He wants a baby but wants to wait - advice please?

[Elodie]

Hi
I've just turned 36. My partner is a bit younger, at 31, and although he wants us to have a baby together, he isn't ready and wants to wait.
I'm not ready either (who ever is!) but I know that time is ticking by and I just don't know how long it will take or even if I can get pregnant (I've never tried). Family history is good, periods are regular, but you know I just am so scared that every month I wait will make it harder. Neither of us have ever been in a relationship in which we wanted children prior to this. I wasn't sure that I even wanted them myself, but since I have been with him, I just know that I do; I know he will be an amazing father and he has a very close family. I feel that the longer we wait, the greater the chances are that I will deprive him and myself of having a family. We talk about it a lot, and to be honest he's probably sick of me going on about it all the time. I've had the careers, the travel, all the other stuff, and now I just want to settle down and have a family together.

I try not to think about it too much, but the reality is that it is consuming me. All of my friends are a lot younger, and not in similar relationships, so it can be hard to relate. I have been to a counsellor (about other things) and we discussed all this - she says that my partner and I need to get a move on if we want more than one, and she's right.

I just need some advice as to how to deal with this. I don't want to keep hounding my partner, I don't want to trick him, nor do I want to force him into anything. I'm really sick of all these 40-something celebs popping out kids, as it makes men think that this is normal. He says we can always adopt (I don't want to) or have IVF (also something I don't want). We have an amazing relationship and I know that it will survive through any difficulties.
We are also moving to France next year from England to be around his family. I am really hoping that this next stage may make some decisions for us.

Thanks for listening, please give advice if you can.

 

[Butterfly67]

Hi Elodie, it's a tough one but I think that if he really isn't ready yet and gets fed up with hearing about it then maybe leave it for 6 months and say that you guys should chat again about it then. Yes, fertility drops after 35 but I don't THINK there is a massive drop between 36 and 37 and as long as you stay on the ball and get everything checked out quickly then you will hopefully have time. But maybe point out to him that you can only start getting help (if there is anything wrong) after 6 months of trying so it would be worth starting to try before you are 37 if you can so that you have time for a couple if you want. Also It has taken my friend about 2 years (after trying for a year) to get as far as starting IVF so IF there is anything wrong then it can be a long process and I think in the UK they stop IVF at 38 or 39 (I'm sure someone will correct me if I am wrong on this) so maybe once he knows those kind of facts he will realise that you are not just pushing him for the sake of it

 

[sarahincanada]

hi, if I could give any advice it would be start sooner than you think you are ready...as you never know how long it will take! I would say the chances that it takes longer than you think are high....sure you might be one of those people who falls pregnant easily, but you may also be with the many of us on here who have been trying for a year or more.

now if he is really not ready I wouldnt push him, but perhaps he could give you a compromise and say you will start trying before you turn 37? then at 37 you can both go for testing. if he really wants kids then he has to realize its going to have to happen earlier for him as you are older.

I was in a somewhat similar situation.....I was 29 when I met my hubby and he was 20!!! we are now 29 and 38! so we waited as I wanted to make sure he was ready....but to be honest I was not ready either as in the 9 years we have been together I left my job and set up my own business, we moved from the city to the suburbs then moved again to our dream home. We set up another business together too. So it was probably me that was equally not ready. but I always told him from the beginning we would have to have kids earlier for him as I am older.

finally last year, aged 37, we started to try and I turned 38 last October. Well it hasnt happened yet! so now my 40 birthday is looming next year and I panic here and there. there are people on here that get pregnant within 6 months but a lot more of us taking longer.

So definitely try and talk to him some more, but its hard if he truly isnt ready. However I dont think theres ever a time to truly be ready for children, to be honest Im not ready even now but I now want them and the clock is ticking. so he might just have to move forward a little sooner than he wants but Im sure if it happens he would be ecstatic

 

[Indigo77]

If you are both certain you want children, then you should start ttc asap. Read the statistics. Have him read the statistics. Do not take fertility for granted because it may not be there once he thinks he is ready. Besides, once you are pregnant, he will have 9 months to get himself ready...

 

[readyformore]

I totally agree with Indigo. 9 months is a long time to prepare.

You will never regret a child. I can guarantee you of that.

