. On one part time wage we couldn't.
We don't expect benefits to fund our family, so work has to.
I hope you now feel you can't really comment on the 'point' of anyone's family situation, without inviting comments on the point of yours.
As I said, we all define what we do and what's right differently, without being able to judge that for someone else.
You don't have to see the 'point', I see the point of our family situation which really means I don't need you to see it for me.

Eta: it's also 'just not fair' for us to contribute very little and take a lot more than we put in. It's just not fair some families have to work so hard and others don't, but that's life

 

[Larkspur]

and lastly i do respect what other parents call their role as a parent, i was only asking whether people do call it a job, or if they dont, i wasnt slating anyone, or stepping on any ones toes saying anything i was just asking and giving my opinion, like others have

Your very first post says you "don't like seeing it" when SAHP describe what they do as "a job" and just a couple of posts later you say it really annoys you.

I'm not sure how that can be construed as "respecting what other parents call their role."

Seems like this thread was designed to disrespect people right from the outset to me.

 

[smileyfaces]

One part time wage to live on must mean you have a VERY high paid job.

 

[JessyG]

^or WE pay for that luxury.

 

[AP]

To be fair to the 99% parenting bit I dont think how much you work has any impact on that at all. My OH works full time but when he is at home he does as much of the parenting as I do so I would see us as equal parents.

Exactly - I don't believe parenting stops. Ever. I work full time, and I'm forever on edge booking stuff on my breaks for the kids, spending my lunch hours creating social stories, forward planning and thinking ahead. I'm parenting, believe me.

I could go part time personally - but that would mean relying on benefits, and with roofs over our heads to pay for and bills to pay, and benefits reforming all the time, it is not a wise or fair decision.

 

[BabyMamma93]

Just out of curiousity then, when people ask your OH what he does, what does he answer? Does he say he's unemployed? Or does he class his current position and role as a SAHD?

I notice you've previously said he gets stick for not having a financial role in your family, yet he can't find paid employment because of his role as a SAHD, surely if it's not a job he can go and get one that pays?

If it's a job then surely he is justified in staying in his current position, even if that position is supporting your family from home?

I work hard for my family. Work. Scrubbing poop and vomit out of clothing with no one to share these chores doesn't feel like much of a privilege I can tell you. Being here for my children always does, but is your pay your 'privilege' then?

I know other mums get the same hard bits too, but I hope in a family where both parents work these bits are shared.

We get different rewards for our work and support our families in different ways.

I think we should all respect however we define our own roles. I think I work hard, you all work hard too, different roles, different families, different ways.

All women debating about the correct way to say it, when the correct way is your way.

he says he is un employed, when they ask why he says because he has been unable to work due to health reasons and is now dedicating his time to our child, & yes he probably could go and get a job (well not atm with a broken hand and possible hip surgery) but i dont see the point in having a child and a family when one parent does 99% of the parenting, so he stays home and i work part time, so we both get to spend time with and bring up our LO.
i also work hard for my family, i work & i go home to my family, not home to my second job, but just because i work hard doesn't mean im doing it as a job, im doing it because that's why we have children, to do these things.

and lastly i do respect what other parents call their role as a parent, i was only asking whether people do call it a job, or if they dont, i wasnt slating anyone, or stepping on any ones toes saying anything i was just asking and giving my opinion, like others have

You must be very fortunate to have a job well enough paid to survive on one part time salary. Like others have commented. My oh and I both work 40+ hours per week (in fairly well paid jobs at that ...) and I will only be able to afford to take 1 year off work then a maximum of one year part time after that. Your right, why bother having kids. Only those who claim benefits should reproduce.

no i dont but we manage, we struggle and we scrimp and scrape, i will never forget growing up as a child, i didnt have it hard, no way at all, my dad earned a really good living, but he wasnt at home, i didnt see him as much as id wanted, and you know what, all the fancy takeaways and new clothes NEVER beat family time, and that is why i said its not fair, it wasnt fair on me that i never saw my dad but thats fine bcos hes bringing home the bacon right?
i didnt mean to offend anyone, seems everyone takes comments into a context they wish to see it in, its difficult to see what someones saying over a website, so i think thats why everyone jumps down my throat all the time. im sorry you took it the wrong way and thought i was slating your family, i wasnt, i was just saying my opinion, i dont see why my parents planned to have children for one parent & a child to miss out on alot of family time that i only got back when i was a stroppy teenager faar too cool to hang with my dad

 

[katherinegrey]

Because bringing home the bacon is important.
Would you have been happier on the streets without food and clothing because your dad was with you?
You're basically saying why have kids if both parents aren't doing equal parenting, but it's just not practical for the majority of families. My husband would love to be home more, if we want a home and food he has to work, this is a sacrifice he makes, just as I sacrifice my career prospects for my family. Most families are forced to make sacrifices and hard choices, and it's really very unfair to say there's no point having a family if you have to make hard choices.
Your father probably has a thousand regrets that he couldn't be there all the time, but he made that hard choice selflessly to provide and now you punish him by whining he wasn't there enough.
You're a mother now, try and have some understanding for those that decide to provide for their own family and get the exact opposite of appreciation from their offspring. How would you feel if your son in twenty years says he didn't care about having things and wished you'd never worked and been away from him?

