Help - no bond with baby :(

[x-ginge-x]

I feel like this baby could be anyone's right now and that I'm incubating for them. Feel like I have no connection with baby at all. Struggling today with anxiety and panic attacks as my son was sick this morning and tonight has pooed himself which isn't normal at all (I have emetophobia) and I just feel like bathing in bleach and running away as fast as I can I want to wake up and it be September already, I'm so done with this pregnancy already after having sickness for 18 weeks, early mornings are exhausting and I have no support whatsoever. I'm miserable and no one seems to care sorry for the pity post just needed to vent a little

 

[broodymrs]

Sorry Hun. I'm sure you'll feel differently after the birth. If you have no support and a rough pregnancy I'm not surprised you feel like this. Don't rush it or panic. The bond will come xxx

 

[laila 44]

Don't worry you will bond once baby is here. I could never bond with a baby I haven't met yet either... It's normal.

 

[x-ginge-x]

I had a bond with my first pre birth, but after birth I felt nothing for him, I had to forge a bond with him and it was hard, I still feel like he isn't mine sometimes

 

[Mrsmac02]

Sorry you're struggling hon. If it makes you feel anymore hopeful, it's only been in the last 2-3 weeks (I'm just short of 25w and sickness has been gone for a couple of weeks now) that I've started to feel any type of bond for this LO.

With SPD starting early, 18w of sickness and the worst RLP, il pretty much over it too! X

 

[x-ginge-x]

Glad to know I'm not alone mrsmac I'm sat here in tears at the moment to be honest I give up. Outside im smiling inside I'm dying!

 

[campn]

You're just stressed out, it's also harder to find time to think of and bond with a baby still inside of you when you've to take care of other kids who you are spending every waking up hour with completely involved with them. Sometimes I'd start feeling kicks and I want to enjoy this but then my DS yells at me to go get him a snack from the fridge NOW or he'll try to do it and break everything.

I think before finding out the gender, preparing the room, buying clothes and putting them up in the closet it's hard to bond with a baby you randomly feel kick sometimes. I bonded with DS during the pregnancy but definitely WAY more once he was born.

Your feelings are completely normal and you're not alone. Don't expect too much from yourself now honestly.

 

[jesswishing]

I felt like this with my first born, everyone said that you'd also have this rush of love when you had the baby but honestly I didn't really have a connection with her until she was a couple of weeks old. I'm now having my second and I don't really feel any connection with it - I think it's because I'm a very visual person and if I can't see it, if almost doesn't seem real. Don't beat yourself up about it xx

 

[Scout]

I'm same with my daughter. I had no bond while pregnant and even when she was born the most I felt was this obligation to take care of her and keep her safe, but I wasn't bonded and didn't really feel like she was mine. It was about a year before I started feeling like she was my daughter and not just someone I was caring for. I loved her, but she didn't feel mine. Sorry you're having a rough time of it right now. I've only got the one and absolutely hated being pregnant. Can't imagine having to care for another child while being sick and exhausted. Hope things get better for you.

 

[x-ginge-x]

I had a csection its my first too so that didn't help, been sorting out the clothes I have today and I ended up in tears as it feels like I'm carrying for someone else I hope this feeling goes away. I understand pregnancy is something some people would give their right arm for and with this pregnancy they could seriously have it because it's been horrific and a massive struggle, I'm not even half way through and I want it to be over!

 

[BabyBlondex]

I dont want to sound like a meany but if you didnt feel a bond with your first, and even to this day he 'Don't feel like yours' why are you having another? My friend has said the exact same to me lately and she keeps having kids that she can't bond with, and I feel like shaking her, its probably different with you but what you've just said makes me think of my friend and how much of a ass she's being

 

[x-ginge-x]

I didnt bond well after birth as i had a csection after a failed induction a general anaesthetic a difficult few days waking up from anaesthesia and then postnatal depression. Then post traumatic stress disorder from the birth that i desperately wanted to avoid having panic attacks in theatre while they were trying to get my spinal to work stabbing me SEVEN times is that a good enough reason to struggle to bond? and yes it is quite mean as you are commenting on a different person whom you know nothing about and have never met but feel you can comment on me having another? Rather rude I think. I don't think 'im being an ass' thanks very much im struggling as I am already worrying about the impending birth and a second general anaesthesia caesarean! Not to mention im over 20 weeks and baby has moved for the first time today so it felt like i was getting fat for nothing. But hey I asked for advice and if anyone felt the same!

 

[Uni tsi]

Ginge, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling like that, but I'm glad you started this thread to talk about it Our situations are a little different because for me it's that I feel sometimes that I'm not even pregnant, but reading about what you and other ladies are going through helps me gain a lot of perspective on my pregnancy and helps me see that all the things I'm feeling are normal. I had a loss with my first at 35 weeks and it's hard to feel the same connection this second time around. It gives me mixed feelings because I want to be just as excited this time as I was before, as I'm sure you understand. And I know for a fact, sometimes it really just helps to vent a little

I don't have the same perspective earlier posters were able to offer to say for sure that it will all work out ok after baby is born. But I am coming to realize that not always feeling totally connected to a pregnancy is pretty normal, and obviously the vast majority of moms who felt this way still successfully raise their children and love their families. All those hormones swirling around, cause all kinds of emotions that don't necessarily reflect on our real situations, or who we are as people, or how much we love and care for our children. I struggle with this every day, but what I've found is it's important to simply be kind to yourself, be patient with yourself and this baby, and the feelings you are hoping for will come

I'm SO happy for you that you saw movement! I still haven't gotten to do that this time.

