"High risk" but I want a choice

[Emmea12uk]

First of all this will be my second birth. My first birth was traumatic. I was induced as my baby needed spinal and brain surgery. I was only concerned was what was best for him. I was terrified for him as the doctors put so much fear into me by covering their backs and making sure I was aware of risks of death, infection, illness etc.

The induction went badly and I was medicalised after 48 hours and an epi pushed on me. No one comforted me, no one spoke to me about my son and how this was affecting him. All I heard was theatre busy, theatre busy, heart rate dipping dangerously, theatre busy. I thought he wouldn't make it and I gave up and wanted to die - I felt as in control as that moment before you go unconscious before emergency surgery.

In the end he was wrenched free from me and whisked away. No one told me anything. When they were done with me I was abandoned.

Now, I am afraid, very afraid. Not of birth or labour but of the ward. I dOnt want them to touch me, I don't want monitors, internals, students, doctors. If I go back there I panic - not because of fear, but memories.

I am told I have to though - because my last baby was sick despite the current one being thoroughly checked. Because I have boarderline gd despite my sugars being completely under control. Because I had a hemmorage so severe I found out about it three years later - if it was 1ml less it would not have been classed as one. Because my son had the cord around his neck.

I am stressed already and I wanted this to be natural and instinctive. Already my fear is mucking things up for me. I see an army of obs, doctors, midwives etc all telling risks risks risks and what for? This baby is fine! I want to be in control. I don't want all this negativity feeding my fear.

I have spoken to a doula who is fantastic but I can't afford it. My husband is far too passive to help and there is no one else. What can I do? shall I make myself afford it somehow and let the doula keep me sane and help me remain uninterferred with?

Thank you for listening

 

[indigo_fairy]

Just wanted to say that I can understand where you're coming from, I feel similar and was terrified of TTC for 3 yrs due to what happened in my first birth. I'm seen as high risk, but I've read through my notes from the previous birth, done research, asked advice and decided that what happened last time doesn't have to happen again Even my consultant said it was 'chance' and doesn't mean it will repeat. I should probably mention that the end result was an 'emergency' cesarean with a high blood loss.

This time round I'm going for a homebirth where I can feel more in control of the whole experience. I think this will help reduce my fear in labour, and even just planning it as opposed to another hospital birth has helped so much. I'm not saying go for a homebirth if thats not what you want, but what will help is if you have very clear ideas about how you'd like this labour/birth to be different to the last, i.e. on your birth plan state clearly what you do/don't want.

I'm hiring a doula, which we can only just afford to be honest, it is money that we will struggle to find, but I feel it's going to be worth it to have someone with me who will stand up for me when maybe I won't be able to. We've met and spoke on the phone about my previous experience and she knows what I want and will do everything she can to help me achieve it, aswell as keeping me calm and letting my body do what it needs to do - something I wasn't allowed to do last time, due to lack of knowledge on my part and trust in people you assume know best. So if you can get the money together for a doula I would say it would be money well spent

Oh and even though health professionals make it seem like you don't have a choice ( I was told I wasn't allowed a homebirth.. pah to that) you really honestly do, you can make your own well informed choice

 

[Bournefree]

^^
I agree with Indigo.

GD with well controlled blood sugars, should NOT be an automatic "high risk". I'm sure you are aware it is the growth of the baby that is important in GD babies, i.e they haven't become too chubby to decend through the pelvis. Also a previous PPH, be it mildly over like yours, is something to consider, but should NOT catagorise you as high risk. How was your first baby born? I'm assuming by instrumental delivery, as it is more likely in women who have had an epidural.

You have everything to be positive about this baby, labour and birth. Plus you also have the benifit of experience... which is invaluable. You can really let your care givers know what you want from this birth.

I would be insisting on MW lead care.. but have some late scans to check babies measurements. What is important is that you feel secure and reassured. You know that going back to the same hospital is going to make you very uneasy, so look into the different choices available to you; such as a birthing centre, or home birth. It is important you will get great one to one care. A doula also might really help you achieve a greater peace and positivity, allowing you to release your fears. Also it might help to look into hypnobirthing, as alot of that is about relaxation and removal of fear, through confidence and patience with yourself and your body.

Birth really can be the most wonderful experience, and you are prepared to recognise how you can move forward from your first experience and trust in yourself again - which is wonderful.

Let us know how you get on, and what you are thinking
XxX

 

[PeanutBean]

I agree with everything above. It sounds to me like you are clear in your mind that your high risk factors are not really high risk at all. I have found a lot of strength through this forum, through my local homebirth group, through reading and now through hypno. My experience was evidently not so bad as yours but it plenty scarred me and filled me with fears I never had last time around. Added to turns of event this pregnancy it's been quite a journey for me but I think I'm as ready as I'll ever be for my homebirth now.

I don't know whether you're like me but for me I need to clear on all the facts and figures so I can feel confident in my decisions then that only leaves the challenge of the inner irrational fears and that's where much of the support network has come into it. Coaxing and even conditioning me into better trust of myself. The numbers help in arming oneself against the system. I don't at all blame you for not wanting to go back there, I feel the same with considerably less reason to. In fact these days I'm nearer wanting an unassisted birth if I'm honest! I think the main thing is to feel confident and in control of the decisions you make, whatever they might be.

