Help-Found my birth mother on facebook

[Teach123]

I was adopted when i was a few days old and have always known about my adoption. From an early age I have wanted to find my birth mother and over the years I have met with social workers etc to discuss this and the possible rejection if she decided she didn't want any contact with me. About ten years ago I made some contact with my birth grandparents through letters etc and they were able to give me some more information about my birth and the reasons behind my adoption. They did all of this behind my birth mothers back and after a few letters I have had no contact with them since.

Since giving birth and becoming a mum I have started to think more about my birth mother and wonder what she is doing and whether I have more family and also about the medical history of my family as when asked I can never tell docs etc if anything runs in my family such as cancer.

I know my birth mothers full name and also the name I was given when I was born (although my adoptive parents gave me a new name) as my birth surname is quite unusual I typed it into facebook earlier and my birth mother is on there. I am 100% certain it is her as I am the spitting image of her profile picture and the limited information I have about her matches her facebook profile.

I got such a shock and it was very surreal looking at her picture. Now I'm stuck as to what to do! Part of me wants to send her a message explaining all about my life and the other part of me is scared to do it. I totally understand her reasons for giving me up and understand she probably won't want to meet me but I just can't help but wonder if she ever thinks about me and wonders what I have done in my life. I know that if ever I had to make the choice I did then I would want to know what my daughter was doing.

Has anyone had any experience of contacting a north mother or advice about what I should do? My head is in a real mess right now x

 

[paula88]

Didn't want too read and run. I was fostered as a child and found relatives of mine on Facebook I never knew off and left it at that , I was too scared. But gd luck in what u choose too do. I will be following this thread and might take some courage from it. Big hugs x x x

 

[lynne192]

maybe get someone else to email her on facebook so its not direct contact which might scare her>

 

[Abigailly]

I have no back ground. But I would contact her, what's the worse that can happen? she says no?

You have a beatiful child to concemtrate on and you can't say you didn't try!

 

[lauralora]

i dont no hun :/ ive never known my father and spent my teenagers years feeling rejected and hurt that he wasnt there for me, but since having olly i dont care about him anymore, i dont want him knowing anything about my baby or me because i feel he SHOULD have contacted me years ago and i feel angry! if i ever saw him it wouldnt be pretty! but apart of me does want him to no how well ive done for myself, but i dont want anything to do with him. i no you will get alot of different responses to this and its honestly your descsion you have to follow your heart, but if i was you id be asking her why she hasnt contacted you? i understand she gave you up for adoption but surely she could have written you a letter or anything as your aware your adopted so its not some secret. let me no how you get on id be interested to no what you decide, good luck xx

 

[aliss]

Wow, that must be hard.

Perhaps it is best to send her a message, let her know who you are, and tell her that you are interested in speaking with her. I think medical information is important, especially things that may be genetic between mom and daughter (ie breast cancer). She will be just as shocked as you, so just try and take it slow.

Good luck

 

[Nimyra]

she might be as scared (and eager) to talk to you as you are. I say reach out... a simple "I'd like to be in touch if you are willing"

 

[mrsthomas623]

Oh hun, I bet your stomach is flipping over! I would drop her a quick line introducing yourself and leave it up to her to respond, if she would like to. Good luck!!!

 

[Croc-O-Dile]

You could always send her a message telling her who you are, and that at the very least you'd appreciate some medical history since you have your own child now and this affects them as well. That might be enough to get things going, kwim?
Hope everything works out for you

 

[BlaireUK]

Gosh, what a difficult situation. My instinct would be to drop her a casual e-mail. You've obviously aware of the risks but like someone else has already said, maybe she's as curious as you are?

I'm no expert though, so maybe you should give one of the organisations who deal with things like this a call. They might be able to give you advice about how to approach her, or even just support. 'After Adoption' (afteradoption.org.uk) is in England, Wales and NI or 'The Site' (thesite.org) is the organisation in Scotland - i'm sorry if you're outwith these countries but google will be able to help.

And good luck whatever you decide.

 

[Teach123]

Thank u for all the advice. I have decided to send her a pm explaining who i am and the reasons why I am contacting her. I think I will also explain that I am not expecting anything such as contact from her. Will then just see what happens. At least then I know I have tried and won't be wondering what if. Will let you know if anything comes of it

 

[mrsthomas623]

Good luck hun!

 

[Croc-O-Dile]

Good luck! xxx

 

[amygwen]

Good luck! I hope everything happens the way you want it to!

 

[Duchess85]

I hope everything goes well for you hun

 

[navywife86]

I was given up when i was a baby i accidently met my birth mom all i can say is be very carful you dont know what type of person she is ive known my birth mom for 9 years and recently we dont talk anymore i became very close to that side of the family but my mother wasnt a good person now im in therepy because of her i dont regret it and still see that side i just dont spend 1 on 1 time with her. I would learn as much as possible before contact but i would send her a letter on fb tell her it is in her court now you made the first move now its her turn if she wants. If you dont mind me asking why did she give u up? hope it turns out well

 

[AP]

I did here on a TV article thing that the best thing in that situation is to get a go between. Often enough diving straight in can scare off the parent, whereas if some organisation was to be involved they'd know the best steps.

 

[SuperKat]

I want to wish you the best of luck!! I am sure you will, but I would recommend being cautious! Take it slow, I really, I don't know the circumstances of the adoption, but I used to be a counselor for heroin addicts and had several patients that put this babies/kids up for adoption because the addiction was so out of control that they feared they would hurt their kids (or the system stepped in and took them away)...my patients would always talk about their kids and some of them were fearful of contact because they felt guilty, they were afraid to have to explain themselves, and others prayed for contact daily. Some of them would be dangerous for an unprepared vulnberable person as they would have taken as much as they could from them as a new source for their habit...hang in there, and I really hope this works out to be a positive experience for you!! (And personally, I probably would have done the same exact thing you have done!

 

[kanga]

I would imagine she feels many of the 'unsure' feeling you feel too. I have no experience of this but didn't want to R&R. Good luck with what you decide. It sounds as if you really want to contact her but are scared of rejection. If that is the case, I would contact her. Don't be afraid. You might get the best outcome you ever imagined and if you don't contact her, you'll never know xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[kanga]

just read the test of the thread and see you contacted her, well done! Hope it goes well xxxxxx