Having a miserable day with my husband

[sojourn]

I'm so tired and sad.
My husband and I have just gotten into it today. It turned from an annoying argument about him forgetting that my family is doing Christmas late (to make travel cheaper for the international folk), which interferes with a golf trip to a huge, epic fight.

The two things he said that hurt the most are
"given the choice between coming to our consistently disgusting house, and work, I'll always pick work"

When I pointed out that our house is "consistently disgusting" because he chooses not to do his share of the household duties, and that I begged him for help the last two weeks since I have been hurt (pulled muscle in my abdomen) he said
"because of your diet I don't feel any sympathy for your ailments"

I have been complaining, pleading, begging him to work a bit less so he can help me. I specifically said that I was sick of the bad-for-me restaurant choices I have had and that I really wanted him to do the dishes (1 of his 2 fucking household cleaning responsibilities) so that I could buy groceries and cook healthier food.

His latest thing was some half-assed, bullshit apology. When I told him I didn't want to deal with it and that we would handle it when he decided to come home to his shit-hole and his fat, lazy wife. (we've been doing this all via text)

His response was "I'm a miserable person and I'm going to be unhappy. I'm sorry. If you want to deal with me, you can, if you don't, I understand."

What kind of crap is that? I'm just devastated. I'm basically hysterical, the weekend is the only time I have to do homework. I'm going to fail my class if I don't get a substantial amount of work done tonight and I am basically paralyzed.

The most ridiculous part? I took a half-day from work today so that I could do homework. I felt guilty about how messy the house was, so I spent all day cleaning.
Also, I have gained less than 12lbs the whole time I've been pregnant. Granted, I was very overweight to begin with, but obviously my diet can't be that bad.

 

[bassdesire]

Is that you in the photo? The perfectly gorgeous woman dancing with her spouse?! Hellllllllllllo you're freqking beeeeeautiful girl!!

We get into arguments like this as well. Just a shit day, you know? We both say things we don't mean. Doesn't make it right, but I bet tomorrow will be better.

 

[T8ty]

It's just 'men'!!! It's a man thing! My husband gets so grumpy when tired .. Last Sunday I booked a babysitter and cinema tickets .. As a nice surprise.. Well he webs mad because I booked it for 2pm And that's when the footballs on! Well I was livid.. Huge argument later.. I had had enough! He said he wanted to go to work.. So I said go ahead.. And he soon came creaping back!!

Just give him time and tell him to do some bloody helping!! it's a two way job!

 

[sojourn]

Thanks guys. He didn't get done with work til 2am. We've both cooled off a bit, but nothing's really resolved so my feelings are still hurt.
I did most of the cleaning yesterday, so I am just going to go leave the house for some yard sale retail therapy while he's still sleeping.
I just won't be able to remain calm if he wakes up and then sits down at his computer to do yet more work.
At least if I go do something fun, and come home more relaxed, I'll have the power to just ask him nicely to do some chore.
I'm hoping he'll wake up, I'll be gone and he'll feel good and shamed into just doing it without me having to say anything more. Yeah, right!

 

[StephtheHiker]

I'm very sorry you had such a fight. This isn't meant to be judgmental in the least but have you considered marriage counseling? It might help you both on healthier ways to fight. Soon a child will be in the mix! My parents had violent fights often when I was a kid. I would hide in the bathroom til it was over. After counseling though,they learned so much and now they are so in love it's sickening!

Best of luck to you hon!

 

[Kirstymum005]

Oh we all get into tiffs with our other halfs pregnant or not, except with pregnancy it's the extra hormones doing the talking. I always try to remember its so easy to say hurtful things.....but much more difficult to take them back once it's out.
Cool off and you do your own thing for a bit. Then sit down and chat it out and work out some kind of chore sharing.

 

[sojourn]

We've had marriage counseling. It helped a lot. We just kind of relapsed into our old ways. He's worked more than 100 hrs a week for the last three weeks, neither of us has been sleeping because of it and we are just not ourselves.

We never yell or anything, in fact, if we're face-to-face we rarely fight. It's only when we get snippy via text or something. We have a rule that we have to hold hands or snuggle on the couch while we fight. It usually means that fights just dissipate.

A chore schedule is great, which is why we have one. I just can't seem to get him to care much about it when work gets in the way. He ended up getting up and coming with me today, we talked a bit and he did apologize. He is working on training someone that was hired just to take some of his workload. He showed me the card his boss made me with a picture of the new guy and my husband saying that they were both a baby shower gift to me. He agreed to get back to work on the household tasks schedule and make sure he does it before we leave for work so he's not too tired.

He did his laundry, and even folded mine (we gave up trying to share, now we are each responsible if we have no clean underwear) without my asking! He's napping on the couch now, but I can't blame him.

Overall, we have a solid relationship. Some days (as all of you more than know!) are just plain hard.

 

[StephtheHiker]

Oh that's great news! Yes it's so much better to be nice and fight well when you're not tired. Let alone exhausted from a work load that is beyond ridiculous. So glad he's going to be working less...hopefully a lot less soon!

Lol about the clean underwear good luck with studying this weekend now that things have calmed down.

 

[HBGirl]

Take heart in the fact that stress can make men say douche canoe things. I doubt he meant it, I'm sure you know that. Milk it to make him feel bad.

 

[SRTBaby]

I am glad you were able to talk about it. We have been together for 13 years and married for 11years. At the beginning when we started dating we agree that when we are disagreeing we should never say anything we can take back, that was probably 12 years ago. When we disagree we are careful about our words and accusations.

Words can be hurtful even when said in anger, we had to learn to think of it that way and it has worked for our relationships.

 

[sojourn]

Congratulations on being married so long!! It seems so impressive from where I am standing
Our two year anniversary is this week and we only knew each other/dated for 4 months before that. We love each other like crazy, but it's definitely a challenge being married to someone and still getting used to them.
We bounce back well...it's just hard to fight. It's especially sucky when we forget ourselves and don't do what we know we're supposed to.
We talked more yesterday and we're doing even better. We had a budget meeting, set aside some money for some hired help and set up a housework rotation. He also rubbed my feet, ran me a bath, made me chicken parmesan, did the grocery shopping, cut up all the veggies for the week and put my robe in the dryer while I was in the tub so it would be all warm and toasty. He was extra sweet and it reminds me that he usually does such a wonderful job of making me feel very special and loved