 

[JessyG]

I think you may be being slightly idealistic here.

Honestly how many families do you know who survive on one part time salary. My part time job is fairly well paid and wouldn't cover all our bills so that quality family time would be limited by lack of funds.

Of course it be lovely to have all that quality time together but its also equally important to show your children that life can be hard work and the reality is, people have to work to live.

You must be fortunate enough to either have a very well paid job or are content in knowing that others have worked hard so you can enjoy 50/50 parenting.

Sorry this winds me up.

 

[Pearls18]

Just out of curiousity then, when people ask your OH what he does, what does he answer? Does he say he's unemployed? Or does he class his current position and role as a SAHD?

I notice you've previously said he gets stick for not having a financial role in your family, yet he can't find paid employment because of his role as a SAHD, surely if it's not a job he can go and get one that pays?

If it's a job then surely he is justified in staying in his current position, even if that position is supporting your family from home?

I work hard for my family. Work. Scrubbing poop and vomit out of clothing with no one to share these chores doesn't feel like much of a privilege I can tell you. Being here for my children always does, but is your pay your 'privilege' then?

I know other mums get the same hard bits too, but I hope in a family where both parents work these bits are shared.

We get different rewards for our work and support our families in different ways.

I think we should all respect however we define our own roles. I think I work hard, you all work hard too, different roles, different families, different ways.

All women debating about the correct way to say it, when the correct way is your way.

he says he is un employed, when they ask why he says because he has been unable to work due to health reasons and is now dedicating his time to our child, & yes he probably could go and get a job (well not atm with a broken hand and possible hip surgery) but i dont see the point in having a child and a family when one parent does 99% of the parenting, so he stays home and i work part time, so we both get to spend time with and bring up our LO.
i also work hard for my family, i work & i go home to my family, not home to my second job, but just because i work hard doesn't mean im doing it as a job, im doing it because that's why we have children, to do these things.

and lastly i do respect what other parents call their role as a parent, i was only asking whether people do call it a job, or if they dont, i wasnt slating anyone, or stepping on any ones toes saying anything i was just asking and giving my opinion, like others have

You must be very fortunate to have a job well enough paid to survive on one part time salary. Like others have commented. My oh and I both work 40+ hours per week (in fairly well paid jobs at that ...) and I will only be able to afford to take 1 year off work then a maximum of one year part time after that. Your right, why bother having kids. Only those who claim benefits should reproduce.

no i dont but we manage, we struggle and we scrimp and scrape, i will never forget growing up as a child, i didnt have it hard, no way at all, my dad earned a really good living, but he wasnt at home, i didnt see him as much as id wanted, and you know what, all the fancy takeaways and new clothes NEVER beat family time, and that is why i said its not fair, it wasnt fair on me that i never saw my dad but thats fine bcos hes bringing home the bacon right?
i didnt mean to offend anyone, seems everyone takes comments into a context they wish to see it in, its difficult to see what someones saying over a website, so i think thats why everyone jumps down my throat all the time. im sorry you took it the wrong way and thought i was slating your family, i wasnt, i was just saying my opinion, i dont see why my parents planned to have children for one parent & a child to miss out on alot of family time that i only got back when i was a stroppy teenager faar too cool to hang with my dad

Both my parents went out and worked hard to provide for us, I am PROUD of them for doing that, you should show your Dad more respect especially as the tax credits we get nowadays weren't available then. Family time is a luxury, something we should earn NOT expect. I was brought up to learn we provide for our families, not expect anyone else to provide for it, I'm sorry if I come across as harsh but I think it is absolutely unreal you have these opinions and yet it's the government that funds you to live your life the way you've chosen to??? I would be a bit more humble about it if I were you, and with the Conservatives in power you might want to be a bit more careful about what will be available in the future.

 

[JessyG]

Wholeheartedly agree MarineWAG.

 

[dani_tinks]

And sometimes people who are working have a really important job to do. Maybe my son doesn't see much of his Dad but I think he'll be very proud of the fact his Dad is saving lives and trying to cure cancer day in and day out.

 

[catty]

my dad HATED his job. I remember him being fairly grumpy most of the time. he managed to save up and retire early at 55 when I turned 22. he told me then that he hated his job but he had to provide for us and wanted savings for our weddings etc. I could have cried that day, he was in the same job for 35 years (progressed but same company) and im so so proud of him. he could have thought fuck this and packed it all in but wed have had to move school, move house, no holidays, no money for our futures etc etc.
working is the reality of life. unless you have some great trust fund people need to work (or live off the government)

 

[Quartz]

Just out of curiousity then, when people ask your OH what he does, what does he answer? Does he say he's unemployed? Or does he class his current position and role as a SAHD?

I notice you've previously said he gets stick for not having a financial role in your family, yet he can't find paid employment because of his role as a SAHD, surely if it's not a job he can go and get one that pays?

