Help me explain to my DF!!

[lola84]

Anyone got any advice for what to say to my DF to help him see my side of things? I've tried but it all ends up coming out as an illogical rant complete with tears - I never thought I could be so emotional about this but I am so I guess it means a lot to me.

We had fixed a wedding date-ish of around March-April 2011 (waiting for the travel agents to catch up on the dates then we can book something) and TTC before my birthday in December 2011.

Well four months on from fixing plans DF has started his whole "we can't afford it", "I'm not ready" routine again. He doesn't want to TTC until we can fulfil our dream of moving to Canada. So this is DFs plan:

Having enough savings to apply: 2 years (2011)
Application process: 2-3 years (2014)
Finding and settling into jobs: 1-2 years (2016)
Build a house: 1-2 years (2018)
Settle into house: 1 year (2019)

So a TTC date of 2019....that's 10 years away!!! That makes me 35 and DF 44!

I don't want to sound like a spoiled tantrumming brat but I want children sooner than that!!! Much sooner! (like yesterday perhaps )

The women of my family all have some problems and really struggled to have kids and none have ever been able to after age 30. My aunt and 3 cousins have had no children at all despite trying and my mom had 2 (myself and bro) after 11 years of trying! I don't know if I have the same problems - I refused the tests as I was 15 at the time and didn't want to grow up knowing I could struggle - but I don't want to risk it!

DF knows all of the above but seems to have a "of course you'll be fine....we'll never struggle" outlook and a determination to stick to "his plan".

Any ideas of how you talked about it with your OH that didn't involve crying a lot and unintelligable squeaking??

Thanks

Lola

*Oops meant to post in WTT section - how do I ask someone to move it for me??*

 

[Pinkgirl]

Aww hunni, i share your fustration
I know it must be really hard, give him time to chill and then speak. At the end of the day you need to do whats best for the both of you

(Email one of the moderators to move it to WTT section)
x

 

[booflebump]

10 years is far too long - it could take you a couple of years ttc and then where would you be? You need to sit down with him and explain that a timeline like that means you might never have children, and while you understand and support his dream, he has to understand and support yours too! xxx

 

[lola84]

Thanks for replies...I'm gonna have to try to keep a rational head and not get so upset. It does feel like banging your head against a wall sometimes cos he's of the mentality that everything will happen at some magical perfect time in the future when everything is exactly as he wants it...he seems to overlook that we will both be getting older.

PS: Thanks for hint Pinkgirl - I've pmed a mod - silly me

 

[polo_princess]

Moved this across to WTT for you now

 

[lola84]

Moved this across to WTT for you now

Thank you!!

 

[Mrs Poppy]

Aw hun, I know what you're going through. Whenever I try to talk to my hubby about babies I end up getting really emotional and he looks at me like I'm a nutcase! Deffo think you should try and talk to him if you can xxx

 

[Amygdala]

I think you don't sound spoilt at all! You have very good reasons to not want to wait till you're 35. I wouldn't want to wait that long (provided we can manage somehow before then, which we will be able to) either and I don't have a history of difficulties conceiving in my family. So yeah, I'd want to start TTC asap as well if I was you.
Maybe the way to go with your man is to very calmly talk about it and show him that children do not mean you cannot move to Canada. Make a plan of finances and timings that you think will work for you. Write down how much you can save (when), how much you'd need to save, how much a child would cost (probably FAR less than he expects, especially while they're young), what the child would be doing (school etc) at which time... Just a complete scenario of how this could work with a child in your lives. Do this before you talk to him and write it down to show him. Maybe you'll be able to make him see that you can do both.
I would also go to a doctor and explain your family history and see if there's any tests that can be done to assess your personal risk. If the doctor finds that you are at increased risk, see if you can get something in writing to show to your OH, if it's a specific condition you're suffering from try to get some additional info for him to read. If the doctor can't do test or doesn't find any increased risk (yay!!!) then it's still worth getting some information on decreasing fertility and increasing risk of complications and giving him that to read.
Then (calmly!!!) explain to him how much having children means to you and how much it scares you to think that you might never have any.
Good luck with the whole thing! I'm sure he'll understand your point of view eventually and it won't be 10 years for you!

 

[lozzy21]

Just tell him you are not prepared to wait that long, simple as that. He ether changes his plans or you walk.
Why wait unill he is close to 50 to ttc?
AND in canada you have to pay for your healthcare, why not get it free on the nhs?


OH wanted to wait like 5/6 years before trying and i told him he had to rethink becuase their is no chance on hell im waiting.
In april he gave me a date of september 2011, a few months after that i asked him what was stopping us ttc now apart for him and when he couldent answer me i asked him to have a think about it. We are now ttc december 2010.