 

[campn]

I dont want to sound like a meany but if you didnt feel a bond with your first, and even to this day he 'Don't feel like yours' why are you having another? My friend has said the exact same to me lately and she keeps having kids that she can't bond with, and I feel like shaking her, its probably different with you but what you've just said makes me think of my friend and how much of a ass she's being

We really really shouldn't ask people why they're getting pregnant, having a baby usually doesn't mean ALL circumstances are 100% perfect and I'm pretty sure your own circumstances aren't perfect either so let's be nice to each other and offer helpful and supportive advice, right?

 

[MummaMoo]

Wow, babyblonde - not helpful, not nice, not appropriate.

Ginge, you're dealing with so much at the moment, given that you've had all the sickness to deal with, yourself AND your little boy, alongside your emetophobia.. and then given your traumatic birth first time round and all that followed, it's no wonder you're feeling the way you have been. Don't put pressure on yourself that you SHOULD be cooing over your belly and seeing everything through rose tinted glasses, we all know it's rarely that simple.
Yay for movement and seeing the movement too! I get fascinated by this stage. Maybe with your little boy coming to the scan with you and his excitement building will help you feel more of a bond, especially if he begins to bond with the bump too

And yeah, so much harder to give the second bump the time you give to your first. Today I was laying down trying to watch my belly move and Sophie would climb all over me every time I started to feel movement!

 

[BabyBlondex]

Im sorry but my daughter was born stopped breathing a day later and spent a week hooked up to machines trying to save her life, and mine, i lost so much blood and I was suffering depression. I nearly lost my daughter and I was unable to bond with her for the first week of her life. So it angers me how people keep having children they can't physically bond with, have more children, cant bond with them and I just think you need help before thinking of another pregnancy. That's none of my business, but as I was unable to bond with my own daughter in a different circumstance, makes me struggle to see things in another light specially when you have an older child you still haven't gained a bond with.

Sorry but that's my opinion, I'm sure we are all entitled to on this forum.

 

[campn]

Im sorry but my daughter was born stopped breathing a day later and spent a week hooked up to machines trying to save her life, and mine, i lost so much blood and I was suffering depression. I nearly lost my daughter and I was unable to bond with her for the first week of her life. So it angers me how people keep having children they can't physically bond with, have more children, cant bond with them and I just think you need help before thinking of another pregnancy. That's none of my business, but as I was unable to bond with my own daughter in a different circumstance, makes me struggle to see things in another light specially when you have an older child you still haven't gained a bond with.

Sorry but that's my opinion, I'm sure we are all entitled to on this forum.

Hun I'm so sorry you've been through that, but that post was about her and she thought she can come here to vent and seek some advice and some compassion, and not be judged or attacked for feelings she has zero control over.

Not bonding right away doesn't mean she doesn't love her babies or doesn't deserve another one, or twenty more. Maybe that's how you feel about your own life and that's okay, but not her.

We are entitled to our opinion but if it hurts people, that opinion often isn't really needed.

 

[x-ginge-x]

Im sorry but my daughter was born stopped breathing a day later and spent a week hooked up to machines trying to save her life, and mine, i lost so much blood and I was suffering depression. I nearly lost my daughter and I was unable to bond with her for the first week of her life. So it angers me how people keep having children they can't physically bond with, have more children, cant bond with them and I just think you need help before thinking of another pregnancy. That's none of my business, but as I was unable to bond with my own daughter in a different circumstance, makes me struggle to see things in another light specially when you have an older child you still haven't gained a bond with.

Sorry but that's my opinion, I'm sure we are all entitled to on this forum.

Exactly a different circumstance but not entirely different to the reason I couldn't bond!

Maybe the whole don't speak without having something nice to say applies here.

And it took me 4 years to conceive my son and 3 years this time, both very much wanted and planned pregnancies, I do have a bond with my son and I worked damned hard to forge it, sometimes I just forget he's mine. I did get help I am under the mental health team, I wanted advice and somewhere to vent, not to have someone hop on my post and comment who knows nothing about me. It's damn right rude.

 

[MummaMoo]

Im sorry but my daughter was born stopped breathing a day later and spent a week hooked up to machines trying to save her life, and mine, i lost so much blood and I was suffering depression. I nearly lost my daughter and I was unable to bond with her for the first week of her life. So it angers me how people keep having children they can't physically bond with, have more children, cant bond with them and I just think you need help before thinking of another pregnancy. That's none of my business, but as I was unable to bond with my own daughter in a different circumstance, makes me struggle to see things in another light specially when you have an older child you still haven't gained a bond with.

Sorry but that's my opinion, I'm sure we are all entitled to on this forum.

Sorry to hear that, but I'd have thought you might have had some empathy to ginges situation then, having had a pretty traumatic time yourself. You've had similar struggles as her, why not just express the fact that you know how she feels as you've been there yourself.

 

[Wobbles]

Im sorry but my daughter was born stopped breathing a day later and spent a week hooked up to machines trying to save her life, and mine, i lost so much blood and I was suffering depression. I nearly lost my daughter and I was unable to bond with her for the first week of her life. So it angers me how people keep having children they can't physically bond with, have more children, cant bond with them and I just think you need help before thinking of another pregnancy. That's none of my business, but as I was unable to bond with my own daughter in a different circumstance, makes me struggle to see things in another light specially when you have an older child you still haven't gained a bond with.

Sorry but that's my opinion, I'm sure we are all entitled to on this forum.

BabyandBump is a SUPPORT forum... if you can't support a situation/someone else's struggles move along to a thread that you can.

This wasn't about you.

I can assure you I know many women who have had problems conceiving, sadly gone through child loss and had assisted conception to face struggles they never thought was possible (PND, bonding issues, gender disappointment, etc), don't be so sure you won't in the future either.

I am requesting you leave this thread without further comment.