If it's a job then surely he is justified in staying in his current position, even if that position is supporting your family from home?

I work hard for my family. Work. Scrubbing poop and vomit out of clothing with no one to share these chores doesn't feel like much of a privilege I can tell you. Being here for my children always does, but is your pay your 'privilege' then?

I know other mums get the same hard bits too, but I hope in a family where both parents work these bits are shared.

We get different rewards for our work and support our families in different ways.

I think we should all respect however we define our own roles. I think I work hard, you all work hard too, different roles, different families, different ways.

All women debating about the correct way to say it, when the correct way is your way.

he says he is un employed, when they ask why he says because he has been unable to work due to health reasons and is now dedicating his time to our child, & yes he probably could go and get a job (well not atm with a broken hand and possible hip surgery) but i dont see the point in having a child and a family when one parent does 99% of the parenting, so he stays home and i work part time, so we both get to spend time with and bring up our LO.
i also work hard for my family, i work & i go home to my family, not home to my second job, but just because i work hard doesn't mean im doing it as a job, im doing it because that's why we have children, to do these things.

and lastly i do respect what other parents call their role as a parent, i was only asking whether people do call it a job, or if they dont, i wasnt slating anyone, or stepping on any ones toes saying anything i was just asking and giving my opinion, like others have

You must be very fortunate to have a job well enough paid to survive on one part time salary. Like others have commented. My oh and I both work 40+ hours per week (in fairly well paid jobs at that ...) and I will only be able to afford to take 1 year off work then a maximum of one year part time after that. Your right, why bother having kids. Only those who claim benefits should reproduce.

no i dont but we manage, we struggle and we scrimp and scrape, i will never forget growing up as a child, i didnt have it hard, no way at all, my dad earned a really good living, but he wasnt at home, i didnt see him as much as id wanted, and you know what, all the fancy takeaways and new clothes NEVER beat family time, and that is why i said its not fair, it wasnt fair on me that i never saw my dad but thats fine bcos hes bringing home the bacon right?
i didnt mean to offend anyone, seems everyone takes comments into a context they wish to see it in, its difficult to see what someones saying over a website, so i think thats why everyone jumps down my throat all the time. im sorry you took it the wrong way and thought i was slating your family, i wasnt, i was just saying my opinion, i dont see why my parents planned to have children for one parent & a child to miss out on alot of family time that i only got back when i was a stroppy teenager faar too cool to hang with my dad

Both my parents went out and worked hard to provide for us, I am PROUD of them for doing that, you should show your Dad more respect especially as the tax credits we get nowadays weren't available then. Family time is a luxury, something we should earn NOT expect. I was brought up to learn we provide for our families, not expect anyone else to provide for it, I'm sorry if I come across as harsh but I think it is absolutely unreal you have these opinions and yet it's the government that funds you to live your life the way you've chosen to??? I would be a bit more humble about it if I were you, and with the Conservatives in power you might want to be a bit more careful about what will be available in the future.

Totally agree. Your view would basically destroy the economy as it either has no one having children or no one working. There is not an endless pile of Government funds to hand out, and if no one worked there would be none at all.

My Dad worked full time until he retired and yet I remember all through my childhood he would make sure that he spent time with me. Working full time is not a barrier to being a father (or a mother). Everybody can make time for family time if they want to.

 

[Eve]

My daughter sees her dad in the evenings for a bit and on weekends that he isn't working. He's a great dad and they have an amazing bond and we make great memories

 

[catty]

I also domt think its very good for children to see that not working is normality. will they have an understanding of money, where does the money come from. if you know mum or dad goes to work and thats where the money comes from it makes you understand hard work pays.
also I seen my mum amd dad heaps (mum had 3 jobs) I remember all the holidays, xmas, weekends away. someone could be at home with their child all the time sitting on the laptop or someone could see their child for an hour and take them to the park, talk about their day, read books etc

 

[Tasha]

Some of the things you wrote were bound to get the reaction they did, for the vast majority of us even scrimping and saving one part time wouldn't be enough to live in. It's not because we live a life of luxury but because cost of living is huge. Some of the ladies on here would love to stay home with their children but can't afford to, some of them know they'd be a worse mummy if they weren't out working, some of us ladies (like me) have held their husband as they cried as he never sees our children (they are going to bed when he gets back every evening and he has had one weekend off since September) or (again like) watched as their husband has under gone testing as he was having heart issues and it turned out it was stress and exhaustion, some have their partner in the military and they've no choice to work part time. We all are just doing what we have to and some of us don't have a choice at all if we want to house, feed and look after our children.

 

[lau86]

At the end of the day there are parents working full time who's kids won't resent them for doing that. My husband is far from perfect but he is a fabulous dad and the kids adore him. He works 5 days a week but evenings and weekends he is with us pitching in. I can guarantee the kids won't grow up to feel like they missed out on him. I work part time and along the same vein as dani tinks I've been trained to do a job that is important and necessary, as have a lot of people. My children are happy that's all that matters.
I failed to see the point of the thread from the start, everyone's situation is so individual how can you start to compare? And why does it matter if you think being a mum is a job or not?!