At 36, your fertility has already taken a nose dive. Honestly, you don't have too much time to wait. If you want 2 children and start today, you'll be 37ish when a baby comes. If you want another, you could be 39. To be completely scarily (is that a word?) honest with you, it is very difficult if not impossible to have a baby at 40. We all know people that have done it, but it isn't common. All of those celebrities have had a ton of fertility treatments. If you were a movie star and had millions of dollars to give towards repeated IVFs, I might say it's okay to wait another year, but no more.

Get statistics from your ob/gyn and share those with him. When you are considering waiting to have kids until your late 30s, it may scare some sense in him.

I'm 34 and have been ttc for 13 cycles. I also had a baby 2.5 years ago and was "waiting" as per my husband's request. I wish I wouldn't have waited.

*stupid biological clocks* *ugh*

Maybe suggest some not trying not preventing for 6 months and then go straight to ttc? He doesn't need to know that the ntnp is actually well timed bd.

Good luck.

 

[Butterfly67]

... it is very difficult if not impossible to have a baby at 40.

With all due respect ready, I think that is a bit of a rash statement to be making on an over 35 board when there are quite a few ladies getting a BFP over 40.

 

[Sophia17]

Waiting is hard...trust me I know as I was in the same situation. One thought is ask him if he would be willing to make sure everything is ok with both of you ( do all the prep stuff such as making sure your shots are up to date, you are ovulating, his sa is good, etc).... This can often get him thinking about it more also....just a thought....that way you are good to go when he's ready. Best of luck!

 

[Macwooly]

At 36, your fertility has already taken a nose dive

it is very difficult if not impossible to have a baby at 40

I find these statements a real generalisation as every woman is different. Yes hormones and egg quality & quantity can decline with age but our eggs and hormones don't wake up on our 35th or 40th birthday and say enough & stop! The decline varies from woman to woman and unfortunately for some this decline starts long before they turn 35 or 40.

Elodie - It is a difficult situation for you and the last thing you want is your OH to feel resentful if he feels pressured into having a child.

Maybe discuss just coming off birth control for 6 months and see what happens which will allow him time to adjust. Also at the end of this time if he is more on-board with TTC then you can start testing as well.

Yes 37 is classed as old by the medical profession but many of the over 35s are getting their BFPs

 

[A43]

Hey it might not be like what you think....
My story - I am going to be 38 this Sept..we tried (husband will be 36 this year) and fell on the 3rd month. I gave birth in April. I admit I was the same as you - really worried about the body clock thing, I also used a fertility monitor, took vit b6 complex and eve primrose (first 2 weeks of the month)..I had fairly reg periods before...every 32 - 34 days. I was a size 14 and drank wine most weekends. I am not encouraging this, I am just stating the fact that its is possible it could be all so different than you think - but both you and your partner need to really be in agreement or it will drive you apart.
Most of the ladies at the mothers and babies class are over 30..3 have a full head of grey hair..so if you are pretty regular with the periods it could all be so much easier than you think.. xxx dont let the media scare you too much.
I am aware of the age thing hence why i am on this forum, I dont want another soon, but feel I might have to ...but at the end of the day it may be like it was when we conceived our first. Try and keep positive xxx

 

[readyformore]

... it is very difficult if not impossible to have a baby at 40.

With all due respect ready, I think that is a bit of a rash statement to be making on an over 35 board when there are quite a few ladies getting a BFP over 40.

I apologize if I offended anyone. (it is certaintly not my goal to upset anyone on this board) Impossible is likely too strong of a word, but I feel that difficult is appropriate, (it's also very likely that I typed this after loosing all of my optimism about 7 months ago. My PMA is gone, so just disregard this note if you aren't having a downer of a day!).

Unfortunately, statistics aren't in our favor anymore.
It is possible to have a baby into your 40s of course, but it is also likely to be difficult to conceive and carry a baby. I would never encourage anyone already into their mid-thirties to wait longer. It only gets more difficult as we age.

Sorry for the hurt feelings, but I do still believe it to be true that it is more difficult.

 

[Macwooly]

... it is very difficult if not impossible to have a baby at 40.

With all due respect ready, I think that is a bit of a rash statement to be making on an over 35 board when there are quite a few ladies getting a BFP over 40.

I apologize if I offended anyone. (it is certaintly not my goal to upset anyone on this board) Impossible is likely too strong of a word, but I feel that difficult is appropriate, (it's also very likely that I typed this after loosing all of my optimism about 7 months ago. My PMA is gone, so just disregard this note if you aren't having a downer of a day!).

Unfortunately, statistics aren't in our favor anymore.
It is possible to have a baby into your 40s of course, but it is also likely to be difficult to conceive and carry a baby. I would never encourage anyone already into their mid-thirties to wait longer. It only gets more difficult as we age.