I fear I've waffled rather than said anything useful but hopefully something will help!

 

[Bournefree]

Can I also offer in the following document from the Nursing and Midwifery Council. (they set the rules and statutory instruments under which Midwives by law should work)

“if a woman rejects your [the midwife’s] advice, you [the midwife] should seek further guidance from your supervisor of midwives to ensure that all possibilities have been explored and that the outcome is appropriately documented…You [the midwife] must continue to give the best care you possibly can…”7

https://www.nmc-uk.org/Documents/Co...e2SupportingWomenInTheirChoiceOfHomeBirth.pdf


it's not a long document (6 pages) and I suggest you should read it - you have the right to choice and to reject any advice your midwives present to you. I know this document is specificly regarding home births, but the same applies to a hospital birth, or a birthing centre (as you haven't said what your preferences for place of birth are).

There is no "I'm not allowed to" or "I have to go to X" or "they won't let me" in birth - it is YOUR choice.

However, they do have a duty to present a balanced assessment of risk to you so YOU can make informed choices, but they can NOT make you make certain decisions, and they still have a duty to prepare the best possible care for you.
XxX

 

[indigo_fairy]

Can I also offer in the following document from the Nursing and Midwifery Council. (they set the rules and statutory instruments under which Midwives by law should work)

“if a woman rejects your [the midwife’s] advice, you [the midwife] should seek further guidance from your supervisor of midwives to ensure that all possibilities have been explored and that the outcome is appropriately documented…You [the midwife] must continue to give the best care you possibly can…”7

https://www.nmc-uk.org/Documents/Co...e2SupportingWomenInTheirChoiceOfHomeBirth.pdf

Thanks for sharing that, think I'll have a read too!

 

[Mervs Mum]

Only wanted to add that you could apply to the Doula UK hardship fund who will cover your doulas costs if you are in genuine financial need. If you don't qualify do speak to her. Doulas and inde mws understand money is tight for everyone , just as it is for us so we will often take instalments over a longer period. X

 

[Bournefree]

MM - what is the typical cost of a doula? I'm serioulsy considering getting one, but worried about costs.
xXx

 

[rainbowgroove]

Just to let you know I'm considered high risk too - I'm a VBA3C with a chronic kidney condition. You do have the absolute right to refuse any interventions you do not want. I ended up changing hospitals at 39 weeks due to the horrible care I was getting. I have made it very clear that I do not want to be treated as if everything that can go wrong will - that if a problem arises we will deal with it then, not "plan" for it before. I'm now post dates too - which has them all in a tizzy lol.

They cannot tell you that you "have" to do anything. They can only advise - it's up to you whether you take that advice. Have you contacted the Head of Midwifery to discuss your care? I did with the previous hospital and got nowhere, but the Supervisor of Midwives at the hospital I'm at now has bent over backwards to help.

((((hugs)))) to you - I know how stressful it is having to fight for what you want, when all you want to do is relax and enjoy your pregnancy.

Ceri xx

 

[Bournefree]

Good on you Rainbow!!!
Xxx

 

[Emmea12uk]

Thank you everyone! That is such a huge help!

I wanted a birth centre birth as I feel I am just a bit too far away for a home birth. But the more I read the stronger I feel. I know I can't find the courage if I don't have a doula. I have just been discharged from diabetes clinic so that is one less "risk" for them to fret about.

Also my mw just handed me over to a new one who happens to be a very experienced one who I have known many many years and trust. I may get more joy with her.

I have am appointment with the mw consultant next week and a growth scan so if everything goes to plan I should be in a position to start pushing for what I want.

As for the doula, she has offered 6 monthly istallments totallyinh £500. We are not on any benefits other than the disability ones for my son, but we are in debt management and living on a set allowance which is choking us.

 

[Emmea12uk]

I just spoke to the woman at the hardship fund and they thunk they can help! thank you a million!!!

 

[Mervs Mum]

Youre welcome!

A 'trainee' ie a doula who has done a DUK approved course but is still undergoing mentorship, will cost no more than £200. Recognised doulas can charge what they want which is usually an amount appropriate to the local average and their experience. I'm newly recognised and my fee is £350 plus travel - the average here is £500. In London a recognised doula can cost £600-£1000. Obviously we can only take a certain number of births a month so you can see for the hours, restrictions when on call, child care etc it's not a big earner.

 

[Emmea12uk]

Yay!! My scan today showed baby is doing great! We have been discharged from fetal med! My doula also agreed to work with me using the hardship fund too!

So now there is no reason why I need to be in hospital - if I keep monitoring my gd and it stays fine. I am growing more and more confident about a homebirth.

Thank you everyone!

 

[Bournefree]

Emmea - growing in confidence is fab! If any women could give something to a another, it should be confidence.. but it is something that you find within yourself with support.
All the love to you.
Xx