Sorry for the hurt feelings, but I do still believe it to be true that it is more difficult.

It sounds like you need some

I do agree if someone is in the situation to start TTC and they are 35+ then no time like the present

But one ray of PMA is the over 35s June testers who had a 28% BFP rate which is above the medical stats

 

[A43]

god yeah its supposed to be more difficult for sure, but each person is different and the stats are based on overall over 35's not individuals.

 

[Butterfly67]

ready

 

[crystal443]

At 36, your fertility has already taken a nose dive

it is very difficult if not impossible to have a baby at 40

I find these statements a real generalisation as every woman is different. Yes hormones and egg quality & quantity can decline with age but our eggs and hormones don't wake up on our 35th or 40th birthday and say enough & stop! The decline varies from woman to woman and unfortunately for some this decline starts long before they turn 35 or 40.

Elodie - It is a difficult situation for you and the last thing you want is your OH to feel resentful if he feels pressured into having a child.

Maybe discuss just coming off birth control for 6 months and see what happens which will allow him time to adjust. Also at the end of this time if he is more on-board with TTC then you can start testing as well.

Yes 37 is classed as old by the medical profession but many of the over 35s are getting their BFPs

This is what we were told by our IVF clinic Its more of an individual case by case sort of thing. She also mentioned there are lots of ladies in their late 30's or early 40's that are very fertile and ladies in their mid 20's that have problems. I had issues in my early 20's getting pregnant and am now 36 and am still having issues Some of the other ladies were right in saying however he'll have 9 months to get prepared

 

[dachsundmom]

Ready-

It may sound silly, but PMA is all I have to hold onto.

 

[readyformore]

Send some my way dachsundmom! My well is dry.

(BTW, and totally off topic, I can never remember how to spell your name! Everytime I have to scroll up to read it, lol).

 

[dachsundmom]

Send some my way dachsundmom! My well is dry.

(BTW, and totally off topic, I can never remember how to spell your name! Everytime I have to scroll up to read it, lol).

That's bc I forgot one of the 'h' in dachshund, lol. Most shorted it to dmom, lol.

My well is dry somedays and others it's there.

 

[readyformore]

At 36, your fertility has already taken a nose dive

it is very difficult if not impossible to have a baby at 40

I find these statements a real generalisation as every woman is different. Yes hormones and egg quality & quantity can decline with age but our eggs and hormones don't wake up on our 35th or 40th birthday and say enough & stop! The decline varies from woman to woman and unfortunately for some this decline starts long before they turn 35 or 40.

Elodie - It is a difficult situation for you and the last thing you want is your OH to feel resentful if he feels pressured into having a child.

Maybe discuss just coming off birth control for 6 months and see what happens which will allow him time to adjust. Also at the end of this time if he is more on-board with TTC then you can start testing as well.

Yes 37 is classed as old by the medical profession but many of the over 35s are getting their BFPs

I had issues in my early 20's getting pregnant and am now 36 and am still having issues

Yep, that's me too. I feel like I've capped of my childbearing years with infertility crap!

And elodie, I'm so sorry that I single handedly hijacked your post. But, getting back to the original topic, you seriously won't regret a child. And I'm doubtful that your OH will either. Even if he thinks he's not ready, he will be when he sees his baby.

 

[Indigo77]

Waiting is hard...trust me I know as I was in the same situation. One thought is ask him if he would be willing to make sure everything is ok with both of you ( do all the prep stuff such as making sure your shots are up to date, you are ovulating, his sa is good, etc).... This can often get him thinking about it more also....just a thought....that way you are good to go when he's ready. Best of luck!

Not a bad idea....if he objects, at the very least get yourself checked out...

BTW, he may feel differently once you move.
It isn't as scary when you have your family as a support system around.
This actually ended up being a major factor in our ttc choices...we did not have family around....

 

[crystal443]

Waiting is hard...trust me I know as I was in the same situation. One thought is ask him if he would be willing to make sure everything is ok with both of you ( do all the prep stuff such as making sure your shots are up to date, you are ovulating, his sa is good, etc).... This can often get him thinking about it more also....just a thought....that way you are good to go when he's ready. Best of luck!

Not a bad idea....if he objects, at the very least get yourself checked out...

BTW, he may feel differently once you move.
It isn't as scary when you have your family as a support system around.
This actually ended up being a major factor in our ttc choices...we did not have family around....